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Girlfriend might be pregnant.

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  • 17-11-2009 5:02pm
    #1
    please help
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5 ✭


    Hi, Im 22 & my gf is 25, been together for more than 3 years & love each other to bits. She missed her p's it seems & we're getting a test to be certain about it. But I just wanted some more advice on whether or not to...

    As I said we love each other, totally committed, have always seen each other as parents together & having a family. But Im just starting my career, have been through a very tough time for the last while, as far as I can remember, but things seem to be getting better, not at the rate Id wish but slowly getting somewhat better. And to be honest, Im not ready and so isnt she. But she wants to have the baby and would not consider any other option. On the other hand, I've been out of a job for the last 10 months, seem to have a job coming up but not a 100%! So obvioulsy my worries are about the baby, its future, the quality of life the baby will have and what will our life be & how would it affect our relationship. I have told her I'l be with her no matter what she decides, as she has the final say in this. But I've also told her about how I feel in a roundabout way, I will try to make it clear tonight that I think it'll be better for all of us not to go ahead with the pregnancy. But Im afraid she might'nt listen and just do what she wants. She is in a very good job, stable and well paid, but the employer wont pay maternity leave. Anyways, I know I'l stand with her if she wants to go ahead and have the baby, but I am not sure about the consequences. I really dont want it to put strain on our relationship. How can I talk to her positively about my feelings so she doesnt think like this man is here for just the fun and he is not committed or she might feel alone, that Im not in this with her. I know one thing we both dont want, is a few years down the line we turn into bitter people because of our action in the next few weeks & loose the love we have for each other. Im the type of person who would encourage my gf to sit back & relax after having kids, look after them, try to bond with them instead of working full time, maybe work part time if she feels she wants to get away from everything. And obviously support my whole family finacially and provide for her and the kids. An old fashioned/ traditional mindset is what I have when it comes to things like this. So naturally my system is in shock that I cant do all this right now, I know she obviously has her own amibitions about life so cant disregard that. Oh god, Im lost.

    Also, what are the options to abort, its probably very early stages. I just dont know what to do, I dont want our one decision to decide our whole future, and I dont want to upset her. I love her and really want kids with her, but not right now, at a stage where we can handle everything a bit better, when I probably have a stable job with good prospects or even have our own place. Renting at the moment. I feel so ill equipped for this, just scared that if she goes ahead with it, how will things be. Any advice or words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated. And I know people might say get a test first and then start worrying, but please imagine we did the test and then advice. I hope its negative, lets see. And if she does go ahead with it, I will do the best I can, and strive for a strong relationship as a family. Needless to say that I'l be there, but my worry is that myself or her might in a few years think things could have been a lot better if...


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    #2
    4zn76tysfajdxp
    Closed Accounts Posts: 27,944 ✭✭✭✭4zn76tysfajdxp


    Moved from After Hours. I'm guessing that you would get more helpful replies here, OP.


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    #3
    kjl
    Registered Users Posts: 3,127 ✭✭✭kjl


    no matter what, an abortion will make you feel worse.

    All children need is love, and every father is terrified about being able to look after their child, but everyone manages it. (well the vast majority)

    You partner is not a child, and neither are you, you have to live up to your responsibilities.

    and in the end of the day, its you OH's choice, so put up and shut up

    You should be delighted


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    #4
    Seamu$
    Registered Users Posts: 606 ✭✭✭Seamu$


    please help wrote: »
    So obvioulsy my worries are about the baby, its future, the quality of life the baby will have

    I think you answered your own question there. If you're worried about the babys future you should ensure it has one. You're 22 & 25, not 14, it's not the end of the world. Life will change but it mightn't be as bad as you think. Babies bring parents alot of joy.....go with it.


