Girl Trouble

LegacyUser

Hows it goin there folks? Just was wondering if you could give me a bit of advice here. I was goin out for a girl for a year and we were really really happy, for both of us it was our first relationship, we lost our virginity with each other and done loadsa cool stuff, went on holidays etc, basically had a brillant year. We were very close, an awful lot of txting, fone calls etc, then i went to uni and she was still at skool, we had the odd argument but nuttin too bad, i didnt go nuts for her sake at uni and never once cheated or even thought about it. She was a wee bit obsessive, nothing too bad, but a little bit. I only got to see her at the weekends and it was a hour drive to her house and id normally stay over or sumthin. Then a week before our 1 year anniversary we had a huge row, she was goin mad with me playing football again and having matches at the weekend cause she was worried that we wudn't get to see each other. I thought that was fair enough so i only went to training and didnt bother with matches at the weekend. Then she told me 1 evening that she had got a part time job at the weekends in a shop, saturdays and sunday evenings, when i heard this you can understand how pissed off i was but she didnt seem to see why. I kinda went nuts and she said well if you're so sick of it then why dont you finish it and i was in such a rage i said fine then (she had dumped me in tempers twice before throughout the year and i always just forgave her) and we had a huge row in which she brought up how controlling i was and that she thought we were too far away and how far away from each other she was and how she felt so far away from me when she was at uni etc etc. I kinda ignored her for a few days and she never bothered with me, then it was our 1 year anniversary and she came up to ours, i took her out and spent botu 100 quid on a meal and presents etc etc, she seemed to be kinda ok, then the following day when she went home she said that it wasnt working out and her feelings had changed for me etc etc. I started back up at uni (this all happened over my easter holidays) and her parents went away for a week on holiday's and she went off the rails, goin out all the time etc etc hanging bout with "friends" she had always constantly told me she hated and were no use etc. I drunk the bit out for 2 weeks at uni tryin to get over all this but it didnt help, i ran after her like a helpless fool, ran up a huge fone bill tryin to sort things out with her but she just kept telling me she wanted to live her life and that her feelings for me had changed. Since this she started goin out with sum fella for 2 weeks but she's since broke up with him cause it was "nothing serious", she told me she slept with him only to get back at me, what for i dont know, and that she felt bad for doing it and she regret's it. She's stuck in the middle of her exams and she's still goin out like nuttin ordinary and tbh ive tried for the last 5 weeks to get her bk but ive kinda given up, but then deep inside me i still want her but every1 tells me to 4get about her, first relationship bla bla, and to go and get loaded, but i really miss her, she was more than just a gf to me, more like a best friend. I talk to her on the fone but she says she only likes me as a friend and that she doesnt have the "will" to have a serious relationship. Im finding it awful hard to cope with it, im alrite when im at uni i just basically go to classes and get wrote off at nite time, so my minds kept off it, but im home now to revise and its doing my head in and i cant get any work done. I know thats awful long but i hada get it all out and see what you folks think. Any advice would be helpful cuz its breaking my heart all this **** atm. Ive prolyl left out loads but if any of you have any advice bout wot i should do id be grateful. Im goin to america for 2 weeks after my exams so that should help clear my head but atm i just cant concentrate on anything. I just want her back so badly but she doesn't want to know. Ppl say to leave her alone and she'll want me back, i asked her does she not miss me and she said no, i asked her does she not miss the wee things we used to do and she said yea, that anything with any1 else doesnt feel right. So basically what do you'se think? Should i just forget about her? Leave her a while see if she still wants? It's my first serious relationship and i don't know what to do tbh.

Many thanks.

Thorbar

I think you should start using paragraphs. Kinda hard to understand what the situation is but my gut reaction is to forget about her. She was really clingy to you when you were in college and she was in school but as soon as she went to college things changed and she wants to have fun. Would I be right in saying that? She doesn't mind you giving up things for the relationship but she got a job and saw it as no big deal? If these two points are correct I'd suggest forgetting the selfish bitch and enjoying the rest of college.

Beruthiel

she’s a kid, and from the sounds of her she’s all over the camp,
she was right when she said she’s not ready for a serious long term relationship, she’s not.
You are in college, you should just forget about her, get on with the craic in college and enjoy the experience. Your head will be melted for a while, but if you continue to drag out something that’s not going to work anyway, your head will be melted for a lot longer.
As you said yourself, she was your first love, but she sure as hell won’t be your last. Get out there and enjoy life.

LegacyUser

Lol soz about the paragraphs i just started and didnt look up till id stopped : / Im grand when im at college with the lads, im lucky that i live with 4 fella's and were all friendly as hell and they keep my head occupying alot, they know what im going through but when im at home i always end up feelin lonely and always think of her, after 5 weeks of tryin to get her back and been made a total fool out of, nobody has ever made a fool out of me before i just have kinda given up. But i cant somehow get her out of my head, she tells me to leave me alone so i do in the hope that maybe she just wants space and then she'd seen me a txt totally outta the blue as civil as anything, id chat her then on the fone and she gets so angry with me for no reason and starts telling me to leave her alone, i duno wtf to do.

LegacyUser

Any1 else any advice on the matter?

arkles

dont txt or call her for a few weeks, give her some space, dont try to get her back, she cant miss u while ur in contact, ignore her phone calls & txts

Sleepy

Delete her number from your phone and forget about her. I have a rule about not meeting an ex for three months after we break up. Then, when we do meet up again, we're both over each other and can be friends again. Adjust this as necessary, but the only adjustments I'd recommend would be prolonging this period if you still have feelings after 3 months.

