Am I in a toxic/co-dependant relationship?

LegacyUser · 29-05-2021 7:01pm #1

Been in a relationship for just over 2 years now.

Over the past while, we began to talk about living together and the future and what that looks like etc etc. I am Irish but have been living abroad for the past few years.

Lately, it has begun to play on my mind that some of the dynamic in this relationship isn't really very conductive or understanding at times. What i mean by this, we both have different hobbies and interests, I enjoy doing some of these on my own like riding my motorbike and so on, nothing out of the ordinary.

What has become a bit more obvious (maybe more so with Covid and then the isolation that comes with living in a city we both are not from), is that the codependency of this relationship is really a lot. I, by my nature, am very used to and enjoy a degree of solitude. I also like to live a healthy lifestyle but the other half (before covid) enjoyed going to clubs for dancing and so on. I detest nightclubs with a passion.

To go with that, my GF has a tendency to bring up things from the past a lot, almost as a from of currency if we get into an argument. This has really begun to get on my nerves and I have explained this to her also. We will get into silly arguments, example being why don't I post about her on social media when I have deleted all my social media due to the chronic homesickness and anxiety is was bringing me. I have had to explain this multiple times over the past few months to the point of exhaustion. She also compares our relationship to those of her friends, "Well XYZ moved in after this many months" or "XYZ takes photos of her all the time and says all these lovely things all the time". These types of comments really feel like an undercut on what I really put effort into every day. Words of affirmation are not my primary love language so I really put effort in to work on that, but she still has this habit of correcting me if I say something, like "well you could say this instead next time".

After some of these arguments/discussions, I get the "You know I think the world of you though, right", and lately this has felt a bit toxic to me. It gives her a get out of jail free card for saying things that aren't really conductive (in my opinion) but then try to gloss over it with a nice comment at the end. I don't think that should be the case. She will also bring up a lot of things from the past, or if we did something like go out for a meal or something (which we split the bill) she will then bring up the cost and how she wasn't happy with the food, always after. She does not bring this up when I pay for the bill for us.

This has maybe come to the fore with homesickness and so on, and it has me thinking a lot. I do love her but at the same time I have to think of if we were living together, would it be different or just more constant?

Feel a bit like I am between a rock and a hard place right now. The mood swings over petty, trivial things like photos, social media posts and saying certain things are really adding up, put that in with homesickness etc, it can play on my mind a lot.

Not sure if I am asking for advice or a place to vent. I do see a counsellor fairly regularly, we have discussed compassion for myself and being more honest about my needs. But I feel that my needs may be at odds with hers at times. I know compromise is a factor in all relationships, but I feel sometimes that I am sacrificing a lot just to not upset her. I fear that she will get into a mood and then bring up stupid things to then have a fight/disagreement over.

Thanks for reading.

29-05-2021 7:43pm

Yes.

Picked up straight away where your partner raises the more unsavoury moments of your past in stressful exchanges.
One definite flag that things are not going well.

MissShihTzu · 29-05-2021 9:13pm

Can't add any more to what Xieann said. Your partner sounds very needy and childish. Why on earth would you post about each other on social media? Half the stuff on there isn't real/true and should be taken with a very large pinch of salt! Does it make your relationship better if you post something about her?? I do have SM accounts but rarely post anything about my husband on there. He doesn't have any at all and couldn't care less about it!!

In some fairness to her, she is also living in a city that isn't home -right? Coupled with the pandemic and whatever lockdown measures are in place, it seems to have brought things to a head.

Could you take a break for a while? Clear your heads and see where you really stand?

ILoveYourVibes · 29-05-2021 10:46pm

If you feel its toxic ...it is.

I think that is the healthy way to think about it.

You need to validate your own feelings.

It seems like .....she has this other idea of a relationship or a guy in her head ..and like she is comparing you to this ...

maybe you are doing the same like ...

You both seem to be wanting a different kind of relationship with different people. But you are who you are.

You like solitude and quiet ...she likes nightclubs.

She wants words of affirmation ...you dont want to do this. Its not you.

But I feel that my needs may be at odds with hers at times.

I sense the same thing.

You two don't belong together. That is my opinion.

