Envy

LilacNails · 02-03-2021 1:42pm #1

Hi

I'm ashamed and embarresed to admit that I really tend to envy people around me, in particular a few family members.

Has anyone here managed to conquer envy? Any helpful tips or ways of getting over it?

I really hate it. I am trying lots of things to improve myself, but I feel it's a better issue the fact that they are family members. I have admitted to myself I feel this way, and am letting myself felt it, in order to accept it also.

I feel like I have to compete with them, but because of my own situation, I'm not going not be as "good as" Them. I know this is my own thinking , I just keep thinking how unfair I have it and how easier they have it.

*please don't post patronising advice like for all u know they could be jealous of u or go for a walk.

YellowLead · 02-03-2021 3:00pm

Hey what works for me if I start slipping into being envious of others is to actually look at those less fortunate and remind myself how lucky I am. For example I think to myself imagine if I was diagnosed with cancer, I’d be looking back at my healthy carefree life thinking god how lucky was I and I didn’t see it. Or I watch a documentary about people in war torn countries having family members shot in front of them and think - I have so much.

It’s just what works for me. It’s easy to feel envious when you are only examining those that have more and feeling like you have less, surround yourself with examples of those who have less and your attitude might shift.

Edit - I hope that doesn’t sound patronising but it’s how I approach things myself.

phildub · 02-03-2021 3:11pm

LilacNails wrote: »

Hi

I'm ashamed and embarresed to admit that I really tend to envy people around me, in particular a few family members.

Has anyone here managed to conquer envy? Any helpful tips or ways of getting over it?

I really hate it. I am trying lots of things to improve myself, but I feel it's a better issue the fact that they are family members. I have admitted to myself I feel this way, and am letting myself felt it, in order to accept it also.

I feel like I have to compete with them, but because of my own situation, I'm not going not be as "good as" Them. I know this is my own thinking , I just keep thinking how unfair I have it and how easier they have it.

*please don't post patronising advice like for all u know they could be jealous of u or go for a walk.

First off envy is normal Have, especially in this social media controlled world we live in so don't be so hard on yourself!
Have you thought about keeping a gratitude journal? Write down three things every day that you are grateful for.

Another technique is savouring, if you are sitting in the sun having a nice cup of tea, take time to stop and be in the moment and savour how it's feels.

Once you start focusing on what makes you happy and what you are grateful for you should start thinking less about others.

Another thing you could do is keep track of your goals. Make a list of your goals, sort them into long term/medium term/short term. Then set a time frame ofyou want to have them completed and maybe what you need to do in order to achieve them, this could involve setting up smaller goals. Eg I want a car but have no licence, step one apply for theory test, I will give myself 2 weeks to do that and I need to start practing in order to pass.

Don't be hard on your self if you don't meet your deadline but be thankful to yourself that you are making positive steps to achieve your goals.

I was.going to say look at what makes you envious of the other person and incorporate that but I don't know if that's a good idea, you need to focus on yourself, your goals/dreams/wants/desires and not worry about what everyone else is doing (in terms of goal setting etc)

Airyfairy12 · 02-03-2021 5:08pm

I recognise my feelings as jealousy, think about what insecurities I have that person or situation is triggering and causing me to feel that way. Recognize im the problem & not them and try to work on improving myself or accepting the insecurities if they cant be improved upon.

Jealousy can be healthy, it can spur you on to improve yourself.

Ellie2008 · 02-03-2021 10:33pm

I think it’s commonly thought that envy is no bad thing if it’s constructive but that jealousy will eat you up.

You don’t give any details re the source of your envy. If it’s money or status I think it would be useful to examine the way you look at the world & why you think these things are important. Push yourself to question why you think these things are important, if you really examine them in the context of the bigger picture of life - all of us here not knowing how or why, are they actually important?

I find if I experience negative emotions like anger or jealously the best thing I can do for myself is give myself space to deal with them.

LilacNails · 07-03-2021 2:08pm

YellowLead wrote: »

Hey what works for me if I start slipping into being envious of others is to actually look at those less fortunate and remind myself how lucky I am. For example I think to myself imagine if I was diagnosed with cancer, I’d be looking back at my healthy carefree life thinking god how lucky was I and I didn’t see it. Or I watch a documentary about people in war torn countries having family members shot in front of them and think - I have so much.

It’s just what works for me. It’s easy to feel envious when you are only examining those that have more and feeling like you have less, surround yourself with examples of those who have less and your attitude might shift.

Edit - I hope that doesn’t sound patronising but it’s how I approach things myself.