If you're finding it that difficult to study at home, go back to your college gaff and you might get some more done there. The girlfriend sounds like a manipulative, negative impact on your life. You don't need it. As Beruthiel said, she was your first love but she sure as hell won't be your last.

MissMinx

Hi Volume,

One thing I have learned, after recently splitting with my partner, is that I think you are looking for more of a place to venting your anger and frustration more than advice. And rightly so, as you should vent your anger due to this situation you are in.

I know that you feel lost, angry etc but that you still feel your heart thump and race when you think of this person you have lost. In a way it is mourning. And as well you know people grieve for their loss. What you feel right now is only natural and completely normal.

I have spent many many evenings with friends and family so so lost as to what to do, looking for advice from them, needing and wanting desperately answers- answers and advice to which they could not give.

People can tell you move on, time heals etc etc but you are not listening because that is not what you want to hear.

Nobody here has any answers for you. What you are looking for is a solution to this problem and nobody has that answer/solution for you. Only you know what is best for you.

Its not all about advice, its about having someone to listen to you and someone to tell you that it is going to be ok.

Well, Volume, in my experience, it will be ok. Give yourself a chance. You deserve it. You sound like a really nice person, educated, thoughtful. Lots of positive things about you.

At the moment, you are rock bottom, cant sink any lower, well the only way that you can go is back up. It may be a slow, painful journey back up to the top, but you will get there. And you know what? regardless of whether you want to rise back up or not, whether you want to move on or not, you will because the world keeps turning, tomorrow is another day and your life will keep going on.

At the moment you are filled with panic, frustration. You cannot see the trees from the woods. You cannot think clear. All you can think about is you want her back, you want her back, you want her back.

But when you start seeing things more clearly (and even though right now you are thinking what the hell does this person know? Believe me I know), you might realise that no you dont want her back.

BUT You, my dear, will do what you want anyways regarding this girl no matter what anyone says or advice given.

But please do what is right for yourself. If you get back with her because things have changed and ye love/trust eachother good for ye. BUT dont try and get back with her because you are used to her and because you have history with her. That is not enough and dont fool yourself into thinking that it is.

Sometime we have to let go, we just have to.

One last word, dont call yourself a fool because you are not. You are having completely normal reactions to this situation. You are only human.

Take care of yourself.

Quigs Snr

Well MissMinx, thats about the best post I have seen here. I wish I'd seen it earlier in the year after I came out of a 7 year relationship and wanted to just crawl under a rock and die. If there is a worse feeling of hurt, despair and hopelessness, I never want to encounter it.

At least you have good friends around you, that is very, very important. I had some good friends (I never realised how good), and they probably saved my life in the end.

Like you say, nobody can say anything to make you feel any better. I would not say I was over it in any way (hard when your nose is being rubbed in it, but thats another story). However, I do feel a lot better these days.

What has helped me is to start doing the things I used to enjoy before her. I have contacted all my old friends again, been on weekends away, taken up the gym again, soccer, cycling, all the old stuff I used to like doing. I have worked like a demon on the house we bought together (which I am now sole owner of), to make it into somewhere I can be proud of. If I wanted to stay up till 7am watching movies or playing video games I have.

I go out a lot, making a point of going out with people I normally wouldn't just to widen my circle again (after 7 years it narrows a lot), and I make sure I enjoy it. Sure sometimes, I am down and I don't want to be around people, but I have learned to force myself, go out and mix, pretend to be having a good time if you have to, I was shocked how many nights I was depressed, making excuses not to meet people, but forced myself out and had a great time (some nights I didn't have a great time, but you don't know until you give it a go). Basically do stuff that you want to do. Get your own life back on track, learn to be happy with your own company again. Learn to enjoy just being you. If you can do that, the pain will gradually start to fade, sure you'll still have dark days, but they should become fewer and further between.

Lemming

I think MissMinx put it eloquently, although I'd like to add my weight to Beruthiel's analysis of your ex. She is all over the place and doesn't know her arse from her elbow. Forget about her. She ain't worth the misery.

fitz

Sounds like typical Princess Syndrome.
You doted on her, gave her your time etc.
Then you started playing footie, so obviously footie is more important than her, in her eyes. Which is a load of arse.
And then she didn't see the double standard when she did the same thing.
She called you controlling when she was the one who caused you to not play matches at the weekend.

This kinda thing would have only gotten worse.
And will get worse if you were to win her back.

Don't forget about her, cause this is a valuable lesson on relationships.
They shouldn't be built on dependency or need.

But I would advise you to walk away from the situation and don't look back.
Don't text, don't call.
If she calls, tell her you don't feel that you are ready to talk to her, and ask her to respect that, and hopefully in the future you can be friends.
You might not be, but for the next 6 months at least, contact with this girl is bad for you.

Learn your lessons, go out and enjoy yourself. It's hard losing a first love, but like Ruthie said, it won't be your last, and if you're careful not to let yourself get drawn into similar circumstances, the next will leave you wondering why you tolerated this behaviour at all...

acous

MissMinx & Quigs Snr: Great posts. thanks. i'm sure anyone who's broken up with someone recently will appreciate such comforting words

Corksham

Time heals broken hearts, not as fast as broken bones but it does heal. I thought I'd never get over my first real serious relationship (22-25), I was devastated and drank ireland dry for weeks on end (literally), but it's all water and alcohol under the bridge.
Forget about her, as difficult as that is, it sounds like it's time to move on.
If it's any consolation we've all been there, some of us more than once (just been there again very recently).
God bless alcohol.