Her bringing up the past ....one indicates she is not happy with the present ...and two that she can't let go of it.

I doubt she is happy either. TBH you both sound miserable but neither of you can let go and make the decision.

I would asses the relationship.

Probably i would end it. Try and end it now in a less toxic dragged out way where you can both go ..ok we had some good times..and i wish you all the best.

zoobizoo · 29-05-2021 11:21pm

Forget about love for a minute because there seems to be a bit of 'I love her but X, Y & Z".

She's doing lots of things that you don't like and that doesn't seem to be changing. A pattern has developed and as a result you're altering your position to avoid conflict.

What you need to ask yourself is how much of this is normal compromise and how much is just to avoid an argument / moods which you in the end have to compromise over anyway.

That will cause resentment. Because you're not being you.

I've walked away from a relationship like that in my late 20s because the compromise was one way and despite the 'love' it was a relationship that couldn't grow because I wasn't allowed to be me.

It would always be stuck in that cycle of me having to change my position.

No amount of "I love you"s will improve things. Its a temporary fix.

Do you honestly think that you can grow together as a couple and learn from each other?

It doesn't sound like it. Because if she hasn't learned something simple like 'my boyfriend has told me that he doesn't like social media and won't post photos up and I will leave it at that because he has explained his reasons to me and I respect that" then she isn't listening to you.

It could be that you're just not suited.

If you were to ask yourself honestly "do I really want to be with this person?", what would your answer be?

Forget about "love" and ask yourself "if I knew that she would have turned into this type of person , I would still have chosen to go out with her?".

I don't know your relationship history but is this your most long term one?

If you're going to see a counselor to talk about your relationship, is that because you don't want to talk to friends or a family member in case you be tokd something you don't want to hear? (apologies if that is not the case)

The DayDream · 29-05-2021 11:50pm

That sounds head wrecking. Be glad you took so long to move in together. Because the annoying things and fights will only get worse and there's no getting away then, and when you do inevitably break up it's a lot harder.

Partners who compare themselves to other people's socials are never happy with their lives including their partner, ie: you will never be happy because apparently it's your fault her day to day doesn't look like an influencer's amazeballs life. The fact she is obsessed with socials and you deleted says it all about how compatible you are to me.

I've dated women where nothing you ever do is ever good enough and they are the worst partners to have. Those type of comments can crush you. I had one tell me, after landing down to dinner in a hotel on the first day of a holiday, that we never go anywhere. Not like a, 'Oh this is so nice, we don't do this enough.' but just flatly saying we never go anywhere.

The entire holiday was paid for by me, after saving for 6 months at a new job I got after being unemployed for an entire year and a half in the last recession (which was why we had not been on any holidays!). She wasn't even working herself at the time. I was raging. The remark was not only hurtful, but the timing of it and how much it upset me all but ruined the trip. Dumped her straight away when we got home.

And of course we have this whole expectation to constantly be giving compliments and shouting our love from the rooftops. How often do women compliment men? IME it's usually a one way street.

Now I'm obviously my own (bitter) experience is informing my advice here, and it's always easy to just say 'dump them' when it's someone else's life, but some of us are not able for that crap. And I'm one of them. I'd rather be single than have someone constantly treating FB or IG like gocompare for BFs.

YellowLead · 30-05-2021 12:03am

It sounds like this relationship is exhausting for you and not bringing you up, but bringing you down.

Sometimes in these situations people like the idea of being in a relationship - with the nice parts - so much that they somehow can’t see the wood for the trees and put up with really childish/toxic/bad behaviour because they fear being alone.

I’m not sure this is co-dependent, it sounds more just dependent, on your part. I feel like your partner would easily move on to the next person to manipulate as she clearly doesn’t understand or care about YOUR needs, just the portrayal of it to the outside world/her fantasy idea of what it should be.

There are plenty of people out there who won’t behave like this, perhaps it’s time to consider setting yourself free to meet and be happy with one of those

Zebrag · 30-05-2021 7:45am

Hi OP

Has your GF ever heard of the expression... "The grass is always greener on the other side"?

