I may have done something rather stupid

Havelock

Situtation:
I was dating a rather attractive, intelligent, charming and funny girl for about a year and a half. We broke up at Christmas, because to be honest I was being a jelosue paranoid prick about one of her male friends. We got back to gether in Jan/Feb and things where going quiet well on the surface. Then the last few months there were fights, stupid ones, really stupid ones. Over nothing. We kept being one of those cringworthy couples in town shouting, walking away and back etc, when we had a fight. I spent months trying to figure out what was wrong, because I'm mad about her (that sort of would be perfectly happy if she was the only other person i shared the rest of my life with in that way).

She then was going to Italy and France for a total of a month, she asked about wether or not thing s that happened while away stayed away, I over reacted, calmed down and said fine (she wouldn't sleep with anyone while away, just could she kiss anyone she fancied). To make the thought of her kissing other people bearable we argreed from the moment the plane took off we were broken up (or on a brake), and when her return flight touched down we'd be back to gether. She was gone a week,and I'd been thinking about the relationship, her lifestye, my lifestyle, and the cross over, etc...normal evaluation. I was worried if I asked her to chose between me and what I consided a self distructive past time of hers, she'd chose it over me. Not willing to have my heart so horribly ripped apart I informed her that when she returned we were no longer going to be a couple, as the relationship was unhealthy and we were doign more damage to each other than good.

Yes I did do it while she was in another country, yes I'm a horrible coward, but there was no way I could look her in the eys when I said it, because I would have folded like a soggy brown paper bag. We talked and texted about it, she seemed to blame her self, (she wasn't a good enough g/f and all) and no matter how much I tried to make her see my reasoning she kept blaming herself. 5 days ago, my texts stopped deleivering and noone picked up where she was staying. This morning I got through and left a message, but I've been a wreak for those 5 days. Imaging all sorts of horrible sinarios.

I was so worried, as in I couldn't breath (not that I think I'm anything any woman would kill her self over, but was just so worried for her) had there been a crash, a fire etc... my head was a mess. If I'm so concerned for her and love her so much, how can we be wrong for each other. I guess thats what the poin tof this is. How can love not be enough? Why can't it be?

Jim

There is one precise thing wrong with your relationship. Find out what it is and remove it. People are just different and mostly they don't know how their partner thinks. You can be with someone a long time and they may still surprise you. Something which seems perfectly reasonable to them could be completly ludicrous to you. Sorry I can't offer any real advice. I'm not in terriffic place myself.

Love is awful. I would be happy if I never fell in love again. Sorry to hear about that Havelock. But if love was enough life wouldn't be interesting now would it.

Quigs Snr

What goes on tour stays on tour ? I would not stand for that. You are better off rid of that. It doesn't sound like someone who would request that would be someone worth sustaining anything long term with.

Maybe I am an idealist. But I have been burnt before, its all or nothing. In this instance, I don't think you overreacted, you did well. I know many will disagree, but if you are 100% committed to someone and expect the same in return, then can I snog and grope other greasy italian blokes whilst I am away, then I am sorry, you are not getting 100% in return.

AngryBadger

First and foremost, love is enough.

Next, I agree with Quigs

Quigs Snr wrote:

What goes on tour stays on tour ? I would not stand for that. You are better off rid of that. It doesn't sound like someone who would request that would be someone worth sustaining anything long term with.

I raise serious question marks that she would even suggest this. I don't know either of you, as in your age or history, but some of the stuff you're talking about, the constant arguing, the idea that she would consider being with other people while you're apart, those are all red flags in my head.

If you're that crazy about someone, then you can have fight, and all the other crap, but afterwards it's water under the bridge. In this case, it kind of seems like the two of you and back and forthing a lot. On the strength of her wanting to go on a break during a month, if someone asked me that I'd tell them to shove off. That's total BS< if you're into someone, then the thought of meeting other people while you're on hols shouldn't come into it. If it does, it says to me that the relationship is a matter of convenience until something else presents itself. Sorry to put such a harsh angle on it.

As to her not responding, again I have to be fairly bleak here, have you considered that she may be with someone else at the minute?

To be honest, I don't think you were wrong to break up with her, I think you were wrong to accept that she could be with other people while away. Until she returns there's little you can do to find out what's going on, but I'd do my best to put her out of my head, and when she gets home tell her it's over. Or at the very least, it's you and her, or she takes a walk.