Corksham

Originally posted by Acous
MissMinx & Quigs Snr: Great posts. thanks. i'm sure anyone who's broken up with someone recently will appreciate such comforting words

Agreed, I should have read them first!!

whosurpaddy

Originally posted by fitz
Don't forget about her, cause this is a valuable lesson on relationships.
They shouldn't be built on dependency or need.

But I would advise you to walk away from the situation and don't look back.
Don't text, don't call.
If she calls, tell her you don't feel that you are ready to talk to her, and ask her to respect that, and hopefully in the future you can be friends.
You might not be, but for the next 6 months at least, contact with this girl is bad for you.

i would definitely agree with these 2 points. i know its not what you want to hear but you will get over her, and it will probly happen out of the blue, ul just wake up one morning and realise you havent thought about her in weeks. when that happens your ready to be "just friends" untill then dont go running to her whenever she calls. start thinking about yourself.


oh and since typedef hasnt seen this thread yet, if she has a sister, sleep with her. she'll love that

Ellesmere

Cry, shout, laugh, give out hell…Believe in your capacity for love, and hold this belief no matter how many times you get knocked down. It’s hard to know when something is over when you’re not the one who made the decision. But she has. Sometimes we tell ourselves ‘if only I said this or done that’ things will be better again. That won’t change a thing, know that it’s just the way she is.

You said you felt like you have been made a fool of. In love the heart rules the head now let the head rule over the heart. Feel humbled by this experience, you have lived, you have loved, and you have learned. Now you have a job to do at college.

It’s a shame that stuff like this always happens when other stuff is going on in our lives. But your career is the most important thing now. Lock yourself away, turn off your mobile phone, absorb yourself in your books and notes. After your exams talk to your friends; annoy the hell out of them, that’s what they are there for.

ur mentor

I don't think you should forget her. Certainly you need to accept she has moved on and reading your post i think you have too. You always hope that your past will move into your future with you- but it doesn't always happen.
You will find someone else- someone that is where you are now.
This is the best therapy. i don't think drink is the cure although it may feel good at the time.
People are all special- those that you get close to are more special as they form a part of you and have an impact even years later.
You will be fine- its really great to be able to find an outlet for your feelings. put it in a letter and get a friend to mail it to you in a year. You will be amazed at how your feelings have changed.:)

Skud

I'm going through something similar atm and so is my friend... i have been in a relationship before so i know how hard it is when you leave it and the first time you always want them back real bad... She will you do something that will wake you up eventually if you don't, what i must say though is you seem a genuine enough person and that's what ppl appreciate these days. Too may ppl have turned into a "nasty piece of work" so don't let them be like you, don't let this sour you. I think she has a lot of growing up to do and the solution you recquire comes with experience, true you don't want to hear it but if everybody says it...it may be obvious. Love can blind you and so can raghe/frustration, look forward to america and a new beginning after you return. Try deleting her number (or changing your number even better) this shall help you when you really need to let it lie for awhile. Ask your best friend to assist in you not phoning/txting her. Go out, meet new girls, cause there is some really (actually) nice ones out there, they just harder to find

Kingp35

i went through the exact same thing as you. My girlfriend is from Athlone and she used to go to college in Galway but now she has got a three year accountant apprentiship in sligo. Im from Dublin and go to college in dubli and i still have two years to go. Basically we have been going out for 2 years now only really seeing each other on weekends.

I had to do what you did in giving up the sports which wasnt easy for me because i played both gaelic football and soccer for Dublin and i was going places. I have had lots of problems with her in that she was made work on Sundays in her part time job and I had a huge argument with her when she said she was going to work in sligo for 3 years. I always thought that se would get a job in dublin. She said she tried but couldnt get one.

Anyway to get to the point we broke beforeafter about a year too because she decided she didnt want to be with me because of all the problems with the distance and i used to complain sometimes about not seeing her enough which is a valid point. Anyway during that time we were broken up I was constantly at her for us to get back together. Just like are i was asking her did she miss me and she would so no but she missed the things we did but she only wanted to be friends now. For 5 weeks i was texting and ringing trying to get her to give it another go and for us to work out our problems. Eventually she told me that we shouldnt be talking and texting as much as we were because we are no longer going out. I didnt take too well to this and i just said fine ill never text you or talk to you again.

And i didnt and she didnt take this well at all. Because we used to talk everyday the shock of being without me when i stiopped texting hit her hard and she finally realised what its like to be ithout me. She texted a couple of days later saying she justs needs some time to think things over and i aid ok. This all came from me not talking to her. Then at the end of week she decided to give it another go and we have been happy together ever since and are talking bout living together.

Point is i know its hard but stop texting her and ringing her for a bit and she will realise what its like not to have you i her life. This is the only wa because when you are gone she will have to decide for herself if thats what she wants. It worked out for me and there is no reason why it cant for you as our situations were almost identical Try it and she realise what its like without you.

I hope that helps you

20 Times 20 Times

Alll brilliant posts i must admit and it gives other readers great satisfaction knowing that if there loking for advice or some one to talk to then they can come here


well done all

tinkerbell

Hey volume,

All you need to do is give yourself time and space, and you will get over her. As everyone else said, stop contact with her for a while. There's no way you'll be able to adjust yourself while still talking to her, it'll only wreck your poor head, and will make trying to move on an awful lot longer.

It sounds as if she wasn't good enough for you anyway - granted ye had a great time while you lived at home, but once you went to college you said she got possessive, even though she had no reason to be. A healthy relationship is when two people can be fantastic as a whole but also have their own lives too without the other getting jealous, etc. You went to great lengths to keep her happy, you gave up your footie, to have her only go off and get a job. And to say she went off and slept with some other guy just to try and get back at you, well that was just horrible.