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    #5
    coffee_cake
    Moderators, Category Moderators, Politics Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 81,309 CMod ✭✭✭✭coffee_cake


    kjl wrote: »
    no matter what, an abortion will make you feel worse.
    you have no way of knowing this so why be so unhelpful
    All children need is love
    That sounds lovely and all, but they also need food, clothing, and so do the parents. And a roof over their heads, etc.
    All of which needs money and preferably jobs
    You should be delighted
    Telling someone in a crisis pregnancy "they should be delighted"? would you cop on? :confused:

    OP you will need to sit down adn explain your fears and worries while making it clear you'll stay to support her. The fact you ARE worrying for your future sholud reassure her you're not just in it for the fun. Bear in mind anyone going through this will have freaked out too, and coped one way or another :)
    check positiveoptions.ie and other such wesbites for advice too.

    good luck !


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    #6
    John Mason
    Hosted Moderators Posts: 10,661 ✭✭✭✭John Mason


    kjl wrote: »
    no matter what, an abortion will make you feel worse.


    You have no idea if this will be the case or not :mad:

    OP you and gf need to speak to a professional about this, there is a list at the top of the page here (i think).

    but you need to be completely honest with your gf in a very non-aggressive way.

    sit down talk calmly, like adults

    its a hard decision but you two seem close and YOU will make the decision that is right for the two of you


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    #7
    GismoBaby
    Registered Users Posts: 226 ✭✭GismoBaby


    a baby will change your life forever but not necessarily for the worse.

    ya a baby needs love more than it needs a posh house or designer clothes and runners of course nappies and things cost money but its not going to put you in debt! 30 - 40 quid a week will nappy and feed a new baby! thats not that unmanageable!

    i have 2 kids that i raise on my own, ive worked for 11 years earning about 20 - 25 k a year, bought my own house, own my own car.
    this year ive returned to college in a different county, am renting a house now also and im still surviving. my kids dont wear designer clothes but they most certainly arent in rags! up until now i got little or no help from the social.

    you CAN DO THIS even if you think your not ready. there really is no such thing as the right time to have a baby.

    obviously if you could get your job and have your house and let your girlfriend only work part time that would be great for you but in reality there are very few people who can support a family on one wage. and for her own sanity your gf probaby will want to return to work, for adult interaction more than for the extra money!

    just relax and see what the test says. you could be worried about nothing. but if it turns out to be positive just something to consider... you will never feel anything like the feeling when the doctor puts that wee baby in your arms and says daddy its your turn for a cuddle. at that moment in time nothing else in the world wil matter only the 3 of you in that room feeling all the love. everything has a funny way of falling into place.

    best of luck op i wish you the very best and this is not the end of your life as you know it x


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    #8
    dublingal80
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,540 ✭✭✭dublingal80


    firstly, as you have said, you need to do a test. you could completely be over reacting for no reason at all. Has she done one yet.

    Secondly, if it is positive the two of you need to sit down and discuss the options, of having it and of not. Tell her all your reasons why you feel its not the right time, with you not working and her employer not paying maternity leave and what ever other reasons you have and then she can tell you all the reasons why she wants to have one and hopefully you can come to a joint decision.

    I think its going to be very difficult for you to change your OHs mind from having a baby to having a termination because its a HUGE deal!

    myself and my oh had a slip there a while ago, condom broke, morning after pill didnt work and i found myself pregnant. due to medication im on, I wastold DONT get pregnant so I was devestated as the baby would have sevear deformaties. I didnt know what to do. I had an appointment for the Marie Stopes clinic which you can discuss a termination with and they can arrange everything for you in england, but a week later I had a miscarriage. Even though I feel like everything worked out the way it was supposed to, and even though myself and my OH had thought a termination might be best for us due to the complications, I was still very emotional and upset when I lost it. Hormones all over the place

    Sit with her and discuss it. The fact that you are madly in love is one HUGE plus for this baby. It will grow in a loving family which is brilliant

    Best of luck


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    #9
    MIN2511
    Registered Users Posts: 5,398 ✭✭✭MIN2511


    Is she pregnant?


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    #10
    opinion guy
    Closed Accounts Posts: 11,001 ✭✭✭✭opinion guy


    please help wrote: »
    She is in a very good job, stable and well paid, but the employer wont pay maternity leave.

