Best mates brother

Chinafoot

ok well basically i was at a BBQ in my mates house on friday and got very drunk and ended up kissing her brother. she has now completely freaked out and says she cant trust me anymore and that i really hurt her. i apologised because i did know she wouldnt like it but did it anyway. both her brother and myself explained to her that it was nothing and just a bit if drunken fun but she's still going mad about it. thing is, the BBQ was a kind of send off because herself and my other good friend headed off to boston this morning for the summer. im supposed to be going out to see them in july but shes not sure if she wants me to go now. my other mate also told me that nobody in her house is speaking to her brother over it.

i am sorry it happened and would love to fix this. just dont know how. anyone ever been in a similar situation?

Dr. Loon

Sounds like they're all seriously over reacting. Tell them to get over it. Fools.

joePC

Whats her fcuking problem, so you kissed her brother, big deal, tell her to get over it.

If she wants to break up your friendship over a kiss then you'd be better off without her.

Anyway Good luck

Thanks JoePC

Chinafoot

yea i was thinking along the same lines myself. im just amazed at her. never thought she was like that.

hedgetrimmer

Hi peachy

Ok, first up, the drunken snog thing happens. You were both consenting, and your mind wasn't focussed on your mate probably.

Secondly, your friend is under a lot of pressure at the moment, whether she realises it or not. Gonig to live in a foreign country is *scary* - you like to elave with all your safety nets (read friends in this case) "intact". What I mean by that is, becuase you effectively cutting your ties with all your mates for a while, you are scared that the dynamics of the friendship might change.

In this case the dynamics had changed, and I suspect had she not be flying out, she may not have reacted as badly.

Give her time to settle in - a couple of weeks at least - then send her a card or a letter letting her know that you are still there and trying to patch up stuff. Don't get too heavy - it'll probably be enough to let her know that you are thinking of her

Hope that helps

soma

That's a fairly stunning over reaction, and not just from her, her family are mad at the brother (not talking to him) too..? ker-azy..

tman

pfft, was she on the rag or what?

serious bit of overreaction there, wonder how she'd react if you'd kissed her boyfriend

Chinafoot

Originally posted by hedgetrimmer
Secondly, your friend is under a lot of pressure at the moment, whether she realises it or not. Gonig to live in a foreign country is *scary* - you like to elave with all your safety nets (read friends in this case) "intact". What I mean by that is, becuase you effectively cutting your ties with all your mates for a while, you are scared that the dynamics of the friendship might change.

yea i understand that after going to australia for a year.

i dont think its worth losing a friendship over but at the same time i dont want this thrown back at me all the time. she said she doesnt know if she can trust me again.....which i must say i found very dramatic. im not going to spend the rest of my life apologising for something so ridiculous.

then theres my other mate. i really dont want to put her in the middle. she still wants me to come over but the other one says she'll leave for a few days if i do. i undertand that shes angry and will hopefully settle down but its still hard to know what to do with her being all the way over in Boston.

ah hopefully it'll all calm down.

HarryD

man, what an over-reaction..
she needs to chillllll

Chinafoot

Originally posted by soma
That's a fairly stunning over reaction, and not just from her, her family are mad at the brother (not talking to him) too..? ker-azy..

yea i think he was with one of her mates before (which i knew nothing about) and she freaked out and the whole family knew about it. her mam said something about me and him disrespecting her house!!

Lainey

unless her brother was 12 i can't see where the problem.. does she normally get mad at you for snogging people..?? tell her to get over herself and what you and another adult do is your business.. he's her brother not her husband..

whosurpaddy

my brother says you can kiss him.


anything your not telling us? like was the brother married/engaged/going out with someone?

whosurpaddy

Originally posted by Lainey
he's her brother not her husband..

wait. he's not both is he?

Chinafoot

Originally posted by whosurpaddy
anything your not telling us? like was the brother married/engaged/going out with someone?

nope her brother is 22 and single. he's a nice guy and its not like i planned it. she's acting like i killed her puppy or something. :rolleyes:

the more i think about it the more annoyed i get especially when i remember back to new years eve when me and her went out and she was staying in mine. she pulled some guy and went back to his house, shagged him and then arrived back at mine at 7am. my parents thought we'd been rowing (how naive!!) and i had to make up some bullshít story! but i never said anything at the time. i could understand it a bit better if i had've shagged him but it was nothing more than a snog.