You seem like a great guy and can do a lot better than her. Put yourself first now, cut her out of your life, you'll get over her, and in a few months you probably won't have any feelings at all towards her (even though you might not believe this right now), but it will get better, as that song goes - the only way is up!

Gordon

I agree with sarge

Originally posted by whosurpaddy
oh and since typedef hasnt seen this thread yet, if she has a sister, sleep with her. she'll love that

Typedef: Typecast
heh

LegacyUser

Hey folks, just like to thank you all, you've been absolutely brillant.

Right oh, well ive went easy on the contact front, i said to her that she either wants to get back together or we stop talking for a while, cause i cant cope with not having her totally, if you know what i mean. She said she just wants to stay friends till she sorts her head out. Which i think is a bit unfair of her on my feelings. Anyway ive been fairly short with her recently and havent bothered ringing her or txting her as much, in fact i dont bother until she contacts me.

But like she was at her friends yesterday and started sending me foto msg's of her and her friend and a real gorgeous one of her sitting by herself which only serves to drive me insane. I try to be as distant as possible then last nite she said do you want a chat during which i said im gettin over it now and im sick of running after you and being treated like a fool, she was like bla bla i just need time. Soooo anyway, she's away out 2nite and so am i with the boys for a friends leaving drinks b4 he hits the states. She promised me that she wouldn't have anything to do with any other boys till she sorts her head out, and she told me not to be doing anything either to which i just grunted a reply. She said she was chatting to her mum about us and everything. She said she just wants to keep it as friends to see if her feelings change, all this crap bout not wanting to be closed in and stuff.

I dont feel the need to but why the **** does she still care? She tell me she wants to be alone, sort things out, im pestering her, i was too controlling bla bla. What is she tryin to do? Is she tryin to drive me insane?

Arggggggggggg, does she want me back or not? I want to either get bk with her, my will of doing that btw is growing smaller every day, but she insist's on being friends till she sorts her head out? What the **** am i supposed to do? I feel as if im just a lap dog to her and its driving me mad. Jesus i wish this crap wud sort itself out. Any thoughts or advice much appreciated folks :

Georgiana

Miss Minx's post is great. My own approach to these situations which unfortunately we all have to go through is

1. Recognise when your feelings are really running high from loss/grief and keep telling yourself that this is no state in which to make important decisions. This keeps you from making that phone call or visit which you really shouldn't for your own sake.

2. Watch the use of alcohol etc as a way of relieving pain. Its not a great idea to do it too regularly

3. The best plan of all is to spend loads of time figuring out what you really really enjoy doing and spend loads and loads of time doing it. Don't let yourself fall into the trap of "but its no good doing it alone or without her". Do it anyway even if your heart is not in it to start with. For example-If you like football-give yourself loads of football- If you like painting-give yourself loads of that. Make a list of really small pleasures you could have straight away-or every day- for example your favourite food, your favourite music (not stuff which carries memories!!), your favourite clothes, your favourite videos. Keep your place nice and comfortable and how you like it so it doesn't look depressing and messy. I find this really helps. Paint your bedroom. Make a model ship. Plant a garden. Set up a website. Get stuck into a really good book which you enjoy. Do anything that puts fire in your belly and time will pass and things will get better. Whatever you do, don't spend all your time lolling around thinking about her.

It gets much easier as you go along. Good luck.

Georgiana

PS: I forgot to say I think you will never forget this girl because she was your first love. I don't think you should try to forget her or think bad things about her. I think you should treasure your beautiful memories of your time with her but I do think you need to acknowledge that it was a beautiful time which is now over. And let it sink into your memory as just that, a beautiful memory to be treasured but recognised as in the past. I'm sure she will always treasure her memories of her first love as well. We all do. But set it firmly in the past in your mind and move on.

LegacyUser

Well folks, she started txted me last nite when i was out, saying that she missed me and that she loved me, didn't mention gettin bk together, what does this mean? Why is this so complicated? One minute she wants to be alone n says her feelings have changed, the next she misses me n loves me, wtf is goin on

Seraphina

tbh volume, she's screwing you around and i wouldn't recommend getting back with her even if she suggests it. definately leave her alone for a fair bit longer and see is she still interested. she might just be coming back cause she knows you're there. for all you know she may have broken up with you to try it on with another guy and was rejected. you dont know what the hells going on with her and it sounds like she doesn't either.

Georgiana

She sounds confused. Be careful or you could get really hurt. Dont assume that because she says she wants you that it will be alright if you get back together. She might just be lonely and it is too easy to go back to someone you know if you are lonely. Happens all the time.

Ellesmere

she could be stringing you along. hedging her bets, keeping someting to fall back on, while she checks out what else is on offer. yeah it sounds horrible but thats what happens sometimes. you have the choice in how you deal with this, maybe it's time that you made the decision that it's all over.

if not, don't let things go back like nothing happened, play things cool for awhile. let her know that your pissed off and don't like being dicked around. you either love someone or not and it's not like you done anything horrendous on her. put it to her. and if she still is being evasive what does that say?

if you do decide to end it for good, which might be the best idea, ask yourself do you realy need each other has 'friends'? what does that accomplish? ex's that decide to become 'friends' (i have never heard of that working. they may be friendly, but 'good' friends? i don't think so) don't text each other constantly. answer her texts less frequently with alot less to say, tell her your busy with school work or your hanging out with the guys. let it drift apart.

silverside

Dump her and don't keep in touch, sounds like she is too young/immature for you & not worth the hassle i.e. a headwrecker, keep yourself busy with your friends/hobbies and you will soon find someone else.

