Another Virginity Thread

LegacyUser · 09-01-2019 2:28am #1

Long time lurker, seen a post on a similar topic here (hello fellow virgin if you're reading :P ) which has now prompted me to ask my own question, here to you good people of PI! (I didn't want to hijack the other thread)

Well based on my opening statement, you guessed it-I am a virgin. A female in her mid 20s with 0 experience, emphasis on the 0. I guess during my college years I always listened to those stories "oh you really need to know and trust the first person you sleep with", but I never got to ever know a boy, I didn't even try. TBH, I never even considered losing my virginity at that point, it was completely out of the question, and maybe deep down I feared it. I was too scared and too uncomfortable in my own skin to think a boy would even look in my direction, and if a guy ever did try something it was a matter of "any hole is a goal". I also joined Tinder once, it was not for me. Hence, I graduated a virgin some years ago.

I have always been deeply deeply uncomfortable in my own skin, this is a huge factor. At one point I had an eating disorder (weight loss plateaued so I was never underweight, but man was I hungry), and when I recovered I gained a HUUUUUUUGE amount of weight via binge eating, to the point where I am now clinically overweight, and I fear due to the nature of how I put on the weight, that I will never go back to what weight I was even previous to my ED. The joys-my own fault. I do not see 1 attractive aspect to my physical being at all. I look like a haggered old woman with teenage acne. This coupled with the raging "VIRGIN" card I bear just makes me afraid for any potential future relationship/sexual encounter.

About a year ago, I was texting 1 guy for a while but I so desperately avoided actually meeting up with him cause I was afraid of the weight I had put on, and that this person had only seen me with a full face of make up done-up, and they would realise how truly heinous I look. That was a long time ago, but so rare is an opportunity that a guy actually shows some genuine interest that I had to use THAT as an example.

And lets say I actually see a guy a couple of times and we decide to do the do, unfortunately, and I know it doesn't happen to every girl, but for many girls there are certain OBVIOUS clues that their first time is their first time, pretty hard to hide. I am embarrassed by this and would never want anyone to know that. I would imagine, like most people when they first start sort of seeing each other, and are only interested in a bit of casual fun and saying to someone "btw you're taking my virginity, but don't sweat it, I've only been waiting 10 years longer than the average Irish person for this to happen", hardly screams casual-there is a myth out there that virgins are stage 5 clingers to who they lose their virginity to, and it would just be too weird for something fun and casual. If the shoe were on the other foot I would think it was too weird and walk away.

With each passing day, my "virginity card" becomes heavier, more of a burden, the older I get the more embarrassing it becomes. I am not quite sure what to do about this situation. My own healthy weight loss has plateaued (so eating healthy and exercising more is not an option for the weight-I already do that). Its like my virginity is stopping me from loosing my virginity, its such an awkward barrier in the way that I cannot actually have sex with someone. It is my birthday very soon, another year with this in my way preventing me (somewhat) fully enjoying every aspect of the human experience that the world has to offer, and I am just no sure what to do about the situation. I also fear a ONS (especially if its going to be my first time, that sh1t is meant to be painful as hell), meeting a stranger for the first time and just going home with them, I just cant comprehend it, there's also the fear of STDs/pregnancy (no contraceptive measure is 100% effective) and knowing my taste, God only knows what sort of riff raff I'd pick up?! (Also, If someone suggests a gigolo, their name, will be going to the top of my list, underlined; you've warned).

TL; DR: I am a mature virgin who sees her virginity as the blockade to loosing her virginity.

hullaballoo · 10-01-2019 3:40pm

On the basis of your post, I would think that dealing with your self-image is your first port-of-call.

Only an arsehole would judge you for being a virgin but that's not really relevant. You're judging yourself enough and you are clearly (and understandably) very nervous about a casual encounter leading to sex.

Your virginity is not what's inhibiting you, it's your view of yourself. Tbh, there's no quick-fix for that, it's a long road. But I'd be de-prioritising the virginity issue and bumping your self-image up your list of things you need to sort out.

baby and crumble · 10-01-2019 3:51pm

How do I put this delicately... fat people aren't ugly, nor are they undesirable. I don't mean that to be rude, and call you fat, OP, but you seem fixated on your weight and how that effects your desirability. If no fat people were sexy or good looking or attractive then most people would never have sex.