Relationships are about respect as much as anything else. Her asking you if it's ok for her to score other guys while she's on holiday is not respect, it's just her conveniently side-stepping an issue she knows she shouldn't even be broaching with you. Honestly man, I say again if it were me I'd tell her to go **** herself, and decide she wasn't worthy of me.

pearsquasher

Man i thought i was messed up over a girl!

She should have broken up with you properly before going away but didn't as she probably worrried about feeling guilty on holidays and didn't want to spoil the fun. Hey, that's natural enough and in a way she's right but it would have been better to sort it out before going.

But now that you did the job for her, she can have a guilt-free time with Guiseppe Corlioni. The best thing you can do is absolutely and utterly forget about her as you obviously both want different levels of commitment from each other and that never works. But you won't do that i suspect so are going to have your head wrecked for a while before you wake up yourself. Best thing you can do is go on a holiday yourself before she comes back and have a great bloody time.............don't worry about her man, she ain't about you.

(i got some harsh advise myself over a girl and its sinking in now, thank christ!)

Havelock

Well she said she didn't want to be with other people, it was a just incase. We were/ are very much in love.

Sleepy

Surely you could have given her the choice rather than break up with her on your prediction of which she'd choose? I'm assuming it's drug use (tenuously). It sounds like you're best to wait until your face to face to talk this over, how long until she's back?

I wouldn't see the "what goes on tour stays on tour" as badly as the others, if you felt pressured into the agreement, you probably shouldn't have made it. Quite frankly I've serious doubts about humans being monogomous animals, I'd see it more as something some of us aspire to, and society has forced on others.

From what you're saying about your feelings for her, you probably have made a mistake in breaking up with her but neither of you has had real closure on the issue given that you haven't seen each other yet. Tell her ye'll talk when she gets back and then have a full frank and open discussion about what each of ye wants from the relationship.

I won't bring this up in conversation tomorrow night, but if you need someone to talk to about it, don't be afraid to. I'm always open to listening over a few whiskies.

MickFarr

Havelock wrote:

Well she said she didn't want to be with other people, it was a just incase. We were/ are very much in love.

You may be in love with her but shes not in love with you otherwise a month away would not be a problem and she wouldn't have brought it up.

pearsquasher

www.ryanair.com

france is nice

Cabaal

MickFarr wrote:

You may be in love with her but shes not in love with you otherwise a month away would not be a problem and she wouldn't have brought it up.

Agreed, You don't make a agreement that its ok to date and kiss other people just because your out of the country, obviously the feeling of love is not affecting both people in the relationship if this is the case.

pearsquasher wrote:

www.ryanair.com

france is nice

Very big risk BUT it could be the kinda mad thing that sorts everything out tbh
Say you were a f*cking muppet etc

fitz

Typedef her sister.
Preferably her OLDER sister, cause any younger and your heading for a whole other set of problems...

Jewel

Is this girl much older than you?

mrhappy42

"Like everybody who is not in love, he thought one chose the person to be loved after endless deliberations and on the basis of particular qualities or advantages." Marcel Proust

and just in case that missed the point...

"People can have many different kinds of pleasure. The real one is that for which they will forsake the others. " - Marcel Proust

fitz

Jewel wrote:

Is this girl much older than you?

ROFL!!

ThreadKiller

Are you in your mid teens or something ? She's going away for a month & so you're both allowed to kiss other people ? Did her mate tell you that she was mad about you or something ?

Grow up & get a real relationship. Oh & get over the whole jealousy thing too, nothing says psycho like a jealous guy... (Crap. Now I have that song in my head, look what you've done...)

