Still rate my ex....unfortunatly!!!!

LegacyUser · 19-03-2009 8:48pm #1

ok, here is my problem. i know if i was to read this myself, my advice would be to move on, over time things will change etc etc....i know this has come up a million times in here as well but just wanna say what im feeling

broke up with my ex 7/8 months ago, well to be more precise she finished it. we where going out for nearly 5 years. anyway my problem is that even though she hurt me by finishing things i still think she is a decent person. im not stupid enough to think she was perfect or anything but unfortunatly for me i do think she was very kind, friendly, hot and smart.

i have been with a few girls since we have broke up but none of them have those same qualities which i loved in my ex. as stupid as this sounds, i think every girl i meet is gonna fall short compared to her. i dont wanna be real picky and rule out every girl i meet because i think i had better before, i just think i may never find someone with all those things which i liked in the ex.

i know how silly this sounds, but that is just what i am feeling, anyone ever felt something similar?

star-pants · 19-03-2009 9:08pm

Actually it is fairly normal to compare someone new/potential to what you fell for in the past. It's familiar and comforting and something you know you click with. But as you said, don't rule out girls just because they're not exactly the same as your ex.
I've done this - seeing potentials and going 'naahh, they're not like X' (in my head). But sometimes you need to go for the one whos not like your ex, they could be even better for you. It's hard to not compare them, especially if you guys had been together for 5 years. All you can do is try and not do that, and just give other girls a chance -- see where that leads you

LegacyUser · 19-03-2009 10:14pm

I have been through something similar some yrs ago & the worst for me is that it is still ongoing.. I wish I could say my ex was a b****x, asshole etc but he is a v v decent person. He is currently with someone else & yes I do wish him well part of me often wishes we where still together (he broke it off after 5yrs).
R u still in love with her? if so take a step bk & get to know urself again, don;t be runnin in2 other relationships that u r not ready for.

All the best & hope it all goes well

LegacyUser · 19-03-2009 10:57pm

i dunno if im still in love with her, i dont think so, im angry at her cause she knew i loved her but that still wasn't enough, but i can also understand the reasons behind her calling it a day. so there is a range of emotions i feel for her.

that aside though, i know the person she is, she finds it very hard to hurt anyone, she is kind, she is very friendly, she is attractive and she is smart.

i just dont know another girl who is like her and i hope long term, my feelings for her dont prevent me from getting with someone else.

i try to concentrate on the issues we had and the reasons why we broke up so that i can move on but unfortunatly the overriding emotion is that i really did like her

LegacyUser · 19-03-2009 11:33pm

Me again, your emotions are the exact same I felt. My ex was/is an amazing person & do still feel angry that I wasn't enough.

My head got so messed up so I went travelling for a year. This worked as a temp solution & me putting him on a pedestal has hindered me progressing into other meaningful relationships.

Unfortunatly I can't say there is a quick fix or an easy answer. I just hope that you move on better than I did & try & accept that every person is unique & no one will possess the same traits as her but that mightn't be a bad thing cos they could have some that she never did.

af_thefragile · 20-03-2009 12:21am

I hated my ex after the breakup cuz it ended quite tragically and she really really hurt me right after the breakup. Well, she started dating another guy immediately after the breakup calling it a rebound...
I constantly referred to her as a bitch and all.

But then she wasn't really a bitch. She was just young and immature. But she was also the nicest person i had been with. Not just nice to me but like just genuinely nice person (reason why many of her douchy guy friends were waiting for us to break up so they could have a chance with her!). She was just plain, simple and a little stupid, but cute! Like she was the closest girl to my perfect girl. She had just the right personality and we got along really really well. So..... I still have fears i won't be able to find another girl who could be better than her.

But then as the guy says in the movie The Shawshank Redemption, "Hope is a good thing", so it is... and you hope someday you find a girl whom you can once again feel that special connection with. Who can make you totally forget about your past and you can love that person enormously.

Haven't found that aforementioned person yet... But then again, hope is a good thing!!

BarnhallBull · 20-03-2009 1:44am

Hi OP, my first serious relationship ended after about a year when my GF suddenly turned around one day and said she didn't have any feelings for me anymore. We were young, but it still really hurt. At the time I felt exactly like you, that she had all these qualities that no other girl could possibly posess. For a good 9 months to a year I was down about it and thought no other girl could match up to her.

I "got back on the wagon" by going out with a friend of a friend once or twice, she wasn't amazing but she was nice, she made me think that other girls can have the qualities my old GF had, I just had to find them.

I was very lucky that the next girl I met turned out to be amazing and we fell in love, i'm not naive enough to think that happens to everyone, but just so you know it CAN happen, just give it time, you'll find someone else.

