Nothing in common with most people

LegacyUser · 21-12-2007 3:58am #1

Hey all,

I'm a single 23 year old male student from Dublin. Most of the last four and a bit years of my life has been dedicated to studying in uni. In this time unfortunately, I feel I've turned into something of a misanthrope. I don't really partake in the usual activites of my age group such as drink, drugs, being laddish, "crazy" and the life of the party. I'm pretty introverted, spend a lot of time thinking about stuff, and function better from an academic and professional perspective in solitude. I'm studying computer science so this sort of mentality helps. However, lately I've begun to feel that the type of personality I have really isolates me from other people and makes me look really boring and uninteresting.

Anytime I go out, I see hordes of people my age, male and female having the time of their lives, getting pissed and embracing the whole social scene. I on the other hand really struggle in this environment. It sounds a bit sad I know but it's the way it is. I'm particularly referring to meeting girls. I have no problem talking to girls online, say, but in real life small talk is a struggle. I dont hit on girls, and don't do any of the cheesey stuff some other guys do. Because of this, I've been single for about three and a half years and I really miss the companionship that having someone offers.

The reason I've decided to write all this is that I'm sick of pretending I'm something I'm not. I've decided that this is who I am, and if people don't like it the problem is theirs, not my own. If anybody would like to suggest or comment regarding this I'd love to hear, thanks.

Dizzyblonde · 21-12-2007 10:22am

I'm glad you're accepting of who you are - there's no point in trying to be somebody else, and there's room in the world for everybody. You don't have to be into binge drinking and/or drugs to have a good time.
I think what you need to do is focus on what you DO like to do - apart from just studying- and make time for it. You're more likely to meet like-minded people through a shared interest than in the pub. You don't need to 'hit on' girls, when you meet one you really like you'll find the courage to chat to her and ask her out.

Good for you, and have a great Christmas

AngryBadger · 21-12-2007 10:41am

misanthrope? wrote: »

The reason I've decided to write all this is that I'm sick of pretending I'm something I'm not. I've decided that this is who I am, and if people don't like it the problem is theirs, not my own. If anybody would like to suggest or comment regarding this I'd love to hear, thanks.

Full marks on that mate! I can understand some of where you're coming from, while I enjoy going out maybe once a week or so, I'm not big into getting drunk, and I'm definitely not big into any drug scenes, but in ireland that seems to be all there is!

Regards women, just be yourself and try not to worry about losing marks for seeming foolish, or boyish, or whatever! Someone will come around when you least expect it

How Strange · 21-12-2007 10:49am

OP, there is absolutely nothing wrong with being like every other guy your age. In fact it will set you apart and make you attractive to a large minority of women who don't like that laddish behaviour. Fair play to you for knowing who you are and accepting it.

One word of caution, just make sure that your feelings of difference don't turn you into someone who thinks they are more superior than the 'normal' people.

I've seen that trait emerge in people (guys and girls) that think they are somehow different and that difference changes into better or superior which gives them an air of arrogance. Avoid that if you can and be conscious of it because while alot of people like to be around others who are interesting, eccentric, alternative; very few enjoy the company of an arrogant aloof so and so.

kmick · 21-12-2007 10:56am

I suppose the hard truth is - continue the way you are, isolating yourself and assuming you are better/different than anyone else and you will find yourself isolated.

If you take another look and say Im just like everyone else and make an effort to try and be more communicative with other people then other people will open up to you.

Its a hard mentality to overcome but you will find everybody is the same in terms of social interaction. All it takes is a little effort for a short time. It wont be comfortable the first few times but you will get over it as time goes by.

muboop1 · 21-12-2007 11:07am

misanthrope? wrote: »

Hey all,

I'm a single 23 year old male student from Dublin. Most of the last four and a bit years of my life has been dedicated to studying in uni. In this time unfortunately, I feel I've turned into something of a misanthrope. I don't really partake in the usual activites of my age group such as drink, drugs, being laddish, "crazy" and the life of the party. I'm pretty introverted, spend a lot of time thinking about stuff, and function better from an academic and professional perspective in solitude. I'm studying computer science so this sort of mentality helps. However, lately I've begun to feel that the type of personality I have really isolates me from other people and makes me look really boring and uninteresting.

Anytime I go out, I see hordes of people my age, male and female having the time of their lives, getting pissed and embracing the whole social scene. I on the other hand really struggle in this environment. It sounds a bit sad I know but it's the way it is. I'm particularly referring to meeting girls. I have no problem talking to girls online, say, but in real life small talk is a struggle. I dont hit on girls, and don't do any of the cheesey stuff some other guys do. Because of this, I've been single for about three and a half years and I really miss the companionship that having someone offers.