You really, really, really need to work on your self-image and self-confidence. It's the thing that jumps out massively from your post, and it's the most critical thing you need to address. It's hard to find someone attractive if they're terrified of being themselves, which it looks like you are.

This might be a weird, left-of-centre suggestion, but I would highly, highly recommend going on instagram and looking for some of the body positive bloggers. A lot of what we hear in the media is about how they are 'promoting obesity', but like it or not they're there and frankly they're all gorgeous in their own way. You might be able to look at them and see their beauty and the fact that it's not based solely on their weight. Now, take all of that with a healthy dose of salt since instagram is NOT real life, but it's a start to get you out of the rut you're in.

Nobody is 100% ugly. Nobody. And nobody is 100% gorgeous and perfect, either. I'm fat but I have really good eyes and hair. So I make the most of that. If your skin is bothering you, then sort it out. if your hair is bothering you, sort it out. If your clothes are bothering you, sort it out. It's not an easy thing to do, to shift your thinking, but you have to do it or you'll be miserable and it'll be nothing to do with being a virgin.

Idle Passerby · 10-01-2019 5:33pm

I don't have much more to add to the good advice above but wanted to let you know being a virgin isn't the neon alert sign you seem to think it is. By all means when you find the right guy you can tell him if you wish but it's not a requirement and it isn't a dirty secret either. Not everyone bleeds the first time, in fact my assumption would be more people don't than do. If you've ever used a tampon I doubt you'll be painting your virginity on any ones sheets when the time comes. So a man won't nessessarily be alerted to your status if you don't want him to know.

If you find a guy you click with and your ready with (presuming he's not an arse) he will be delighted you want to sleep with him regardless of whether or not you've done it before. If someone is put off sleeping with you because you might be a clinger he was never going to stick around in the first place.

At the end of the day though, it's your own self esteem that's the biggest roadblock to meeting the right guy. You are very critical of yourself. If you don't like yourself your basically telling other people "move along, nothing to see here". So forget about being a virgin for the time being, it's not the issue you should be focusing your attention on.

Rubberchikken · 10-01-2019 6:13pm

i agree with the others.
get your self esteem in order first. you wrote a very goid post and sound like a smart person.
would talking to someone help? dont let the thought of weight/virginity take over. they're part of life not the whole package.

ChrissieH · 11-01-2019 2:10pm

Hey OP,

First thing I want to say is that I don't think losing your virginity is "painful as hell".. it's been a long time since I lost mine, admittedly, but I definitely don't remember it being particularly painful, I remember it feeling like one quick, sharp "pinch" and that was it, but I was a teenager and as Idle Passerby has pointed out, using tampons may have already broken your hymen, which (I think!!) is the only thing that could cause pain when you lose your virginity. But anyway, regardless, even if it's not already broken, it's genuinely just 2 seconds of a pain, it's not at all "painful as hell" (I hope I'm speaking for all women here.. I don't want to be insensitive.. I've never had any chats with female friends about it being painful)

And besides that, yes, as all the others have said, your lack of self-esteem is sad to see; I feel like maybe your virginity is a bit of a scapegoat here; it's easy to zone in on that and blame it for your lack of interaction with men, when in reality, it might not be the real reason? If you genuinely think you look "heinous", then it's not going to be easy to let any man get close enough to you to have sex with. Maybe you used that word as a joke but if you didn't, then please try to do something to stop this self-loathing.
I literally don't know one single person in my life that I would describe as "heinous" and trust me, I can be just as bitchy and critical / judgemental as the next person, so I'm not a Miss Sweetness & Light type of person who sees the good in everyone!!

I'm realistic and I know that there are different levels of attractiveness / society's view of attractiveness, so yeah, I can see where you're coming from if you think you don't fit the mould but like, neither does half of the population, so you can't be THAT exceptional??
(Yes, I'm trying to virtually shake you into being nicer to yourself here!)