This is a clear example of why you shouldn't always believe what people post on SM. While someone would gloat about their partners online, there's an element of something else lacking or when the SM is closed for the night, you don't know what is actually going on. Its not always the case but often enough it's as simple as, you never know what's going on behind closed doors. Your GF is idolizing the physical evidence in front of her but is failing to realise that gloating about your other half online is sometimes trying to prove to the world, and themselves, that they are hiding what is going on or hiding general feelings around a relationship.

Example now... This is how you're feeling and you're anonymously online trying to phantom what's going on, while she's posting a picture stating how amazing the relationship is. To the person viewing, they think eveeything is great and you two are an amazing couple making a life for each other. On the other hand, you're struggling, but yet your GF isn't going to post that part of the relationship because that doesn't bring in the likes or comments. Your GF doesn't want the world to view that her partner is question the relationship and future.

I've found that those who go on SM to declare their love for someone has ended in tears with a disappearance of the said relationship and all traces deleted with no word of what happened. Not that they have to explain the reasons behind a split but as far as I'm concerned, if you're willing to update your SM on the amazingness of a partner and gloating, then the least you could do is update (that's just me being extremely nosey though)

I have SM pages but no traces of my relationship (sorry bar one photo in the years that we've been together) It doesn't mean that I'm ashamed or I want to hide my partner. I physically tell him everyday I love him and physically show affection, he's the same. I don't need to see a post or comment online for proof.

Your girlfriend sounds extremely childish in this aspect. Maybe she does feel that posting on SM is a sign of pride and wants to show you off and I don't disagree in that sense but when the other person doesn't agree, it shows your GF true colours in how she really feels. Why does she feel the need to want to post? Using the excuse that XYZ does it, doesn't cut it.

While in therapy myself I learned a lot about boundaries and how to bring that into a relationship without arguments or raising questions of whether the relationship is wrong. As a couple you've to learn to not only grow together but you've to learn each others habits and accept some faults, not major faults but faults like maybe they snore too loudly or eat with a spoon instead of a fork sort of thing. You can accept this as a tolerance. When you feel that you're constantly having to give rhymes and reasons because their issue and feelings turn on you, that's when it can turn nasty and make you question yourself, nevermind the relationship.

Say for example, you've said your GF likes to remind you that she cares the world of you, then proceeds to belittle and demand certain things that are boundaries to you (No SM because of homesickness) To me, that's not taking you into consideration, she's expressing her anger and changing words to make you see one positive aspect when really, she is trying to get what she wants without physically doing anything. You've no SM due to homesickness and hasn't given that a thought.

Its clear to me, and to other posters, that the relationship seems one sided but again that's your own voice giving your side and I can't sit here and say your GF feels like XYZ but as a personal element and when you feel yourself questioning the relationship and finding theres some flags there that you're not happy with, you've the option of speaking to your GF and telling her that something doesn't feel right or you can allow yourself the boundary of knowing your feelings are more important than allowing your GF's pride and control and possibly walk away.

Either ways feelings will get hurt.

Good luck OP.

Larbre34 · 30-05-2021 7:47am

Bail bail bail.

Rubberchikken · 30-05-2021 8:44pm

I think there's compromise and then there's giving in. They're not the same thing.
She doesn't seem to be compromising or willing to.
I assume she realizes you're homesick and still insists on SM posts. She quibbles about food quality when she's paid half the bill.

In truth all fairly petty things but add in homesickness, which is awful, and things will pile up.

You need to decide if you do love her. If you do see a future together.
If it's a 'i love her but...' then maybe it's time to rethink.

Good luck

Potatopie · 30-05-2021 11:19pm

Hey!
I've been your gf in relationships! I've been the one making my partner feel bad. I've been the one comparing myself to everyone. It's so so exhausting.
Maybe there is alot of love between you both and maybe you are right for each other but it is not the right time at the moment.
Your girlfriend has no idea of what she has and is not grateful for anything at the moment and she won't change until something changes.
You don't deserve to be treated badly. Your gf doesn't realise she's treating you badly because she is not thinking inward to your relationship and your needs, she's thinking outward.
Take a break and give her a few months and see if you still want to get back together

LegacyUser · 15-06-2021 8:07pm

Thanks for the feedback.

The past few weeks have again been very peak and valley. She is going through a lot with her work and health (she is fine, but she worries an awful lot).