    Um the employer most certainly will pay maternity leave. Why ? because its majorly MAJORLY illegal not to. Its 2009 you know! (hmmm unless she's a temp or something.)
    Im the type of person who would encourage my gf to sit back & relax after having kids, look after them, try to bond with them instead of working full time, maybe work part time if she feels she wants to get away from everything. And obviously support my whole family finacially and provide for her and the kids. An old fashioned/ traditional mindset is what I have when it comes to things like this.

    Seriously come on now. Its 2009. She's makes good money. Update your attitude. You can support your whole family by looking after the kids and thereby facilitating you girlfriend to go earn some hard cash. Maybe you can work part time if you feel you want to get away from everything. Really I find this attitude on your part somewhat shocking in this day and age. In this jobmarket you take what you can get and you support each other in that. If that means letting your partner be the bread winner for a couple of years and you relaxing and looking after kids (relaxing, u think?!?!?!) then so be it.

    I feel so ill equipped for this, just scared that if she goes ahead with it, how will things be.

    Normal reaction regardless of preparation.
    And I know people might say get a test first and then start worrying, but please imagine we did the test and then advice.

    Get a test. Hmmm me wonders about your motives in posting this. I wonder if maybe this is something you've had on your mind for a while given the careers situation and the current little possible-crisis is crystallising those thoughts. Get a test and stop wondering.
    Needless to say that I'l be there, but my worry is that myself or her might in a few years think things could have been a lot better if...
    Thats a cop-out. You can always second guess everything in life. You could just as easily be looking back and saying it was the best thing ever. There's no predicting it.


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    #11
    symbolwoman
    Closed Accounts Posts: 19 ✭symbolwoman


    Hi OP

    It seems that you have gotten yourself really worked up over something that might not even be happening.

    If the test comes back positive then both you and your partner will have something concrete to consider.

    If she doesn't want an abortion then there is not a whole lot you can do to change her mind about that..its her body etc.

    Remember that going off on a mad rant at her about this really isn't the best move. She can very well head for the hills and take care of the bambino alone leaving you heartbroken, islolated out of your childs life and still paying the child support bill. So take it easy with you insistance that she gets an abortion.

    At the end of the day you are mad about the girl maybe the baby will give you a sense of family together.Could be a chance to put all the tough times behind you and start a new chapter in your life.


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    #12
    emmiou
    Registered Users Posts: 145 ✭✭emmiou


    "
    opinion guy wrote: »
    Um the employer most certainly will pay maternity leave. Why ? because its majorly MAJORLY illegal not to. Its 2009 you know! (hmmm unless she's a temp or something.)"

    I think you are confusing the right to take to take maternity leave with the right to be paid during such leave. Employers are not obliged to pay women on maternity leave. She may be entitled to Maternity Benefit which is a Department of Social and Family Affairs payment.


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    #13
    mood
    Registered Users Posts: 4,264 ✭✭✭mood


    First thing first - you need to know if she is pregnant or not and take it from there.

    If she is you both have a lot to think and talk about.

    If not you need to be more careful in future.

    You could be worried over nothing.


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    #14
    opinion guy
    Closed Accounts Posts: 11,001 ✭✭✭✭opinion guy


    emmiou wrote: »
    I think you are confusing the right to take to take maternity leave with the right to be paid during such leave. Employers are not obliged to pay women on maternity leave. She may be entitled to Maternity Benefit which is a Department of Social and Family Affairs payment.

    Um....now that you say that you could well be right!

    Wait .....quick googling.....
    http://www.citizensinformation.ie/categories/employment/employment-rights-and-conditions/leave-and-holidays/maternity_leave

    yeah you are right. Apologies. My bad!


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    #15
    SarahSassy
    Registered Users Posts: 3,145 ✭✭✭SarahSassy


    Op at the end of the day, the baby is a little bit of you and a little bit of her.... How bad can it be? You will get by and as a previous poster said - its love a baby needs not possessions.


