Told the mother

damien

Beruthiel wrote:

do you consider that to be still an issue these days Damien?

For society, maybe not. For my family name yes. I'm proud of it and would like to leave this world knowing the mere mention of my surname will make people fearful for generations to come. Best way for that is to have offspring.

Beruthiel

damien.m wrote:

would like to leave this world knowing the mere mention of my surname will make people fearful for generations to come. Best way for that is to have offspring.

best way?
I don't think so
you forgot the serial killer option...

/
sorry michael
back on topic!

LegacyUser

Hello, can i just say michael that i am in a similar place in my life. I, lets face it, am gay, but i dont like the whole gay scene. Im sorry but thats the way i am. I have a lot of friends and family and if they found out that i was gay they'd never look at me again. I live in a small town in the west of ireland.

I have, for years, accepted the fact that if i want to lead a happy life I will have to leave ireland after college. People here are too judgemental, backward thinking and insular. I will leave my homeplace and my friends and family behind which will break my heart, but it must be done. I know it would forever ruin my parents lives and I'd better not tell them, ever. They're better living in the dark.

People in large cities may not feel the same but this is what happens in this part of Ireland, I don't think i have the courage to face living here with people knowing.

Dedalus05

Shawn,

I hope I am not being niave here, and I don't know your background or what your family are like. But chances are they'll be much more hurt by your departure than by your coming out.

Sure most people are 'judgemental, backward thinking and insular', but
they are also forgiving, adaptable, and eager to embrace the ones they love. My bet is it will suprise you and bring a tear to your eye - they love you, and will realise over time that that is all that matters. Nobody is better off living in the dark.

Look at Michael - he didn't think he could, but over the course of this thread he has told his mother, he told his brother and some of his friends. Its been hard, but its obvious even his mother with whom he is still fighting still loves him very much.

Someone will back me up on this I am sure. In the meantime, think carefully. Their must be someone you can tell? A sister? A schoolteacher? Find someone to help you break the news if you feel you can't do it alone.

D.

Hmm_Messiah

where u come from, your family , your history are parts of you too. mving might give you freedom but you need to balance it with the losses, which is hard when u've not felt loss like that yet.

You know who you are and maybe thispaln is the best one, or even the one that gets ou throught difficulties now. Jusy try to give yourelf a chance. give other people a chance too
and second chances maybe. You are more than the thing thats so difficult to be right now.

shoegirl

This is soooo familiar. I did similar problems with my parents, particularly my mother, over the years. I've been telling them for the last 14 years, still not totally accepted, and unfortunately my choice of partners over the years didn't help.

I think they did eventually begin to realise that they cannot change me, and that criticism will only drive me away (again). We don't discuss it now, which is fair enough for both sides, also the fact that I choose to live 200 miles away helps. We have peaceful coexistence these days and don't discuss it. It helps a lot if you have a partner that they can like and respect.

At the end of the day your mother doesn't have to accept you. Its her choice. You can't force her to either. She does have a right not to accept it, but at the same time she doesn't have a right to try to change you. Don't bother shoving it down their throats either, you can't force them to change. The same goes for them. And I think you need to make that clear to them - that its not something you can change.

At the end of the day your mother only needs to accept that she cannot make you other than what you are. She's doesn't have to accept you, but she has no right to abuse you for it. The people who are lucky enough to have very accepting parents are lucky people who often don't understand what it is like to be in a deadlock with parents who don't accept you. I've a good friend who hasn't spoken to her parents in 17 years because they wouldn't accept her. This is an extreme of course. And ignore the myth of people whose mothers want to come out and socialise with you: this is another less common extreme. You need to give the situation time and be assertive, they hopefully will get used to it over time.