Don’t want relative driving

LegacyUser · 17-07-2019 10:43pm #1

Looking for some advice please on how to approach sensitively.

A close relative of mine is taking my 3 children for a few days, and I don’t want my children in the car with her. She is only partially sighted in one eye and, in moments in the past I have been a passenger, she is lethal and doesn’t see hazards eg truck on a roundabout, and only that I screamed we would have been under it!
They live in an isolated area, her husband drives ....so they wouldn’t be totally confined....but I really don’t want my children in the car with her....while I very much appreciate her minding my children....I will worry myself sick.
She can get quite stubborn and can get really “thick” if someone commented on any element of her ability.... once someone told her she looked tired, and she hasn’t spoken to them since!

Any thoughts on how I can approach sensitively? Ie that I would prefer if she didn’t travel with my children in the car?

Any advice would be appreciated as it really is bothering me.

banoffe2 · 18-07-2019 1:06am

Its an awkward and very sensitive one OP- I can totally appreciate where you are coming from and the risk your children could be under if they go in the car with her. Looking at her side I think no matter how careful and sensitive you approach the issue about driving with your kids in the car , there is a strong possibility that she wont respond well to your suggestion that it is ok for her to mind your kids for a few days but not to take them in the car with her, chances are she will be thinking that she is trusted to mind the kids but not to take them for a drive, is there a possibility that she may fall out with you? Either way it sounds like too much of a risk to put your kids in and the worry of it would spoil the break for you. Could you make some other arrangement for the kids to be minded? Best of luck with it

qwerty13 · 18-07-2019 1:58am

If you recognise how risky her behaviour on the road is, why are you leaving your kids with her? That’s not meant as a criticism of you. Surely if she’s that bad though, leaving her to drive your kids around is simply not an option

LegacyUser · 18-07-2019 8:53am

OP here...thank you for your replies.

I am a school teacher, so on my break at the moment, so I don’t “need” my children minded, however, this relative is insisting they go to her for a few days....

I am very conscious anything I could say could be misconstrued. Because of where she lives, she would loose her independence and become very isolated if she couldn’t drive....and I would hate that to happen to her, but she has some shocking driving habits that put her and others on the roads at risk. She will never put on her seatbelt, even as a passenger, unless told, and then when she does, she will put the strap under her arm as opposed to over her shoulder....I could go on, but I think you get why I am a bit anxious...

Gregor Samsa · 18-07-2019 9:34am

Has she ever had crash? You give one example that only for you shouting about the truck, you would have been under it, but I assume she doesn't always have you to warn her of dangers when driving. I say this because I know a couple of people who's driving I'm not at all impressed with (to the point that I was going to bring it up with them), but I have had to recognise that they've been driving for decades (longer than me) and have never had so much as a tip. So while they're far from perfect drivers, I have made the effort to give them the benefit of the reality that in all those years, nothing bad has actually happened. Now, I know it only takes one time for something terrible to happen, but that's true of us all - and that one time could even be something that's someone else's fault.

Anyway, assuming she really is a danger to your kids, I can't think of a way of saying it to her without seriously offending her - to the point of seriously affecting your relationship with her. You've already said that she doesn't take criticism well (most people actually don't). Driving is independence and a basic life skill to many people, and to tell them that they're so bad it it that you don't trust them with your children is not going to be well received. All you can do is not leave your kids with her if you really think their health or lives are in danger.

Anne_cordelia · 18-07-2019 9:36am

Could you struggle to fit car seats in her car and only put them in the husband’s car?

C3PO · 18-07-2019 10:45am

I don’t think that there’s any easy way out of this OP!
There’s really no way of kindly telling somebody that their driving is (in your opinion) so dangerous that you wouldn’t trust your children to them. I would certainly be insulted if somebody said this to me!
If you really feel this strongly about it, you should probably find some excuse not to send your children to stay with her. I can’t see any other route that won’t lead to you falling out with your relative.
As an aside, if her driving is as bad as you suggest then surely the logical conclusion is that this woman shouldn’t be on the road!

eviltwin · 18-07-2019 10:47am

Why are you giving into this woman? She has no right to insist your children visit. I think you're right to be concerned and that's reason enough to refuse

zoobizoo · 18-07-2019 11:01am

Canuhelp wrote: »

I don’t “need” my children minded, however, this relative is insisting they go to her for a few days....

You're an adult.

