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30-01-2004 12:47am#1Hi,
I need some help and any advice would be greatly appreciated
I'm a 21 year old guy, I've been with guys and girls. I don't consider myself gay or straight -- I just like who I like and am happy with that. I don't feel the need to force it down peoples throats either, but most of my friends probably have some idea or suspicion I'm not 100% straight, saying "they" where I could have said "her" or "she" that kinda thing
My problem is that lately one of my male friends has been getting a little uhm...close to me. He's 21 too and I've known him for years. We've always been friends, just hanging around in the same group.
He's straight (as far as I can tell), has a girlfriend who I got to know through him and get on really well with -- to the point I'd consider her a good friend.
Lately he's been giving me some odd signs though. It started late last year I guess. We were at a party and he'd had a few drinks, he came over to me, I was sitting in a chair talking to someone, and he sat down in my lap. I didn't think much of it at the time, I thought he was just messing around -- at the most taking the piss in a subtle way about my semi-gayness
I put my hands in his lap and continued my conversation. He sat there for about 20 mins despite the occaisional odd looks from people, including his girlfriend.
I didn't think much of it at the time, but it all started from there. Little things at first, like putting his arm on top of mine in the cinema -- well it's hard to get comfy in those seats sometimes
It seems to be building up though and I'm not sure to what. One Saturday night a few weeks ago he was saying goodbye to his girlfriend after a night of beers and kissed her goodnight, I laughed and said something like "hey, how come I don't get one of those" and he turned to me, was about 2 inches from my face and looking into my eyes. I'm not sure how long he stayed there but it was probably longer than he should have, so I put my palm over his mouth and kissed the back of my hand, then laughed.
It happened again another night, except I didn't even say anything then, but I still used the same joke (pfft, originality is dead).
3 weekends ago his parents were away and a few of us were out in his house for a few beers. I'm very ticklish and he enjoys taking advantage of this. That night he tickled my toes (I was sitting on the floor wearing socks (and other clothes, before corrupted imaginations take over)) and got the expected result, but then he stopped and started rubbing my feet gently -- it was really nice, he stopped after about 30-40 seconds.
That night he went to bed with his girlfriend and I'd guess did boy-girl things to her I had a room to myself with a nice big comfy bed.
The next morning I was woken up by someone climbing onto my bed. He was there on his own, fully dressed, he lay on top of me with his head held above mine. He smiled at me and I smiled back, turned away and fell back to sleep with him still lying on top of me. The next time I woke up his girlfriend was in the room and he was getting off my bed.
There have been other times, he's rubbed my tummy for a few seconds or put his head on my shoulder. It's got me confused though, some people are just touchy-feely people, although he doesn't do anything like this with any of our other friends.
When I'm thinking clearly I know to do anything with him would be a mistake. There's a good chance it could ruin our friendship and I really like his girlfriend and wouldn't want to hurt her. He is very cute though. Very, very cute. And while I may always think clearly, sometimes other bits of me do take control.
Do you think he's just being playful ? I have no idea how he'd react if I said anything about this to him, I don't think confrontation would work very well.
If he tried anything, even if he broke up with his girl first, it's just one big bad idea right ?
Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. Boys eh!0
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In a word, no. The question is what message is he trying to send out? Maybe he just likes a little intimate contact with a friend of his and wouldn't think of going any furthur, or maybe he would genuinely fancy jumping in the sack with you. Based on what you've said, I would suspect the latter. Frankly, if a guy started doing with me what he's being doing with you I would definitely think that he at least has some attraction for me.Do you think he's just being playful?
However, the main issue is the girlfriend. She would have to be pretty clueless not to see some of what's going on. Maybe she's open minded about sexuality, but this guy is still her boyfriend and she has a right to expect him to remain faithful to her while they are together. Since you know her very well, you might have some insight into what she thinks of this whole situation.
You should also ask your friend what he means by his behaviour towards you. You don't have to be confrontational about it - simply say that you've noticed the change and you wonder what the motive was behind it.
Well if he did break up with his girlfriend for whatever reason, if you like him you should at least find out whether he likes you or not. It might suck for her, but she can't have a monopoly on him after breaking up with him. If anything did happen in that circumstance and you know she would disapprove if he did pursue you, would you rather remain friends with her, or try something with him?If he tried anything, even if he broke up with his girl first, it's just one big bad idea right ? 0 -
[devils advocate]I'm going to disagree with Swiss and say that perhaps you are reading too much into it. Maybe he just is being playful, and is comfortable with you and your sexuality and doesn't want to take it further. He may not even realise that he's crossing boundries. In this kind of situation (and I've been in it) it's easy to read into things and assign them meanings that they don't actually have [/devils advocate]
However, either way, I do agree with swiss when he says that you could ask him about it 0 -
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And i'm going to disagree with Buffybot
First off I think whats going on is sweet.
I would be concerned with the girlfriend situation but I'll deal with that in a minute.
If I was you, I'd definitely go with my feelings and encourage whats going on and definitely see where it leads. If someone was that affectionate with me, I would reciprocate if I liked him.
Definitely ask him what the story is, starting off with the "hey i like you and if you want to {start something } yes I'm interested" speech.