Yeah, it's true that there are guys out there for whom "any hole is a goal" and that is the case no matter what you, me, or they look like. There are always plenty of eejits and plenty of sound people.
It seems like you are a pretty sound person, and the fact that there was a guy keen enough to keep texting you for a while might be testament to that; he liked you enough to keep putting in that effort, so you had already won half the battle there but you shied away from meeting him in case he didn't like your physical appearance; don't you see that all you did there was do things "backwards" from most hook-ups? As in, traditionally, when going on the pull, someone likes the physical appearance and eventually approaches to see what the personality is like. That, too, is make-or-break. You just did it the other way around but without ever doing the physical approach. So you attracted a man enough to keep him chatting to you. You didn't move on to the next stage, therefore you have no evidence to prove that he would have found you unattractive and given that you said you never got to know any guys during your college years (which I'm assuming were the most sociable of your life so far, given that you referenced them), you don't have any other experiences to test your attractiveness.
You have become judge and jury for yourself and you're being very harsh.

Please please please take steps to improve your confidence. As baby and crumble said, nobody is 100% perfect / gorgeous, so try to look at your good points and enhance them, and tackle the bad points that are changeable.

I might get killed for saying this, but if wearing makeup helps you to feel better about yourself, then start doing that. Straighten / curl / style your hair .. we all need helping hands, there's very few of us going around looking glamazonian in our natural states and there's no point in denying that we can feel 10 times better about ourselves when we do slap on the makeup or wear high heels or do whatever it is that makes us feel more attractive.

Fake it til you make it girl!!

Graces7 · 11-01-2019 2:52pm

Sexual activity is not mandatory. Enjoy being as you are

....... · 11-01-2019 3:10pm

Hmmmm.

Theres a lot of projection in your post.

Its not a bit unusual to be a virgin in your mid 20s - lots of people are. Its not hugely painful to have sex for the first time - but it might be more painful than it needs to be if you are full of anxiety about it. There is no myth about virgins being stage 5 clingers.

And your view of yourself is awful. No one is perfect. Weight is something that can be changed. You seem to have this terribly negative view of yourself and have convinced yourself that no one could ever like you. This simply isnt true.

Ill tell you what people dont like. They dont like people who dont like themselves. Nothing is sexier than a bit of self confidence and someone who is happy in their own skin. I think you really need to learn how to become that person. It doesnt come easily to everyone - you have work to do on yourself.

Stop worrying about the virginity, you have focused on it as a major roadblock when it reality its just not that important.

LegacyUser · 11-01-2019 3:30pm

Hi OP,

You are being so hard on yourself. Take it from this guy’s perspective – if a girl told me that she was a virgin I would feel almost honored that she had chosen me and I would do everything I could to make her 1st time a good experience and make her feel as comfortable as possible. I would not see it as a turn off at all. Everyone has to have their 1st time, and some people just get there a bit later than others. It is more about being with the right person and feeling comfortable in your own skin.

I think you have focused all your negative thoughts on a quick fix of losing your virginity instead of addressing the much more difficult issue of self-esteem and confidence. You said you see no attractive aspect to your physical self which is not a good place to be. I know a lot of people struggle with their appearance but I believe confident people are attractive people. Look at the positive things in your life and try and push those our front. Please don’t be focusing on your virginity, it really doesn’t matter to most people.

LegacyUser · 26-01-2019 1:11am

Hey Guys,

OP here again. I read through your replies, and thank you very much.
I think you are right, I had a bit of an epiphany. I was bed bound a few days ago due to a minor injury and out of sheer boredom I downloaded tinder, literally only to chat to people, just for that night only as there is only SO MUCH Netflix a person can watch. I only swiped right on very few men as I perceived about 90% of the men to be out of my league. When one messaged me and after chatting for about a half hour, he offered to go for a drink. I immediately ghosted him (bad OP bad). I downloaded the app as just for some entertainment for the night, not expecting like being asked out to occur. Just for chats, but as soon as anyone mentioned doing something in the real world I freaked and ran away. The reason why, was a lot due to fear, and then the overwhelming anxiety of this man being far too out of my league, that my pictures were being deceptive and showed me only looking my best, not the real "ugly" me.