And learn to write in paragraphs and use capital letters

whosurpaddy

i agree silverside she seems very immature. if you too are "just friends" she has no right to be telling you not to be/sleep with other people. let her know this in no uncertain terms.

id also reccomend telling her not to text/send pictures to you. i mean wtf is she doing that for anyway. she may aswell send you a message saying i hope im still fscking with your head. seems a blatent attempt to make sure your still thinking about her.

if your going to see her in social situations (ie like if you have mutual friends or whatnot) then thats differnant but she doesnt have a reason to be texting you if youve asked her not to.

id agree with seraphina in that you should think about saying no if she asks to get back together. even if its just to let her realise you wont come running whenever she wants. thats the root of the problem here imo. she thinks she can get back with you whenever she wants.

fitz

She's going from Princess to outright Queen.

She wants her cake and to eat it to.
Do you want to be with someone with so little regard for your feelings?
Cut your loses, tell her you don't want to hear from her.
Don't reply to texts, don't answer calls.

If you do, you're just giving her power.
She'll still have a hold over you, still have influence.
This girl is not worth getting back together with.
She may be a fantastic person, but she certainly is selfish and self-centred when it comes to you.

Don't be a whipping boy.
Stop contact COMPLETELY.

In 2 months you'll wonder why you didn't do it sooner.
Been there, burned the t-shirt...

Lemming

Originally posted by volume
Hey folks, just like to thank you all, you've been absolutely brillant.

Right oh, well ive went easy on the contact front, i said to her that she either wants to get back together or we stop talking for a while, cause i cant cope with not having her totally, if you know what i mean. She said she just wants to stay friends till she sorts her head out. Which i think is a bit unfair of her on my feelings. Anyway ive been fairly short with her recently and havent bothered ringing her or txting her as much, in fact i dont bother until she contacts me.

But like she was at her friends yesterday and started sending me foto msg's of her and her friend and a real gorgeous one of her sitting by herself which only serves to drive me insane. I try to be as distant as possible then last nite she said do you want a chat during which i said im gettin over it now and im sick of running after you and being treated like a fool, she was like bla bla i just need time. Soooo anyway, she's away out 2nite and so am i with the boys for a friends leaving drinks b4 he hits the states. She promised me that she wouldn't have anything to do with any other boys till she sorts her head out, and she told me not to be doing anything either to which i just grunted a reply. She said she was chatting to her mum about us and everything. She said she just wants to keep it as friends to see if her feelings change, all this crap bout not wanting to be closed in and stuff.

I dont feel the need to but why the **** does she still care? She tell me she wants to be alone, sort things out, im pestering her, i was too controlling bla bla. What is she tryin to do? Is she tryin to drive me insane?

Arggggggggggg, does she want me back or not? I want to either get bk with her, my will of doing that btw is growing smaller every day, but she insist's on being friends till she sorts her head out? What the **** am i supposed to do? I feel as if im just a lap dog to her and its driving me mad. Jesus i wish this crap wud sort itself out. Any thoughts or advice much appreciated folks :

I just read that and I have two words for you:

"Head" & "F*ck",

to be used together in the above order in the same sentence.

It really sounds like she's hedging bets with other blokes and trying to keep you as a fall-back. What gives it away is the "not playing the field" order she gave you.

Beruthiel

Originally posted by Lemming
It really sounds like she's hedging bets with other blokes and trying to keep you as a fall-back. What gives it away is the "not playing the field" order she gave you.

it doesn't just sound like it, that is exactly what she’s doing,
if nobody better turns up sure you are there as a fall back

seriously
forget about her, get on with enjoying your life, tis way too short to be putting up with crap like that!

Sleepy

If what you've given us here is a fair and accurate portrayal of this girl, steer as far away as possible. Tell her you've no intention of getting back with her after this kind of treatment and, even if you don't mean it at the time, you will when you've come to your senses. You need to move on from this girl Get away from her for a decent length of time before you have any contact again. If she's texting you, don't reply. Make it very clear to her that it's over. Invent a new girlfriend if you feel like mind-****ing her back a little

whosurpaddy

yea if you want to give a little back you always say uve met a new girl and sure she(the ex) wouldnt mind if you went for a drinkie with the new one as you two are "just friends" anyway, be funny to see her line change instantly.

Asok

I dont really know what advice I can add as everyones has been brilliant. But all I can say is women are very very funny creatures and this one well i dont want to be offensive is being incredibly selfish she is only thinking of her feelings and not yours if she was she wouldnt be putting you through this.

I know your probably hurting alot right now but things will get better there is a saying "It's better to have a fright with an end rather than have a fright that goes on forever"

LegacyUser

Hey folks, just back up from uni, had a few exams and they went fairly well i think thank god. Well she came up to see me a nite in uni and stayed, she said she was coming up to sort us out and to get us back on track bla bla.

Well she was just so so heartless, anytime i went to hold her or hug her or wotever she just pushed me away and was like omg stop closing me in, we always used to hold hands anywhere we went but she wouldn't have it. So fair enough i thought, give her a bit of time, so we went for a walk that nite and she held my hand and we had a great laugh, sorta felt like the "good old" days. Then we got bk down to my flat and she was on the fone to her friend for 20 minutes talkin bout this fella she went out wit and how much a big head he was etc etc. She's got really really friendly with this girl in her class who she always used to run into the ground to me, and then low and behold my gf got her driving test and now there best friends.