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    #16
    xcarriex
    Closed Accounts Posts: 129 ✭✭xcarriex


    OP as someone who was in that situation I 100% urge you to go to a crisis pregnancy counceller,
    Me and my BF had very different views, I didn’t want it, he did, he is in college, im working and I just was not having the baby it wasn’t an option, I have posted a couple of times about this experience, we went to Cura and we seen this lady and she was AMAZING non-judgemental non everything when I left I start opening my mind to a lot of options, if that isnt an option speak to a friend, I also did this and now im enjoying my little secret,
    Really just talk to your girlfriend, I know that seems the better option, but consider what your GF would be putting herself through, its time to be 100% open and honest with each other!
    Good Luck OP!


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    #17
    please help
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5 ✭please help


    Hi all,

    Some really sound advice yous have given, thank you very much! Has put my mind to ease. As for the test, we done it last night, but it didnt seem to work right! Arrgghh! Anyways, Im going to get another one for her so will do again soon & find out if there is a baby about to be born in 9 months. I am sure I will be going ahead with it, I would not put her through an abortion, the side affects related to it & everything. And she says there is no right time to have a baby, we could be in the same situation 3 years from now & I could be thinking the exact same thing!! So that makes sense to me. It is 50% because of my actions we're in this situation so Im not going to land this on her. Im going to give it my all and hope for the best. No one knows whats going to happen tomorrow, never mind 3-4 years. The things all of you have said make so much sense, I guess it was the shock talking within me that I got all worked up about it. But I have thought about it & read every comment more than once.

    She strongly disagrees with taking the right of life away from an unborn child, I will stand by her in this(if she is indeed pregnant) and make sure I can provide for them! One poster was in disagreement with my old fashioned attitude about looking after my family in the financial sense all on my own & encouraging my girl to relax & not work if she does not want to. Although I appreciate your comments & I know things have changed in this day & age, but I was brought up that way & would like to stick to my beliefs and attitude, ofcourse if it is at all possible to do so.

    I will definitely come on here and post about the results. Im excited now, happy as well. And guys do you know what, there is no talking to my babe once she has made up her mind about something, she is so strong headed and independant she would ask me to **** off and rightly so!! So I'll just do my part and hope things land in their place!

    Thanks again everyone! Im not going to put her through something like that, I'l just give her all the love I can, so if things arent so rosy after all, atleast she will know I stuck with her through thick & thin! Its amazing how one day you're just a teenager and then all of a sudden you just grow up! But Im glad I have her, she is the best thing that happened to me! Fingers crossed now, hopefully I get this job & everything falls in place!

    Thanks guys!


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    #18
    dublingal80
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,540 ✭✭✭dublingal80


    im delighted to hear you are starting to think more positively about it all. Regarding pregnancy tests, a brilliant poster told me to do it first thing in the morning. So get your girlfriend the test and get her to do it the minute she gets up, its when there are the most hormones in the urine, and the test will be accurate.

    Best of luck :)


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    #19
    Bottle_of_Smoke
    Registered Users Posts: 9,770 ✭✭✭Bottle_of_Smoke


    please help wrote: »
    Hi all,

    One poster was in disagreement with my old fashioned attitude about looking after my family in the financial sense all on my own & encouraging my girl to relax & not work if she does not want to. Although I appreciate your comments & I know things have changed in this day & age, but I was brought up that way & would like to stick to my beliefs and attitude, ofcourse if it is at all possible to do so.

    I'd definitely recommend considering being the housefather if she makes more money than you.
    Also, if you get this job it wont be secure for a year, and after that the company could shut down/move abroad. Don't let old fashioned beliefs get in the way of logic and your childs future


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    #20
    opinion guy
    Closed Accounts Posts: 11,001 ✭✭✭✭opinion guy


    I guess it was the shock talking within me that I got all worked up about it.