So I ask, how does one get over this sort of thinking. I do not think I can address this feeling with a change in clothes or makeup (my place of work has a strict no makeup/dress/open or heeled shoes policy due to the nature of my work place), plus I am too lazy to apply makeup anyways, and too cheap to buy fancy clothes, Pennys sale rack is my go to for shopping, that being said, since I gained weight, I don't even shop for clothes any more. I do not go to the gym. I literally don't have the time (sounds like an excuse but unfortunately this is true, my working day and my commute mean I normally don't even have time to cook/eat a dinner, long story behind this that I do not want to get into), even though, realistically, even if I did have the time I still probably wouldn't go :P .

Do I go to a counsellor to deal with my insecurities? A dietitian to lose weight? How do I work through this feeling of inadequacy without outside help?

Pac1Man · 26-01-2019 11:52pm

Melodramatic2 wrote: »

I do not go to the gym. I literally don't have the time (sounds like an excuse but unfortunately this is true, my working day and my commute mean I normally don't even have time to cook/eat a dinner, long story behind this that I do not want to get into), even though, realistically, even if I did have the time I still probably wouldn't go :P .

Do I go to a counsellor to deal with my insecurities? A dietitian to lose weight? How do I work through this feeling of inadequacy without outside help?

You do have the time. You just decide not to use it. Stop making excuses.

Regarding meals, bulk cook on your day off and freeze them. It might take an hour and a half but your dinners will be made for the week. You simply arrive home and heat it up. Doing that alone will help with the weight loss.

You don't need a dietitian. Plenty of information out there on what to eat. Stay away from refined carbs and sugars.

You don't need a gym membership. You just need to move. Go outside and move. Go for a walk with the long term goal being a run. Or even Google some home cardio workouts. No need for fancy equipment.

One thing that helped me was getting up extra early to get the workout in. Instead of sitting in front of the TV for 4 hours when I got home after a long day, I went to bed two hours earlier and then got up two hours earlier to exercise and do stuff around the house that needs doing. It takes a few days to get used to it but it has improved my life a great deal. Not only will your mood be improved by the exercise, your head will be decluttered by doing a few light chores. You'll arrive home to a clean house (and a healthy dinner!).

Forget about the virginity thing. No guy worth his salt will care. I certainly wouldn't. Focus on getting on shape.

Short term goals. Little victories.

Reject the 'treats' people convince themselves they 'deserve'.

No counsellor is going to make you feel better about being overweight.

There are no easy answers or quick fixes or special diets. Hard work is what's needed today and the day after. Go do it. When you're not feeling up to it, go do it harder. That's when the biggest physiological gains are made knowing you can push on through the sh1t.

Put the headphones on and get to work.

joeguevara · 27-01-2019 2:17am

Firstly everyone in some way or other is nervous when sleeping with someone for the first time no matter how experienced they are. So although it must seem like the scariest thing ever be reassured that it’s not just you.

One thing I do get from your posts is that you are putting obstacles in front of yourself as to why you can’t sleep with someone. You mention that you don’t wear fancy clothes. Doesn’t really matter to the right person. You mention that you don’t wear makeup. A lot of people prefer the natural look. You mention that you don’t have a gym membership. There is loads of parks and footpaths and walkways that you can start walking.

But what the above shows is that you are so scared of this that you are talking yourself out of it and blaming the fact that you are being a virgin for continuing to be a virgin. Which is a self defeating spiral. Firstly forget about having sex. That will come. You need to make changes for yourself not for some guy that you haven’t even met yet. If you want to lose weight (and I’m not saying you have to) then do something like joining slimming world (worked wonders for my mother) or go walking or swimming. You don’t need to buy expensive clothes to look good. The high street isn’t that expensive if you shop around. Or vintage shops if you have a unique style. Accessories can really make an outfit glamorous. Go out and flirt with guys. Take sex off the table so there won’t be any pressure. You will see that guys will find you attractive which will boost your confidence. Now I am not saying that you should depend on other people to boost your confidence but it’s always nice.

