Boyfriend Sneaking Out Behind My Back

angeljulie

hi,

i need a little advice, ive just found out that my boyfriend has been going out to pubs and drinking behind my back,he's been doing it for months and i got a call from someone dont know who well i do but ive no proove. anyways we had a huge row about it and i dont know if i can trust him when he deliberately deceived me by pretending to be tired to go home, only he went to the pub til 2 or 3 in thw morning, please help what do i do

ShriekingSheet

That's really not cool at all.

He prob feels he has to justify going to the pub with the lads so goes behind your back.

On the thin veil of info you have given I would suggest leaving him and finding someone better.

mytwocents

Sounds like a loser to me if he's too afraid to tell you that he's off to the pub with the lads...

mr_angry

Maybe he feels a little trapped. Try talking to him instead of talking about him.

Villain

If he feels he has to lie to you to go to the pub with the lads, there is something seriously wrong.

Sit down and talk about without losing your cool, he may just of thought it would be easier to lie than tell you the truth, I was in a relationship for over 2 years and I was working mad hours and when I would say I was going to the pub with my mates on my time off she would throw a fit. So I either didn't go or told her I was working and went.

We broke up about 6 months ago, but we'r very close still.

angeljulie

the thing is he doesnt go with the lads, he goes by himself, pretends hes tired to go home to go to the pub, then rings me at 2 or 3 in the morning pretending hes after waking up or he cant sleep and all the time he was doing this behind my back

I am MAN

I was about to say pints with the lads before small talk with the girlfriend.

That is deffiently a problem he has to recognise goin to the pub by himself til 2 or 3 that can be very dangerous and should be said immediately.

smiaras

This post has been deleted.

I am MAN

Cheating shouldnt even come into this.

This should be taken seriously before it gets dangerous and self destructive.

Webmonkey

maybe he has an alcohol problem. Any1 that goes to the pub alone have problems but are you sure he goes alone?

Oriel

Fact: People go out to the pub all the time.
Ask yourself: Why is he doing this "behind your back"? Why is he pretending to be tired?

For something like this, you shouldn't need "proof".
Just ask him, if he can't answer honestly, well...

If he leaves you to go to the pub by himself then he does have an alcohol problem. And that's a completely different problem in itself. But if you have no "proof" then how do you know he's not going "with the lads"?

Why don't you suggest going to the pub with him for a few? Anyway, the main question of this thread is: "Why is he going behind my back". That's something between you and him. Why is he going? and why is he going behind your back?

I think we need a bit more info...

Falgorn

Do you give him a reason to lie? ie: intollerant, or when your out do you tire easily and ask to go home early? If he is doing it by himslef cos he cant do it with you, then there's your aswer, otherwise he is acting odd, and lie detector his ass.

Dr. Dre

Originally posted by Webmonkey
...Any1 that goes to the pub alone have problems

[sic]

:rolleyes: Oh my god, someone doesn't fit in to the conventional drinking pattern, off with his head :rolleyes:
This country......

koneko

How often does he do it? Is he having any problems at home or work? Is there a chance he's just drowning his sorrows and is too embarrassed to say anything to you? Or maybe he feels there is another reason he can't tell you. Who knows. Talk. People don't do that enough. Only way of finding out how someone is feeling is by talking to them.
Good luck.

loismustdie

Originally posted by angeljulie
hi,

i need a little advice, ive just found out that my boyfriend has been going out to pubs and drinking behind my back,he's been doing it for months and i got a call from someone dont know who well i do but ive no proove. anyways we had a huge row about it and i dont know if i can trust him when he deliberately deceived me by pretending to be tired to go home, only he went to the pub til 2 or 3 in thw morning, please help what do i do

what was the outcome of the row? you're not giving us much to go on eithout conclusive details but generally if he lied to you he's bad

Merovingian

dump him like there is no tomorrow, he s been a spa and doesnt deserve you!

echomadman

Originally posted by Webmonkey
...Any1 that goes to the pub alone have problems

Screw you buddy, anyone that lies about drinking on their own, or lies about their drinking habits might have a problem.
Drinking on your own does not indicate a problem.
I'm sick of that attitude, if you go for a few pints by yourself you have a problem, yet if a bunch of twats go out and get shitfaced en-masse, and end up falling/puking all over the streets "Shure, they're fond of their drink"
Grow up before posting silly crap like that.
With regards to the original posters problem, the fact that he feels he has to lie about it is the problem, why not just ask him what he's up to?