    Yeah I figured. Like I said - normal panic reaction.
    One poster was in disagreement with my old fashioned attitude about looking after my family in the financial sense all on my own & encouraging my girl to relax & not work if she does not want to. Although I appreciate your comments & I know things have changed in this day & age, but I was brought up that way & would like to stick to my beliefs and attitude, ofcourse if it is at all possible to do so.

    If you are going to be a dad you need to be pragmatic. Don't get me wrong I understand the desire to provide but fixed attitudes about stuff like this are not going to serve you. Besides, you might discover you like being a house-dad. However, I'm still stunned by your assumption that staying at home is the relaxing option!!


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    #21
    dublingal80
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,540 ✭✭✭dublingal80


    well did she take the pregnancy test?


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    #22
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    GismoBaby wrote: »
    a baby will change your life forever but not necessarily for the worse.

    ya a baby needs love more than it needs a posh house or designer clothes and runners of course nappies and things cost money but its not going to put you in debt! 30 - 40 quid a week will nappy and feed a new baby! thats not that unmanageable!

    i have 2 kids that i raise on my own, ive worked for 11 years earning about 20 - 25 k a year, bought my own house, own my own car.
    this year ive returned to college in a different county, am renting a house now also and im still surviving. my kids dont wear designer clothes but they most certainly arent in rags! up until now i got little or no help from the social.

    you CAN DO THIS even if you think your not ready. there really is no such thing as the right time to have a baby.

    obviously if you could get your job and have your house and let your girlfriend only work part time that would be great for you but in reality there are very few people who can support a family on one wage. and for her own sanity your gf probaby will want to return to work, for adult interaction more than for the extra money!

    just relax and see what the test says. you could be worried about nothing. but if it turns out to be positive just something to consider... you will never feel anything like the feeling when the doctor puts that wee baby in your arms and says daddy its your turn for a cuddle. at that moment in time nothing else in the world wil matter only the 3 of you in that room feeling all the love. everything has a funny way of falling into place.

    best of luck op i wish you the very best and this is not the end of your life as you know it x


    Seriously this nearly brought tears to my eyes. Such a lovely way of looking at things.


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    #23
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    xcarriex wrote: »
    I have posted a couple of times about this experience, we went to Cura and we seen this lady and she was AMAZING non-judgemental non everything when I left I start opening my mind to a lot of options, if that isnt an option speak to a friend, I also did this and now im enjoying my little secret,

    You had the baby then???


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    #24
    please help
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5 ✭please help


    I wanted to get the test for her last night but unfortunately the pharmacy was closed! I know its best to take it in the mornings so I'l get one tonight & we'l do it tomorrow morning! I just said to her we dont even need to take one now! :)

    But, great news, this morning I got a call from the place where I applied for a job & had interviews & assessments over the last month, they said everything is approved & they wanted me to start on the 22nd monday, next week, but I told them I cant I have plans for my girlfriends birthday! They were fine, so I am starting on the 30th instead! I have wanted this job for the last 2 years! I cannot believe I finally got it.we both are over the moon.

    So that puts me at more ease in the situation! I feel a lot better than a few days ago!

    Thanks everyone again, I will definitely be coming to post on here about the results! Thanks for taking the time! Good luck to you all!


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    #25
    please help
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5 ✭please help


    Hi all,

    I got a test for her last night & we tested this morning. Not pregnant, so we know that she is definitely not pregnant now. I dont know whats going on with her hormones and cycles. Seem to worry me a bit, so I have asked her to set an appointment with a doctor to discuss everything.

    But thank you everyone, it was good to come on here & get all the advice!


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    #26
    mood
    Registered Users Posts: 4,264 ✭✭✭mood


    That's great. It could just due to stress. Maybe you should go to doctor/family planning clinic with her to discuss other methods of contraception to avoid this in the future.


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    #27
    SarahSassy
    Registered Users Posts: 3,145 ✭✭✭SarahSassy


    Best of luck with your new job and for the future...


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    #28
    jmbkay
    Registered Users Posts: 376 ✭✭jmbkay


    It might be a good ides to test again, if theres no sign of a period. Good luck for the future.


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