AngryBadger

pearsquasher wrote:

She should have broken up with you properly before going away but didn't as she probably worrried about feeling guilty on holidays and didn't want to spoil the fun. Hey, that's natural enough and in a way she's right but it would have been better to sort it out before going.

just so we're absolutely clear here......in no way, and in no crazy backward-parallell universe is she right

fitz

Ah, twas probably the confusion caused by the stress of the Junior Cert or some such...:p

pretty-in-pink

i disagree, unless you know the couple, then you dont really know the dynamics. how do u know that he hasnt said if she goes away he cant trust himself to stay faithful unless she is around 24/7, and by asking bout what is or is not allowed she is trying to save face? they discussed it, it was not stated that she made the decision. she made the inquiry. which is fair enough.

unless your the g/f or the b/f you wont really get what the deal is, and unless ur the g/f you wont get hermotives if she has any. she might be ignoring the original poster as he has hurt her too much, and im sorry but dumping someone like that? you lost the right to worry.

a broken heart hurts physicaly, it really does (which is a whole new thing to me, i thought it was just dramatics, but its not). its like someone beat ur heart up, then ripped it in to and plunged it back into ur chest once its all soied and dirty and destroyed. so maybe she is licking her wounds, maybe she is seeking solace from people looking at her, or in the bottom of a vodka bottle, maybe she is sick with pain, and cant bear to face the world. whatever it is, if you broke her heart its your fault. maybe you should have waited and talked to her, maybe you should have visited her, its all in the past now, so what ya gonna do?


seroiusly, if you really love her, then tell her, be in the airport for her when she gets home and let her chose what she wants, whats better for her. it might be a big no, that she cant trust you again, that it would hurt to much, but it might be a yes baby, never let go of me. dont expect flowers and kisses from her, her friends, her family. they will all know by now what you did, and will be giving her advice. i reckon she needs space at the moment, nad once you telll her how you feel, you should let er be till she comes home, and if she doesnt want to see you then respect that.

but you dont have to listen to me, im in a ****ty relationship place too, and am possibly a bit bitter

fitz

Yes, cause it should be all her decision. Just turn up at the airport and let her decide how you want to live your life.
That's pap tbh n_g.

Regardless of whether you love someone, if they wanna go off and snog other people on holidays, their definition of love is different, you need to decide whether you're happy with that. A fractional percentage of people would be.

Typedef her sister, and her best friend, then move on....but bring the nasty photos of her in her school uniform with you Havelock...

pearsquasher

just so we're absolutely clear here......in no way, and in no crazy backward-parallell universe is she right

I was being a bit devils advocatsey on her behalf for a microsecond there, just to give her the benefit of the doubt. But i agree it don't sound too right in anyway really!

"Just one cornetto, give it to me.......oh, Guiseppe".

pretty-in-pink

why the immediate assumption she is wrong? maybe she is hiding out cause she is hurt, maybe it was a team decision, maybe not. but who can know but them.

we women have long memories, so if at some point he said "i dont know if i culd be faithful to you if you were not here" or "id probably cheat on you if i was drunk and she was hot!" then the g/f will remember this and want to save face by making being open an offiacail line. doesnt mean shes gonna do anything, but could be afraid of being cheated on. by giving the impression of freedom , maybe she could have discouraged him from straying. but it all blew up in her face...........................


who can say

fitz

None of which changes the fact that it's glaringly idiotic to suggest turning up at the airport and leaving the decision to her.

pretty-in-pink

but romantic................what else is gonna show he cares?

Typedef

Well shagging her best friend would certainly put _in context_ the dynamics of
"Sure I'll wait for you to have a month of slutting around europe... crying into my pillow at night... so you can come back into Dublin airport... Drunk out, smoked out... fncked out, with a hickey on your neck and a possible case of the clap... just so I can throw my arms around you and say" "I love you baby" and with her tilting her head to hide the hickey from what's-his-name down that lane the night before... she can say "I love you too what's your name... ahem... I mean Havelock".

*bump*.

She then was going to Italy and France for a total of a month, she asked about wether or not thing s that happened while away stayed away

Basically she asked him if it would be ok for them to shag other people... what with them being "in love" and not able to withold having sex with a stranger<=4 weeks old.

What he should have said was "Fine" and arranged a date with her sister/best friend for the very *day* she flew out.

No doubt she'd get back.... from Europe... find out about this bit of information and kick his ass to the kerb with impenuity.. not that I'm trying to suggest naughty_girl... that you're being *just a tad* biased in favour of the chicks here.....

What I really need to know is...
Do you have a sister... and

what's her number?

Typedef

No Havelock, the only stupid thing you did was not telling her to get stuffed the minute, she suggested that it would be cool to have a month long break where she could bonk whoever she liked [1] and expect you to welcome her back with open arms.