Once you start feeling better about yourself then it will be easier. Take things slow and have fun.

baby and crumble · 27-01-2019 2:45pm

Op, I used to be like you. Never really spending any money or time on myself because I was convinced I was ugly. Now, some days I do slip back into that mindset but it soon becomes clear that if you behave and feel and look like you don’t give a damn about your appearance then nothing will change.

Look, none of us are made of money, but buying all your clothes from Penney’s sale rack isn’t going to do your self worth or self image any good. If you’re not willing to make an investment of time and money in yourself then why should anyone else?

I actually have no idea what dress size I am as I shop in the men’s departments for my clothes (by choice as it suits my style) but it’s easily a 24 I’d say. Now, thats fat. But I make sure I take 10 minutes every day to ensure my hair is right and my skin looks good before I leave the house. I don’t wear makeup either and never have but it makes no difference to me. I have outfits that are appropriate for my age, career stage and lifestyle and I invest in the best quality I can. I get complimented on my style quite regularly because I work at it.

I do all my shopping online. I can do it whenever I have a few minutes on break in work, chilling out at home, wherever. Most places ship free or for a small charge and it means you can take your time trying stuff on in your own surroundings and checking it against what you already have in your wardrobe so you know it’ll work with your other clothes. Penney’s stuff should, in my option, by used mostly as additions to a good quality base wardrobe of higher quality stuff. Because Penney’s is cheap which is great but I find doesn’t really wash and wear very well. So if you get 10 wears out of something that cost €5 in Penney’s before it goes a bit raggy or bobbly or whatever that’s 50c a wear. Now if you are savvy you can get much higher quality stuff from high street stores on sale (if money if an issue) so you might spend €15 euro on something but get 50 or 60 wears out of if at least. That’s 30c a wear which make it cheaper than Penney’s in the long run and you have to shop less.

ChrissieH · 28-01-2019 11:58am

OP, I know from the way you write your posts that you're very humble, straight and self-deprecating, which are nice features in someone but I have to be honest with you and say that describing yourself as "too lazy to apply makeup and too cheap to buy nice clothes" is not really attractive.. I'm sorry. There's a world of difference between being vain and materialistic and being "lazy and cheap" so if you were just trying to convey that you're not vain in a light-hearted way, that's fine, but if you are genuinely too cheap and lazy to bother making any effort at all, then ... I'm sorry but that sounds very slob-like, which is infinitely more unattractive than being overweight or a virgin.

I have to agree with baby and crumble about the clothes. We all like a few bargains from Penneys but in my opinion, a lot of their stuff only looks really good on very thin teenagers - sorry if that's offensive to anyone, but I'm a size 10 41 year old and I haven't worn anything except the odd jumper & skinny jeans from Penneys in years because I see my friends' size 8 daughters wearing stuff that just looks way better than it does on me and that's just 1 dress size in the difference.
I'm no shopping guru, more's the pity, but I do know that the girls working in shops like Vila (just as an example) are absolutely great to help you and put outfits together for you. Money is a big hurdle for me because my husband is unemployed, so I hadn't bought clothes for myself in ages and I wandered into Vila one day, didn't particularly see any one thing that caught my eye, but when the shop assistant asked if I wanted any help, instead of my usual "no" answer, I just laughingly said that I hadn't a clue what I was even looking for, and she just zipped around the shop picking up lots of things and basically told me what top to try with what skirt / jeans, and I ended up coming out of the shop €150 lighter, but really really thrilled with my outfits, and as baby and crumble said; the quality is far better than Penneys - the skinny jeans for example, look lovely and strong but are also really comfy and they don't get baggy on the knees and don't make my knees numb when I'm sitting down!!