I asked her would she come up to mine this weekend considering im goin away to america next week and she went mad saying why wouldn't i come down to theirs, but i dont want to, cause they've a lota family problems and i feel like a dick sitting in the middle of it, i really feel so stupid there. And she like na i cant, im goin to [Friend]'s house to watch a dvd, i was kinda like emmm ok. Well anyway we slept with each other a couple of times and it felt like it used to and she even said that, that part of our relationship before was amazing and always had been but after it she didnt wanna cuddle or anything like she always used to. ANYWAY, she got the bus home and i asked her to delete this other fella's number outta her fone and she was like no no i needa get cd's off him bla bla that i left in his car.

To be quite honest im totally sick of the whole thing, i think she just wants me as a fall back on, cause i treat her like a princess, then she was on about all the stuff she wants me to bring her bk from america, wtf like. She enjoys the sex with me and i think she's only using me, theres no compassion in her at all for me anymore and i think she doesnt love me anymore. Im more or less over her tbh after the 5 weeks that she put me through. So my plan is, leave for america next week for 2 weeks, when i come back she's just finished her exams and its out birthdays, we were born on the same day. So im gona tell her i feel like **** and its not really working, so ill leave it 2 weeks when im away and see how she is when i come back? And if she wants me and she's changed then ill know she wants me bk but if she's being a bitch then who cares, ill hit prague with boys as planned!

What you think ppl? You've all been brillant btw!

Any opinions much appreciated.

ssh

Put simply, I'd imagine there's a girl out there who is more deserving of the princess treatment. If you're up to it, sink it before you leave. You can have two weeks of relief and recovery or two weeks of stress and worry. I know which one you *should* go for, as difficult as it might seem.

fitz

Sounds like she's growing one way, you're growing another.
Life's taking you in different directions, or to different priorities/expectations.
She's being catty about it tbh, but there's always two sides etc...

See how things are when you get back, but it sounds to me like you may have grown out of each other.
Either that or you haven't communicated honestly with each other, in an upfront way for so long that you can't communicate beyond arguments and sporadic good times.

Relationships are hard, and the odd battles are only natural, but they shouldn't be like an ongoing war tbh...

RossFixxxed

And if she wants me and she's changed then ill know she wants me bk but if she's being a bitch then who cares, ill hit prague with boys as planned!

She's not going to magically change. Been in this position before, you just get messed around. She's stringing her little whipping boy along when she needs to fall back on someone. Any time she gets badly rejected, breaks up etc she'll come crawling back. It's like "Self Esteem" by the Offspring (ah memories). And it'll mess your head up.

Run, run quite fast Dougal. You'll meet someone who treats you like a King (or Queen if that's your sort of thing). Learn from this one, and move on a little wiser. Sometimes you can take something valuable out of something bad like this.

Sorry it's exactly what you don't want to hear. It's exactly what I wish didn't have to be said (as I said, been there, done that, got sold a weird fertility statue by some grubby guy who wouldn't leave me alone).

Get away for those 2 weeks and you'll see things very clearly and differently when you're got emotional and physical distance.

Best of luck dude, stay positive, be confident that you're the better person here, hold your head up and you'll get what and who you deserve.



Ross

Sleepy

Get rid of her as fast as you would a venereal disease. This girl's no good for you and sounds like a selfish twat. End it before you go to the States and make it clear you don't want to see her until September. It's the only way you'll ever be able to be friends with her again (if you even want that).

Lemming

Originally posted by Volume
Hey folks, just back up from uni, had a few exams and they went fairly well i think thank god.

First of all, good luck with the exam results when they come out!

Well she came up to see me a nite in uni and stayed, she said she was coming up to sort us out and to get us back on track bla bla.

Well that was nice of her to ask you what YOU wanted wasn't it? I see she's in the game of valuing your input as much as she values a hole in the head.

Well she was just so so heartless, anytime i went to hold her or hug her or wotever she just pushed me away and was like omg stop closing me in, we always used to hold hands anywhere we went but she wouldn't have it. So fair enough i thought, give her a bit of time, so we went for a walk that nite and she held my hand and we had a great laugh, sorta felt like the "good old" days. Then we got bk down to my flat and she was on the fone to her friend for 20 minutes talkin bout this fella she went out wit and how much a big head he was etc etc. She's got really really friendly with this girl in her class who she always used to run into the ground to me, and then low and behold my gf got her driving test and now there best friends.

TBH, whatever about the rset of my post, you've summed her up in your first words there. "Heartless". And then she's telling you not to go out iwth anyone whilst she sits ther eon the phone to her "mate" bragging about some guy she went out with right in front of you?

I asked her would she come up to mine this weekend considering im goin away to america next week and she went mad saying why wouldn't i come down to theirs, but i dont want to, cause they've a lota family problems and i feel like a dick sitting in the middle of it, i really feel so stupid there. And she like na i cant, im goin to [Friend]'s house to watch a dvd, i was kinda like emmm ok. Well anyway we slept with each other a couple of times and it felt like it used to and she even said that, that part of our relationship before was amazing and always had been but after it she didnt wanna cuddle or anything like she always used to. ANYWAY, she got the bus home and i asked her to delete this other fella's number outta her fone and she was like no no i needa get cd's off him bla bla that i left in his car.

She values you about as much as a hole in the head, as I've said before. Come on, what was it? Some super-rare, meaning-of-life-revealing DVD?? And CDs? She's playing you for a chump volume. I'm sorry to say that, but she is.