You can say no.

The way they react is up to them.

If she cannot respond like an adult or behave like an adult, I'm not sure why you'd want to leave your kids with her.

Failing that - go with them. You drive.

Claw Hammer · 18-07-2019 11:14am

Tell her that one more children get afraid whilst being a passenger in a car. Say that they will only travel in a car with you and wonder to other people who are well known to them and drive them frequently. Say that as a result of this they can't go and stay with her as they might act up when being driven. Tell her that you have been to see a psychiatrist about it and you have another appointment due near the end of August. Say that you hope that the children grow out of it.

ongarboy · 18-07-2019 11:21am

OP,

If this relative was prone to the following, would you trust your children in her care?

- She always forgets to turn off cooker rings after cooking - there have been several mini fires while the kids were there
- She often leaves the kids unattended in the paddle pool outside while she goes upstairs to watch soap operas
- She drinks herself into a stupor while the children play around her

Advising her of her incompetence in those situations would annoy or offend her too but you wouldn't think twice about no longer having the kids with her in these circumstances, right? (at least I'm hoping that would be your reaction - if not, then the bigger problem is you and not her). Why then are you afraid to address the situation when her driving incompetence has been directly observed first hand by you as well as her complete disregard for safety of herself and other road users/passengers? It's as bad or perhaps worse as the examples I've cited above. The second any of your children would be harmed in a traffic accident under her supervision, you would immediately regret not taking preventative action.

This is a no brainer decision - yes, it will ruffle feathers but your children's safety should supersede any of that. If she gets offended and refuses to be more careful (unlikely if these are driving habits of a lifetime), then that is a small price to pay to ensure your children's safety. I'm surprised a parent of children even needs to ask this question tbh.....

wiggle16 · 18-07-2019 11:54am

You're going to have to bite the bullet and say no.

There's no way you can say to her that she's not fit to drive without offending her, and as you say she's the easily offended type. And if you do she won't be taking the kids anyway so you have to just say no.

Make something up, or arrange a dentist's appointment for one of the kids during the time they've to be away. Say you'll make arrangements again for another time and then just leave it.

Idle Passerby · 18-07-2019 12:00pm

I think bluntly saying No is the best thing you could do. So what if she gets offended! Otherwise your knowingly putting your children in harm's way because your afraid to offend someone. Offend away and the added benefit is you'll be rid of her.

Neyite · 18-07-2019 12:38pm

Can you get her husband on side to ensure that only he does the driving?

If not then you need to suck it up and either not allow the children to visit or make it crystal clear to her that she's not to put them into the car with her driving because if she does you'll never let the children stay with her again.

If it's your mother in law, then your partner needs to be the one to have the tough conversation. If it's a relation on your side of the family then you need to do it.

Xterminator · 18-07-2019 12:56pm

Hi Op

they are your children, and you need to do whats best for them, regardless of your relatives feelinggs.

I do however wonder if your relative is insured? if so, how many accidents have they had in the last 5 years? if they are regularly driving and have a clean license then it would suggest that your relative may be a better driver than 80% of the drivers out there.

so if you have reasonable concerns you need to act on them. if you have unreasonable concerns based on one scary moment then perhaps you should at least step back and take an reasoned look at the situation.

Faith · 18-07-2019 12:59pm

If she’s only partially sighted, is she legally allowed to drive? You can make an anonymous complaint to the DVLA in the UK if you’re concerned about someone’s driving; I wonder if you can do the same with the NDLS? I’d be inclined to call them and ask. It’s not just your children at risk; it could be all road users if she’s really that risky.

Gregor Samsa · 18-07-2019 2:28pm

Faith wrote: »

If she’s only partially sighted, is she legally allowed to drive? You can make an anonymous complaint to the DVLA in the UK if you’re concerned about someone’s driving; I wonder if you can do the same with the NDLS? I’d be inclined to call them and ask. It’s not just your children at risk; it could be all road users if she’s really that risky.

