presence and Significance, how can i gain them?

LegacyUser · 27-09-2008 2:25am #1

I'm sick and absolutely tired of being invisible to everyone around me. Its like i've got no significance at all. I feel small, tiny and insignificant compared to everyone around me.

I've got zero social and conversational skills which has dragged down my confidence and has further made me feel more insignificant among all the people around me.

yeah, well, sorry for that little outburst. But its just how i've been all my life. I see people who're surrounded by people all the time. Or evertime they enter or leave a room, everyone notices. While with me its always been the case of i could walk right through the middle of the crowd and still no one would notice me. And this is me mr. unpopular.

Now, its not the whole popularity thing that bugs me. Its just the whole feeling of insignificance. I feel i can't accomplish anything significant in my life ever. I've never been able to complete anything i started all along. I've always been poor at sports and social activities, always coming last n all. I've always been poor with making friends. I pretty much suck at all the things i love to do. Like art/drawing, yeah i suck at that! I've never managed to complete a single song i've set out to write in my life (i like music too). I've never managed to make a relationship last more than a couple of months. I've never actually even managed to get to know a girl i liked n make friends with her.

So this is what i feel i am. A complete screwup built to be a screw up. I've also got a certain speech impediment which makes me words hard to understand, leaving me awfully embarrassed a lot of times. Hence i've ended up as the quite loner... cuz if i open my mouth, the words aren't clear anyway and i end up embarrassing myself more.

Then i'm also clumsy. I feel i look weird too. I'm pretty small (bout 5'5") and underweight so pretty much everyone is taller n bigger than me. I just can't get myself to feel business. Never!! No matter how hard i try to groom myself. I feel i'm still that small, tiny, awfully clumsy n weird little thing.

All this makes me feel insignificant. I wish i could have the confident to walk upto people n strike conversations at a match, or have the presence when i go somewhere people can notice me n come n talk to me. Instead of me having going upto the people i know all the time trying to fire conversations that hardly last.

And i'm trying to change. I wanna change this. I'm desperate. I can't live this way anymore. I'm sick and tired of being a loser and i know if i continue like this i'll never be able to live the life i've always dreamt of.
But i just can't seem to be able to be the person i wanna be. No matter how hard i try. I mess up. Or no one cares! I make friends, i lose them in less than a couple of weeks. We stop hanging around n they stop inviting me to anything. At this stage i've literally got no proper friends in college. While everyone's hanging around in there little group, you'll always find me by myself in some little corner of the room trying to keep myself occupied and look like i'm doing some important work on my laptop. Just to make sure i don't come off as a complete loser!

Now i think i have improved a lot since who i was say a year ago. I think i carry myself much better now n i'm less clumsy. But i still can't speak clearly and i've still got no friends n zero social skills. Its my absolute worst nightmare to find myself living this way for the rest of my life.

I really really wanna change. I wanna become that strong, powerful person whom everyone can feel the presence of and whom everyone likes and wanna hang out with.

I'm soooooooooo far away from that.

It even feels so unbelievably stupid and unrealistic to even think of me being that person right now... all i can do is laugh or cry!

All in short, if you don't wanna read the whole thing.

Yes, its yet another zero confidence, no social life, no friends story. I feel i was born a failure and i've never managed to complete or achieve anything significant in my life. I'm also very very very dissatisfied by my physical appearance and the personality i put out. I wanna be the guy with presence n personality, whom everyone notices n wants to be with (sounds cheesy, yeah!), and i'm soooooo far away from that, its just feels tooooo unrealistic n well... sad!!

So any advice on how i can set to become the person i wanna be would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks a lot.

MugMugs · 27-09-2008 2:48am

1. You cant change your physical make up. Thats the way you are and thats the way it is.

You can however gain physical strenght if you really want to. Play a sport. Dont even play a sport, train with a local rugby team or GAA team.... whatever takes your fancy.

Go to a Gym and under expert advice and supervision work your body to generate muscle and in turn strenght.

2. Your interpersonal skills are not a total loss

You have proved this by the fact that you can initiate a relationship. Women dont go out with somebody on a whim and from that it is quite evident that you have appealing traits. Identify these and work on them.

