Can you get over an affair?

LegacyUser

My partner cheated on me last year - we both went our separate ways and dated other people - now he wants to get back but I am finding it hard to get over the betrayal plus though the new realtionship I started failed it is hard to compare like with like.Don't know what to do.

cormie

If you do not have children who are involved then I wouldn't even consider it. It could easily happen again which will shatter you and make you feel terrible after trying to trust him again. You'll find somebody else.

What age are you? What are your circumstances?

LegacyUser

I am 30 - I was engaged to him for a few years, but thankfully there are no kids involved. At the moment he is my landlord which makes things akward.

Corksham

I would defo not go back, my personal experience is that people rarely cheat just once, stay well away if ya ask me.

Beruthiel

Originally posted by TrishKav
I am 30 - I was engaged to him for a few years, but thankfully there are no kids involved. At the moment he is my landlord which makes things akward.

only you can decide whither you can forgive and forget.
Personally I couldn’t do it. I would find a new place to live and move on.
Don’t worry about the fact that you are 30. I was 30 when I left my ex husband. Once I got over feeling sorry for myself, life just got better with each passing year. Best move I ever made.

midget lord

i was going out with a girl for 7 years and i found out that she had done the dirt on me. We broke up, very messy. I was in 10k debt becuase of her due to the fact that i had maintained her for most of her college years while i worked full time and studied part time. Anyway, i severed all ties, started reapaying the loans and moved on. I met another girl just over a year later and have been with her every since, a truely wonderful girl. We got on on so many levels and after a year and half still havent had a row, plus we have just bought a site together so we have to get busy building our dream home soon.

The point of my post is that if someone has been unfaithful to you you should not even consider forgiving them, if they do it once they will do it again. Noone deserves to have it done to them so noone should accept it if it does. There is someone better there for all of us.

Sleipnir

Originally posted by midget lord
The point of my post is that if someone has been unfaithful to you you should not even consider forgiving them, if they do it once they will do it again. Noone deserves to have it done to them so noone should accept it if it does. There is someone better there for all of us.

That's a little black & white for a situation like this.
So forgiveness plays no part in a relationship? You should never forgive somone if they've cheated on you?
Basically it comes down to;

Do i love the person enough to forgive them of this?
Is it worth the heartache?

"If they do it once they will do it again"
puts every human in the same box and is unfair. People make mistakes, unfaithfullness may be a big mistake, but it is still a very human one.

By the way, it's "no one" not "noone"

midget lord

sleipnir, firstly i havent read the entire thread, i dont have time.

secondly, i certainly believe that doing the dirt on someone is far from a mistake. You have to consider it in the first instance so in effect it is premieditated. A person that does this imo should not be trusted. i would certainly not trust them.

So forgiveness plays no part in a relationship?

it depends on what you have to forgive them for. Loving a partners is not inconditional, if one believes it to be, they are in for a long fall.

The "oh, i didnt mean it, i was drunk" is bullsh1t.

Zulu

I'm with Sleepnir on this one.
While its a terriable thing to do - any VERY few relationships recover from it, only you know. Every relationship; every person is different.
He could do the dirt again, or he could have made the biggest mistake of his life.
We don't know.

Relationships are about compremise and forgivness. If you do decide to give it another go, his infidelity cant be used against him in a year. You havve to forgive - can you do that? are you willing to do that?

cormie

Originally posted by Sleipnir
Do i love the person enough to forgive them of this?

So do they not love you enough to not cheat on you?
There is no point in carrying on the relationship. You will never forget something like that, trust will be impossible. You will be living in fear. Stressed out any time your husband/boy friend has to go away or has been out for a night without you. It's natural to feel this way after something like that has happened. I think it's best to save yourself the fear and just move on. You can love again.

Sleipnir

So you've already decided that if your current girlfriend cheats on your in 15 years, you will dump her? Because she will do it again?
Now that's premeditated.

Love is unconditional. Forgivness of infidelity, isn't.

Sleipnir

Originally posted by cormie
So do they not love you enough to not cheat on you?
There is no point in carrying on the relationship. You will never forget something like that, trust will be impossible. You will be living in fear. Stressed out any time your husband/boy friend has to go away or has been out for a night without you. It's natural to feel this way after something like that has happened. I think it's best to save yourself the fear and just move on. You can love again.

Are you telling me that NEVER has a relationship survived and flourished despite an affair?
Never? It's just not worth trying?

Sometimes (although not very often), love is enough to overcome the fear and stress you mention above.