[1] In theory at least you get to sleep around too... oh great "bouns" since ... sleeping around on people you love is what's it's all about....

Agree to her terms... and date her best friend.... then when she gets back from holiday... wear the steal capped boots for kicking her ass to the 'kerb'.

You may want to shout "booya I slept with your ma too" when she bounces.

pretty-in-pink

no jus lil ole me...........but iv plenty of friends


biast, sure, il admit that. im just a bit bitter is all but what ya gonna do :rolleyes:

we dont know where that came from. if she wants some variety then thats one thing, but if its cause of stuff he said then its entirely different

CathyMoran

Havelock wrote:

I was so worried, as in I couldn't breath (not that I think I'm anything any woman would kill her self over, but was just so worried for her) had there been a crash, a fire etc... my head was a mess. If I'm so concerned for her and love her so much, how can we be wrong for each other. I guess thats what the poin tof this is. How can love not be enough? Why can't it be?

Might it not be better to let things go - you can really love someone, but if it is a destrutive relationship it is hard to make a go of things...the old phrase "if you love someone set them free" may be applicable...time will help you decide, but maybe you do need a break if nothing else.Best wishes.

Boston

Is this hte same chick that had you so in bits afew months ago you where talking about doing something stupid to yourself? If so you really should get out of that situation. Abusive relationships are never good.

keu

I don't usually respond to "love issues" as I really don't think I'm qualified to give good advice about, I don't have the greatest relationship record. But for what its worth (and I know you love her) but could you be confusing this relationship with a bad habit?
(in other words, something thats just difficult to give up)

keu

god....love really is just like a bad habit, like nicotine for a smoker or alcohol for a drinker, or drugs to the user.
and we're all addicted..uughh.

Havelock

I haven't and wouldn't be with anyone while she was gone. It was discussed and agreed upon that while she was away she could see othe rmen, so that I couldn't be a complete prick about it we decided to have the break while she was away. She texted me to day, her phone had run out of credit and they are never in the house.

As for going to the airport, I planed to but she would be more confused than anything if I did show up. As far as I recon she won't have been with anyone (but I could be wrong)

And Fitz, its hardly pertanet advice.

Thanks for all the support folks, just need to hear rationalisations and the rest.

AngryBadger

naughty_girl wrote:

i disagree, unless you know the couple, then you dont really know the dynamics. how do u know that he hasnt said if she goes away he cant trust himself to stay faithful unless she is around 24/7, and by asking bout what is or is not allowed she is trying to save face? they discussed it, it was not stated that she made the decision. she made the inquiry. which is fair enough.

unless your the g/f or the b/f you wont really get what the deal is, and unless ur the g/f you wont get hermotives if she has any. she might be ignoring the original poster as he has hurt her too much, and im sorry but dumping someone like that? you lost the right to worry.

seems to me if she had any respect for him she'd never have suggested this break thing...which makes it very much about her being in the wrong

And

it was not stated that she made the decision. she made the inquiry. which is fair enough.

....are you high? Does this not say to you, in huge flashing neon letter, that she has no respect for Havelock, or thei relationship if she can just decide to put it on hiatus while she bunks off with randomers in Paris???????

Typedef

No, but it is pertinent... why would you agree to a fncked deal like that anyway?

No way would I even contemplate letting a girl do that to me and no way would I expect her to tolerate that....

No wait... I lie.

She should be hold up in the kitchen...
bare foot, pregnant... perferably while I'm fondeling her sister.


/mmmmm

Cabaal

substr wrote:

Eircom Broadband
They are so annoying-I email them countless times looking to sign up for the home starter broadband because I cant sign up on the website. I get no replies and just some automated crap about my exchange not being enabled but I know it is because my next door neighbour has IoL broadband. Please help!

wtf???, Oi think you for the wrong thread/forum!

Havelock

Typedef, your advice should come with a legal disclaimer. But it me makes me laugh.

substr

Cabaal wrote:

wtf???, Oi think you for the wrong thread/forum!

I think my post was the most helpful on the thread

GuanYin

fitz wrote:

Ah, twas probably the confusion caused by the stress of the Junior Cert or some such...:p

Nah fitz, its just her hormones what with going through puberty and all......

mrhappy42

You always stop putting yourself on the higher ground and put an end to two long treads http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=181228 ....remove the temptation and solve both yours and out other mans problems.

