cheating girlfriend

LegacyUser

i have a nasty issue i need resolving. I have been in a relationship now for two years, for a period we have been apart, talking all the time and getting on great. We decided to live together again like we used to when she comes back from abroad. Lately she has been very affectionate. In the last week she told me that she has had sex with a guy once off, sober and brief. Sex is not an issue for her, she doesnt consider it very sacred. I do not consider it sacred but regardless i felt that we should be faithful if we are having a serious relationship she knew how i felt about that. She has been calling with very tearful apologies asking me not to leave her and seems genuinly honest. I have not broke up with her neither have i forgot/forgave. I we will be seeing each other soon because we had booked flight to see each other. I love her very much but cant understand why she did that and if i can ever get over it or if she will do it again. She says she doesnt know why it happened. Any thought, am i a fool for wanting her back and forgiving her

malico

By all means take her back. I mean you can have one of those modern relationships where the man and the woman don't love each other....

Seriously if you let her away with it, you're setting a precident. She will offend again. And then you'll be expected to forgive her, again.... You see where its going.

My opinion, she made her bed, she may lie in it. Bam!

uberwolf

if you were on a break...


otherwise if you hadn't explicitly agreed to sex being kosher, then it wasn't and there is no way you should take her back. AT ALL. no more worries.

Ph3n0m

My €0.02


This situation has happened to me before.

Was in, what I thought, was a loving relationship - the gf went off and slept with someone else - came back and after a week of begging, I made the mistake of forgiving her and taking her back. Fast Forward 4 months later, she did it again.

Remember once bitten, twice shy - dont be a fool and put your dignity down the toilet .

Without sounding too harsh, you remind me of myself when it happened to me, and being honest I wouldnt want to wish that on anyone. And if it happens again, more fool you - I learnt the hardway, dont put yourself in that position, as it will hurt, and hurt for a long time.

Johnny Versace

I know how you feel. An ex cheated on me before, and yes, it's horrible.

Looking back on it now, I should have dumped her at the time. So that is my advice for you. But ultimately, only you know if you want to be with this girl, and more importantly, if you can trust her again. If you can't, break up.

Typedef

Depends.

Forgive maybe. Get your own back. Do the whole house frau thing and look the other way.

It's totally your call, none of us are you, only you know what feels right.

Forgive/Forget, Ditch her, fuk her best friend in retribution.

At a base case though, when two people are serious about each other, they don't fuk other people.

That said, maybe you didn't show her affection or give her space or whatever random reason you might come up with and it drove her to sleeping with another person.

It's all pretty complex.

Do what your instincts tell you to do, as opposed to what the little voices in the head tell you to do.

Beruthiel

I have strong opinions on this one.
First off, only you can tell if you wish to live with this or not, if you can, by all means give it a go, but just remember, leopards don’t change their spots. Ok, I suppose you could fall off the wagon (so to speak) once… I maybe a bit harsh, I donno.
Me, I am of the opinion if you truly care for someone, and you know they can’t live with this type of behaviour, then you just don’t do it. If it were done to me, he’d be kicked out, end of story. I have no time for it, there would be no point for me to continue the relationship because I would never be able to forget it. But that’s just me.
What do you want, and what can you live with?

Villain

I'd say move on unless:

You are completely in love with her, and apart from this issue would trust her 100%.

Ph3n0m

toshington you have to ask your some personal questions before making a decision

1. can you relaly forgive, and not throw it back in her face ever time you have a fight (which is what she will expect, should you say you forgive her)

2. that you wont want to retaliate in kind, making you just as bad as her in this incidence, leading to another future dillema

3. can you really sleep at night knowing that "it happened once, it could happen again - what will i do then"

4. are you really in love with this girl, and can you work through this problem

5. trust, trust and Trust - this is one thing that is the hardest to replace in any relationship

Typedef

I suppose I'm just defending mine own positions in reterospect.


Once or twice... well ok.. a few times I was with other women then my squeeze whatever. That said, such infedelity was now that I think of it without exception, when a relationship was basically over for whatever reasons, usually complex reasons, and the infedility was err a means of finding somebody else.

Yeah, generally if one or the other feels the need to sleep with somebody else, it's because they regard the relationship as over and are probably just going through the motions.

So, the chick in question was probably looking to replace you, but, it didn't work, then through either stupidity or guilt, spilled her guts to you.

I'd take the infedility thing as a sign that while things may not be final, they're certainly in trouble and you'd be forgiven for looking around yourself.

Moreover, this chick doesn't sound like she wants to be with you exclusively or isn't in the whole monogamy thing... which would lead me to say that fundamentally the two of you want different things out of the relationship.

Again, things can evolve/move on, or not, it's really a thing between you and her.