If your relationship has "clauses" then it's not worth the paper it's written on.
i.e. "if you do this then my love will for you will switch off"
(These conditions are non-negotiable and final. Please sign on the dotted line!)

midget lord

sleipnir, if my girlfriend (im going to ask her to marry me next april, so shes a little more than just my gf) done the dirt on me in 15 years i would so totally devastated that i wouldnt be able to take her back.

Love is not unconditional my friend, would you love an ugly girl/boy?

Sleipnir

So you're saying "I'll only love her if she's good-looking"

?

Jeez,...........lucky girl.

I hope she's never in an accident which damages her looks.
She'll be dropped like a hot-snot.

You're confusion 'love' with 'attraction' now.

Zulu

Originally posted by midget lord
Love is not unconditional my friend, would you love an ugly girl/boy?

So you marry your girlfriend, and in 5 years shes in a crash (touch wood it never happens) and gets a bad facial burn. She is now ugly. Do you dump her? ...for better or for worse????

midget lord

i would already be in love with her, so i would not "drop her like a hot snot", you guys shold read whats been written.

My point about love being conditional is when we are looking for someone, you have certain criteria that you want to fulfill, i believe some people may even call them conditions. Unconditional love is among families guys, you dont have coniditions for your family to be loved by you.

Another point, if you were married for say, 15 years, your wife/husband has a kid with someone else, would you stay with them?

Sleipnir

Originally posted by midget lord
you guys shold read whats been written.

Originally posted by midget lord
sleipnir, firstly i havent read the entire thread, i don't have time

Dunno how many bullets you've got left but you've only one foot.

You're point about having a baby with someone else?
I don't know until it happens.

But I do know one chap who lives in Howth who's girlfriend slept with his best mate, she got pregnant, told her boyfriend and they're still together 12 years later.
Best mate lives in South America.

They made it work so I don't see how's it's 'impossible'

I did read what's written

Originally posted by midget lord
Love is not unconditional my friend, would you love an ugly girl/boy?

Originally posted by midget lord
My point about love being conditional is when we are looking for someone, you have certain criteria that you want to fulfill, i believe some people may even call them conditions

Again, you are confusing love with attraction.

midget lord

are love and attraction mutually exclusive?

re:

Dunno how many bullets you've got left but you've only one foot.

You're point about having a baby with someone else?
I don't know until it happens.

I posted my opinions on this, you took me up on it, hence i dont need to read the rest of the thread to make a reply to your posts. Yours misinterpretation of mine however requires further reading.

Also, i am happy for your friend, im sure it happens, more often than not, it doesnt happen, and you didnt answer my question, do your work in the dail?

The Corinthian

Originally posted by midget lord
sleipnir, firstly i havent read the entire thread, i dont have time.

Plenty of time to post though, I noticed.

Originally posted by cormie
So do they not love you enough to not cheat on you?

People cheat. The older you get the more you realize that people commit adultery. Very rarely is it anything other than a drunken fling, or even just a brief kiss, but it’s very common nonetheless. Is that the same as a secret affair for ten years (or even six months)? No. And does that make them bad people? Of course not. It just makes them people. And TBH, if you’re in a relationship, you’re in a relationship with a person, not a fucking saint. I reckon you’ll all be divorced by 40.

And speaking of saints, it might be an idea that if someone does cheat on you, you should take a good look at yourself too.

To the original poster, is he dependable - not perfect, but pretty solid? Do you love him, and visa versa? If so then you should consider it, however I would be very weary if the infidelity was anything more than a fling.

Etain

You have no children with this guy, so no permanent ties. Why would you consider taking him back? Being on you own can't be that terrible! Have some self-respect. There is no reason for you to constantly wonder and worry. If it happens again, and why wouldn't it- you've forgiven it once, you should only be angry with yourself.

midget lord

Originally posted by Etain
Have some self-respect.

we said that girl

Plenty of time to post though, I noticed.

absoltely

cormie

Love is very powerful indeed. But you couldn't really feel loved by knowing that your partner cheated on you. It would make you feel she didn't love you (it would definitely make you feel it, wether it be true or not is a different thing) but without knowing if she/he loves you or not it's going to make the relationship very difficult.

About the attraction. I don't know if you have experienced love but when you do, attraction doesn't come into it. However. Sexual and physical attraction is VERY important in a relationship. You can still love a person regardless of their looks but it may be hard to keep a loving relationship if you get me.

Sleipnir

Originally posted by midget lord
and you didnt answer my question, do your work in the dail?