While we have had some good days, the bad are still there. Lately there have been talks about the future and so on, and when we talk about things and seem to come to a resolution or agreement, the next day she seems to bring things up again and it starts all over.

There is also this trait of catastoihpsing scenarios. I told her I recently got a contact for some new work (mainly networking) and her response, word for word was "Oh, you never mentioned that before, what else haven't you been telling me???", I was not too happy with that kind of answer to be honest. She will make small remarks also in that type of conversation, usually via text, and it really just flat out infuriates me.

I have talked to a close friend of mine over this, their advice was flat out to end it. They also observed that they think I won't end it because I have my GFs feelings as more important than my own...which sounds kinda true to be honest. I am legit terrified of her reaction if I was to end it. Only at the weekend she was in floods of tears over something she THOUGHT I said and I had to clear the air over that. When I think about it, it just worries me to the core of how bad it would be...

florawest · 15-06-2021 9:09pm

Selby Boss wrote: »

Thanks for the feedback.

The past few weeks have again been very peak and valley. She is going through a lot with her work and health (she is fine, but she worries an awful lot).

While we have had some good days, the bad are still there. Lately there have been talks about the future and so on, and when we talk about things and seem to come to a resolution or agreement, the next day she seems to bring things up again and it starts all over.

There is also this trait of catastoihpsing scenarios. I told her I recently got a contact for some new work (mainly networking) and her response, word for word was "Oh, you never mentioned that before, what else haven't you been telling me???", I was not too happy with that kind of answer to be honest. She will make small remarks also in that type of conversation, usually via text, and it really just flat out infuriates me.

I have talked to a close friend of mine over this, their advice was flat out to end it. They also observed that they think I won't end it because I have my GFs feelings as more important than my own...which sounds kinda true to be honest. I am legit terrified of her reaction if I was to end it. Only at the weekend she was in floods of tears over something she THOUGHT I said and I had to clear the air over that. When I think about it, it just worries me to the core of how bad it would be...

Hi ya,

Could you actually lay bare everything and show her this thread and say something has got to change and if she is still kicking off ( female here) bring up stuff again and again it doesn't look very positive for long term.

Give her the option maybe of couple therapy and try it for a three month period. Relationship's can be hard work and great but both people need to be open, honest and try to accommodate the other person 50/50.

MissShihTzu · 15-06-2021 9:40pm

Communication seems to be an issue here, OP. After you got the contract, how long was it until you shared the news? If the two of you are partners, this is stuff you should be sharing. I'm not talking about every little thing, but if you'd told her earlier, she might've been able to share the process and support you through it.

The fact your partner brings stuff up again, after you thought you talked it out is worrying too. Why do you think she does that?

I think maybe you should take a break as I suggested earlier. As things stand, it just doesn't seem to be working. Get some space, and you can decide whether this relationship is truly for you.

YellowLead · 15-06-2021 9:52pm

It sounds like this relationship is stressful and draining for you, and your friend can clearly see that. It seems to be that you are the only one making an effort here.

I think for the sake of your own mental health you need to walk away. Don’t be afraid of telling her - people are allowed to break up and you don’t owe her anything.

If you feel like you still love her and there is a chance, you could explain exactly what you are feeling and tell her that you want to end the relationship if things don’t change and see what she says. But I think a clean break is wisest.

It seems people put up with a lot of crap in relationships because they feel they have to, for some bizzare reason.

Dog day · 15-06-2021 9:58pm

Although communication is key in relationships there are just too many red flags here to ignore OP, she’s repeatedly showing you who she is at her core. I’d respectfully advise against the advice by a previous poster to show her this thread, I’d envisage the ensuing melt down would be beyond draining. Your friends that know you well have the clarity that being on the outside looking in can bring. The writing is on the wall here & I’d echo YellowLeads advice on making a clean break.

zoobizoo · 16-06-2021 6:46am

Selby Boss wrote: »

the next day she seems to bring things up again and it starts all over.

I told her I recently got a contact for some new work (mainly networking) and her response, word for word was "Oh, you never mentioned that before, what else haven't you been telling me???",

...

If you can't have a normal chat without it turning into some accusations, then what hope is there?