The reason I've decided to write all this is that I'm sick of pretending I'm something I'm not. I've decided that this is who I am, and if people don't like it the problem is theirs, not my own. If anybody would like to suggest or comment regarding this I'd love to hear, thanks.

congraduations!! most people can never accept who they are, and try to fit in, you are just you... cant be anything more or less! so just be yourself and take all the joy you can with that!

LegacyUser · 21-12-2007 1:24pm

Hey, not everyone is into getting legless at every opportunity. You might seek out some like-minded people - they are everywhere, just difficult to find! Get involved in something that interests you and you'll meet people of both sexes with similar interests....ok maybe the chess club is mostly male. Find something - there are classes in everything from archery to zoology in the Evening Class guide - or check the web to meet up with people with interests in whtever you're into. Best of luck! Just get out there!

K_P · 21-12-2007 4:33pm

Are you sure you haven't got too into the idea of being "different", being somewhat proud of your misanthropic ways? It's great that you know who you are and that you're not changing your personality to fit in with the herd, but I suspect you've identified yourself too much as being a bit of an outsider, maybe there's even a feeling of superiority there?

mossieh · 21-12-2007 4:56pm

There is no harm in going out and getting rat-arsed now and again either. Treat it as an occasional social experiment. It doesn't mean that you have to pretend to be someone you're not, try not to get too hung up on that idea, all of our personalities change to greater or lesser degrees over time. A good balance between extro/introversion is harder to find for some people but it's very important to do so.

FWiW, I think not running with the crowd all the time is a sign of character.
Having said that, even the most serious and shy and introverted people will benefit from occasionally getting stoned with good friends and watching spongebob.

Doctor DooM · 21-12-2007 5:03pm

Actually, Mr Different to everyone else, you sound exactly like several people I work with (I work in a hooge multinational software company. We're all IT people.)

Its V good that you accept yourself and all that, but I would say if you DESIRE to meet people, go out on work nights out etc and work on getting to know people. Social interation is not programmed into humans, just like being a sex god is not something that comes naturally, but alot of people assume it is, and also like artists aren't born with amazing talent, they work on it for years.

By the way, most people who consider themselves different from the boorish masses when I was a kid considered themselves metal heads or goths.

Although things are different these days!

Saruman · 21-12-2007 5:10pm

Yup... IT person here myself and im the same way. We are a special breed

Although i know plenty of IT people who are the opposite and are very social.
Its our Christmas party tonight and im just going to go for the meal and then head home.. no inerest in going clubbing, getting pissed and end up at a casino spending all my money with no return

If i want to drink i can go home and drink.

Keith186 · 21-12-2007 5:13pm

Jesus Christ when I read this I thought it was me who wrote it, I done the same course, think alot and do the same stuff. Still single though!

Dress a bit better and make an effort to talk to more chicks, makes a difference for me sometimes. Sometimes the chicks still go for the louder thick ****es and other times they don't. I'd be the same as yourself I'd say and find it hard to talk to some women but when you come across some women they can make it easy to get chatting. If that doesn't work give em a couple free pills and see what happens! Don't be nervous, you can sense nerves when some people walk into the room in a party, doesn't help anything.

PS: I was out for team night out with my team in work and hooked up with a nice chick in the pub hopefully I'll see her again tomorrow...

Keith186 · 21-12-2007 5:14pm

Saruman wrote: »

Yup... IT person here myself and im the same way. We are a special breed Although i know plenty of IT people who are the opposite and are very social.
Its our Christmas party tonight and im just going to go for the meal and then head home.. no inerest in going clubbing, getting pissed and end up at a casino spending all my money with no return
If i want to drink i can go home and drink.

You are really sad btw!

Saruman · 21-12-2007 5:16pm

Keith186 wrote: »

You are really sad btw!

On the contrary... im a very happy person most of the time

Happily married even! No kids yet though... that will be the test....

Was that personal abuse there keith?

af_thefragile · 21-12-2007 5:20pm

Long post, but i know where you're coming from and this should hopefully help you...

Aye dude, I'm in pretty much the same boat as you.
I'm not big into the whole social drinking and going out scene in coll so i do usually find myself a lot on my own. But then i do things i like to keep myself occupied. I love music, i play music, write songs, play other sports i like, take part in coll sports clubs and music events... All that just to do not give into blindly following the masses and doing what you love.

I have a few close friends and i usually hang around with the 1 or 2 close friends i've got than heading off to some club with a group of people i don't seem to get along really well with. Though sometimes i do go out and socialize and thats mostly to hang around with the people i know rather than getting pissed.

But the most important thing here is to be yourself. Its what makes you stand out of the crowd n differet from all the people following into the mainstream.
I do only what i like to do and keep pursuing the kind of lifestyle thats me.
This all might make you a bit obscure but it also makes you different. You might not find many girls getting attracted towards you cuz you're not out there all the time with them, but well, they're not the girls you'ld want anyway.