Aurther Hugh

Sometimes, despite how badly you want to fix something its just not your place to do it. She (and her seriously over dramatic family, who really should realise that there are real problems in the world and this ceratinly isn't on of them) is sooooo in the wrong here, and I think you should just try and forget about it, if you back down now she'll think she can treat you like this again. She's being desperately unfair, forgive yourself and move on , if she's any sense she will find proportion in time. Aside - wouldn't want to land myself as an inlaw if you know what I mean !

whosurpaddy

exactly. you did nothing wrong. she should be the one to mend fences here.

if she dosent you could snog her sister

Lainey

tell her to cop on to her life.. jeez, i'd never say that to my friends.. and a few of them have kissed my brothers too.. who cares.. as long as she still comes clubbin with me..

and threaten if she doesn't apologise your goin after her daddy too.. give her something to give out about..

po0k

hehehehehehehehehehehhehehehehehehe


What a pissy little thing to get angry with.


Bloody women :sigh:

seamus

Yeah, her and her family are acting like he snogged his cousin or the dog or something.
They need to chill. Maybe there's some unspoken family thing that siblings don't snog other sibling's friends.
Even so, it's not your problem. Give her a while to chill out.
Don't apologise for snoggin her brother. Apologise for doing something you knew would annoy her, but immediately follow it up with "What's the big fucking deal?"

Victor

Whats wrong? Was he kissing below his position or something? You are both adults and are allowed make adult choices and do adult things.

I think its you should be the one offended (unless her brother is really your half brother or something).

Boston

Am I the only one that can see it from the other girls point of view? What ever way you slice this it was a betrayal of your friendship. Its an unwritten rule but we all know that if we want to keep our friends we don't mess around with there siblings. So that's where the trust things comes in.

Now a little deeper. Does she have competitive issues with her brother, she may feel she will loose you to him, and that you can be both her friend and going out with him at the same time. I know you say it meant nothing, but it had to mean something for both you and him to risk the consequences, and you clearly knew what her reaction might be. That said even if you don't think it was anything, that's not how she views it I'm sure. Equating covering up for here to what you did, isn't on either. Being there for each other and sometimes covering for each other is what friends do, kissing each others brothers is not what friends should be doing.

Basically I think she was already afraid of loosing you over the move and this just made things allot more imminent. So intend of waiting for you to leave her she's dumping you. As they say its better to be the dumper and all that stuff. Either which way you have to realize this is a situation you caused and you it's upon you to try and fix it. Just give her time and let her know you're open. If she actually is your best friend, and all the things that entail, it should be so easy to end it.

Chinafoot

as always boston you never fail to disagree with me. i think i'll go with the majority on this one thanks. :rolleyes:

Boston

Originally posted by peachypants
as always boston you never fail to disagree with me. i think i'll go with the majority on this one thanks. :rolleyes:

My honest opinion, sorry if you just wanted aload of people to tell you that you where in the right. At the end of the day you're the one that's lost a friend, and if you keep blaming others don't expect to get her back.

Chinafoot

me thinks Boston doth assume too much!

:rolleyes:

anyway lads and lassies cheers for the advice. glad to see im not being completely unreasonable in the way im feeling at the moment.

hopefully it'll all work out and i'll be sure to keep you posted.

Mercury_Tilt

This post has been deleted.

Chinafoot

Originally posted by Mercury_Tilt


Next time you do some thing that you know is wrong and will cause you bother and striff... coming running to PI. Its where all the nice people are! woo...fuking...hoo....

I think you will find they tend to be that way cause they cant resist the urge to splurge their wisdom upon the rest of us.... regardless of the facts.

They are generaly as small minded as your good self.

tbh

well you're more than entitled to your opinion and it is all taken on board. i dont feel that the personal insult is necessary but hey thats just me.
i felt that her reaction was over the top and rather extreme and that seemed to be what most people were responding to. yes i did admit that i knew she wouldnt like it but it still just happened. i didnt intentionally do it because she wouldnt like it. have u never made a mistake??
but i guess thats what being human is all about. im sure theres plenty of us small minded people on here who have had a drunken snog with someone they shouldnt have and regretted it.
the point of my post was to ask how to fix it. and people did advise on this. i was not looking for an ego stroke but yes it was reassuring that people can understand how i feel.

as the people who like to give out about others asking for advice on PI always say....."dont ask us, we dont know all the details!" and its true. you didnt see her reaction and neither did anyone else but i tried to explain it as best i could. and you clearly feel that it was justified and thats fine.

thank you for your response

Boston

Originally posted by peachypants
me thinks Boston doth assume too much!

Maybe but I'm quiet good at reading between the lines and forming unique opinions on subjects. I have to agree completely with Merc here, the majority are telling you what you want to hear (Please tell me you realise allot of this is just because you're a Girl and this is the internet), I'm being honest with you here and I really don't need the hostile response, I tend not to waste my time posting for the sake of it.