There's a (non exhaustive) list of medical conditions that require that you get a medical report from a doctor before you apply for or renew a licence. Here's the ones relating to vision:

Any condition affecting the drivers peripheral vision.
Total loss of sight in one eye.
Any condition affecting both eyes, or the remaining eye if driver only has one eye (Not including colour blindness or short or long sight).

https://www.rsa.ie/RSA/Licensed-Drivers/Safe-driving/Medical-Issues/

I don't see anything on the RSA website about repoting medically unfit drivers, but they do have these contact details specifically for Medical fitness to Drive, so I would assume they would advise:

Road Safety Authority
Driver Testing
Medical Fitness to Drive
Moy Valley Business Park
Primrose Hill
Ballina
Co. Mayo
Ireland

Email: medicalfitness@rsa.ie

Zen65 · 18-07-2019 6:37pm

Canuhelp wrote: »

Any advice would be appreciated as it really is bothering me.

How would you feel if she had them in the car, had an accident, and one or more of your kids were critically injured, or worse?

How would you feel about yourself, your weakness in failing to be the responsible parent?

Not so good, I imagine. After all, you knew the dangers. You posted about them here.

So is the only option for you that you do not let her mind your kids, or you insist that she does not drive with them in the car?

Let me say that anyone who does not wear a safety belt while driving, or while in a car, is an irresponsible idiot. Anyone who slips the safety belt under their shoulder is an idiot, just as much as somebody who drives while drunk or texts while driving. It's not just their own lives that are affected by these choices, it's the lives of their families. I've seen crash photos of passengers cut in two in an accident while wearing the belt incorrectly, and listened to police officers tell stories of accidents they had to deal with where a relatively minor crash left a passenger paralysed because they wore the belt incorrectly.

If it were me, I would not let my kids be in that relative's car.

Z

rainbowtrout · 18-07-2019 7:49pm

OP your choices are as follows, would you rather put your children at risk of her driving or would you rather cause offence?

She's insisted they have to visit, you don't have to oblige. You could visit her (and you drive) on a day trip if it not too far away, or stay overnight with them and come home the following day, and you can do the driving.

An earlier post mentioned that her driving might not be great but if she's driving for decades then it's probably ok. My grandfather was a crap driver, and I remember being picked up from school by him as a child and I remember awful driving even 35 years ago, driving straight onto a roundabout, not stopping at red lights etc, he never had a tip but that's because other drivers took corrective action so there wouldn't be an accident.

If this woman isn't too keen on seatbelts, I can't imagine she'll be too fussed on children being strapped in properly either.

Miaireland · 18-07-2019 8:12pm

Could you fit the car seats into her husband's car and say they are awkward to fit so it would better not to move them?. Hopefully she only drives her own car. Otherwise I would not let my kids stay tbh.

SirChenjin · 18-07-2019 11:16pm

Honestly, I know it's not an easy situation, I'm guessing this person might be your mother or mother -in-law.

You have to weigh up which is more important, your children's safety or this person's feelings and their sulking if you say something.

No contest really.

Roen · 18-07-2019 11:35pm

Why don't you go with the kids and do the driving bit if possible?

Also if you're that worried about the relative's ability to drive why don't you say or do something about it? From what you've said it's only an issue now your kids might be at risk. They the only ones that are on the road?

You've been in incidents that you said you had to shout at them to avoid an accident. Do something before it's too late.

Difficult situation to be in I'll admit bit you have to make a stand at some stage. Up to you to decide when that is.

JustAThought · 19-07-2019 12:28am

To renew your license you have to declare any issues with sight - amongst other things - and for my insurance there was a raft of medical questions that I had to answer yes/no to. Chances are she has done the same and been passed - particularly if she is blind in one eye - there is an eyesight test required and letter from doctor if you wear glasses so I doubt this wpuld gave been let slip.

Reagrdless they are your children and it is up to you to say yes/no.

Has she taken them before for the day and if so did they stay in her house all the time or did they go out in the car? How did you handle that then?Or is being blind a new thing and so making you extra concerned about it now? Not seeing the truck may have presed all your buttons and it may or may not have been related to her blund side/eyesight or her concentration - does sge always drive with near misses ir was i an only once iccasion - have you been with her in the car as a passenger a lot etc. I KNOW as a driver I find it a bit nerve wrecking to be a passenger in the front sometimes as things seem closer from tge oassenger seat and I think as though I am driving and would make different decisions re speed/distances/lanes/braking distance etc.

Can you share with us what kind of relation she is as if she is the granny or does a lot of regular childminding that you rely on or is in the family home a lot : this will have an impact on how careful you should be in your approach - also if she is an in-law rather than blood family and how this could affect other relationships. I figure she is older and close as she can demand you 3 kids for the weekend and hou feel obliged to deliver!

Don’t want relative driving

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