The girl that matters will see the difference in you and will get attracted to you. All of this will happen when you come across the right person.
Though you're not gonna meet the right person if you sit in your room all day away from everyone else. You will need to go out there and put yourself in places where you're more likely to come across the "right" person.
Now this doesn't mean going out everynight with the crowd to parties and getting drunk with them... unless you're looking for a party girl.

The key word here is to put yourself in the RIGHT place to come across the person who'ld appreciate you for who you are.
If you're looking for a girl who doesn't drink much and is not the party kind, you're not gonna find here in a club on a tuesday night.
If you're looking for a girl who's into music, then its the local music gigs that you've gotta check out. If you're looking for a girl who likes to surf, then go join a surf school for a break n look out there!

And there's a difference between being different and being a nobody.
You've gotta try to make sure you don't end up as a nobody in your bid to become different.
You've gotta have a personality. Being different means having a different sort of a personality. Its different from having no personality.

What you need to do here first is to find your personality. Search withing youself and find out who you are and what makes you, you. You've gotta have a personality to be noticed, liked and appreciated. Find it first whats in you that defines you. Then work on it to make it stronger so that its more noticable and reflects off you.

No one will notice the guy sitting by himself in the corner just looking around.
Though many will notice the guy sitting by himself in the corner playing a song on his guitar or writing some music.
The first person has no personality, where as the second one is a deep musician and this personlity feature of his is going to attract a lot of people.

To end,
Isolating youself from the scene you don't fit in is only half the work. You've gotta then find where you fit in best and get yourself there. You don't wanna end up becoming a lifeless loner.
Look into yourself and find who you are, find your personality and find your lifestyle, work on it, make it stronger and achieve it. Thats what makes you different. Just isolating yourself will only end up making you a loner.

StormWarrior · 21-12-2007 10:46pm

OP, if you don't enjpy going out and getting pissed etc, then don't. Meeting a girlfriend through doing things you don't enjoy is not a good idea, because you won't enjoy spending time together as neither of you will enjoy the other's activities. Be yourself, that is the best way to meet a girl you will really get along with. I myself don't enjoy drinking, drugs, clubs, etc, so there are girls out there who feel the same as you!

Gekko · 22-12-2007 7:45am

think about language classes, salsa classes, creative writing classes, book clubs. speed dating, volunteering with a charity or organisation, or dinetomeet.ie

there must be other avenues I can't think of as well.

LegacyUser · 22-12-2007 7:45pm

you sound like the male version of me

i'm not into the drinking social scene at all because i don't feel that its who i am.

i'm too introverted to go out a lot. sometimes i feel like i can't function properly around lots of people.

i wish i could meet you we might get along

LegacyUser · 23-12-2007 2:55am

Hmmm sounds like a stitch up:-p

Victor · 23-12-2007 4:50am

misanthrope? wrote: »

Hmmm sounds like a stitch up:-p

Which bit?

monosharp · 23-12-2007 5:52am

misanthrope? wrote: »

Hey all,

I'm a single 23 year old male....

Solution -> Travel.

I'm not joking, I was like you, sick of Ireland and Irish people, not for the same reasons nor was it my only reason to go but It was a major point.

If you want something specific, go to Asia. Its such a difference. Such different, beautiful cultures.

I myself am actually into the drinking scene, not huge into it but I do enjoy going out with mates etc at home and pulling women etc but since I came here (asia) I have really opened my eyes to what life is really about.

What was majorly sickening to me at home was the superficial bs we have to put up with on a daily basis.

Honestly, Travel. Its the only and best advice I will ever give anyone on PI ever again.

p.s > Don't go to the usual Oz/Yankland places for god sake. Go see another culture, not a cultureless one like yankland or one very similiar to our own (Oz).

LegacyUser · 23-12-2007 1:43pm

This bit :-)

girl1 wrote: »

you sound like the male version of me

i'm not into the drinking social scene at all because i don't feel that its who i am.

i'm too introverted to go out a lot. sometimes i feel like i can't function properly around lots of people.

i wish i could meet you we might get along

Victor · 23-12-2007 1:55pm

Yes, beware of Greek bearing gifts and strangers on the internet.

dr_manhattan · 23-12-2007 2:07pm

"If you want something specific, go to Asia."

yeah, cos if this lad can't stand bars full of english speaking white people falling all over the place, he'll just love asia....

LOL

I say fair dues: every single participant in the pub scene here seems to automatically assume their life is great fun when they can't remember half of it. It's just like this hazy soap opera for them... And that's not to say i'm a teetotaller myself: I'm a heavy drinker when i'm enjoying myself, but i can only go out in groups of two to three - any more and the entire night is "what? sorry I didn't hear you"

Last year, due to losing a couple of mates, I became involved with a bunch of friday night drinkers who were so convinced that their life was fun they convinced me, too - it took about a month of weekly heavy drinking with them to become utterly depressed and suicidal: funny thing is, none of them could understand why, because i'd gotten laid twice in that month with random women...