Emboss

Monogamy, forced on people by a blind culture.
she has the blood of a Polyamorist in my expirience this rarley changes.

move on I say or jump on the bandwagon.

LegacyUser

i swear that if i had give someone advise here id probably advise them to move on. But its so different when you are in love with her and she declares love for you. I know her better than ive known anyone ever before, my best friend and i was there when she was diagnosed with a long term but managable illness. All im saying its so much to just throw away. I could say that she already threw it away by doing that but she is pleading again. I know her family well she knows mine, talk of marraige and now this, i know that if she didnt want me she like i could end it without the hardship of living in the same country and move on. Instead she wants me to take her back... i think ill know more in time

malico

"And here's the pitch, he swings, he bats.... its good, its good it's outta there"

That ball is her consideration for your feelings, her respect for you and her love for you. Its over the wall, it's smashed a car window in the parkign lot and she's running a home run, expecting you to be cheeringyou on the whole way.



Damn I love baseball analgys (sp)!

Beruthiel

Originally posted by toshington
All im saying its so much to just throw away. I could say that she already threw it away by doing that but she is pleading again. I know her family well she knows mine, talk of marraige and now this, i know that if she didnt want me she like i could end it without the hardship of living in the same country and move on. Instead she wants me to take her back... i think ill know more in time

you don’t look like you’re thinking clearly,
so what if families are involved, marriage talked about. This is your life and no other outside influences should rule the way you think when it comes to deciding your own happiness
I know how easy it is to give advice to everyone else but yourself.
If you were giving this advice to a friend, what would it be? I believe that sometimes it is very hard to take your own advice, it’s a hard pill to swallow.
Try to look at your own personality and ask if you can live with this, do now allow outside factors to influence your thoughts on that one.

Red Alert

What sort of break do you mean? And how serious did you and she think it was before she went away. I'd just leave her if that happenned me, but did you guys have any sort of understanding before she went away?

malico

This is your life and no other outside influences should rule the way you think when it comes to deciding your own happiness

Except the good people on Boards.ie of course!!

Emboss

Originally posted by toshington
i swear that if i had give someone advise here id probably advise them to move on. But its so different when you are in love with her and she declares love for you. I know her better than ive known anyone ever before, my best friend and i was there when she was diagnosed with a long term but managable illness. All im saying its so much to just throw away. I could say that she already threw it away by doing that but she is pleading again. I know her family well she knows mine, talk of marraige and now this, i know that if she didnt want me she like i could end it without the hardship of living in the same country and move on. Instead she wants me to take her back... i think ill know more in time

You don't have to throw away your love it's not something you can switch on and off, but don't let love misguide you into staying in a relationship that you don't feel 100% comfortable with, which you obviously don't hence your post.

because she's not your girlfriend doesn't mean you can't love her, and be a part of her life and continue to have some form of relationship you can enjoy the closeness and emotional side of someone without f*cking them.

but again no one here can make this choice for you it's too easy for us to say move on

do what you think is the right thing to do and only you can decide that.

personally i'd question her needs, what are her needs in this relationship, are you able to meet them?

why did she go outside of the relationship to try and get those needs filled?

i don't know a man a live that can be _everything_ a woman wants, it's impossible so is she happy enough with what you can give?

blah blah blah

uberwolf

Originally posted by toshington
All im saying its so much to just throw away. I could say that she already threw it away by doing that but she is pleading again.

she threw it away not you. its over, the second she lay down in a bed with another bloke and he entered her. She did that, sober(which IMO makes sod all diff)

Originally posted by toshington

I know her family well she knows mine, talk of marraige and now this, i know that if she didnt want me she like i could end it without the hardship of living in the same country and move on. Instead she wants me to take her back

Doesn't matter a fvck. want a ring on your finger and a kid in the pram next time she does it, not even sure if the kids yours. She's made her bed, and you weren't in it.

malico

She's made her bed, and you weren't in it.

Ohhh. Bitchy!! I LIKE that.

/me enters that quote into his long term memory for use at another time.

Zulu

Originally posted by toshington
I know her family well she knows mine, talk of marraige and now this, i know that if she didnt want me she like i could end it without the hardship of living in the same country and move on. Instead she wants me to take her back... i think ill know more in time

So you wanna marry the girl who shaggs the best man?
My 2 cents:
She strayed - for whatever reason - one being that the other guy did somthing for her. Now she wants mister reliable back.
How could you ever trust her again?
1) Take for example 3 more years down the line. She wants to go on a girlie night out. You've had a row the day previous. You know shes gonna get drunk and...........

2) She's going to the office party. You weren't invited, but you know that sleezy git from accounts will be there, and she's been going on and on about him..............

Point is, there will always be a time in the future when things are bad. When that time comes, will she do it again? Will you believe her if she dosen't?

