my messed up family

spooiirt!!

My biggest problem at the moment is my father, hes a complete ass hole. whenever i mess up, do something stupid , or my room isnt tidy, he goes absolutely ape, starts screamin his head off at me . not just giving out to me, but actually shouting.

anyway it happened again today, over nothing as usual, and he was really goin psycho again. so after of abouttwo minutes of him yelling at me, i got real angry and started puching the door, and then afterwards, i just sorta, screamed "AAAAAAGGH" out loud, just to vent my anger. Then i sorta broke down and started crying, which made the old fukker even angrier, and he told me to stop crying and be a man. then he went upstairs.

ive been putting up with this pointless crap for 18 years. he shouts insults at me, calling me a **** up, telling me what a loser i am, and then he complains to himself about his misfortune at having such a stupid son.
i mean if i was some lazy good for nuthin bum, i could understand this, but im really not. i did everything he said, studied hard in school, but he still loses the head every two minutes.

anyway, hopefully i can move out soon, with a little luck.
id appreciate any optimistic comments

Cake Fiend

Well, if it's any consolation, it sounds like the problem is with him rather than you. It's very possible that he suffers from depression (watch out - this can be hereditary). Easier said than done, but try not to let his outbursts bother you so much - he's completely overreacting by the sound of it. Next time he starts shouting at him, try to stay calm and tell yourself that he's only giving out because of his own problems, rather than actually something you've done - whatever you might have done is probably not that bad and only a catalyst for his behaviour rather than the cause.

When you leave home, maybe tell him he was a failure as a father and see how he likes being on the end of it.

Shilo

That's such a hard thing to have to deal with. The only thing I can tell you is something I learned through dealing with the same kind if stuff from my mother. And it's a REALLY important thing to remember.

IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU!

Sure, parents get fed up with their kids ocassionally, it's natural, believe me. But that kind of thing, and that kind of verbal abuse is never about the person it's being directed at. When people get angry, it's because they're scared of something. You get angry, and on this ocassion lost it completely because you're scared that a) he might be right and b) that you might have to spend the rest of your life listening to this rubbish.

I'm betting he's scared because of one or more of the following reasons:

i) He feels he missed out on stuff in his own life and he doesn't want you to do the same.

ii) He's scared of his own anger.

iii) There's some other miscellaneous crap going on that I can't even guess at.

I know, this is all very well and good for me to tell you this but it doesn't help. And if you told your dad any of this, he'd laugh in your face because he probably doesn't understand it any more than you do.

The good bit is that when you truly come to terms with this, his aggression loses its power over you. It will still always hurt on some level because he's your dad and you want to make him proud of you. But over time, you'll learn that the only way to deal with it is to do your own thing, as much as you can, and to remember that however he shows it, it's waaaay more likely that he loves you and wants what's best for you than that he dislikes you and is genuinely pissed off.

When you get the chance to move away from home, you'll probably not see him for long periods of time and this will help heal up the way he's hurt you. It also gives you both space to see one another as individuals and not just father and son. It's unfair in a lot of ways but it's really up to you to deal with this, even though he's the one causing the problem. But the way you handle it now will affect the way your relationship with your dad turns out. My mum still has an uncanny knack of making me feel 2 inches tall, even though I'm now married with 2 little ones of my own, but it's no longer the huge deal that it was when I was younger because I learned the hard way how to get past it.

Best of luck. You'll be fine.

yellum

I agree with the other posters: its him, its not you. Know this and remind yourself next time he has a go. Once you start thinking this way it should get you less worked up.

kaalgat

If it would make you feel any better, you're not alone.

I have the same sort of thing with my own father. He goes a bit further and actually strikes me when he gets angry. This has been going on for the last 18 years of my life.

Recently he has stopped hitting me though, after I hit him back once. I think he was probably a bit embarrassed about having gotten a black nose from his daughter.

Am planning to move out of the house very soon too.

Good luck.

spooiirt!!

thanks for that, it helped.
i know the problems not with me. and yes, there is a lot of miscellaneous crap going on. my parents divorce, my dad being an alcoholic. ive heard from my grandmother that my dads dad was just as hard on him, and he was an alcoholic too.
my hands all swollen from punching the door, i cant even make a fist with it.
Also, he usually only gets mad about the little, unimportant things. but when hes raving on about it, he really sounds like he believes the stuff he says.
ah well, i should be used to it by now. hes been like this as long as i can remember.
but i lived with my mum for a while, so thank god i got a bit of a break from his reign of terror.

kaalgat

You know, the same stuff is happening here.