Be 100% open as that usually encourages the other person to be open back, especially if you are close.
You may have a one in a million chance here and it would be a shame i think to let it go.
The very fact that your friend is behaving in this way towards you makes it natural that you should ask so I wouldnt be worried about the consequences.
Regarding the girlfriend, you can discuss that once you know the story between yourself and yer man.
It's no different really than when a boy takes someone elses girlfriend.
Your friend will make a choice and hopefully, if it's what you want that choice will be you.
People break up and form new relationships all the time so don't be worried about his gf's reaction if ye do get together, it's just fate,after all he was your friend first.
Hope that helps-do post back with an update though, it would be nice to know 0 -
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Nah! I doubt it in this case, if ardam is interested, then go for it and see what happens.Originally posted by ridgewalker
The 100% openness/speech approach could backfire royally leaving you minus one very good friend.
Faint heart never won fair... and all that.
Good luck ardam, have fun and don't forget to let us know how u get on 0 -
Awwww. It sounds really sweet. It mightn't mean anything, but on the other hand... just go with your instinct. If there's a Moment that might lead to something more, and you think taking it further would be the right thing to do, then go for it.
Alcohol will of course help, and can be a wonderful scapegoat if needs be.
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Thanks for all the advice!
BuffyBot covered the reason I posted in the first place. I can't tell if the guy likes me or is just really comfortable around me. Whenever I try to convince myself either way I can always think of two or three things to contradict that.
I like the guy, he's attractive and though I'd never thought about doing anything with him before it is an appealing idea. But that makes any opinion I have biased from the start
In this case, knowing the guy, I don't think the 100% openness approach is the right one to take. It could backfire in a very bad way. There've been times before where it's worked very well for me, but given what I stand to lose I don't think it'd be a good idea. Don't get me wrong, I don't think he'd stop liking me just that he may feel awkward around me.
I guess what's confusing me is that while anything he does isn't specifically gay, he doesn't do it with any of our other friends -- male or female. Perhaps he feels more at ease around me, I'd consider myself pretty laid back (bordering on downright lazy) and I'm certainly not very threatening
I don't drink very much and it's been months since I was drunk enough to use the "I had no idea what I was doing" excuse. So the alcohol approach mightn't work so well ... but I can always try
Soooooooooooooooooooooo, I think I'll play it safe. Enjoy the affection, enjoy the attention and enjoy the friendship (hmm, maybe a career as a romantic "comedy" script-writer would suit me better).
Maybe Next time we're saying goodbye after a few pints on a Saturday night I might ask for a hug. If it gets tense and uncomfortable I can always laugh it off as a joke, otherwise ... who knows.
Either way, I'll keep you updated. Thanks for all the advice. I think I've made the right decision.0 -
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I've always ****** with the head of one of my gay mates, not for any good reason but its kind of just the dynamic of our relationship and we both know its a mess even though he's admitted fancying the pants off me. I guess if it were a boy girl thing it would wreck my head so its poss unfair. But nothing like you've described and my Gf has chided me for it at times.
*there really was no good word to use there
Its really hard to tell in cases where sexuality is up for debate cos there really is no way of telling (in my limited experience) and it adds hugley to the variables to figure out. Good luck0 -
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From what I understand, a prick tease is someone who intentionally tries to arouse guys, but who would shirk from actually having intimate relations with them. Girls are often accused of being prick teases. It's not a particularly nice term though - try to avoid using itOriginally posted by memphis:
As for the prick-teaser thingy, can someone elaborate on that please??.
I don't think a straight guy would intentionally be a 'prick tease' but it could be that this guy is just being playful and doesn't realise that his attentions can be misconstrued. However, I don't especially think that this is the case in this particular instance.0 -
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I'm straight, So I'm going to reply in hopefully an unoffensive manner to ye lot.
If another male did that sh*t to me, I'd box him. Just a playful punch, not a Muhammad-Ali-knockout-punch.
There are 4 things;
A) He's taking the serious piss out of your lifestyle.
Wot Caliden said above.
C) If he's in the 16 to 22 age bracket, he may just be curious. Seeing how you'd react, etc.
D) He's intrested, but doesn't want to be the one to say so.
Best advice; Next time he "comes onto you", and your in a comfortable setting, eg; @ home, etc, not in niteclub, ask him "do you wanna get kinky", in a half serious, half playful voice.
If he jumps up***, and backs to the other side of the room, take the piss out of him, and explain how his "actions" looked like.
If he responds, well, in a gay fashion, talk to him, and see wots up. He may be "C)", or he may have feelings for you.
***=As a straight guy, this is pretty much wot I'd do. I'd be like "WTF?", etc. He may not see wot he does as sexual, as he may do it to the GF so much, and also you've never said no, so he may think its normal.
Note; I ain't a shrink, so don't take my word as the gospel truth.0 -
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Hi all,
I'd like to say I'm amazed at the amount of responses there have been and I'd like to sincerely thank you all for your help & advice thanks for the sweetheart comment too, you golden tounged charmer
In my last post I said that I'd decided to do nothing about it. That's still kinda true. It's unlikely I'll do anything with him, ever. That doesn't sound like a happy ending I know -- but it probably is in the long run. We share the same friends, any relationship would be problematic to say the least.