I do, do this alright. I suppose sometimes though, I can get so envious that it still doesn't have enough of an affect. People in those countries are surrounded by many other people in the same horrendous place as them.

LilacNails · 07-03-2021 2:12pm

phildub wrote: »

First off envy is normal Have, especially in this social media controlled world we live in so don't be so hard on yourself!
Have you thought about keeping a gratitude journal? Write down three things every day that you are grateful for.

Another technique is savouring, if you are sitting in the sun having a nice cup of tea, take time to stop and be in the moment and savour how it's feels.

Once you start focusing on what makes you happy and what you are grateful for you should start thinking less about others.

Another thing you could do is keep track of your goals. Make a list of your goals, sort them into long term/medium term/short term. Then set a time frame ofyou want to have them completed and maybe what you need to do in order to achieve them, this could involve setting up smaller goals. Eg I want a car but have no licence, step one apply for theory test, I will give myself 2 weeks to do that and I need to start practing in order to pass.

Don't be hard on your self if you don't meet your deadline but be thankful to yourself that you are making positive steps to achieve your goals.

I was.going to say look at what makes you envious of the other person and incorporate that but I don't know if that's a good idea, you need to focus on yourself, your goals/dreams/wants/desires and not worry about what everyone else is doing (in terms of goal setting etc)

I have done the gratitude diary, this is but embarrassing but the same things came up. The same kind of things a lot of people have.

See, I am focused on my desires, many I want I felt though they have been affected by my upbringing and the environment in Washington brought up in. And it's the people who have grown up in that healthy normal environment that I'm envious of.

LilacNails · 07-03-2021 2:14pm

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

I recognise my feelings as jealousy, think about what insecurities I have that person or situation is triggering and causing me to feel that way. Recognize im the problem & not them and try to work on improving myself or accepting the insecurities if they cant be improved upon.

Jealousy can be healthy, it can spur you on to improve yourself.

Yes I have learnt that alright in therapy, I guess I'm still in that uncomfortable zone of facing what I don't have and accepting it.

It's all so hard.

YellowLead · 07-03-2021 4:25pm

LilacNails wrote: »

See, I am focused on my desires, many I want I felt though they have been affected by my upbringing and the environment in Washington brought up in. And it's the people who have grown up in that healthy normal environment that I'm envious of.

I agree that a happy childhood with loving families is a great start and a great set up for evolving into a happy healthy adult. However, there comes a point where we all need to stand on our own two feet and sometimes I feel what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.

From being active on Boards you must see that there are so many people in the same boat who didn’t have great childhoods either, it’s just hard because those around you seem to have what you want. But look wider and you will find many have had bad relationship with parents and awkward starts in life and the only way to look is forward, never back, and look at what you do have.
It’s not easy - and envy is a human emotion we all feel from time to time - try to acknowledge it for what it is rather than feeding it and fixating on what others have, fixate on yourself.

Talking about it is a great start! Well done for wanting to tackle it instead of wanting to let it keep hold of you.

LilacNails · 08-03-2021 2:08pm

YellowLead wrote: »

It’s not easy - and envy is a human emotion we all feel from time to time - try to acknowledge it for what it is rather than feeding it and fixating on what others have, fixate on yourself.

I think this is my problem, I am fixated. I'm fixated on some relatives in particular, I constantly compare myself to them.

Like I said I have done quite a lot of work on myself, and I think I've realised I'm actually still not confident or happy with myself as much as I imagined/hoped.
I guess I feel I'm still waiting for nice good things to happen to me, and after writing that one think I still have so much work to do. *sighs*

Ellie2008 · 08-03-2021 2:19pm

LilacNails wrote: »

I think this is my problem, I am fixated. I'm fixated on some relatives in particular, I constantly compare myself to them.

Like I said I have done quite a lot of work on myself, and I think I've realised I'm actually still not confident or happy with myself as much as I imagined/hoped.
I guess I feel I'm still waiting for nice good things to happen to me, and after writing that one think I still have so much work to do. *sighs*

What "nice and good things" do you want? Are they realistic goals? If so, what's stopping you?

AndrewJRenko · 08-03-2021 9:22pm

Might be a good time for a little focus on reducing the chances that others don't suffer the kind of crappy childhood that you did - maybe you should get politically active or involved in a charity or volunteer to reduce the chances of it happening to others.

You'll have a bit more perspective and a bit less time for picking over your own bad experiences.

Rubberchikken · 09-03-2021 6:12am

Try reminding yourself every day of one good thing you have.
I've never done social media but I can only imagine the image that people put across. Even family can give the impression of having so much yet who knows what's behind it all ...they have worries too.

Envy

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