My mum recently decided to divorce my dad, as she found out that he had been screwing behind her back. I've also been told before that my father's stepfather was an alcoholic and used to beat up my dad and his brothers aswell.

My dad also gives me crap for the stupidest of things. I'm even given out to for letting my little puppy sleep on my lap while I'm watching tv, and other silly little things that make no sense.

I've long before learnt not to hit things that will break and cost money, or that would physically hurt me, so most of the times it helps to just go out for a jog.

My mum still lives with my dad, as we are foreigners and she cannot go back to South Africa on her own, and would not be allowed to stay on in Ireland if she was not married to my father, so at the moment there is no way out for me.

Luckily my job involves leaving at 6 in the morning and getting back around 8 in the evening, so I don't see much of my father.

I just hope that I can move out soon.

I'm sorry to hear about the mess you are in.

Best of luck

Atreides

What exactly is a real man, seriously? is it getting you head kicked in just to prove oyu hard, or what is it? I never understand people who say be a man and stuff, chances are their not much of one.

As for your father, he sounds insecure about himself and maybe sees something in you that reminds him or what he might have become, possible if he hadn't had kids.

One thing, education is the best and fastest way out of a situation like that. Do keep up with the study despite all this ****e. I know it can be hard to be this cold but you have to do it if you want any chance at a "normal" life.

quank

i know i am just repeating other peoples posts, but i think ye need as much support ye can get
hopefully things will turn out for the best
(Y):)

Andor

ditto!

AdMMM

This thread has also been very helpful to me, the same stuff is happening with my mother!

b3t4

Hey,

Really sorry to hear about your situation. I had to deal with a similar situation when I was younger with my mother. When I moved out however alot of things changed and I have a better relationship with her than I had before.

Also I know that this is entirely his problem but it is making you get to stage where you are starting to punch doors. There appears to be a trend in all this and that's that his father before him was like this, as it was the case with other peoples fathers. I would urge you to seek some help and support from outside your family to learn how to deal with the anger your feeling in a healthy way.

Good luck with moving out. Your situation won't change if you don't.

Take care,
A.

patch

Well this thread takes me back!
Spoooirt, don't worry mate, it's at your age you starrt to realise your parents are only people as well.
When we're growing up we think our parents know everthing about everything. As it happens they don't, they have the same worries and problems we have.

For whatever reason, past or present, your dad is being an ass. He most likely always was an ass. That's not your fault though.

Maybe if he had the net to vent on and seek advice, he'd be better able to handle things, but he can't and prolly won't at this late stage.

Just accept him for who he is and try not to stress over it. You'll be moving out soon, which is when you'll see a change, and most likely get on with him a lot better.

Murv

oh... spooiirt... yeah i kinda have the same problem aswell (this thread has made me realise that its more common than i thought)
I find it best not to lose my temper because it just makes it all infinitely worse. And i keep telling myself all that jazz about it being his problem and that he's depressed and possibly an alcoholic and had a less than fun childhood... but it doesnt make it any easier...
I suppose you can console yourself with the fact that you only have to live with him a little while longer... he has to live with being like that for the rest of his life.

mooman_00

i hear what your saying there spooiirt had the same shiit myself for years. Used to break shiit (mostly my own) after an argument but learned the best way to handle my da was to agree with every point of his argrument. In a calm manner id agree that i was usless and a waste and tell him he was right and everyone else was wrong etc. This enrages him more and he leaves in a worse mood then when came. I then feel better for having sent him loopers again.
Of course until i was too big for him to strike anymore i would've never chanced this kind of approach for fear of being hit.
Hope this helps and best of luck.

hipchick

I went through something very similar when i was younger and i learned that people even parents have a lot of stuff on there plates, my dad drank to fill a whole that was inside him and when it didn't work he would just lash out...its painful to think your parents aren't good ones but some people just aren't equiped or have been conditioned by what their parents have done.

I think by realising the problems your father/mother has inturn will make you into a better person with higher values. Although we are supposed to learn from our parents some things should not be passed on.

Its a good thing to move out be an independant person and then you family will see you as an individual not as part of thier problems (although your not)!

Best of luck and be strong!!

The Second

Spoooirt, don't worry mate, it's at your age you starrt to realise your parents are only people as well.

at his age?? hes 18! I'm sure he realised before this...