I don't want to sound judgemental or harsh, because I totally don't care what people wear or don't wear - I'm as plain as they come when it comes to outfits, I haven't got a clue how to accessorise and I usually only wear makeup going out or sometimes if I have spare time before going to work, I do put some on - but if I was feeling bad about my appearance, I know for certain that I'd feel way worse if I was dressing myself from head to toe in cheap, ill-fitting clothes, and not making any effort with my hair or makeup. Don't get me wrong, I'm a total feminist and hate the pressure that society puts on females to groom themselves, so I'm not saying that you should be doing these things that society encourages women to do, but I'm saying that even I, as a very confident woman, can appreciate that I feel a lot more confident in myself when I know I look better than I did when I rolled out of bed that morning.

It's only a small step and is very achievable to spend 10 minutes putting on some mascara, eyeshadow and a bit of bronzer, and maybe straightening / curling / tying up your hair nicely before going out and it can really boost your self-confidence, knowing that you look that little bit better.

It's really up to you to find the motivation to improve yourself & your self-esteem. We all live in the same world so we all know the things we should do for our health / weight, I doubt you need to be coached through all those kinds of things, it sounds like you are fairly self-aware.
It seems like you're convinced you'll be rejected by men and you don't want to risk the embarrassment. it's easy to blame your weight or your virginity because they're not "the real you" so he's only rejecting aspects of you that you've already held up as your 'weaknesses' so it's like "haha mate, the joke's on you - I hate these things about myself too, so I don't care that you hate them, bog off!"

kob29 · 30-01-2019 6:55pm

OP I was significantly older that you in ticking that box and honestly you can rest assured it's not a big issue or a big deal that you're building it up in your head to be. A guy who isn't a gobsh1te isn't going to care and will most likely be relieved that he doesnt have to live up to anyone elses efforts or risk a STI. And you definitely dont have to declare this right after telling him your name. It's your business only at that stage.

Your self-image is clearly in need of becoming your initial project. If you're not happy with your body, get a food and gym programme and go at that. Just dont expect it to cure everything. My friend married a morbidly obese lady last year that he met on tinder! So dont put build that up in your head as your big barrier. If you're not comfortable dating at the moment then put it on the back burner because it'll just be a pressure or hassle to you if its not what you actually want to do.
If it is then do it....try another online option and just date widely. Hell put it in your profile directly from the start that you're not into one night stands and filter out those creatures from the start. Go on dates where you do activities that interest you and your date where you can be you, not just sit and drink coffee and die a death over awkward conversation. But only do it if you actually want to.
You've plenty of time, it might sound cliche from the other side of things, but really from someone who had pretty much the same college/20s experience and outlook as you, I dont regret ticking that box earlier now, with someone right its worth the wait and it just doesnt matter that you're not in a position to write a guide book through it....tis right craic

igotissues · 31-01-2019 12:43pm

I think you might need to go to counselling for your ED- if your self image is this poor, and you still have issues around food/ eating/ body image then that would be a start. Improved confidence and self image and the other things will follow. I know it seems like the big deal but the virgin bit is just deflecting from the bigger issues you need to resolve. Turn your attention to yourself, and tune in to what is really going on for you. Wishing you strength.

Segotias · 31-01-2019 3:49pm

OP I think you’ve been given a lot of good advice here and the main theme of them is that you need to sort out how you perceive yourself.

You are hiding behind your “virginity card” to hide bigger issues. Describing yourself as inadequate or having inadequacies is a bigger issue then being a virgin. I think you need to be able to appreciate yourself and value yourself before you can expect to meet someone else who does.

You’ve said you don’t have time for exercising or food prep, I assume you’re not working 24/7 so have some time to bulk prep as suggested. You also I’d imagine get a lunch break that would allow you to go for a walk? Something to start moving more.

I completely understand the tinder thing of not swiping on a lot of men because they’re “out of your league” to be honest I’m the same, have removed all and any dating apps. I’ve realised that if I don’t think I’m attractive no one else will. Not saying we all have to be super models, but I’m hoping feeling more attractive and comfortable in my own skin will help me meet someone. If not it won’t matter as I’ll be happy with myself as I am.

I think once you’ve gotten your head past your obstacles, losing your virginity will happen with time and not be the struggle you’re seeing it as

Another Virginity Thread

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