From what I can see, you didn't ask that particular question making it extremely difficult for me to answer.

Demanding answered to questions you *think* you might have asked...................you sure you don't work there?


Or perhaps it's your grammer. To which question are you referring?

cormie

Originally posted by The Corinthian
And TBH, if you’re in a relationship, you’re in a relationship with a person, not a fucking saint. I reckon you’ll all be divorced by 40.

I'm not in a relationship at present. I'm only 19. I'm sure I still have allot to learn but I've probably experienced much more than most people my age regarding relationships. Not necessarilly ones I have been in.

Sleipnir

Originally posted by midget lord
are love and attraction mutually exclusive?

No but you when you first meet someone, you do not love them, you are merely attracted to them.
i.e. they are not the same thing

midget lord

Originally posted by my goodself
Another point, if you were married for say, 15 years, your wife/husband has a kid with someone else, would you stay with them?

Theres that question mate.

Or perhaps it's your grammer. To which question are you referring?

i will try to speak in small sentences from now on.

The Corinthian

Originally posted by midget lord
absoltely

So when you said you didn't have time to read the thread, you actually meant you weren’t arsed to do so then?

Originally posted by cormie
I'm not in a relationship at present. I'm only 19. I'm sure I still have allot to learn but I've probably experienced much more than most people my age regarding relationships. Not necessarilly ones I have been in.

Not experienced enough.

midget lord

Originally posted by Sleipnir
No but you when you first meet someone, you do not love them, you are merely attracted to them.

your not seeing the wood from the trees Sleipnir. You need to be phsically attracted to someone to maintain a lasting relationship, therefore, they are not mutually exclusive.

Sleipnir

Originally posted by Sleipnir
You're point about having a baby with someone else?
I don't know until it happens.

There's the answer mate, (edited to smaller sentences) in an above post.

How about you read my answers to your questions before you ask me to repeat myself?

midget lord

thats avoiding the question bertie.

Sleipnir

As opposed to you ingoring the answer.

You want me to predict my reaction to a serious situation I've never found myself in?
How would you react in a plane crash?

The Corinthian

Originally posted by midget lord
your not seeing the wood from the trees Sleipnir. You need to be phsically attracted to someone to maintain a lasting relationship, therefore, they are not mutually exclusive.

Hows your logic? If some Qualps are Bergs, does that mean that all Bergs must be Qualps?

cormie

Originally posted by The Corinthian


Not experienced enough.

No I'm not but taking age into consideration, I have loads of time to meet someone else if the situation did occur. I feel my points are valid.

midget lord

Originally posted by Sleipnir
As opposed to you ingoring the answer.

You want me to predict my reaction to a serious situation I've never found myself in?

absolutely.

If i was in a plane crash i would look for the nearest exit and make sure she got out before me. Its not that difficult really.


Corinthian, you are being nerdily argumentative. Of course there are going to be exceptions. In general, there neeeds to be phsical attraction to maintain a relationship.

The Corinthian

Originally posted by cormie
No I'm not but taking age into consideration, I have loads of time to meet someone else if the situation did occur. I feel my points are valid.

They may be valid for you, but you were advising TrishKav, not yourself - and she's not 19 and her circumstances are different.

midget lord

Originally posted by The Corinthian
They may be valid for you, but you were advising TrishKav, not yourself - and she's not 19 and her circumstances are different.

man all our circumstances are different, it doesnt make her advise any less material than yours or some other mod.

Sleipnir

Originally posted by midget lord
If i was in a plane crash i would look for the nearest exit and make sure she got out before me. Its not that difficult really.

Really, I wonder why people who die on planes crashes never thought of that one?

My point is, I am not going to think about every bad thing that can happen to my relationship and tick the relevant "Dump her/don't dump her box"
I don't know how I would react to learn that. I know a fella (again, read relevant post) who did manage to get over it and I doubt he had to consult his predetermined checklist either.

You've already decided that you won't love your wife (as she will be) if she is unfaithful to you once, no matter what.
You've also said you couldn't love an ugly person. You're girlfriend won't stay slim and beautiful forever you know and you've said you couldn't love an ugly person.

You're already setting the criteria for an affair of your own if you ask me.

The Corinthian

Originally posted by midget lord
Corinthian, you are being nerdily argumentative. Of course there are going to be exceptions. In general, there neeeds to be phsical attraction to maintain a relationship.

I don’t think you understood. Attraction may well be necessary in love (although if so, how do you explain his wife?), but that does not mean that love is necessary in all cases of attraction, as you suggested. That would be a false assertion.