Unpossible

it hurts but it is possible to love someone who just is not good for you. You need to get rid of her, she's causing you all this pain and it will not stop, she will not change. Cut your losses, it will be painfull but don't give in to the temptation of going back to her ot the circle will continue

Typedef

it hurts but it is possible to love someone who just is not good for you. You need to get rid of her, she's causing you all this pain and it will not stop, she will not change. Cut your losses, it will be painfull but don't give in to the temptation of going back to her ot the circle will continue

Sure... you *could* do that.

But, I'm sure it would be a whole lot easier... if you just changed your handle to "doormat".

pretty-in-pink

while I still stand by the fact nobody but the couple know the exact dynamics of the relationship,

I will take back what I said to the extent of I now will say that its most probable that you are in the right havelock. Having read the replies of people who obviously know you and her, I must concede that I was being too pro-female, and it clouded my judgement.

It does take two to tango, but girls can get a tad crazy, so even one offhand comment will be filed away forever if its bad/good enough. It may even have been a revenge plot....you know a "I'll show him to dump me" thing.

Hope it all goes well for you, cause it sounds like you deserve a decent break. If it is an abusive relationship you need to leave it, cause its not worth the damage it does to you on the inside.

vilea

Will you listen to yourselves? What a lousy bunch of bitter animals you all are. Let me clear up a few things. Since nobody will defend my side of the story i think i should. The 'taking a break' while i was away was originally Havelock's idea. i disagreed when he first suggested it, thought about it and figured maybe it might be a good idea just in case. For the record i snogged nor shagged nobody while i was away. I didn't even look at a man that way for the entire time yet you people who have no idea who i am jump to these sickening conclusions about our relationship. And all of you who are so quick to jump to Havelock's defense, have any of you considered how horribly painful and hearbreaking it was to be broken up with by TEXT MESSAGE while on HOLIDAYS? On a train to marseille sitting across from my mother and the hardest thing was to keep myself from bursting in to tears. I only get 3 weeks out of this godforsaken country in the summer and i spent most of it agonizing over my thoughtless ex who broke up with me on a whim while i was away because he was too much of a coward to do it to my face. After a year and a half of the good and the bad and the incredibly times we had together, to break up in a text? What complete lack of respect for a human being you said you loved. I looked at nobody over the vacation because my eyes were too red with tears. for days i couldn't even make music because i hurt too much. And for those of you who might happen to know who i am you know how bad i have to be to not be able to play. My three weeks where i was supposed to get away from all this **** and enjoy myself instead i spent agonizing and nursing a broken heart. So all of you who were so quick to jump to his defense remember that there's another side of the story and for ****'s sake think before you type. Havelock i hope you're reading this and next time think before you post things up for the whole world to see. Goodbye.

Tyrrial

You sure fúcked this one up Havelock....

Cute_Button

Vilea - my sympathies.

J.

CathyMoran

Yes, Vilea - my sympathies too...sorry. My ex posted one side of the story on boards also (saying that we were broken up before I knew about it and forgetting to mention that he had cheated on me), so I can empathise.

logic1

vilea wrote:

Various bunny boiler ramblings

Cry me a river. You sound like an emotional blackmailer tbh, Havelock you did the right thing.

.logic.

Gordon

Well there's a turn up.

Can I just point out to potential posters that Unregistered posting is available on Personal Issues. Of course, what you write can be seen to the whole world but what your user nick is - cannot. Mind, I'm sure that doesn't make a difference in this case.

DapperGent

Best thread ever.

gerire

DapperGent wrote:

Best thread ever.

Just cause you're happy no need to get enjoyment out of other peoples sadness.



Havlock I actually do think you were right but breaking up via text, shame shame

jesus_thats_gre

Man, the two of you should be on Gerry Springer..

One final question, do you have a sister Vilea?




PS: I know that that is quite insensitive but she actually took time out to reply on an internet board just to make herself look good to people who don't actually know her.. Also, it is ok to insensitive on the internet, its not real... its not real.. its not real...

jesus_thats_gre

gerire wrote:

Havlock I actually do think you were right but breaking up via text, shame shame

did you miss this?

vilea wrote:

The 'taking a break' while i was away was originally Havelock's idea. i disagreed when he first suggested it,