To be quite honest im totally sick of the whole thing, i think she just wants me as a fall back on, cause i treat her like a princess, then she was on about all the stuff she wants me to bring her bk from america, wtf like. She enjoys the sex with me and i think she's only using me, theres no compassion in her at all for me anymore and i think she doesnt love me anymore. Im more or less over her tbh after the 5 weeks that she put me through. So my plan is, leave for america next week for 2 weeks, when i come back she's just finished her exams and its out birthdays, we were born on the same day. So im gona tell her i feel like **** and its not really working, so ill leave it 2 weeks when im away and see how she is when i come back? And if she wants me and she's changed then ill know she wants me bk but if she's being a bitch then who cares, ill hit prague with boys as planned!

Ok, you're sick of it all. So what are you going to do about it? She's using you and taking you for a ride at the same time. What are you going to do about it? She's a cold, heartless, hypocritical, two-faced, manipulative little wench, so what are you going to do about it?

Just think of all those US girls that are going to swoon over you as soon as they find out you're irish ......

Tell her what you think of her and then give her a steel-toe cap to the juglar (forget going for the ass) before telling her that you don't want to see her again (or something like that only more polite if you want)

OR

in TypeDef's recommendations, sleep with her better-looking sister/friend/mother, and THEN dump her *


* Needless to say it should be obvious that this bit is an attempt at humour

cheated_on25

Damn.... I know this exact situation too well.... I mean scarily smiilar situation Volume... BTW the posts so far have been brilliant, and I felt like I was reading my life story. haha seriously. I should have known about this place 6 months ago and I would have been much better. So many tears, so much worry.

If you get this girl back Volume, it will not work. Deep down you know this too. It will bemore of the same, a constant power struggle between ye both. Sometimes you need to get back to realise this, but I don't recommened it. It just doe smore damage. There are so many girls out there who will treat you like a king. Unforunetly this is your first love. It's all you know. You don't know if theres better, and are afraid to walk from someone who you shared so many goodtimes with... But... she is the first of many! If people only fell in love once, nobody would have partners. seriously. This girl is not a good match for you, she sounds very immature compared to you. Spoiled almost. I need to watch a dvd. I have CDs in his car etc... Do you have ANY idea how disrespectful that is to say to someone... She is stringing you. Let her go. Cut her loose, seriously. She is using you for CERTAIN. You are putting up with this becasue you love her... But thats just not a good enough reason to take this abuse, and i nthe long run it will damage you bro. seriously.

The ahrdest thing in the world to walk away. Hardest thing. But the minute you make that 'decision' you start healing. 12 weeks with no contact, I guarantee you'll feel different. I was convinced, and I do mean CONVINCED I would not change what I felt. But I did. I realise I was missing the 'companionship' more than the girl. sure how could you possibly be missing her volume, the way shes treating you. you miss the good old times. but they are long gone my friend. you know this. even when you slept together it was not the same, no cuddles etc. your chasing something that is gone. And your also stalling your own progress by not letting go. If you make that 'decision' it will be the healthiest thing you ever did. Bookmark this post and come back in 3 months and tell us how things are. You won't be with this girl. I guarantee it. It ani't gonna work. sooner you get out the better though. you could meet someone tomorrow that rocks your world. but not while you pining for someone else and sulking. You have it all bro. use it.

It's the bravest decision you'll make. you have everyone in this post telling you to cut her loose and telling you it gets better. They are not trying to break your heart, they can see everything thats going on because they are not looking at it with emotion or love, and lots of them have even done this before and no the warning signs... They know from yuor posts that this is totally over. Just the sooner you accept and 'decide' the sooner you can move on.

A B C always be closing....

A I D A Attention, Interest, Decsion, Action
Get her attention, get her interest, tell her your decsion, make your action....

It's for the best. Think rationally and you can see this. You don't need to get over her before you decide to finish it. you need to finish it to get over her. Everyone feels your pain. Me themost bro. This story is so close to my own heart.

It will get better. Thats a certainty!

Typedef

Originally posted by Lemming
[in TypeDef's recommendations, sleep with her better-looking sister/friend/mother, and THEN dump her *


* Needless to say it should be obvious that this bit is an attempt at humour [/B]

Haha of course....

/Gets rid of "their-Sisters" category numbers in FB*-Address book


*Fuck buddy

Typedef

Yeah just reading the posts.

You need to basically not know this chick anymore. You should just blank her, or avail of most/any opportunities not to go out with/see/ride her as they present themselves.

She's probably let her insecurities about you being in University get to her, maybe that's been enough of a reason for her to cheat, maybe not.

In any case she wants to break up, so there's no sense in flogging the dead horse on this one.

Hate her if it helps. Tell her you can't to the whole "emotionless sex" thing[1]. Tell her whatever. I virtually gaurantee you that as soon as you look like you will *actually* break up with her and go your seperate ways, she'll be all over the phone with the "lets do a drink" "can I see u i mis u" texts or crap to that effect. Invariably at a stage like that if you do take her back... within *days* she'd be back to her old self, cold and treating you like shit now that she'd had the validation of being able to get her hands on the forbidden fruit.

Plus, putting you through having to listen to her on the phone talking about another man, when "she knows well" that this will cause you distress is *not* something you have to put up with and it is *not* something you have to be cool about.

Chuck this chick with ignominy. In my experience, any women I know who use and abuse like this end up smoked out, drank out ex-party chicks, who have something against *men* since *men* are bastards[2]. Try not to let yourself get turned into what 'she' wants you to be, ie, a man she can use to fulfill a random hole in her life, if and when she feels like it. I guess what I mean is, dump her, dont' be a doormat.