LegacyUser

Feck him, I reckon he should be bring you out for a few beers!!!!!!!!

angeljulie

okay I'll try and give you a few more details, he gave up drinking 2 years ago and I was delighted because he had told me so much stories about the amount he used to drink and I was horrified!!!!! Last May/June he changed all of a sudden we went form seeing each other every day to baerly seeing each other, he stayed home all day and we didnt see each other at night he never brought me anywhere, then he started saying he wanted to start drinking again and naturalluy I went mad becuase I know what he was like before we met, so I was totally against it and we made a promise when we first met that neithe would go out without the other and that never happened until I found out what he was doing I got a phone call (I know from
who but i cant proove it) he has done it every week and is drinking in the house as well (his house). no i never get tired of him at all, and on the few occasions i told him i was hacing an early night he went mad gettign thikc and going off the handle and all i have ever done is gone to bed, not sneaking off like him. i dont know anymore i dont think i can trust him becaus emy mind is olaying havoc, i cant help not trusting him

growler

he's obviously got a drink problem then, and knows it himself, any idea what brought about him going back on it?

Guess you need to think about whether you want to take on that kind of problem yourself and think about what's best for you.

DeadBankClerk

Maybe he is gay?

Webmonkey

Originally posted by echomadman
Screw you buddy, anyone that lies about drinking on their own, or lies about their drinking habits might have a problem.
Drinking on your own does not indicate a problem.
I'm sick of that attitude, if you go for a few pints by yourself you have a problem, yet if a bunch of twats go out and get shitfaced en-masse, and end up falling/puking all over the streets "Shure, they're fond of their drink"
Grow up before posting silly crap like that.
With regards to the original posters problem, the fact that he feels he has to lie about it is the problem, why not just ask him what he's up to?

No your missing my point, I prob didn't make it very clear (sorry about that ), I mean Like anyone that does it over and over again and as well to be desperate enough to lie to your gf and make up the excuse that you are tired?

Seraphina

tbh it doesn't really sound like he has a problem, it sounds like he agreed to give up drinking against his will, and eventually decided it wasn't worth it.
what age is he? from late school years to mid twenties loads of people go out and get ****faced every weekend, yea its not healthy, but it doesn't mean he has an alcohol problem.
you say you were horrified when you heard the amount he drinks. i'm horrified by the amount my brother drinks. doesn't mean he has a problem, and no one has any right to tell him what he cant do.
your bf said he wanted to start drinking again. he probably missed the social scene and going for pints with the lads. but you went mad. why the hell wouldn't he go behind your back if you're going to react like that? you seem to be trying to control his life.
and btw you made a promise when you starting going out to never go out without eachother?
thats just feckin weird tbh.
maybe i'm jumping to conclusions from sketchy details, but thats how i see it.

Victor

Originally posted by angeljulie
Last May/June he changed all of a sudden we went form seeing each other every day to

That sounds bad, a relationship needs a few days a week where you can turn off from the other person and do your own thing. Is he feeling trapped and guilty about the drinking (because you got mad at him)?

Originally posted by Seraphina
what age is he? from late school years to mid twenties loads of people go out and get ****faced every weekend, yea its not healthy, but it doesn't mean he has an alcohol problem.

That is an alcohol problem, it might be temporarily benign and controllable, but it isn't doing your brain, heart or liver any favours.

Woden

Originally posted by echomadman

Drinking on your own does not indicate a problem.

I don't like to drink on my own. i wouldn't just say i'm off to the pub and have a few pints and come home. However thats a personal thing. Anywho my point while i agree that drinking on your own does not necessarily indicate a problem i would think that in certain circumstances it can be indicative of a problem.

angeljulie.

for a start you's have been going out a long time so i won't make any rash decisions. i do think your agreement not to go out with out each other a little bizarre some of my best nights out are just with my friends without the g/f present and i think everyone needs sometime to thereselves. I also think its not who he's going out with that is the problem or what he is doing when he goes out but the fact that he is going out behind your back.

if he was saying he was tired and going out to the cinema with his mates behind your back you would be equally upset yes? due to the fact that it is behind your back?

perhaps he is starting to regret saying he would only go out with you and doesn't want any arguements are you say you get "mad" so its easier for him just to head out.

anywho i think you's should have a chat (whatever you do don't say to him "we need to talk" ) and perhaps re-evaluate your agreements to something more reasonable.

Seraphina

yeah Victor, i said i knew it wasn't healthy, but its not an alcohol problem.

or else you think most of the young irish have an alcohol problem?
i suppose the definition varies.

the point is i think she's over reacting.
he's probably just going out for some pints with the lads, i doubt he's doing it on his own that much, whoever told her just wasn't going to say he was going out with his friends or mention names cause she'd go mad at all of them aswell.

Woden

i don't think shes over reacting to the behind her back bit. relationships should be built on trust etc etc.

if he's saying i'm tired i'm off to bed frequently and ****ing off out to do whatever there's issues there.