You need to get your own gaff. I advise not leaving on bad terms .. cause time heals things and once you have your own self back and not have him f*!king with your head ... you will end up on better terms with him.

My advise ->Don't burn bridges ... and I wish you the independence and strenght you need to take your life in your own hands.

spooiirt!!

Ive told him im moving out of the house, out of the country, in fact. he said that im old enough and that he cant stop me. but i can tell hes real disappointed that im not gonna stay in germany with him and follow his footsteps and become an accountant.

like dispite all the bad crap he says, hes still my dad, and he was a good father, ( building treehouse with me , going fishing when i was a kid etc). hes just got a serious temper and he starts drinking at 12 in the afternoon. im still livin with him for another month and a half, il try make the best of it.

dod

This is a most unfortunate situation to be in, to some extent at least you can draw support from the fact that there are others in similar situations, or who have been in comparable situations in the past and have moved on from the problem.

This problem (or a variation thereon) is, in fact, a lot more common than you might believe, but obviously it's not really casual conversation material. Also, because it happens in the privacy of your home, it tends to be something that stays behind closed doors, e.g. in company, or in family reunions etc., he probably rants about what a great guy/ girl you are.

I am not at all an advocate of these american self-help books, however for the sake of less than €10, this book is well worth the investment (at least I thought so). It really tries to put this sort of irrational behaviour in context and to allow you to see that the problem is theirs - pretty much what everybody else is saying here, but there is some very good analytical material in this book:
Toxic Parents

I have read the book and it really is a worthwhile read.

spooiirt!!

is it good? whos the hero? and is it more murder mystery or more sci-fi orientated? im a big steven king fan myself, is it a bit like his books?
















man im dumb!:)

Musashi

It's his not yours , as has been said!
If he gets rough with you tell him to stop forcefully!
"F**K Up you C**t" might do it!
If not do like most guys have at some stage and belt your Dad.........
It's not big or clever, but if he still see's u as a kid, a good thumping might change his mind?
I'm not proud of it but he asked me if "I thought i was Hard?"
Asked for it!
Then move on!

Wavey

had a similar situation with my old man. The only way out is education. Show him what you can do. If it means working in a bar to pay your way through college then do it.
good luck dude,( just finished doing that.)

gobby

had a similar problem myself when i was about the same age. the only consolation i can give you is that as you get older this stuff happens less and less. still happens to me from time to time but usually i can just deal with it and think to myself, 'what a sad, pathetic ****er to be saying that crap to me'. the sooner you adopt a similar policy the better. just try not to let it get to you. find something to do or somewhere to go when the **** hits the fan.

you mentioned your da starts drinking early. alcoholic?

sceptre

Originally posted by spooiirt!!
is it good? whos the hero? and is it more murder mystery or more sci-fi orientated? im a big steven king fan myself, is it a bit like his books?

I read the dictionary last week. Turns out the zebra did it.

"Toxic parents" is an interesting read actually. It's got some of that American style self-help crapology in it but you can just ignore those bits. My father gave me a copy of it about a year ago so I read it to keep him happy if nothing else (yes, yes, I'm being ironic).

spooiirt!!

yeah, hes a serious alcoholic. he also like to work out really hard for 5 minutes and then smoke like 3 cigarettes. he might be tryin to smoke himslf to death.

Suaimhneach

learn from his mistakes. as all the other posters said, you'll be free of him some day. be a better person because you can, its too late for them(parents).

isnt that sad...

loismustdie

not to sound unsympathetic but your father doesn't sound all that bad - if he shouts or loses his temper it's because he's under stress or whatever - it's not like he abuses you

vac

Dip his nose in his own piss, he'll think twice next time.

Beruthiel

vac = banned
B

spooiirt!!

lois must die, youre absolutely right. at least he dosnt hit me.
anyway i knew this pretty girl back in co. clare, whos father tried to screw her when she was 15 , so she had to run away from home. she had it a lot worse than me for sure!

John R

Originally posted by loismustdie
not to sound unsympathetic but your father doesn't sound all that bad - if he shouts or loses his temper it's because he's under stress or whatever - it's not like he abuses you

Verbal abuse IS abuse and can be just as bad for someone's psyche as getting hit.

Just because there are worse people doing worse things to their children doesn't mean anyone should have to accept that sort of treatment.

CyberGhost

spooiirt, i have the exact same problems as you do, but the only difference is that i'm some lazy good for nuthin bum - sorry not my fault, god made me like that, + i have social enxiety