You want to be able to express yourself/say what you feel/ think without responses like the above.

You will soon stop telling her things / expressing
Yourself for fear of her irrational upset and what type of relationship will you have then?

Things won't get better for you. You'll be watching what you say constantly and that will start to eat you up.

Listen to your friend.

Jequ0n · 16-06-2021 8:03am

Selby Boss wrote: »

Thanks for the feedback.
I am legit terrified of her reaction if I was to end it. Only at the weekend she was in floods of tears over something she THOUGHT I said and I had to clear the air over that. When I think about it, it just worries me to the core of how bad it would be...

And is this what you want from your relationship?
I think by now you have answered your own question and might want to focus on how to get out of it.
You seem to have a good friend who can and will help you with this. Once she gets an inkling that you are doubting things s he will put on more pressure/ tears and you will question yourself. Therefore make sure you do not let her get in between yourself and your friend and come up with an exit strategy. I have not been in your situation before but there are posters here who can advise you should you decide to go ahead.

LegacyUser · 16-06-2021 9:03am

Listen to your friend.

He/she wants you to do what's best for you but has been honest enough with you to tell you he/she doesn't believe you will because you are putting your girlfriends feelings above yours. That last bit was important feedback; they hope you will put your own feelings first but fear that you won't.

Sounds like a smart friend to me.

LegacyUser · 17-06-2021 1:42pm

Hi OP, I've read through your thread and I find that I could have written it in exactly the same way.

I'm in pretty much the same place and finding it very hard to get myself out of it because I don't want to hurt her. She's very emotional and I find it hard to deal with when the reaction to something small or perceived to be bad is so extreme, to me at least.

You sound like a very decent guy and much like me you really need to work on putting yourself first. Once you get that straight in your head, it should be easier to pick a path forward.

I do think that covid has, for want of a better word, intensified some of the relationships that developed over the last year and as the world opens up, people will start to re-examine them.

Best of luck!

Neyite · 18-06-2021 11:19am

They also observed that they think I won't end it because I have my GFs feelings as more important than my own...which sounds kinda true to be honest. I am legit terrified of her reaction if I was to end it. Only at the weekend she was in floods of tears over something she THOUGHT I said and I had to clear the air over that. When I think about it, it just worries me to the core of how bad it would be...

I stayed with someone for about 6 months past the point I knew I wanted to end the relationship because I knew he would be in bits over the break up. Someone spotted it, and I'd admitted I wanted out for some time, but "he'd be devastated if I broke up with him" and their response was bluntly - What's your alternative, spend the rest of your life with him then? and that really got me thinking - my options were to either stay and be utterly miserable, or rip the band-aid off.

Yes the breakup was tough, he was in bits, I stayed the hell away from him and heard through mutual friends he was wallowing an awful lot but there's nothing I could do about it. But for the first time in ages I felt like I could breathe. And he did get over it and moved on, after a while. He was a nice guy, just not the guy for me.

I agree with your friend - but you really should rip the band aid off if you aren't happy. And honestly, you aren't giving her what she needs either - she wants the guy who gushes publicly and fills face-book with all that stuff. She equates that to real feelings. Now we know it's BS but until she has that kind of relationship and sees the superficiality of it, she won't value the guy who does the loving caring stuff for her and not for show. Or maybe she never will realise that and is happy with the big showy stuff. Either way, neither of you are happy, but she doesn't realise it yet.

santana75 · 18-06-2021 5:18pm

She's communicating with you in a passive aggressive manner. The emphasis on "Aggressive". Thats not love........its not even '"Like". I've met people like this, I;ve been relationships with them and let me tell you, you cant win. She wont change, she doesnt see herself in a realistic way. She's blind to the way she's acting out. Something very dramatic has to happen in order for someone like that to finally see how they really are, that usually comes in the form of someone doing to her what shes been doing to you. Then the penny will drop. But that would literally take an act of God. Save yourself a lot of hassle bro, get out of this situation, like I said, she aint gonna change, in fact it will only get worse. Walk away and learn the lessons that this situation has taught you, look for those red flags. People who communicate in a passive aggressive manner are to be avoided at all costs.

Am I in a toxic/co-dependant relationship?

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