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12-10-2011, 22:00   #1
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Long distance...second chances?

So I'm in a bit of a dilema and I'm hoping for some advice;

I've known this guy for 8 years. There has always been an attraction there on both sides and while we have hooked up through the years on several occasions we were never properly a couple.

Then last November I met him again, and I fell for him. But the big problem was that he was soon moving to the US with work for a year (I live in Europe)...however despite the distance we gave it a go. He moved away in January, came back in March, I went over in June and he was coming back to be bestman for his brothers wedding in Aug.

The trip in March went great, but tm trip to the US in June didn't...firstly because he couldn't get any time of work (meaning I was alone most of the time) and secondly because I had a serious car accident while I was there - half way through the holiday, my rental car got rammed and I was incredibly lucky to get out alive.

As time for the August visit approached I will openly admit that I freaked out for a number of reasons.
1. I'm terrified of committment and the thought of meeting his family for the first time at a family wedding terrified me.
2. I was just getting over major knee surgery - I had just spent 5 weeks sitting on my own unable to get out of the house and mild depression had set in.
3. Because of injury I couldn't exercise and had put on a good bit of weight since we last met and lets just say self confidence wasn't on a high.

I broke it off with him in Aug (by email, I didn't see him at all) because for a few reasons....yes becuase I freaked out, but mainly becuase he knew I was recovering from surgery, had already been in the country for 9 days and still hadn't come to see me (2hrs drive away). It just didn't add up as he was always saying how much he loved me and how he couldn't wait to see me but didn't bother driving 2 hrs to come.....in truth I wasn't sure I loved him, and never told him I did. I asked him why he hadn't come to see me, he said he was busy with the wedding stuff and family and didn't have enough time. He had planned that I would come and spend the last 4 days of his holiday with him at the wedding/at his parents house. Not good enough I thought. I now hear that he will be in the US for another year.

So, its 6 weeks later and I haven't heard from him since. I've thought about him every day...I miss him and have realised that I love him and am at a stage where I can tell him that.

What do I do? Should I let it be and go our seperate ways....after all he will be in a different country for another year. Or do I make the call and tell him I was a fool to end it and that I love him....knowing that we spent very little time together before he moved....does it make sense to hang on and wait for his return?

As a bit of background; I am 30, he is 32. I don't have massive experience in relationships and due to a sexual assault in my youth I have big problems with committment, emotional intimacy and not being independent. We have been sexually intimate with eachother with no issues.

all help gratefully received!
confusedIam is offline  
13-10-2011, 10:04   #2
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Originally Posted by confusedIam View Post
...all help gratefully received!
sorry OP, but i think you're barking up the wrong tree with this one.

who buggers about with menus, confetti, suit hire and photographers when the girlfriend they've not seen for 2 months has a serious accident 2 hours down the road?

keep asking yourself that question, and eventually you'll get to the answer 'someone who doesn't have a girlfriend - or someone you don't want as a boyfriend'.

harsh OP, and i'm sorry to put it like this, but this guy either doesn't give the smallest mouse poo about you, or does, and has a very odd set of values.

neither of which, i'd suggest, are indicators of a long and happy relationship.
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13-10-2011, 11:00   #3
I am a friend
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Op I'm sorry but he hasn't said he wants a second chance. his actions speak louder than wOrds and why would you chase someone who won't even come 2 hours down the road to see you. Come on... You know you deserve better. Mind yourself, concentrate on getting better and let him off.
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13-10-2011, 12:46   #4
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This isn't a relationship at all. You don't even stay with him when you go all the way to the States twice in a year to visit him? He can't be bothered to spend time with you when you travel across the Atlantic to see him, or when you have a car accident? Is he even single?

I wonder whether your attraction for this detached (both mentally and physically) man is because of your issues over intimacy.
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13-10-2011, 20:45   #5
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Good God, please see this for what it is.

I spent 8 years in an on/off with a guy (long distance) and got totally burned at the start of the year. I knew in my heart it wasn't right but I loved him and hung in there.

You are not a priority in his life the way he is in yours.

It isn't right and I think, like myself, deep down you know that.

By all means carry on as you are, but my guess is once you end 'it', he won't be fighting to get back into your life and affections. I'm sorry
sunflower27 is offline  
13-10-2011, 22:40   #6
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Originally Posted by I am a friend View Post
His actions speak louder than words and why would you chase someone who won't even come 2 hours down the road to see you.
^^ This.

He wasn't exactly bowled over with enthusiasm when you were supposedly together so what do you think will change in the future? Leopards don't change their spots.
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14-10-2011, 15:49   #7
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Guys you are totally right - I knew it wasn't right and breaking up was the right thing to do. It is still the right thing. I am worth more than that.

Guess its just missing the attention/having someone in my life resulting in the thoughts that having someone is better than having no one. Onwards and upwards as they say....!

Hearing an unbiased opinion from strangers makes it very clear...Sincere thanks to all who answered. I really do appreciate it.
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