Accept yourself for what you are. You are unique and special in your own way. Why would you want to be something your not ?

You come across very young. Maybe you need a confidence boost. Why not join a local Toastmasters club ? They are a welcoming group of people and deal with public speaking. Perhaps you could attempt a song and relay it via poetry to them ? You wont be heckled but you will receive a lot of support and this in itself will be a start to coming out of your shell.

The next time your in a public situation, let yourself be known but not overbearing. Dont be knocked at the first hurdle. Get up, dust yourself off and go for it again.

If you want to help yourself then you need to work at this.\

Dont change yourself for people but engage yourself with other people for yourself !

You have the start of it, now see it through and finish it.

daveharnett · 27-09-2008 3:11am

Presence starts with self esteem, which is extrordinarily hard to fake convincingly. I know it sounds like a catch 22 - how do you develop self esteem when people dismiss you like you describe?

DO NOT hang your self worth on what other people think of you. You are who you are, people can like you or not like you, that's up to them. Once you get that straight, things will fall into place.

Zillah · 27-09-2008 10:33am

Have you had any sort of therapy for the speech impediment?

LegacyUser · 27-09-2008 1:33pm

Zillah wrote: »

Have you had any sort of therapy for the speech impediment?

No actually.
I don't even know what to do to improve my speech and make it more clear.

And thanks for the replies. Some really good points there that should help.
I guess i don't have much high self esteem either so its gonna be pretty tough to build up that.

I don't really have much of a problem with public speaking. My main problem is social speaking. Like i can't really keep up conversations with anyone for long so thats why i find it really hard to get along with anyone...

JuliusCaesar · 27-09-2008 8:13pm

iaminvisible wrote: »

No actually.
I don't even know what to do to improve my speech and make it more clear.

Ask your GP to refer you to a Speech Therapist?

iaminvisible wrote: »

I guess i don't have much high self esteem either so its gonna be pretty tough to build up that.

Get some good books on this - Overcoming Low Self-Esteem by Melanie Fennel, or SelfEsteem by McKay & Fanning. Order them over the internet if you don't want to get them at a bookshop. Or see a good therapist!

iaminvisible wrote: »

My main problem is social speaking. Like i can't really keep up conversations with anyone for long so thats why i find it really hard to get along with anyone...

This is probably related to the self-esteem....do you think you are boring other people? Are you worried about what they are thinking about what you are saying?

bennyblanco · 27-09-2008 8:56pm

Self-esteem is the key my friend,I think I might look into some of those books myself.Mine used to be very low but it's improving and so is my life.
Get stuck into them OP,believe in yourself:)

Zillah · 27-09-2008 9:11pm

iaminvisible wrote: »

No actually.
I don't even know what to do to improve my speech and make it more clear

That's what we have experts for

Talk to your GP and he/she should be able to refer you to someone.

Pen1987 · 28-09-2008 12:57pm

iaminvisible wrote: »

yeah, well, sorry for that little outburst.

To begin with, stop apologising for being who you are. Be proud of who you are, youre idiosyncracies and embrace them. If you find your little oddities interesting others will too... seriously, believe me.

AckwelFoley · 28-09-2008 1:13pm

Id like to get my hands on you.

A 4 week crash course in self esteem is what is required, it involves beer strippers an unsharpened pencil and a jar of honey

Rule Number 1.

Stop worrying about what you think people think of you!

Thats the most difficult bit to get you mind around but it starts there.

The transformation you require will take years, but do not despair, once you do it you will be a new person.

You are welcome to pm me

LegacyUser · 28-09-2008 10:04pm

Why focus on the negativities. Where is the positivity? What has happened thru the course of ur life that u felt u've achieved. I totally recommend a self esteem book like already suggested. U wouldnt know from me writing this but I WAS in the same shoes as you. I had very little social skills but my public speaking skills were exceptional (or so i was told) I just cudnt keep a conversation going for more than 5mins. With the help of a self help book from a library, it has turned my life around. The one piece of advice that i took from the book that i use now with my friends is "For every negative thought, there is two or more POSITIVE thoughts" So every time i had a negative thought come in my mind (most often was the one saying that i was dumb and would never achieve to be anything) i created two positive thoughts ie Passing my leaving cert or I had the courage to start driving. It really opened a window of opportunity to me but every once in a while i can have my low days like everyone else so i created a little book of positivities whereby anything i felt i had achieved since reading the book i wrote in it and when i felt low i took the book out and read just a few and it boosted me up again.