Seraphina

yeah because she doesn't trust him to drink and 'wont let him'
he's going out behind her back because of previous over reaction.
i think she's a little unreasonable.
he did handle it badly he probably should have talked to her about his decision to start drinking again, but i think she had no right to go mad at him for wanting to do that.

angelofdeath

Originally posted by DeadBankClerk
Maybe he is gay?

that seems to be a very common suggestion to people with problems around here, 'hes depressed' - maybe hes gay, 'he masturbates' - maybe hes gay, 'hes cheating on me with my best friend, whos female' - maybe hes gay,:rolleyes: ffs, if anything hes an alcholic

Victor

Originally posted by Seraphina
or else you think most of the young irish have an alcohol problem?

Yes they do. I used to aswell. Your body can only process so much alcohol a day - we squeeze a whole week load's (then plus some) into the weekend.

Seraphina

ok look yea the irish do drink over-excessively, but the point is in comparison to most of the people his age, his 'problem' probably isn't that bad. i doubt its anything to go sending him to the AA over.

Bard

Originally posted by DeadBankClerk
Maybe he is gay?

Maybe he's a serial killer...

Just as believable...

Woden

Originally posted by Seraphina
yeah because she doesn't trust him to drink and 'wont let him'
he's going out behind her back because of previous over reaction.
i think she's a little unreasonable.
he did handle it badly he probably should have talked to her about his decision to start drinking again, but i think she had no right to go mad at him for wanting to do that.

yep i think she's being unreasonable also and they should have sorted something out when he decided he wanted to drink again it seem like that its steming from that and that issue was never resolved when it came up and now they are in their current situation.

like most of these things there enough blame to go around for both of them and it gets kinda circular

"he's going out behind my back"
"well thats cause your being unreasonable about drinking"
"no i'm not its because we had an agreement"

so on.

what remains now is to just bloody sort it out

sceptre

Originally posted by angeljulie
we made a promise when we first met that neithe would go out without the other

Really?

Oriel

I got a phone call (I know from who but i cant proove it)

Why are you talking about "proving" it?

DMT

Originally posted by DeadBankClerk
Maybe he is gay?

Beruthiel's Ninja whip is heading your way. :ninja: :ninja:

To the thread-starter: Dump him, he's sounds like an ass and you can do betterr...

Beruthiel

Originally posted by DeadBankClerk
Maybe he is gay?

:rolleyes:

vibe666

Originally posted by Bard
Maybe he's a serial killer...

Just as believable...

I get the feeling there is probably more gay people out there than serial killers somehow, so it's probably not just as likely.

seriously though, I definately think he has a problem, but I'm not so sure it's alcohol. the fac tthat he previously just stopped drinking for several months with no real struggle suggests that he isn't an alcoholic, probably more so just a regular drinker who had decided (for you or whatever his own reasons are) that he should maybe take it easy.

now, whatever his reasons are, he's decided to start drinking again. this might not be a bad thing necessarily. plenty of people drink without it being any big deal.

i know you said that the amount he used to drink horrified you, but how much was it? about 4 years ago, i was going on=ut 3 or 4 times a week and drinking a minimum of a half bottle of vodka a night, and at least once a week, that would be a whole bottle, and sometimes more, but if I didn't go out I didn't drink at all and it didn't bother me a bit even if it was a month or more. these days 4 or 5 pints is more than enough for me and I can't believe how much I used to drink, but it was no problem back then.

as has already been said, the real problem is that he feels he has to lie to you about it, which could well be a reflection on how you treat him. he could well have serious problems which because of the state of your relationship he feels he can't turn to you to talk about it (I'm just guessing btw, there could well be other reasons) so he's gone back to drinking to drown his sorrows.

either that or he's feeling suffocated in the relationship, and needs an escape route. and WTF were you thinking agreeing not to go out without each other? thats getting towards borderline bunny boiler territory, and I can't see any man agreeing volunterily to something like that. you can't base a healthy relationship on those sorts of terms, everybody needs their own space.

you really need to talk to him and make sure you stay rational when you do. he might have real problems and the last thing he needs is you venting at him. he might well be clinically depressed or something.

tell him you love him and you aren't going to be judgemental and that if he has problem (don't assume booze is the problem) that he can talk to you, and you can get through it together.

bear in mind though that he might well see you as being the problem if he's feeling suffocated. just try and be understanding and you can probably work it out.

Bard

Originally posted by vibe666
I get the feeling there is probably more gay people out there than serial killers somehow, so it's probably not just as likely.

I never said it was just as likely, I said it was just as believeable.