The Corinthian

Originally posted by midget lord
man all our circumstances are different, it doesnt make her advise any less material than yours or some other mod.

You really don't read what people post, do you?

He/she said "No I'm not but taking age into consideration, I have loads of time to meet someone else if the situation did occur" when advising someone is a very different situation. Doesn't make for very sound advice if that's what he/she based it on, does it?

cormie

Originally posted by The Corinthian
They may be valid for you, but you were advising TrishKav, not yourself - and she's not 19 and her circumstances are different.

She is 30. I feel 30 is not too old to start again. 30 infact is really young. Physically attractive as she could ever be, probably sorted career wise and financially. Experience in men. Now is the perfect time to find a new partner I say.

absolutely.

If i was in a plane crash i would look for the nearest exit and make sure she got out before me. Its not that difficult really.


Corinthian, you are being nerdily argumentative. Of course there are going to be exceptions. In general, there neeeds to be phsical attraction to maintain a relationship.

Attraction does play a part in relationships no doubt. It is far more likely to ensure sexual satisfaction which is utterly important

midget lord

Originally posted by Sleipnir
You're girlfriend won't stay slim and beautiful forever you know and you've said you couldn't love an ugly person.

You're already setting the criteria for an affair of your own if you ask me.

now were talking. My girlfriend is beautiful in many many ways (topics for another day), my love for her doesnt exist on the surface but flows through me every passing moment. I love her now for more reasons than her good looks. But i will admit that if i wasnt sexually attracted to her in the first place i would not be in this situation now, hence attraction is necessary for me to love. I am far from alone on this Sleipnir. Can you honestly say that you would try and start a realtionship with a girl you didnt find sexually attractive?

The Corinthian

Originally posted by cormie
I feel 30 is not too old to start again.

Indeed it is not, however you admitted to giving advice based upon an egocentric perspective. Not good.

The Corinthian

Originally posted by midget lord
Can you honestly say that you would try and start a realtionship with a girl you didnt find sexually attractive?

How rich is she?

midget lord

lol, good man!!

midget lord

anyway guys i have to hit the minty highway.

Sleipnir, corinthian, cormie, nice talking to you guys, i enjoy the odd little "discussion"

[arnie]I'll be back girlie men[/arnie]

cormie

Originally posted by The Corinthian
How rich is she?

That's probably what Hawkins wife was thinking (well, how rich is he?)

I feel 19 and 30 are not very different in the way that both ages are young enough to be confident in finding love again.

The Corinthian

Originally posted by cormie
I feel 19 and 30 are not very different in the way that both ages are young enough to be confident in finding love again.

Having been both, I'd disagree. For a start at one age you're pretty worldly and experienced and at thirty, you're not so sure of that...

Sleipnir

Originally posted by midget lord
anyway guys i have to hit the minty highway.

Sleipnir, corinthian, cormie, nice talking to you guys, i enjoy the odd little "discussion"

[arnie]I'll be back girlie men[/arnie]

[arnie]Let off some steam, Bennet[/arnie]

cormie

Well we don't know the lady. It could be the right move it could be the wrong move but basing it on her age. I think 30 is definitely not too old to start again. Don't compare yourself to friends who may be getting married. Do not marry someone you are unsure of. You are your own person. There is bound to be someone out there for you.

cormie

"stick around"

"THIS CHAINSAW IS A PART OF ME, NOW I'M GONNA MAKE IT A PART OF YOUUUU...."
arnie:"THAT'S ALRIGHT, YOU KEEP IT!"

wow.

LegacyUser

Thanks for your posts. OK - more detail. I had an idea he was cheating in August last year but found out when I saw a posting he had on a web site (not this one) and then I found a letter. I left the house we shared and moved home but that did not work out so I moved back in January - in the interim I started to date again. I did not feel guilty about dating as he had cheated on me, so I fell in love, not in purpose, but it happened - however it did not work out. The girl he dated left him in December. He has wanted to get back and I feel pressured as he is my landlord - plus, I am starting to think about kids and he wants them - but when it comes to loving him I find it hard as I don't trust him, I had to block out those emotions when he cheated - part of me wants to get the feelings back as I remember how much I loved him but at the moment they are a memory only. We were going through problems when he cheated - but that does not excuse his behavior. In a long term relationship you also need friendship and that has remained to a certain extent, which is one of the reasons that I am reluctant to leave, but I don't feel that I can love him.

Thanks.