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07-10-2012, 15:46   #1
Reggie4
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What to do about immature partner?

On the subject of trust in a relationship. I am with same girl nearly 15 years, since I was 19. We have a young and happy family. She is a flirty person in general but sometimes I think it can cross the line a bit. Countless times(in fact most times since we started going out) we would be out on a night out and after a few drinks she's off. There have been times when I have come across her in intense conversation/flirting with other guys. These could be complete strangers, it doesn't seem to matter much to her. She'll always be in a corner of a room with some guy. Her body language, which I am familiar with, seems to suggest that she is seriously flirting. She admits that but says its just flirting. But why go round looking to create the opportunity? why does she constantly do these things? Is it drink? me? cheap trill at feeling wanted?

To give you a bit of a background she still gets absolutely pissed like an 18 year old girl every time she goes out. She is a fine looking woman, intelligent, bubbly with a wicked sense of humour. I actually like her out going personality but after 15 years I would like her to grow up a bit and not get drunk, disappear and flirt with guys. She has cheated on her previous boyfriend but that was when she was 18. Nothing to do with me except the fact that she cheated on him with that guys brother makes me think what her capacity for cheating is like? It was when she was young though so it shouldn't matter, which it wouldn't, but for the fact that she still acts like she was 19 when drinking too much.

This is all coming to a head because she mentioned to me that her workmates and herself have booked a Christmas party for themselves (its not her works official party), in a hotel 40 miles from where we live and work. Now I am not a damp squib but how is going to a festiveness Christmas party where surely her and her mates are sure to get completely wasted in the presence of other inebriated and randy men from other office Christmas parties. She took no time in explaining that partners were not invited, even though it isn't the official party and is been organised by them. Why would a bunch of office women go to Christmas party in a hotel 40 miles away from where they work, not invite their partners and book a room for the night? Its all very immature to be honest.

Thing is I just am at a stage in my life where I have a family I love and a fiancé I still fancy like mad. I am sick of this **** every time we go out. I just want a normal relationship. I ain't going to stay with a person who does these things even if she says it means nothing. Why am I having reservations about this whole party thing? I would be hurt but I would rather be single and look for somebody else than keep up this charade. She says she loves me and wouldn't cheat but ffs why do all the chasing then. I am cleaner than white, I can be grumpy, negative like anyone else. We have a good sex life considering we now have a teenager in the house. But I sometimes think she is somewhere else and it's a horrible feeling to have. She is sick of me saying it to her but she's the kind of person to bury something and plough on.

What do you think? A woman's point of view would be helpful a lot.
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07-10-2012, 15:54   #2
Ickle Magoo
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Hey there,

Could I ask that you read the forum/site rules with regards to bumping old threads and posting the same post multiple times in different forums.

You should also check whether the forum you are about to post in is appropriate by reading the forum charter which is stickied at the top of the front page.

Your other post which bumped a 4 yr old thread which was then moved here has now been deleted - in case you are looking for it.

Cheers.
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07-10-2012, 16:13   #3
fits
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I dont think what she did when she was 18 should have any bearing on her now. So forget about that.

Flirting is fine and having a few drinks is fine up to a point. But I can see why its annoying you a bit now.

As for the Christmas party, you either trust her or you dont.

Maybe be honest with her, and tell her you're worried about her behaviour, and give her a chance to put your mind at ease. thats the best you can do. Make sure this is all done in a very calm manner though. Thats really important. be careful not to be accusatory in tone.
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07-10-2012, 16:36   #4
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You need to have a serious talk with her about her behaviour when she goes out, I'm not saying she can't have a good drink but getting totally wasted and openly flirting is a bit much.
If it were the other way round would she have it out with you ?
The flirting might be harmless but she should take your feelings into consideration and the office party thing I'm not convinced of her motives here tbh.

I think you trust her but deep down you have some reservations and doubts about her being faithful.
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07-10-2012, 16:47   #5
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She brought up the party subject up. I told her how I feel about it. No fighting or raised voices! She then said that she wasn't going to stay the night but just go to the party. But she can hardly get a cab home 40 miles away. Why organise an xmas party so far away with an overnight stay. Her workmates are sound but a bit wild. She says that other partners dont have a problem with it. Hard to believe as I am a man and know that most wouldnt be ok with it.

Now she is saying that she doesn't never wanted to go anyway but why bring it up then. Its not her going though. It;s basically **** or get off the pot. If she doesn't want to grow up then fine but be honest cause I want different things from the relationship obviously.
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07-10-2012, 16:57   #6
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Suggest picking her up after the party if she makes excuses then you might see things differently.
Some people never change and in her defence this is the way she is and she probably sees nothing wrong in what she does because in her mind she is just having a laugh.

Are there other issues with the relationship that is bothering you?
I dunno if I should ask this but will, how come ye have not got married? I'm not judging you are anything just curious.
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07-10-2012, 17:23   #7
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I think you are right as she said as much. That she just didnt think of it that way. But I asked if it was me and my mates organising our own xmas party with same circumstances would she be happy. She said thinking about it now no she wouldnt!

I thought for years that we hadnt got married because I didnt want anything to do with church. I always thought it was me but found out a few months back that she hadnt wanted to get married as much as I didnt (I deserved that for just been so presumptious anyway). I wasnt always the best boyfriend but I never cheated, I would go out with my mates and not get home till 8 the next morning.

