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11-05-2012, 01:14   #1
Coal1978
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How do I tell them I would rather my Dog at the birth than you.

Hi Guys

New here, I'm due to give birth at anytime now and I have a huge problem, I can't even sleep it's annoying me that much.

My husbands mother and sister want to be at the birth of our first baby, for a start since I met them they have been nothing but cruel to me but I say nothing for my husbands sake. Bottom line I don't want them in the room when I give birth, they are more than welcome to be in the next room and see the baby ASAP after we meet our little one and have our moment.

I will be accused of shutting them out, I know that they are nana and aunt and can have a huge part in the babies life as long as it's positive.

The slap in the face for them is, because we are having a home birth I can have people in, I decided with my husband that it will just be us, the midwife and our dog. The dog has been with us since day one and we are very attached. I thought this would solve anyone feeling left out but they will see it as I picked a dog over them.

Help......
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11-05-2012, 01:28   #2
Morag
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Time to tell your husband and then tell the midwife who you do and do not want in the room.
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11-05-2012, 01:29   #3
iguana
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Well first off just don't mention the dog to them, there is no reason for them to know that. Secondly just make it clear that giving birth is a personal act to you and you don't want an audience. Or better yet make sure your husband makes that clear to them as they are his family.

I know some people enjoy having family/friends around them for the birth but personally my rule is that if you aren't a relevant medical professional or you weren't there for the conception, you won't be there for the birth.
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11-05-2012, 01:34   #4
KKkitty
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OP It's your birthing experience and it should be as you want it. Your in laws don't need to be in the room and that point should be made very clear to them. Good luck with the birth and hope all goes well
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11-05-2012, 01:40   #5
Coal1978
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[Quote=iguana;78614304

personally my rule is that if you aren't a relevant medical professional or you weren't there for the conception, you won't be there for the birth.[/Quote]

Lol the dog was there for the conception, she sleeps in our room with us, she gets on the bed and barks everytime my husband try's anything.
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11-05-2012, 03:01   #6
Neyite
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Have they suggested or assumed that they will attend? If not, then you may be worrying for nothing. Do you even have to tell them? I'd just tell them after baby is born and you and your husband have had a little time alone with baby, to be honest.

At birth, you need the people who love you and support you there, not people who have held a dislike for you. And I'd have no problem saying it. But, your husband should be your spokesperson here - make it clear to him that he needs to make it very clear to them for you.

I dont plan on even letting my mother know when I'm in labour, she will get a phonecall after baby has arrived and we have had our little hour alone with our first born, as she is a worrier - then I would worry about her worrying, she has zero patience so if she didnt hear anything after an hour or two she would be visualising me going through all sorts of medical traumas. She would also be continually texting me or my partner and getting worked up if she got no reply, and I need myself and my partner to fully concentrate on the job at hand. He is no good to me out in the hall texting anxious grannies!

I told her this, and initially she got a bit of the hump, but I explained why I wanted it to be just us concentrating on birthing our baby without interruptions or outside concerns and she was fine about it.
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11-05-2012, 03:31   #7
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speaking as someone who doesn't have kids, but DOES have a bit of personal dignity surrounding who sees my lady bits - my stomach actually did a flip as i read your post, op!!!

i feel exactly the same about my inlaws and there's no earthly way i'd let them share in the most personal, private special moment that really should be all about you and your husband. (and mutley!). just remember, if you or your husband do have to explain that you don't want them in there, and if they have a problem with it or give out to either of you for it - it's more a reflection on THEM, not either of you two.

any reasonable person would just take no for an answer, realise that they'd crossed the line, and be happy to meet the newborn when mam and dad (and dog!) have a chance to spend some time with the baby first. not letting them at the birth might also lay the groundwork for any issues you may have to deal with in the future like them having an undue say or right or opinions on how you're raising the wee one? just an idea!
 
11-05-2012, 05:26   #8
pushki
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It is your body and you should not have them there if you don't want them. Giving birth is such a private and intimate experience it should be comfortable for you. it is not for entertainment!!! you should tell your husband what you want and he should be supportive regardless of how put out your family feel!
To be honest id prefer any of my animals to be present at my babys birth over any human but that's just me :-)
Best of lucky
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11-05-2012, 07:17   #9
edellc
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I know how you feel OP if my OH's family had gotten the chance they would have been in the delivery room with me, thankfully I live in a different county to them so that didnt happen, however the mother arrived into me within a couple of hours of me having our little fella, when all I wanted to do was sleep was so annoyed with her.

