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Confidence at all time low after workplace bullying

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  • 19-01-2019 9:23pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    Hi,

    I used to be a confident, outgoing and socially competent individual, however due to workplace bullying by a number of my colleagues, my confidence has been completely shattered. I am surprised the toil it has tsken on my confidence.

    I feel like I am no longer taken seriously and viewed as weak and a bit of a joke, my colleagues don't respect me and my current vulnerable mental state doesn't help, I guess they can sense that I am now at rock bottom.

    Nothing seems to be working for me, spending time with loved ones, friends, walks etc,

    Should I 'fake it until I make it?' Put on a false strong demeanour? I never felt so empty.


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    #2
    December2012
    Registered Users Posts: 4,695 ✭✭✭December2012


    Well what is happening to resolve the work place problem?


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    #3
    Pinch Flat
    Registered Users Posts: 7,761 ✭✭✭Pinch Flat


    Been there Op. being bullied is a terrible place to be. Happened to me and I nearly had a breakdown. Moving on is probably the best thing to do unfortunately


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    #4
    Purple Mountain
    Registered Users Posts: 13,028 ✭✭✭✭Purple Mountain


    The main priority now is to address the situation at work.
    I'd recommend going to a therapist to speak about your situation and thrash out your options about either moving on to another job or handling the situation while staying put.
    If you can't afford or don't want to go the therapy route then find a wise trusted friend to help you.
    Only when this is dealt with can you move forward but you'll need support after this to work on your self esteem and confidence.
    Best of luck.

    To thine own self be true



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    #5
    Unanimous
    Closed Accounts Posts: 143 ✭✭Unanimous


    not sure why work Colleagues are bullying you but if you need to put in more time to get things right then do it for your career growth.
    Seek help in your work to improve. Also, stand up for yourself


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    #6
    Rubberchikken
    Registered Users Posts: 5,083 ✭✭✭Rubberchikken


    how has this been dealt with at work?
    as an employee you are entitled to a safe work. environment.

    im sorry youve experienced this, its a horrible thing to happen but if you have support you can come out of this stronger.


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    #7
    valoren
    Registered Users Posts: 5,458 ✭✭✭valoren


    I have found that when someone is bullied the reason they are bullied is because they have something tangible which the bully does not have nor can even ever have. Not that you might ever see it but you threaten these people. You might be fantastic at your job, you might be stylish, good looking, successful, popular with people, kind, generous etc. You said it yourself. You are, or were, 'confident', 'outgoing', 'socially confident'. You are still those things. It's who you are.

    It is this which is the threat to the bully. They do not have the capacity to have what you, unbeknownst to yourself, naturally have. A well adjusted, confident, secure and decent person does not feel the need to bully other people. My guess is your bully is the opposite of what you are. Where you are confident, they are racked with insecurities. Where you are outgoing, they are timid. Where you are socially confident, they are nervous wrecks socially. The aim of the bully is not to address their own issues but to diminish and destroy what you have. The more vindictive one's actively enjoy that process. So, don't let the b*stards get you down. That's exactly what they want, to reduce you to what they are themselves.


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    #8
    Mackleton
    Registered Users Posts: 644 ✭✭✭Mackleton


    Hi OP,

    So sorry to hear this is happening to you, it's a hellish experience to go through.
    For you to walk away from this with any sense of agency and self-confidence, you are going to have to formulate a plan of action.
    Your mental well-being will not thank you for 'faking it 'til you make it', drawing out the agony helps no one here.
    My advice (and bear in mind I am not in HR and have no qualifications in that field whatsoever) for what it's worth, simply by dint of personal experience:

    A) Get job hunting now!!!!
    Others may disagree here, feeling that you shouldn't be forced to leave, but having worked with a bully myself, this went miles towards ending the trapped, hopelessness I felt, I was just so relieved to be away from that stressful, emotionally draining scenario that it gave me the space and peace to process and move on.
    This is an act of self preservation, not running away, so don't view it as such. I spent far too long agonising about this, believing that it was a failure to throw in the towel and get the hell out of there, but it was the best thing for my sanity, so don't deliberate, just get online and get looking!

    Start polishing up your CV asap and filling out some job applications.
    Even if the jobs aren't ideal, any interest you receive would be a great confidence boost for you, and make you realise that there are other options out there.

    Once you have an offer from a new employer and a contract signed, move on to the next phase.

    B) Make a complaint against these people (for your own sense of self-worth - you'll forever regret it if you never say anything).
    This is of course optional, if you feel you can't face it and need to make a clean break, then do whatever you need to. If that is the case, someone wise once told me, it is never too late to air your grievances, if not for the sake of restitution then at least for your own sense of closure. Nothing is stopping you from writing a letter or email to a few members of management (or indeed directly to the CEO/MD/Owner) and detailing the reasons why you left their company. That is entirely your right and might even help spur a change of company culture. Maybe too late for you yes, but maybe not for the next person they decide to pick on.

    As an initial step, if you haven't already, I would start keeping brief notes of any names, dates and times that you are overtly targeted to have a record.
    I would want to have at least 3-5 'incidents' recorded, with dates before lodging a complaint, so that HR can see the regularity that this is happening and how it constitutes systematic bullying.

    Once my contract with my new employer was signed, I would ask for a meeting with my manager/HR person and produce my 'little black book' of incidents and report each and every one of those people. Obviously you would need something concrete here, that a manager can actually address, rather than conjecture about looks or silences, sniggering etc. Also you can't accuse any peripheral people without something specific against each one you name, no point in saying, well X is best mates with Y so they are in on it as well.
    You need to remain calm, factual and emotionally detached when reporting, as you will be taken more seriously. Deliver the facts as they are, no personal opinions about anyone specific, merely state the incidents you have recorded, state that you feel this constitutes workplace bullying and that you want to make a formal complaint, and would like to receive an update on any subsequent investigation (meaning you will hold them accountable for doing something about it). Wording here is important.

    I would time this around my notice period, so that if there is animosity from these people from any investigation, at least you won't need to endure it for long. However you may need to use your judgement as to when you report in relation to handing in notice, as if management are aware you are leaving anyway, they may not feel compelled to do any about it.

    Bullies should know they can't act without consequences, and you will feel proud of yourself looking back and knowing you did something about it.

    Hope it all turns out for the best.
    Chin up and get job hunting!


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