You say she was way OTT, but you seem to lack any ability to see it from her point of view. She's hurt, her feelings are bruised. If this is a younger brother then you have really ****ed your friendship over. The fact you don't realise this just points out a degree of naivity ( I think thats what Merc was getting out when he said small minded)

Silent Grape

jesus mercury.....

personally id be chuffed if one of my friends was with my brother. the poor guy never gets any. but thats just me, i dont really understand all these unwritten rules of friendship etc etc. it does seem a wee bit trivial though.

Boston

Originally posted by Silent Grape
jesus mercury.....

personally id be chuffed if one of my friends was with my brother. the poor guy never gets any. but thats just me, i dont really understand all these unwritten rules of friendship etc etc. it does seem a wee bit trivial though.

Well that's your choice. Would you be still be happy if a friend got it together with your brother and it all when pear shaped and you had to choose? Would you be happy you're friend reporting everything back to your brother, how could you confide in her again? Its just hassle avoidance. I'm not saying it can't happen, it happens quiet often and works out well sometimes, but there's a procedure to follow, you're meant to put your best friends feelings before trying to get your leg over.

Personally, and since I don't know the girl, what would hurt me most in this situation is the casualness of it all. Both of them did something that they knew she wouldn't approve of in a very very casual way with no regard for her feelings. If it meant nothing and is so trivial as she claims then she has hurt her friend so callously and deeply. The real sting in the tail is how selfish you where, I doubt she honestly cares who you kiss. And all I think Merc is saying is screw reasonable, this is how your friend see it, that's the situation deal with it.

Cake Fiend

Unless there's more to this that we're not being told, you can throw my vote on the 'overreaction' pile too.

bug

I dont know why but I'm thinking that there is more to this...
Has he just broke up with a long-term girlfriend?
Is he much older than you?...You than him?
Generally are their other issues with him in his family?
I do think that the fact that you said you wouldnt might be the betrayal of trust in the friendship rather than the act itself perhaps.

GuanYin

Originally posted by peachypants
i felt that her reaction was over the top and rather extreme and that seemed to be what most people were responding to. yes i did admit that i knew she wouldnt like it but it still just happened. i didnt intentionally do it because she wouldnt like it. have u never made a mistake??

Sorry, gonna go with Merc and Boston here, You knew she wouldn't like it?

How and why did you know this? You said you didn't know about the previous incident, but you still knew so there has to be a reason you knew.

That said, you basically said "**** my friend, I'm getting my kicks" at a party that was supposed to be about your friendship with her.

Thats right, You and Her.

Instead you ditched her to do something that you knew would upset he rand didn't care about.

She has every right to think you are the biggest bitch on the planet, not to trust you and not to want anything to do with you. She'll probbaly get over it in time and even forgive you but you may have lost her trust and it'll probably never be fogotten.

You shouldn't be focusingon how angry you are at her, you should be trying to make up to her for ruining her going away party on her and totally disregarding her feelings.

As for her families dealings with her brother, thats frankly none of your business, I'd stayout of it before you do the poor lad any more damage.

Victor

Hang on, if peachypants had kissed her friend's ex, would there be as much condemnation? I thick the concensus would be that the friend would have to "get over it".

GuanYin

Originally posted by Victor
Hang on, if peachypants had kissed her friend's ex, would there be as much condemnation? I thick the concensus would be that the friend would have to "get over it".

I think its down to the motives.

If you do something like kiss a friends ex or sibling because you have feelings for them. The friend has a right to be annoyed, but shouldgetover it.

If you do it for jolies despite knowing it'll pissoff your mate, then you deserve whatever label they want to brand you with and should grin bear it and hope you can restore their faith.

seamus

Originally posted by syke
If you do it for jolies despite knowing it'll pissoff your mate, then you deserve whatever label they want to brand you with and should grin bear it and hope you can restore their faith.

In fairness to her she knew it would piss off her mate, but had no idea that her mate would go Super-ultra-psycho-bitch about it.

As I said, apologise for doing something that she knew would piss her off, i.e. denting her trust, but immediately confront her about it; i.e.

Originally said by Eric Cartman
Hey! What's the big fucking deal, bitch?

What she should be more worried about is that her friend is essentially deciding to some degree who she can and can't have a drunken kiss with. Fine it's her brother, but what's the difference?

Lemming

tbh, what "unwritten rule" about not going near siblings mates. T'is boll*cks :rolleyes: Now being uncomfortable and being psychotic about it are two different things .....