Try and create ur own book of positivities and good luck and remember 1 day at a time

LegacyUser · 29-09-2008 12:55am

To Snyper:
Thanks a lot for the offer!
I really kinda was much of a "punk", not giving a crap about people n stuff... But then i realised i soon had no friends n stuff so i started to wonder why that was n that was when i started to really analyze and overanalyze people's reaction/behavior towards me which just ended making me more and more insecure as time passed.

I've always had problems with my selfesteem i guess. Especially when all my life i was kinda treated like the small, weak, insignificant guy. I sorta had a big ego (genetic thing i presume!) but my selfesteem was always low and i've always struggled to feel good about me. Everyone seemed to be bigger, stronger, more good looking and more popular than me... And like even though i've been this way since my early teenage days and i've changed a lot since then, i still find it really hard to feel better about myself. I still feel inferior to everyone around me.

To Unreg:
I guess i do need to focus more on the positive aspects of my life but no matter how hard i try, i just can't find any decent achievements! Everytime i look back at something that i've done (like say my leaving cert), i always felt i didn't give it enough and i didn't do it as well as i could/should have had done it.
Everything has become extremely demotivating lately. I sit to write some lyrics and i just can't seem to come up with anything good. I try to play my guitar and i can barely make anything sound decent. I sit down to draw something, its awful! I seem to lack imagination and creativity, i've been failing exams in my college. Even the ones i felt i did really well and expect a good score, i find out i've just barely passed them.

To sum it all up, i'm demotivated. I'm demotivated to do anything and its basically cuz i'm sick of failing and everytime i try to do something, i end up with my inability and failure staring back at my face. I struggle to make any friend and when i do make friends and it all seems pretty cool, then in a month they stop talking to me, or i just feel unwanted and i'm friendless again. All this constant failure after failure just ends up really demotivated and here i'm on a vicious downward spiral. Where one failure leads to another and soon there's a cascade tumbling down on me crushing me down completely.

But then again i do believe i suck at the things i do cuz i don't practice them enough. I don't practice them enough cuz i lack the motivation to practice/get better at them. I don't have the motivation to do that cuz when i do it, i end up royally sucking at it. And you see how my vicious circle is slowly destroying my life.
And i'm caught in this circle and i don't know the way out....

I also feel too embarrassed to speak to my GP about my speech impediment. I prefer to work on improving it on my own, but again when i do listen to my "recorded" voice/speech, another smack of failure to my face. More destruction of motivation.

But i think i'll look up on some of those self esteem books n all.
I was speaking to my mentor in college n was telling him the reason i was screwing up my exams was cuz i was getting too lazy. And he was like, you weren't lazy you lacked motivation. And i need to find out why i lacked motivation (which i think i know why) and i need to find back that motivation to do the things i like to do and basically build up on what i am to be what i wanna be...

And this is what i feel i truly need help with. I need to find my motivation to build up my selfesteem and become the person i wanna be. I just can't seem to find it anywhere with all these constant failures constantly pulling me back down into my spiral of destruction!

LegacyUser · 29-09-2008 1:03pm

How many people do you know go up to random people at a match and strike up a conversation? I know very few who would - even the confident ones.

You seem to have an idea that everyone else is supremely confident and are good at things. That is not the case.

Get your hands on this book: The Feeling Good Hand Book by Dr. David Burns. Get it online. I cannot recommend it highly enough.

You'll soon realise that your thinking has gotten you into this state and it'll be the way you think that gets you out of it.

I was like you. I never had anything to say or felt I was important. I was always worried about what others thought. I still do to an extent. I have my own business and I have friends and hobbies but I still fall into negative thinking - it's part of my make up but I know that I have to fight it. I have to fight my lack of motivation on a daily basis - in fact I 'm on here procrastinating giving advice to you instead of doing what I should be doing.