Beruthiel

Originally posted by malico
Ohhh. Bitchy!! I LIKE that.

/me enters that quote into his long term memory for use at another time.

malico
please keep to the topic
thanks
B

dod

If you chose to stay with her, then how would you deal with it if a similar situation were to arise again?

Sleepy

2c.

Make the most of her guilt while making your mind up about her or not. Let her try to "persuade" you to stay going out with her. This could be your best chance to experience a 3some!

Seriously though, I'd have to end the relationship. Like Raymond in Bachelor's Walk, I'd have to know every sordid bloody detail of what happened with the other guy, why she did it, was there any emotion there, was he better than me etc. etc. etc. I couldn't live like that. it'd drive me feckin mad.

At the very least, you both need a break from each other. See how you feel on your own (or even with someone else). It can put things in perspective. By a break I mean a minimum of 2/3 months apart with no contact. None. No texts. No phonecalls. No emails. Nothing. It's the only way you'll be sure if she's worth it.

Sleepy

Originally posted by toshington
She says she doesnt know why it happened.

Just noticed this. Believe that line at your peril. If she can't even be honest with you about why she slept with him what can you expect from a future with her?

Zulu

If you had done the dirt - what would she have done? take you back with open arms????

Gurgle

Dump her

from a height

onto a pointy stick

then get very drunk & bring home anything that will have you

Typedef

Malico, Zulu and Emboss are right, Zulu just put it very well.

Basically you can't trust her and after something like that you never can trust her again.

So again the idea of the girl you are in love with isn't born out by the reality of the girl who sleeps with other men and then turns on the water works and expect forgiveness.


Yuh, you'd never be able to get rid of the nagging doubt that some girls night out had led to her giving some random muppet named bezz a quck blow job in the toilets.

It's kind of sad, because, I reckon 90% of people fundamentally want to give themselves away to relationships and feel loved and all that crap, but, rarely if ever can, because, such enamourment is almost always one sided and either you're the one madly in love, getting hurt by the other, or you're the one doing the hurting.

Yeah so umm conclusion.

Chuck her, you'll never be able to trust her.

Typedef

Originally posted by Sleepy
Seriously though, I'd have to end the relationship. Like Raymond in Bachelor's Walk, I'd have to know every sordid bloody detail of what happened with the other guy, why she did it, was there any emotion there, was he better than me etc. etc. etc. I couldn't live like that. it'd drive me feckin mad.

At the very least, you both need a break from each other.

And just remember while the two of you are on this 'break' she'll consider herself perfectly entitled to sleep with other blokes and most likely will.

froggie_1

i think u need to remember that she told you....thats very important. if this was a thing that was gonna repeat itself, my guess is that she would have never told you and try to forget about it. the fact that she told you means she respects you enough not to hide things from you and she feels terrible about it. i really think these things can happen and they can really mean nothing. some people think they can never mean nothing, but i think they can. when was the last time you saw her? i really dont think that u can say that her actions show that she doesnt love u. i wouldnt let her get away with it completely though. a trial seperation is a great idea.

some people dont realise how good they have it until its taken away from them.
those that can appreciate what they have when they have it are lucky....and rare

Boston

Hold on did she screw around before or after you decided to get back together.

Typedef

Yeah.

Just for clarification.

If she screwed someone else while you two were on a break 'she' insisted on and now she wants you back, I'd tell her to get a life, get a grip and get someone else to be her personal punchbag.

If she screwed someone else while you two were on a break 'you' wanted to take primarily, then it's your own fault for being stupid.

If she screwed someone else while you two were on a break and the break was mutual then you have little to say.

If in the case above the break was 'called' mutual, but actually her doing, case 1 applies, if it was called mutual but was actually your doing case 2 applies.

If you two were together when she slept with another man and it wasn't for example because you beat the shit out of her and threw her stuff out of the house, then she's to blame and you'd be selling yourself short to go back with her.

In conclusion.

Four legs good, two legs bad.

patch

Typie is making sense there.
What were the reasons for your break/up?

Also, you say it ain't so bad she shagged around seen as she doesn't take sex all that seriously? -so, she 'just did it'? That's worse I reckon.

Unless you left out something important, it seems she's one of them bad eggs we've all had. HAD being the operative word.