I believe that her friend and her friend's family are in serious need of an attitude check. Not peachypants. Whether or not you agree with what she did, their reaction was extreme to say the least any way you cut it.

So less of the "holier than thou" preaching-from-the-pulpits sh*t please :rolleyes:

Oriel

peachypants,
what age are you?

Chinafoot

Originally posted by Sinecure
peachypants,
what age are you?

im 20, my friend is 20 and her bro is 22.

Mercury_Tilt

This post has been deleted.

Mercury_Tilt

This post has been deleted.

Boston

TBH I agree with the sentiment of Merc's post here. You may be her best friend (doesn't really sound like it though) but that doesn't mean she wants you anywhere near her brother. You're basically calling here a slut with your little story (was it really relevant to the situation) points to me as something like " She's one to talk, she's worse then me" attitude in that department. Implying you know what she thinks of you as far as men goes, hypocrisy or not, and as a result would be really upset by it all. I think Merc might have hit something on the head.

Lemming,

wanting to end a friend ship over betrayal of that friendship is not being a psycho. You may say that the sibling rule is bollix, but it obviously existed here, and she knew about it. Friends don't hurt friends for their own kicks. If you're a stand up girl that it's not an issue and you still make sure your friend is ok with it. However if you're a heart breaker and ball taker then its obviously not going to be ok.

fitz

In fairness, regardless of what we all think of the sibling rule, and it does exist, the friend in this situation had obviously made it clear that it was a no-go area.

Peachy made a mistake.
The severity of the reaction is not really relevant (nor is the reaction of the family, who I don't think have any place in this, it's between Peachy and her mate really, they should butt out)
Peachy made her bed, now she has to lie in it, or do something in order to get out of it again.

I suggest a handwritten letter of apology for doing something she knew was not okay with her friend.
If Peachy is genuinely sorry for doing something against her friends wishes (she doesn't sound it atm), and she makes a sincere apology to reflect the fact, then the ball is in the friends court and all she can do is wait annd hope it's forgiven.

At the end of the day, if you don't respect boundaries within friendships, well, how are you being a friend?




[edit] If you do lose her friendship altogether Peachy, go the whole hog and shag her brother....ah, sure what am I sayin, you'll probably get pissed at a bbq again and do that anyway, but hey...mistakes happen right? Before you say I'm being a pr*ck, this is what you're mate is thinkin... [/edit]

Lemming

Originally posted by Mercury_Tilt

Such a rule does exist in some circles.. Just because you don't believe in it or have never experienced it does not make it a load of bollix. Its actually much more enforced or easily understood when its the sister of a male.. and his male friends that are involved. Imagine one of the mates that you know who is constantly down the pub going on about banging this one and that one.. all of a sudden having an interest in your sister.

Well, that's just it ... my little sister has gone out with blokes I've known since before they knew each other. And it's never been a problem. I'm not my sister's chaperone. She has her own life to live whether or not I agree with it or approve of whatever she does. Heaven forbid she be allowed to have her own life :rolleyes:

I for one would have no issues personally with some one dating my younger sister.. but if I heard he had a reputation or what ever... it is in my blood to look out for her. I'd be inclined to try and enlighten her but as a person I wouldn’t force my thoughts or position on the matter upon her. But thats just me.

With all of I said above in mind, I'd not take too kindly to finding out my sister was being jerked around by someone, friend of mine or no. So your quote there is pretty much a given and I'll agree with it 100%

also..there are others on the planet who hold much more to the belief about looking out for family and friends. To the point that they would happily interfere beyond what could be seen as reasonable behavior.

Tbh mercie, you've answered my argument for me with thast last bit. Her friend and her family have gone beyond reasonable. She apologised and her friend & her family are just throwing it back at her constantly. But what realy gets it for me is the whole:

(insert whining voice)
"If she comes over here, I'm leaving while she's here. I don't care that she's flying half-way round the world to visit us"
(end whining voice)

Reasonable? I think not. Verging on rabidly psychotic. Yes.

Perhaps peachyweachywoo is a bit of a go'er and her mate wouldn’t want her near her brother?

Possibly, but it's her brother's call. She can tell him that maybe it isn't a good idea because x,y, & z, but it's his decision and she's acting like an immature little brat.

ahhh... now interesting comment there. Who said anyone went psychotic?

Term of expression more than actual fact .... I would consider the whole "violating the sanctity of my house" & the usa-threat-demand thing as going beyond freaking out. But that's just me.