Its time for you to man up, giving birth is a very private thing when everything is on show and its not something that is dignified, you deserve it to go whatever way you want it to go regardless of what your husband wants or his family tbh, it is you that is going to be doing all the hard work and you dont need people gawping at you.

Sit you hubby down and tell him how you feel and that you want this to be a intimate moment just like the conception, also do you really think that if they are in another room that they will stay there??? I know my OH's lot wouldnt have and would have barged in just to see how I was getting on, so if you are letting them in another room then make sure that your hubby is aware that another room means another room and not sticking their head round the door every five minutes

Best of luck with the birth OP I really hope you get the experience you want and all goes well

peace and love x
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11-05-2012, 08:19   #10
The Princess Bride
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Coal1978 View Post

My husbands mother and sister want to be at the birth of our first baby, for a start since I met them they have been nothing but cruel to me.

The slap in the face for them is, because we are having a home birth I can have people in.
Hi OP.

The fact that they've been horrible to you for a long time would be enough of a reason for me,tbh.
I would be very firm-your husband needs to be too-
I know it'd be a lie,but could you tell them that because it's your first,the midwife has said she doesn't allow anybody in the room except the husband-standard policy,perhaps?
Blame the midwife-that way they won't fall out with you.

Tbh, I wouldn't want anybody else in the house,let alone in the room.

One more thing, if they start ruling the roost before the baby arrives,you just might find yourself posting here in weeks to come,because they keep dropping in unannounced and telling you how to rear your own baby.

Best of luck and enjoy motherhood!
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11-05-2012, 08:29   #11
Big Bag of Chips
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If they've been horrible to you in the past, why are you worrying about sparing their feelings and how best to word it?!

Just straight out say no. On the day if they try to get in, the midwife will firmly tell them where to go, anyway.

Just tell them nobody but your husband will be in the room with you, and its not up for discussion... don't mention doggy!

If they continue to mention it, I would actually laugh at them, as if their joking, and say nothing else!

Edit: If that doesn't work you can say... "oh ok then, just so long as you promise I can go to your next smear/breast check"

Last edited by Big Bag of Chips; 11-05-2012 at 08:40.
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11-05-2012, 08:34   #12
The Big Red Button
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Jesus ... I am extremely close to my own mother and sisters - but would be in NO way comfortable with any of them being there as I gave birth - let alone any inlaws!

Just don't tell them til it's all over and done with. Probably the easiest solution! Once labour starts, turn off the phones, and forget about everyone else until you're ready.
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11-05-2012, 08:55   #13
ash23
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OP you will most likely not want people there anyway. I remember when I was going into labour and my whole family were there, I was wishing them all away. And I get on really well with them.
If I were you I wouldn't even tell them when my labour started.
If they get snotty about it just say that much as you care about them (not!) you don't want them seeing you in all your naked grunting glory.
I'm assuming your hubby will back you up on that?
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11-05-2012, 09:00   #14
lazygal
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Are you giving birth in Ireland? A lot of the maternity hospitals have a strict partner only rule (or mother/sister etc, one person only though) for labour and delivery. At my antenatal classes a few ladies asked about having their mum and partner there, but no, its only one person allowed. Also, visiting can be very, very strict. A friend who gave birth recently was only allowed to have her partner visit as there was a bug in the hospital, even grandparents were not admitted.

I am giving serious consideration to not having any visitors apart from my husband in hospital after the birth as I know how I work and wouldn't relish visits from my inlaws. I may want to see my mum, but that's a different relationship to my mother in law. We are going to see how things pan out but I'm leaning strongly towards not telling anyone i'm in labour and calling them well after the birth, with a proviso on visiting only when I'm up to it, which may be only when I get home.
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11-05-2012, 09:10   #15
Rosy Posy
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I agree with the other posters here who say that there's no way you can allow these people to intrude on your birth. Since they are your OH's family then it really is up to him to stand up to them. Both he and the midwife should be advocating for you while you are giving birth, and if having them present makes you uncomfortable then this can only impinge on the progress of your labour. It makes a big difference.

In my last labour I went into labour alone and first my husband came home and then each of the midwives arrived separately- every time a new person came into the room the labour stalled.

Another cautionary tale: a friend has a very domineering MIL who insisted in being present at their home birth (my friend is sweet natured and like you didn't want to rock the boat). She ended up spending the majority of her labour locked in the darkened downstairs loo hiding from her MIL who was pretty much hosting a tea party in the living room!

+1 for having pets at the birth-our cat was very attentive in all my labours and was a lovely calming influence...I'd definitely take him over my mother (who would freak out) or my MIL (who would try to tell me why I was doing it wrong)

All the best for your birth
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