About 6 years ago I decided that I didnt like going out for drinks with her anymore over her drunkenness so I made the choice(didnt tell her) that I would go out with my mates on different nights she went out with hers. Worked up to last year or 2 until (I love the girl and wanted a more 'grown up' relationship) until we started going out together again. It has been a disaster as when we have gone out out she has not changed a bit. Still the same ****.

I know she loves me loads but can't handle that behaviour anymore. I love her too and we have great kids. Basically I have told her she can do all those things but without me as her fiancé. I dont want to be a paranoid freak and an untrusting person either so she needs to look at what she wants. I am where she wanted me to be 7/8 years ago(get married) but I have think that maybe she isnt there anymore.
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07-10-2012, 17:36   #8
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I don't like the idea of her flirting with guys every time you two go out. That is a bit much as far as I am concerned. In my opinion it is a cheap thrill to see if she still is attractive to men. I don't know why she has this need though. Do you make her feel attractive? Normally when a woman acts like this there is something missing in her marriage/relationship that she is looking outside of it for attention.
I would not mind a girls night out 40 miles away, that would be quite normal of recent times but of course due to her behaviour it is also worrying. I can understand your point. You can't forbid her to go though, but I suppose you could tell her in a nice way how you feel.

Wrote the above before I read your last post OP. So it appears that there are a few problems in this relationship and in order to fix them you need to have a chat with her and you both need to tell one another how you feel and how things can be changed for the better.

Last edited by Lorna123; 07-10-2012 at 17:43.
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07-10-2012, 17:37   #9
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Relationships go through phases of loved up all the time to going through the motions sometimes but once there is love there its easy to sit down and chat about what ever it is that is troubling you or her.
I personally could not put up with the excessive drinking on nights out and it would cause problems for me to the point of me giving my OH an ultimatum.
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07-10-2012, 19:03   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Reggie4 View Post
But why go round looking to create the opportunity? why does she constantly do these things? Is it drink? me? cheap trill at feeling wanted?
People flirt, there's nothing wrong with it. I would agree that heavy flirting in front of you is bad form, as it's disrespectful, but I think that disrespect for you should be the issue rather than the assumption that she's trying to cheat on you. You've no proof of any cheating.

Quote:
Why would a bunch of office women go to Christmas party in a hotel 40 miles away from where they work, not invite their partners and book a room for the night? Its all very immature to be honest.
It doesn't sound immature to me, it sounds like she's trying to have a bit of fun.

I think if you have an issue with the way she's acting, fair enough. You're entitled to leave the relationship if you feel there's an issue you can't resolve. But to be honest it sounds like you're obsessing, and if she is staying faithful, you're worries are probably becoming quite unfair on her. If it's the case that she isn't staying faithful, giving ultimatums about Christmas parties isn't going to solve anything.
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07-10-2012, 19:27   #11
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I'm sorry OP but this girl is walking all over you, without a shred of respect for you or your feelings. She needs to grow up and realise she isn't a teenager anymore.

Falling around drunk every time she goes out is disgustingly unattractive and not something any partner should have to tolerate -a man would be branded a drunken philanderer for this kind of behaviour, being female doesn't make it acceptable and make sure she knows it
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07-10-2012, 19:59   #12
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Just curious. How serious and in-depth a conversation have you have about this? Does she just think it's you being a stuffed shirt or does she understand how much of an issue it is for you? I don't want to go down the road of diagnosis here but her inability to handle her drink is sounding alarm bells.
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07-10-2012, 21:37   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Reggie4 View Post
She brought up the party subject up. I told her how I feel about it. No fighting or raised voices! She then said that she wasn't going to stay the night but just go to the party. But she can hardly get a cab home 40 miles away. Why organise an xmas party so far away with an overnight stay. Her workmates are sound but a bit wild. She says that other partners dont have a problem with it. Hard to believe as I am a man and know that most wouldnt be ok with it. .
As you describe her behaviour, id consider it immature...but when I read the above paragraph I have to wonder at your objectivity.

Id be fine with my partner staying over at an Xmas party, wherever, its often done to 'get away' and have it so everyone stays over together....yet you seem to consider this unreasonable. I think you are over-reacting to this....not sure is this the same with everything or are you ultra-sensitive because of her behaviour.

You accuse her of being immature, but a relationship is 2 people - if you cant discuss this stuff together and come up with solutions, then Id be looking at your relationship, not just pointing the finger at her. Id focus on that rather than the 'Chritsmas' issue
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08-10-2012, 02:27   #14
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Yeah thanks everybody for their input. Appreciate the honesty.
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08-10-2012, 08:47   #15
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As you describe her behaviour, id consider it immature...but when I read the above paragraph I have to wonder at your objectivity.

Id be fine with my partner staying over at an Xmas party, wherever, its often done to 'get away' and have it so everyone stays over together....yet you seem to consider this unreasonable. I think you are over-reacting to this....not sure is this the same with everything or are you ultra-sensitive because of her behaviour.

You accuse her of being immature, but a relationship is 2 people - if you cant discuss this stuff together and come up with solutions, then Id be looking at your relationship, not just pointing the finger at her. Id focus on that rather than the 'Chritsmas' issue
It's not the idea that she is going to a party 40 miles away that is upsetting the OP it is how she might behave, based on his past experiences of her when she is out.
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