WhiteWashMan

people can make mistakes.

people can also get very lonely when they are away from the person they love.

talk to her first in person when you see her, and try to understand her side of the story. you sound as if you want to be persuaded to stay with her, not split from her. if thats how you feel, then you should go with your heart.

of course, if it does happen again (who knows you may be apart from a long time at some stage again?) then you really will know, wont you?

aine

if I was in your situation I would find it very difficult to forgive and forget, I mean if I was good friends with the person as well as being involved the I would probably forgive him insofar as to save some semblence of a friendship but as for the relationship that would be over without a doubt!

passive

its pretty clear that the majority here agree that "cheat = dumped" so if you were looking for advice in a democratic way theres your answer.

i've never been cheated on to the extent of sleeping with someone else, but even with a kiss at a younger age it feels like ****. you can take them back and think you've forgiven but it will change how you feel about them and what you expect of them. you'll be more paranoid, suspiscous of their motives and generally view them in a completely different light..

and yes, you will bring it up in some/all future arguments...but i'd consider that to be an upside to taking her back

Zulu

Originally posted by froggie_1
i think u need to remember that she told you....thats very important. if this was a thing that was gonna repeat itself, my guess is that she would have never told you and try to forget about it. the fact that she told you means she respects you enough not to hide things from you and she feels terrible about it. i really think these things can happen and they can really mean nothing. some people think they can never mean nothing, but i think they can. when was the last time you saw her? i really dont think that u can say that her actions show that she doesnt love u. i wouldnt let her get away with it completely though. a trial seperation is a great idea.

some people dont realise how good they have it until its taken away from them.
those that can appreciate what they have when they have it are lucky....and rare

yea sure :rolleyes:
You could have been getting close.
The guy she shagged might have said he was going to say somthing. Who knows.
What you do know is that she did it.

Zulu

Originally posted by froggie_1
i wouldnt let her get away with it completely though.

Thats rubbish. If you're in for a penny, you're in for a pound. None of this "wouldnt let her get away with it completely" crap. :rolleyes:
How do you define that? And what the point in forgiving her to hold it over her head - thats not forgivness, and certinally not how to conduct a relationship.

You either dump her, or forgive her.
One or the other.

Doodee

Sex is not an issue for her, she doesnt consider it very sacred.

If she doesn't consider it sacred then where does she stand with relationships?
Majority of people today take sex as the cementing block of a relationship.
It's an intimate Act.
Theres a difference between Thinking and acting on impulses.
Its a bit like driving, if you brake the law in any way (i.e Speeding) your not gonna stop doing it cause you didn't get caught.

you also say you know her so well. That is going to effect your decision as you see her as the person you have fallen in love with. You know how pure she can be at times. However, its clear that you dont truely know her.
Its really down to how forgiving you are. Im too uptight and couldn't really forgive in that situation, as was mentioned, its a bit like the Ex Boyfriends, Once you hear about it and then start to dwell on it you begin to ask questions which will tear you up inside for a need to know, and even when you do get the answers you are asking you probably wont believe them, as she has betrayed you in the past, whats stopping her from sugar coating to save the future?

Basically, If your ok to go on and not become over possesive on nights out or resorting to being worried about what she's doing then by all means go and do what makes you happy and get back with her.
But if you think your not capable, that you will suffer from this, and wont be able to trust her 99% then dont suffer the heart ache for the sake of history together. It is pretty much that history that she foresake when she did do the dirt. Actively sleeping with someone else. And telling you about it doesn't sound like the mind of someone who doesn't consider sex all that important.

Have a think about how you are going to feel. Just remember to take in all teh pro's and con's.

Red Alert

She could just have been incredibly lonely without you. This can play strange tricks with people's judgement. Both men and women have physical needs as well as psycological ones.

Typedef

Bosh.

Just sleep with her sister.... if she forgives you after ... you'll be even!

Zulu

Originally posted by Red Alert
She could just have been incredibly lonely without you. This can play strange tricks with people's judgement. Both men and women have physical needs as well as psycological ones.

Lonely?!? - ring him, or get a dog.
Physical needs can be controled, if the person is willing, or she could masterbate if for some reason she was driven sex-mad.
Psycological needs, ...well whatever about hers - the point is, she didn't regard his - or else did, and felt she was more important (which isn't love, it's just selfish).

Nope, the more I think about it - dump her - or score her sister, one or the other.

Sleepy

Lonely doesn't work. Sure all she had to do was buy a vibrator and learn the joys of phone sex.

Typedef

Has to be said Sleepy.... you seem to speak with authority...

Care to share your wisdom on that particular topic?

Sleepy

I might speak okay on the topic but it ain't suited to this forum and I don't want Beruthiel laying the smackdown on me

Lainey

i think once someone has cheated in the relationship then the trust will never be regained.. i have been the cheated and the cheater at some stage and i think the only thing to do when you feel like cheating is move on.. and if you have been cheated on to def move on, hard as it is..

tman

Cherokee nose job tbh...

Lainey

Originally posted by tman
Cherokee nose job tbh...

silverside

you don't want to know what that means

Beruthiel

keep it on topic ladies
B

Lainey

Originally posted by silverside
you don't want to know what that means

eh ok.. i'm showing my innocence here

the cat

Once a cheater always a cheater.