Chin up;)

Wagon · 20-03-2009 10:52am

Focus on all her bad points and magnify them. Forget all the crap about her being nice. A good dose of temporary hatred/dislike will work well as it'll just fade into indifference and you won't care anymore. I know exactly where you've coming from with this and it's a crappy experience. By any chance, are you still trying to do the "friends" thing?

LegacyUser · 20-03-2009 2:55pm

funny you should say that wagon, cause ye we have kept in contact, very briefly mind you, but ye...i still know whats going on with her and vice versa. we had alot of friends who we both met together, rather than them being my friends or her friends. so sometimes they are out with her, sometimes they are out with me and i end up hearing stuff.

like i said before, i try to focus on the bad stuff about her, unfortunatly the overriding emotion is i know she is a decent person

Wagon · 20-03-2009 4:48pm

ex09 wrote: »

funny you should say that wagon, cause ye we have kept in contact, very briefly mind you, but ye...i still know whats going on with her and vice versa. we had alot of friends who we both met together, rather than them being my friends or her friends. so sometimes they are out with her, sometimes they are out with me and i end up hearing stuff.

like i said before, i try to focus on the bad stuff about her, unfortunatly the overriding emotion is i know she is a decent person

Well, it's certainly going to make the whole process more difficult. Even brief contact is all that is needed to bring those memories back. Delete the phone number, email account, facebook/bebo account and pretty much all memories of her, including pictures and give any stuff that you may have borrowed from her. Remove as many reminders as possible.

Ask your mates to lay off the topic for the time being and that you don't want to talk about it. No harm in that. Hearing stories of what your ex is doing and who she is doing isn't something anyone would like. Again bud, personal experience talking so I know the feeling. Completely cutting off contact isn't a bad thing, especially when it was her who did the dumping. She'll naturally get past it quicker. I'm going out on a limb here and am going to assume she gave the option to be friends after she dumped you. This is to ease her guilt. Being friends with the ex rarely ever works and if you find yourself still thinking about her then it's time to stop being nice and think of yourself.

Anyway, there's my take on it and what i think is the best way to sort out your head. Take it or leave it

Come back if you need more advice. There's a lot of people smarter than me here. Best of luck

MeowXyz · 21-03-2009 4:58am

There are other girls like her.

FACT.

SheRa · 10-04-2009 2:42pm

OP I dont even think that you are in the right place mentally to go out with someone else. And whats the hurry? Sometimes the worst thing to do can be to go straight from one relationship to another.

How about taking time to enjoy your own company and do the hobbies that make you happy. It might sound weird, but until you are happy being by yourself and doing your own thing and not craving another girlfriend, you will not be ready for a new relationship.

LegacyUser · 10-04-2009 3:56pm

Op its a classic problem, you dont want to think bad about her and shes still wonderful, mainly because you still have feeling for her.

id say that your not ready to engage in another relationship yet, you need more time, my ex broke up suddenly with me after over 5 years usually crap i love you but im not in love with you -- total cop out. it took me over a year to entertain a proper relationship after that.

5 years is a long time to be with someone, even now 2 years later i still think about her with mixed emotion, i think of the plans we had and the fact that after stringing me along for six months (space) she told me she wasnt coming back to me and was bedding another man within a month.

you need to go no contact , otherwise it will do your head in, that means no texts ,calls , checking out network sights or just happening to be near where she works , if you keep scratching a wound it will never heal.

concentrate on yourself , be good to yourself and go easy on yourself , your going through a hard time, and it will take time.

you need to let go and take her off the pedestal, in my case i realised that she was immature and led me on at the end , even though she knew that the longer it went on the worse it would be for me. You gave her the best you had and that wasnt good enough for her, she didnt fight to save a love that you thought would last forever.

try to push her out of your mind , stay busy, improve yourself and enjoy yourself.

my ex brought me to my knees , she once said im sorry for breaking you, i replied you didnt break me you just brought me to my knees, since then i have improved myself , enjoyed myself and i am a better and stronger man as a result of it all---- too good for her .

you too will move on Op but you have to work at it , it will make you stronger when you come out the other side, and you will find someone better, someone who will fight for your love and not someone who runs at the first sign of turbulance .

good luck and stay strong.

LegacyUser · 12-04-2009 3:38pm

op here, just realised that there was new replies to this thread, good to read, thanks. considering last night i wasn't doing anything and i started to think/miss my ex loads, you are dead right last poster, i do still have feelings for her. i probably do still put her on a pedestal a bit, only cause i know deep down she is a genuinely nice person who didnt want to hurt me but wasnt happy.

for me personally though, i know i need to try to take her off that pedestal, remember the reasons we broke up, push thoughts of her out of my head etc.....i just cant seem to stop them. i hope these feelings go away at some stage, just doesn't seem like they will. will this great relationship i once had forever hold me back....bloody feels like it!!!!!

Still rate my ex....unfortunatly!!!!

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