what do you think?

weeginger

Planted in 1932
A canopy for the Amen Corner
Generations of grey squirrell

Six horse chestnuts stood
through birith and death

A new car park
Dead squirrell lying
By articulated Tyres.



*Rua




My Child

I walked through Primark
Pricing school uniforms
Marvelled and the cost of books

In Tesco priced healthy lunches.
I read the parental permission slips,
Argued the merits of Steiner

Scolded the laundry pile
For using up quality time
and grappled with bindweed in the garden.

Torn between ballet and gynmastics
I walked to the play-park
Watched mothers push swings and see-saws

Sat and fed the ducks and wondered
Is this how it would be
Had you lived ?

simu

I like them!

The second one reminds me of this poem that I did at school. The technique at the end is similar but I have to say I got a bit of a jolt when I read yours too.

BEAT

hmmm, I like your style.
would like to see some more

MojoMaker

First one is good in a different sort of way, second one is excellent weeginger.

CuLT

The first one sounds (in my head) as though spoken by Christopher Walken .

Nice work.

weeginger

Having just had a horrible few days (including an asthma attack, being robbed and my house being trashed) it is really nice to get some positive feedback. Before this any feedback I have received has been from friends who though they claim to be unbiased I fear may be more complimentary than I deserve.

here is another offering, would be interested to read some of what u guys have done? Has anyone had their work published?


Still Single

I met Mr Right today
He was selling Big Issue
So I crossed the Street.

Mr Right was on the bus
I sat beside him
Then my mobile rang.

I talked to Mr Right
at my house last night,
the dishwasher's fixed.

I showered and preened
Walked in heels to the Bot
Where Mr Right introduced his wife.



Rua*


Wings

Give me wings that I may flay
High up in the gently sky

Far away from all the pain
Far from this soul's acid rain

To where all my thoughts are free
And dreams become reality

Before my heartstrings to to rust
Let me fly among stardust.

MojoMaker

I liked "Still single" - it is honest, uncomplicated, and down to earth. I wasn't mad about "Wings" though - it sounds to be like you were trying to be enigmatic in the second poem and as a result it appears slightly contrived. Stick with the subjects you know and resist the temptation to go ethereal on us - a very common mistake with aspiring writers/poets. 99% of times reaching for the stratospheric levels of true subjectivity merely ends up being cliched unfortunately.

weeginger

I appreciate the feedback. The second poem is really old - think i wrote it when I was around sixteen. In the past I was more interested in the "bigger issues" inside my head, which I am sure with writing skills as poor as mine can become quite cliched. At the moment I am more involved in everyday occurances and observations but I find it hard to write in anything other than the first person. I probably need to brush up my English skills a bit.

weeginger

Quote : "oceans of ****e material"

I am starting to feel like I am destined to remain in the cesspool, one more crap poet in the oceans of ****e material on the internet. REading some of the stuff on here has inspired and challlenged me, but also scared the crap out of me. . (By the way none of my poems are finished, sometimes I wonder if they ever will be, I feel compelled to revisit and change them constantly though it probably doesn't result in much improvement.

Here are two offerings that I am working on at the moment.


Band Aids

A scratched finger
tended and kissed better.
Broken toys and broken hearts,

Held and mnded.

Grocery shopping,
Miscellaneous errands,
Essays, exams and lazy colleagues.

Rant in my direction.

Band Aids and
I kiss it better.
But now I've cut my knee.



Boy and Girl

We talk about rent and rent and Rent and electricity bills.
There's a builder in my parking space.
There's no milk left and someone left the cooker on.

Once upon a time
We played with crayons and modelling clay
When boys didn't hold hands with girls
We escaped on lego space ships
To a land where there's no homework

Do people pay rent there?

I gave my lego set away when we got engaged
There's overtime now and bills get paid
And boys don't hold hands with girls again.

simu

I really like "Boy and Girl". It captures a certain sort of feeling (being grown up and having no way of escaping your problems for a bit) vividly and concisely.

I like the way you capitalised he third "Rent" in the first line - it gives the impression that the word rent is always on your lips like a mantra and that it eventually becomes personified and therefore capitalised. Plus, rent also has an even more sinister tone as it could allude to the possibility of the couple being "rent" apart by their problems. The movement in that line is really strong as well - it sounds very intense when you read it out loud.

Plus, the lego spaceship image, I like as well - I was always a big fan of the old lego!

I don't really get the cut knee bit in the first poem though - or maybe it's supposed to be ambiguous.

weeginger

Thanks a lot for the feed back. There is rent in the financial sense, but also the realisation that the relationship may be simply paying rent, going through the motions.

Originally posted by simu
I don't really get the cut knee bit in the first poem though - or maybe it's supposed to be ambiguous.

Some better image will come to me. Its the best I could come up with today (although it was written on the bus on the way to work). Its supposed to be about my role in life and my desire to escape it. I am the person who holds everybody else's life together. The perpetual shoulder to cry on. I am coming to the realisation that if I fulfill this role for everyone in my life, there is no one left to do the same for me. At a time in my life when I need someone, this is quite a frightning thought.

Like I said that poem hasn't captured it but hopefully something. I'll keep you updated when something comes to me.

does that make sense ?

I have ideas in my head but very poor understanding of what works and doesn't. (Back in the day my English teacher and I were arch enemies). Sometimes its very difficult to figure out how to convey a message. I am new to boards and wishing I had discovered it sooner - what a melting pot of minds, its brilliant!

simu

does that make sense ?

Yes, I'd say you should keep at it - you'll find a way of getting that accross eventually.

weeginger

I can't believe I have posted so many spelling mistakes ! I apologise