Now this becomes purely a scientific matter. To answer some questions in no particular order:
He is affectionate with his girlfriend -- but not when I'm around.
He may not understand or appreciate social boundaries but, as I've said, he doesn't do anything like this with any of our other friends. For example: we were out on Saturday night and the pub was quite noisy, talking to anyone else he would just shout loudly beside them, talking to me his tongue brushed against my ear a couple of times.
I fully accept that this may be for 100 other reasons than he's attracted to me (more comfortable around me/thinks I'm deaf/etc) but I'd still like to know why
He may not realise I'm gay/bi/random, I think most of my friends would have some idea though but some probably think I'm completely straight. I'd assume him being closer, smarter and more observant he'd have an idea.... but maybe not to the full extent.
The "want to get kinky ?" approach may just work and I'm very tempted to try it should a suitable opportunity arise. Purely for research purposes you understand. Ahem.
Honestly though, I'd like to have a proper relationship and do coupley things than have another one night stand (no matter how much fun that might be). So I think I'll label him as "Just a Friend" and leave it at that.
Isn't it fun to be single... but that's a whole other thread.
Thanks guys 0 -
Originally posted by azezil
AHAHAHA oh heeellllll no, sorry but there's no way IN HELL a straight guy could be a cock tease And we can't dance or dress properly either.
The whole affair sounds very sweet. Why not just continue to flirt, without forcing anything? Is it disturbing to not know what exactly is going on?0 -
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Hiya,
It's been a while since I've posted but thats kinda cos not much has happened... sortof
I made some new friends in a new job and ended up not seeing the other guy very much. Easily went a month without seeing him, just hanging around with different groups of people basically.
Last weekend was his birthday and he invited me round to his place where everyone was having a few drinkies. I kinda got delayed so I wasnt able to turn up until everyone was already pretty drunk. He'd drank quite a bit (you only turn 22 once, but who needs an excuse for vodka).
Everything was fine, talked to him a bit but he was quite hammered and I was totally sober. Everything seemed fine and he didn't "try" anything. I was a bit releived to be honest. Made things easier
So the time came to go into town. The only other sober person there was driving and we all squashed into his car. I was sitting in the back and the birthday boy opened the door beside me. There wasn't much space but he could've fit beside me. Instead he chose my lap... Fair enough I thought, he's hammered. Then he put my hands in his lap ....he's pretty fit ("cute fit" is more accurate, but doesn't sound right)... so I didn't mind.
Everyone was squished in and the driver didn't mind the odd situation in the back. Then he kinda leaned back and put one arm around me, sorta around my neck. Its quite hard to demonstrate without hand gestures. No problem I thought, he's just getting comfy, I'm not exactly padded, certainly not for comfort.
Then with his arm around me he started stroking my face. Just touching my cheek gently at first, then more of a caress, running all the way down my face, down my neck. At this stage my mind was not well focused and the drinks I'd had before we left were starting to kick in. I was getting a little ......excited...... and I'm pretty sure he could feel it too
When he ran his finger along my bottom lip and then gently pushed it in my mouth I sorta woke up. I was in a car full of very straight guys, with a very straight guy on my lap, who has a girlfriend and just ...happened.. to have his finger in my mouth. The guy beside us said something but I think he was too drunk to care anyway. I chickened out. I pretended to bite his finger and shook my head in what I hoped was a cute "not now, ....maybe later" way
He took his arm back from behind my head. Sat forward a bit and held the headrest of the passengers seat. He didn't say anything, so I kept my hands in his lap. They were resting lightly on his thighs. He shuffled a bit and my hand sorta fell off him, I left it just down by my side incase this was a backoff sign or something. The very last thing I'd want is to make him uncomfortable. A few seconds later his hand was resting gently on top of mine.
I was so glad he wasnt uncomfortable with me I wrapped my arms around his tummy and gave him a big squeeze. Then put my hands back. I don't know, that's when it all got confusing in my head. I wanted to hug and cuddle the guy. Not.. just... sex.
All this happened without a word said.
Got to the pub and we drank some more, everyone was happy we were talking and laughing a lot. We werent touching or physically close or that, just talking and enjoying each others company. By then he'd overdone it a bit on drinks and went to the toilets to be sick. About 10 minutes later I was walking him outside and called a taxi to bring him home. As he was getting into the taxi I half-jokingly said something close to "want me to make sure you get into bed safe too ?". He laughed and got in alone, drove off.
I sent him a text message the next day asking how he was but I got no reply.
I've said already I didn't think anything would ever come of this and was happy to leave it as "just friends". Now, I still feel the same, I mean, I know it's best not to change anything. But...... I'd have gone home with him and cuddled him all night without it having to be sexual if he'd wanted. I'm not .......falling....... for him am I ?
Sorry if this has been long and pointless. I'm sure I'll get lots of good advice here, but things are probably gonna stay how they are. Of straight guys and not so straight guys, the latter (in my experience) can be the most homophobic, it's not worth risking a long friendship over.......0
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