[1] No laughing !!
[2] Cold, calculating, manipulative... mostly just selfish and impulsive, isn't that right Ms Kettle?

whosurpaddy

Originally posted by cheated_on25
A B C always be closing....

A I D A Attention, Interest, Decsion, Action
Get her attention, get her interest, tell her your decsion, make your action....

thats freaky. i just bought glengarry glenross the day before yesterday.

Originally posted by Typedef
I virtually gaurantee you that as soon as you look like you will *actually* break up with her and go your seperate ways, she'll be all over the phone with the "lets do a drink" "can I see u i mis u" texts or crap to that effect. Invariably at a stage like that if you do take her back... within *days* she'd be back to her old self, cold and treating you like shit now that she'd had the validation of being able to get her hands on the forbidden fruit.

this is pretty much gospel. its so about having a fallback in her case. if she looses that crutch she'll want it back more than anything.

look man its all been said to you. the posts after your last one say it all, now make your decision. i think you should tell her to f off before you go to america. if you do she will either email/phone/text you while your away trying to get back with you/ be friends. guaranteed.

the thing with talking to her friend about another guy in front of you was so callous, and i mean ffs she puts watching a dvd ahead of seeing you before you go away.

just because she wants to "get things back on track" or "sort things out" dosent mean you have to jump for her. i really think you should give her some of her own medicine and sleep with her and tell her to f off straight after. would serve her right.

Zulu

Make sure and hammer home the point that your dumping her because she is too fat.
It doesn't matter if she's as thin as a stick - point out flabby under arms or something, but hammer that point home. She deserves nothing better.

RossFixxxed

Remind me not to get on Zulu's bad side, he'll get Eric Cartman on my ass!

I've always prefered being totally aloof at the whole thing, don't let her see it's bothered you at all, and just slip something in to annoy/upset her if you wish. Let it eat away at them. Be totally matter of fact. But that's just me.

Everything ok Zulu, Sir? Top up your drink?

LegacyUser

Hello there people! The end is almost in sight! One more exam tomorrow and thats me! A lot of stuff has happened between us since so i'll fill you in.

Dont ask me how but i decided i should give it one last shot the weekend before i went away just so i dont feel any guilt. So i rang her up saying that i was gona come down and see her but low and behold she was on her way to her friends. And she couldnt ditch it because she was her best friend and had promised her all week she'd come up to hers on saturday nite! This btw is the friend that 2 months ago she used to hate and told me all about on the fone for hourssssss.

Anyway she said that i should come and i couldnt meet her cuz her and her friends were going for a few drinks and that'd we'd go home early and have a nice evening bla bla. Well i knew this was all a pile of lies and she had planned to go out on the rip and when i met her at 10:00pm she was already well lit, with her "best" friend. Anyways, as you can imagine, it turned into a nite out, with us returning back to her house about 3am so it was a lovely evening, with me standing there sober looking at her totally drunk. She didnt even sit beside me hardly because she didnt want her friend to feel "lonely", lovely eh.

Well at the start of the nite she gave me her fone because she was so bollixed she'd prolly loss it and its a good fone. I was in the toilets wondering wot im doing here and i decided to look through her fone. Anyway, i found the fone number of the lad she'd went out, which she deleted in front of me that time she came up n see me in uni. Plus a message sent during the week talking about goin out properly which proves this whole thing about going out for a few drinks with her friend was a pile of crap.

So i challeneged her about this and she went nuts saying that she hadnt finished with him and wanted her cd's back so i went fecking nuts and started rowing my head off at her about how that is such a ****ing disrespectful thing to say and how hurtful it was bla bla. She said she was sorry and hugged me and deleted the number, apparently for good this time. Soooooo we got home and as predicted she collapsed into bed and i was left sitting there, i was sober cause i was driving.

Next day when eventually she'd woken up at bout 12am she had a big long face on her and i was so pissed off cuz id wanted to do so much stuff with her that day because i hada be home that evening cuz dad needed his car back. Anyway, we went for a lovely walk and sat bout n cuddling n slept with each other and she told me she loved me again, looked me right in the eye, seemed kinda believable.

Anyway, i was bk home, yesterday nite, revising for my exams i remembered that our faculty was having a big bbq and nite out for the whole year so i told her bout it on the fone last nite and she basically went nuts. About how inconsiderate i was doing this to her and all before her exams, i said if ud done some work instead of drinking like a madwoman u maybe wouldnt be so screwed now. Anyway she said i was so selfish putting this on her, and all this crap bout how much damage this would do to our fragile relationship and how this had ruined how good she was feeling about me again. I went mad cause i had bought my ticket for it and promised all my friends id go and it was gona be a great nites craic. She hasnt chatted to me 2day at all, surprise surprise. She said that if i did she was gona go mental on me when i was away bla bla. She laid the total guilt trip on me about leaving her during her exams, whenever it was booked when she was sleeping with some other guy.

So last nite we had another big argument before i went to bed, during which i started sayin how hateful and selfish she was being. I cant really remember what was said but the things that i remember most clearly were her saying that "she was just giving us another chance, she didnt run after me" which was pretty hurftul.

I think im just gona tell her to f off and go and enjoy my holiday and see how i feel when i come home? Cause tbh im more or less over her after them 5 weeks she left me, so anything that happens now would be just rebuilding work, if you get what i mean.

Any ideas or thoughts or nething, thanks a million, ure a great help ppl!

whosurpaddy

volume i think its all been said already, if ya dont wanna follow the advise given already, fair enough but saying it again wont make a differance. i feel for ya man, but your the only one who can do something about it.