You have to realise what do you want out of life and what's going to help get you there.... friends of mine have new cars, big houses, gf's, nice clothes, two holidays a year and they still think they aren't successful. They certainly aren't happy.

There is a perception that successful people are just motivated and then take action as they're motivated..... action creates motivation. Do stuff and you'll be motivated to do more. No one can make you do stuff so it is up to you to take the small steps to get there. Again, that book talks a lot about procrastination and motivation.

Also, do you think that people who are successes don't suck and fail at things? You think that all successes have had it easy ? There are many successful people who have failed at many things and are only in the position they are in as they learned from their failures. They didn't give up at the first hurdle though.

I think it dawned on me (and still is) that as Morgan Freeman said to Tim Robbins in Shawshank Redemption "you can get busy living or you can get busy dying".

And go to your GP - 10 minutes of possible embarrassment for a possible lifetime of better communication seems like a fair deal. Your GP has seen everything from obesity, to people's stool samples, to STIs.

raemie21 · 29-09-2008 7:06pm

What everyone else has said but I'd really stress getting a referral for speech & language assessment. How we communicate is a core part of our identity and self concept - some of the other difficulties you have mentioned are generally associated with speech/lang impairments. If you've recored yourself and tried to change, then you're obviously very motivated and would do very well with a therapist you clicked with.
Public waitling lists are ridiculously long, you would probably be better off getting a private consultation, think the website is www.iasltpp.ie.
Honestly, give it a try - I think you'd be amazed at how much it can help you change and not just the speech symptoms per se.

Tefral · 29-09-2008 8:32pm

Some of the points made here are good.

Ill offer you some different advice and believe me it will make a huge difference to your life.

DO A MARTIAL ART.

I did Taekwon-do for years, i suffered from some self confidence issues when I was younger (god know why im the complete opposite now)

Basically by doing lets say Taekwon-do for arguments sake, you will learn self confidence, you will become more physical, you will meet some wonderful people and you will become healthy. over time you will learn to speak up and people will listen to what you have to say.

I find hobbys are a great way to interact with people. Regardless if you think you are crap that is just your view, people form different opinions and believe me they are probably different to what you might believe.

go to night classes for your art, you will meet people there too and also you will become more astute at what you are doing and this will lead to confidence.

LegacyUser · 29-09-2008 10:42pm

iaminvisible wrote: »

To Unreg:
I guess i do need to focus more on the positive aspects of my life but no matter how hard i try, i just can't find any decent achievements! Everytime i look back at something that i've done (like say my leaving cert), i always felt i didn't give it enough and i didn't do it as well as i could/should have had done it.

Is there any point on looking at the should of/could of/would of's. Right now you need to look to the future and yes Self confidence is the key. The main aspect is to believe in yourself. I too questioned every single thing i did to the point were i had myself so down cuz i was trying to convince myself i was a failure. My self help book was my best friend. Right, say with the leaving cert you feel you could have done better etc. Heres a question for ya - Your in college right now so did your results of the leaving cert get you there in the first place? I can tell you now if u didnt do well in the leaving cert U def wouldnt be there. (1 POSITIVE)

iaminvisible wrote: »

I sit to write some lyrics and i just can't seem to come up with anything good. I try to play my guitar and i can barely make anything sound decent. I sit down to draw something, its awful! I seem to lack imagination and creativity, i've been failing exams in my college. Even the ones i felt i did really well and expect a good score, i find out i've just barely passed them.

Green Day - Boulevard of Broken Dreams somes straight into my mind. U obv have a passion for music and art but are looking back on what you see as broken dreams - Cud have done better in School/College, Drawings cud be better, Mucical flare cud be off the charts by now etc. Those dreams are not broken whatsoever. Ok the leaving cert is in the past look forward. College can be put on hold for you to take some "me" time. Take a year out and DO ANYTHING you want to do. If you question yourself as to who you really are - off you go, take the journey and find out. (easier said than done and i'm well aware of that cuz i'm still on my journey)

I agree with cronin_j, Martial arts is a good way to build confidence tho its comes on so gradually 6mnths to a yr later you'd look back on your own self and tell yourself that the person you were then is not who you are now.