Apparently, once you have a circle of inane drunken friends and regular drunken, fumbling sex then that's what everyone needs....?

It just seems to me that some people are suited to that routine, and others just aren't. Screw everyone else's advice, do what you enjoy.

LegacyUser · 23-12-2007 2:24pm

misanthrope? wrote: »

Anytime I go out, I see hordes of people my age, male and female having the time of their lives, getting pissed and embracing the whole social scene.

Are they really??

Hi,

Your post struck a cord with me I'm an academic and I feel happiest when I'm in doors, cup of tea in hand reading books and listening to interesting music. I only have a handfull of friends but I prefer it that way, I know people who have alot of acquaintances but no real close friendships, their social life is all very fake. I've seen the otherside of Friday night and it ain't pretty. I decided recently that I'd stop feeling responsible for the actions of others. This letting go has allowed me to cut people who have a lack of affinity with me out of my life. For example recently I was offered free drugs and turned them down, when I told a group of people this they treated me like I was mad. I know people whos' lives have been ruined by drugs, I'm young and healthy, is it really so surprising that I don't want to take them? I despise people who treat me like I'm strange because I opt out of the Friday night lifestyle. If that's what you live for your life is very empty.

The only danger with your stand point is (I find) you may start feeling a bit superior! but I interact with people from all different walks of life on a daily basis so it's not a problem.

Good luck with your new affirmation of what the good life is.

Latchy · 23-12-2007 3:51pm

Some very intresting and seemingly genuine responses to OP, particuarly Monosharps .It's obious a lot of people find themselfs in OP's situation and everybody needs to find their niche in life regards home/work/friends/relationships.There is an old saying that goes '' old friends no matter how annoying give meaning to our lives '' and i can relate to it in the sense of lost friendships .Another poster said ' the guy sitting on his own in the corner of a pub, nobody notices him and he has no personality ' , well that guy probably needs the friendship more than most , he could be the person OP describes .There is a lot of phoniness out there and some people will surround themselfs with anybody or hang around with any crowd rather than feel left out or lonley .Thats why some become loners ,in the sense of liking their own company rather than the shallowness of others but equaly a sense of humor is important of course. I somtimes think people act in a shallow way and dont like to reveal the real person because of fear of letting their defenses down .How many people will be at the office christmas party but cant wait to escape to the familiarity of family /friends ?

LegacyUser · 23-12-2007 5:01pm

Wow, this thread elicited quite a few responses. You all make valid points! However, I don't think of myself as superior. Just maybe different from some people. I think if I had a girlfriend then I'd feel a lot happier in myself. I don't know why that is, maybe though because I've been single for three years, havent had sex in over 16 months and am getting rightly fed up haha!

LegacyUser · 23-12-2007 5:39pm

misanthrope? wrote: »

Hmmm sounds like a stitch up:-p

what do you mean a stitch up? ??

i was serious.....

you seem interesting.

dudara · 23-12-2007 6:15pm

This is not a dating board. Register and then PM each other if you want to talk.

dudara

ian_m · 23-12-2007 6:38pm

Theres alot of people similar to yourself. Ireland has gone down a funny road in recent years as we all know. And alot of people are not into the binge drinking and social scene. It can be daunting for some. Let alone the fact that is is expensive. So if you don't enjoy it then why bother wasting your money and time on it.

Do everything you enjoy. It's your life. I think it's good to be able to appreciate time with yourself. It's a quality that some people fear. Being alone. Spend your life how you want.

I would personally think it is good to stay in touch occasionally with people and have some social nights. Its good to keep things in perspective.

As regards meeting girls, there are lots of places online for that. And hundreds of girls who have online profiles. Maybe meet some of them. Try and have more than one to meet. I don't mean two time. But if your meeting two people in a week then if you are disappointed with the first then you have another to look forward to.

Best of luck. Always please yourself. Its your life. Theres more people like you out there than you think.

t_ucd · 24-12-2007 1:11am

I've actually found this thread really reassuring - so there are more people like me in the world! I've always felt like an outsider when I hear my classmates talking about nights out which were so great that they can't remember anything about them...they genuinely enjoy that whole scene and I'm happy for them, but it's taken me nearly 4 years to realise that it's just not for me. I'd rather spend my time and my money on doing something I enjoy, even if it is by myself.

Most of the time I feel fine about my choices but I know what you mean about wanting companionship - I do wish I could meet someone and, obviously enough, if I went out socialising more I'd have a better chance of this happening, but I also think that it's better to meet people through doing something I really like.

So...I guess if I had any advice to give it would be to figure out what you really enjoy doing that involves other people (e.g. one of my things was taking up a yoga class), go do it and stay hopeful that you'll meet someone through that.

Nothing in common with most people

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