The guy is going out to the pub (with his mates probably) without her. That doesn't suggest for a second to me that "maybe he's gay" any more than it does that "maybe he's going out and killing hookers and dumping them in the Liffey"...

DapperGent

Originally posted by Victor
That sounds bad, a relationship needs a few days a week where you can turn off from the other person and do your own thing.

Whose relationship? I see an awful lot of my girlfriend and it doesn't bother me none. You should avoid making generalisations like that.

Emboss

Originally posted by angeljulie
hi,

i need a little advice, ive just found out that my boyfriend has been going out to pubs and drinking behind my back,he's been doing it for months and i got a call from someone dont know who well i do but ive no proove. anyways we had a huge row about it and i dont know if i can trust him when he deliberately deceived me by pretending to be tired to go home, only he went to the pub til 2 or 3 in thw morning, please help what do i do

this is normal there is nothing you can do....walk away or stay....you be the fool..i mean make the choice...

Typedef

Personally I think you're going well over the top.

The fact that your boyfriend feels he has to hide the fact that he meets up with his mates for a few drinks, to me, at least says that maybe you are the type that gives the man no space in the relationship.

There are lots of people like this, not just chicks, who demand that their partners spend all their time with them as opposed to with their friends, and lay a guilt trip on that person for spending time with other people.

You mention you didn't know this guy when he used to go drinking, so in fact, you actually have no basis to try and paint him as an alocholic or similar, and to be honest this entire drink thing sounds like an ammendum to justify, the fact that you don't want him going out with his friends, to the point where the guy has to lie about this.

Lots of people make these irrational time expectations on their partners, due to a lack of trust or low self-confidence.

Perhaps this is true in your case?

Emboss

Originally posted by Typedef
Personally I think you're going well over the top.

The fact that your boyfriend feels he has to hide the fact that he meets up with his mates for a few drinks, to me, at least says that maybe you are the type that gives the man no space in the relationship.

There are lots of people like this, not just chicks, who demand that their partners spend all their time with them as opposed to with their friends, and lay a guilt trip on that person for spending time with other people.

You mention you didn't know this guy when he used to go drinking, so in fact, you actually have no basis to try and paint him as an alocholic or similar, and to be honest this entire drink thing sounds like an ammendum to justify, the fact that you don't want him going out with his friends, to the point where the guy has to lie about this.

Lots of people make these irrational time expectations on their partners, due to a lack of trust or low self-confidence.

Perhaps this is true in your case?

nail has been hit!

angeljulie

okay okay please dont come at me i dont control him, it was his idea that we only go out with each other. i didnt know him when he was drinking but he told me himself what he was like, he was at the pub EVERY night downing pints shorts whatever he oculd get and i was recently told by someone who knows him that he is an alcoholic i said no he isnt he doesnt drink anymore.. but i got some awakening. i dont demand he spend all his time with me but i just ask to spend some time with him. i mean its fine for him to take off for a day to dublin or galway or wherever and not tell me but if i do the same he goes mad. he just seems tolie at every opportunity,

Typedef

Ah, well, then he's an alcho.

Ditch him for a newer model.

Beruthiel

Originally posted by Typedef
Ditch him for a newer model

of which there are plenty....

Typedef

*grin*

the_syco

Originally posted by angeljulie
told by someone who knows him that he is an alcoholic

Was it a girl? If yes, what does she gain from yer break-up?

=====
=====

It seems you have him wrapped around yer little finger.

The guy has to make excuse's to go out with the lads. Poor lad.

This thing about him drinking lots before he met you, may point to a past problem. Him throwing it under the carpet for you sounds sweet and all, but the problem has come up again, and you going mental about it won't help.

The only advice I can give you, is to ask him to bring over a few of "the lads" for a soccer match on the TV, and see if you can find out wots up. Seemingly ye haven't met them, and they may see you as the problem, thus bring him out.

Finally, it seems you know nothing about his past. Get to know him, 'cos if ye don't and something disagreeable pops out of yer past, wot will happen then?

ali.g

look dont mean to be ingorant...but .....your not married your 2 people of your own minds...he can do what he wants...you can do what you want...if this is bugging you and he wont stop wel get out....at the end of it all your 2 SINGLE people wit each other or not...until you go to church a vow to marriage...but other than that were all single....going out wit someone doesn mean you cant do this or you cant do that...so if hes not gonna tel you the truth its his choice...and you miten like it....so in turn it wil your choice to leave...and he miten like that....give a little take a little.....comprende

DeadBankClerk

Originally posted by Bard
Maybe he's a serial killer...

Just as believable...

Or maybe a gay serial killer?

Beruthiel

now DBC
do I have to put you on a warning?