LegacyUser · 29-09-2008 10:43pm

My friend, I want you to try something. I'm assuming your either in school or in a working environment, either way, you should listen to some of the things that 'popular' people talk about. I'm in school now. I'm not the rugby jock who goes out gettin pissed ever saturday night. I'm the guy in the middle who has a group of cool friends who I like for who they are and they like me for who I am. I do everything with these people, and I love spending time with them, and it's these people that I care about. Now I look at the so called popular kids, most of them are in the lower level classes, so their not smart, and most of them laugh at the stupidest things. They come out with some funny stuff but most of it is just nonsense. And that is why I don't like them. It's either they are genuine assholes or just trying to impress themselves. You don't have to prove yourselves to other people. There is only one person on the earth that you have to look after and thats yourself. If your young and not having a good time now, thats tough, but you have to make sure that life is better for yourself in the future. Start doing excerses every night and gain some physical strenght. Do some other excercises to build your confidence. Look at people when you talk to them and stand up straight. Your goal is that this time in 6 months you will be bigger, feel better and be noticed. You have to be motivated if you want to get anywhere.

So get out there and be proud of who you are the fact that your NOT what other people want you to be.

Good Luck in life and make sure that it's a good one m8.

cafecolour · 30-09-2008 3:53pm

It's sounds like you give up too easily. You try something, for example playing the guitar. As soon as you try and play something and can't immediately, you're like "I suck" and stop. Pick one thing, anything, be it guitar or classes or a sport, and focus on it. Take classes, practice, and make yourself keep at it even when you're sucking at it.

Also, it sounds like you are embarassed to ask for help for things. Take classes, get advice from people. That's how you get mates in a lot of ways, not by appearing magically as this fully formed 'cool' person. Don't quit immediately because you are embarassed that you aren't as good as other people and don't quit just because you feel like you aren't getting better or feel like you got a little better and then suddenly got worse (learning something is often two steps forward, one step back). And don't try and learn 5 different things at once.

Once you've gotten confidence in one thing, it will start snowballing into the rest of your life.

Actually, after looking at your post again, pick the speech impediment as the first thing to work at. Go to the GP, get a recommendation for a speech therapist, and go to them. A speech impediment is extremely hard to fix by yourself - it would almost like trying to teach yourself to speak a new language without any feedback.

A Primal Nut · 30-09-2008 4:50pm

Self-esteem is full of catch-22 situations.I'm always certain the speech impediment is down to low self-esteem. Improve your self-esteem and that will go away.

Do things that will elicit positive reactions from other people - get guitar lessons or find other musicians to talk to. You have a lot of hobbies thats a good thing.

I used to be like you - I was always fortunate in that I always had a couple of good friends (who were in a similiar situation to me) but when I first moved to Dublin to go to college I hit a low point. I guess now, 4 years later I've improved a lot. Over the summer I thought I was over it completely but I have slipped back again in terms of confidence. I don't know if everyone truly gets over shyness, it always seems to crop up on me at weird times where I feel intimidated by other people. Its frustrating.

Fortunately I've built up a catalog of stories that happened me and were told to me by others that I force myself to say, but its still difficult. Sometimes I think of conversation topics in advance. Sometimes, its really easy and I just naturally get on with people as soon as I meet them. But I'm not fully where I want to be. However, I'm proof that you can overcome these problems. I have a small, solid circle of friends and get some interest from girls. I forced myself to approach random strangers in pubs/clubs - at the start I had to think of something to say before I went up and I'd often come across as creepy but I kept telling myself I didn't care because whenever it went well I felt great and now its almost natural for me to talk to strangers in social setting. I still get dismissed sometimes but I've stopped caring.

If you get the opportunity to travel on your own, do it!!

I'm sorry if the advice is vague, I can't think of to many things in particular that I did, but I just wanna say that it is possible, but you have to force yourself to do things.

presence and Significance, how can i gain them?

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