"completely freaked out " and "going mad about it" are not characteristics one would associate with being psychotic I would imagine. Perhaps you got confused by just skimming over all the conclusions other posters had came to in their haste to agree with peachyweachywoos rather biased side of the situation?

Perhaps it was the unfounded post by Seamus.....

Or perhaps it was becuase I was tired, grumpy and half-arsed to form my thoughts correctly.

I think they should all be signed up for some old style shock therapy immediately

Now there's an idea ........

Now thats rich......

Sadly, no. if it were, my posts would be trimmed in gold-leaf Mercie

arkles

maybe her friend has unspoken lesbian tendancies and fancies peachy ?, can happen

seamus

Originally posted by Mercury_Tilt
Perhaps it was the unfounded post by Seamus......
... that lead you to believe she went psychotic? When she really just got "completely freaked out " and "going mad about it"

I would consider her, and her family's reaction, quite psycho (to turn a phrase, not actually psychotic, obviously :rolleyes: ).

unklefiction

So I must be the only person thinkin she is over reacting a little over her brother's love life strikes me as a little strange maybe some sort of incestuous illicit affair going on there don't you think?

Edit* sorry peaches for putting such an image of your friend in your head.

Boston

Originally posted by Lemming
Well, that's just it ... my little sister has gone out with blokes I've known since before they knew each other. And it's never been a problem. I'm not my sister's chaperone. She has her own life to live whether or not I agree with it or approve of whatever she does. Heaven forbid she be allowed to have her own life :rolleyes:

Blokes you've know are one thing, best friend is another. Well done for being so open minded, here a gold star and a pat on the head, some people do have issues with friends seeing siblings, its understandable that they do, and it doesn't make them automatically metally defective as you claim.

Originally posted by Lemming

With all of I said above in mind, I'd not take too kindly to finding out my sister was being jerked around by someone, friend of mine or no. So your quote there is pretty much a given and I'll agree with it 100%:

Think about it, a friend, someone you trust and hold dear is jerking about your sister, that's got to hurt and you would probably have nothing more to do with that person. Is it unreasonable to persume that this is the situation here? She is probably just afraid peachy will Jerk her brother about in the same fashion, and she (being her best friend and all) is probably in a position to know.

Originally posted by Lemming


(insert whining voice)
"If she comes over here, I'm leaving while she's here. I don't care that she's flying half-way round the world to visit us"
(end whining voice)

Reasonable? I think not. Verging on rabidly psychotic. Yes.

:

Sorry but where are you gettign this from.

Originally posted by whosurpaddy

and as was said before, unwritten rule about not being with friends siblings is bollox

Bollix in what sense of the word? In that I'm making it up, is childish ect ? what?
Just because you don't like osmething doesn't make it bollix, and while you might want your cake and eat it, simple fact is sometimes you do have to put friends before swrewing each others family.

merc your being a dick.

Why? I'm pretty much saying what he is saying, what makes him a dick? giving an honest opinion to a female member of boards? Christ grow up.

Lainey

i'm also thinking there could be more to this as i have never heard of a reaction like this to a simple snog.. .. the only time i got pissed at a friend for this was when my bro was going with someone... i can't understand why her parents would even care tbh, only disrespect to them would be if you were shagging on the kitchen table.. maybe thats what you should have done.. give them something to moan about..
i'd just let her cool off.. she get over it in her own time..

Scruff

Was just going to say what unklefiction said.
bit of an ott reaction for a song. not like you shagged his brains out.

Though i have to wonder why her parents were so disapproving too. is it possible they see u as "not good enough for my son"? If so i'd be rid of the whole lot of them.

Boston

Originally posted by Scruff
^^^^^^
Was just going to say what he said.
bit of an ott reaction for a song. not like you shagged his brains out.

Though i have to wonder why her parents were so disapproving too. is it possible they see u as "not good enough for my son"? If so i'd be rid of the whole lot of them.

That is one possiblity... and really the only one that could redeem peachy. Maybe the friend has been untrustworthy her self and told her family about what peachy gets up to, and now is simply afraid that if peachy gets together with her brother peachy will find out that her best mate can't keep her mouth shut. That said peachy isn't the most trust worthy, she has just told the internet what a slapper her best mate is, while knowing that people on here know her in real life.

ravenhead

I really can't see what the big deal is here ....I wouldn't let it get to you. It's obvious that she was all emotional about leaving & so were her family & the slightest thing could have set them off, It's just a pitty that it was you... you're friend is a danger of ruining a good friendship over something really not that serious at all .... God Help her if she had a really problem to worry about...
Just don't contact her for a while & let her think about it ... give her a ring before you go over but don't let her stop you from going...