Feeling lost and as if my life has no purpose

LegacyUser · 01-02-2019 12:28pm #1

Hi,

I know that this type of thread comes up quite a lot here but I would really appreciate some advice.

Essentially, from the outside my life looks pretty good, I graduated from college last summer, got a job in September (in healthcare) that isn't perfect but I enjoy it most of the time. I loved college, was interested in my degree and I am lucky enough that I knew what I wanted to do in life from at least a professional perspective. I have a small number of good friends, a group from school and a group from college.

But I suppose since I got my first job I've been feeling quite low, bored, and almost empty. I just keep thinking what is the point of my life. I've only had 2 relationships throughout my time in college and both only lasted a few months, I wasn't great at balancing my time and I suppose looking back I just didn't like them enough to put them before college/ friends/ part time job. I kept saying to myself that when I got settled in my job I'd join tinder or bumble but I've put it off over and over again.

I have plenty of interests, I love going out for walks, cooking, reading, current affairs and the environment but none of them are really social hobbies. I used to love playing tennis but I tried to re join a club after about 8 years but there wasn't a single person close in age to me in the social groups, everyone was 40+ (I am 23).

Because I have been feeling quite down and unhappy recently I have been eating emotionally (which I used to do coming up to exams/ stressful times) but it has got a lot worse recently and its happening when I'm bored, which is a lot of the time. Im putting on weight as a result of this and it's probably making me feel even worse about myself. I realise that I'm doing it but I just don't stop because I think whats the point?

I also live at home still and I would love to move out but my job isn't permanent (most jobs in my area aren't - there are plenty of jobs but permanent ones don't come up that often) and I would be worried about moving out then finding out that my contract will be up in a month.

I don't know if a lot of this or any of it made sense, I just wanted to get it out and hopefully someone will have suggestions for me. I don't know if I am just lazy or is this depression or do I just need to snap out of it.

Thanks.

Adnan44 · 01-02-2019 9:23pm

Hi OP, sorry you're feeling unhappy. I can relate to a lot of your post unfortunately.
Have you considered CBT?
Where in the country are you if you don't mind me asking..

shesty · 01-02-2019 10:12pm

Unfortunately I think this is something that hits a lot of people once they leave college - I think I've seen it referred to elsewhere as a quarter life crisis. It's not really lazy or anything, I think it's just after being in the education structure and always having set goals for your whole life, suddenly you're in charge, and nobody else is telling you what to do. And lots of people end up feeling lost. I have been there and done that too.

Time is one way that it tends to resolve itself. Definitely making the effort to get out and have a few social hobbies helps. I've recommended this here before, but tag rugby is a great social outlet - it's mixed and anybody can walk in and find a team, you don't need to know what to do have a high fitness level or anything. There tends to be a good social life with it. Are there any clubs in your college you get into as an alumni either? Any groups you could join through work or locally or anything?

CBT isfdefinitely good but whether it is worth it at this point, I'm not sure.

joeguevara · 02-02-2019 5:58am

Firstly I think it’s important to realize that you have to decide to be happy. No one or nothing external can make you happy unless you believe in yourself. If you are relying on external factors such as relationships or a job to define your self worth without actually believing in yourself then it usually leads to disappointment. Especially when you get a relationship or that job you wanted and still feel down then it’s a self destruction cycle.

Tell yourself every day that you are a good person who deserves to be happy. Try every day to be the best you can be and if you have setbacks it is only part of life. If you are in a good place then you will flourish. Also know that everyone has self doubts. No one is 100% sure of their purpose at any time. Don’t compare yourself to others and just do the best you can.

LegacyUser · 03-02-2019 4:16pm

Thank you for your responses.

I'm in Dublin, which I know means that there is a multitude of things for me to do on my doorstep I just can't find anything that I am that interested in and the motivation to join it.

I have thought about tag rugby, I was never really into team sports as a child and I'm not super fit at the moment. I also find it very hard and nerve wracking to join things where there is already an established group. I'm quite shy in large groups and I think this has definitely held me back from joining things in the past.

dory · 04-02-2019 10:16am

shesty wrote: »

Unfortunately I think this is something that hits a lot of people once they leave college - I think I've seen it referred to elsewhere as a quarter life crisis. It's not really lazy or anything, I think it's just after being in the education structure and always having set goals for your whole life, suddenly you're in charge, and nobody else is telling you what to do. And lots of people end up feeling lost. I have been there and done that too.

I agree with all of this. Mid 20s is a tough time, you're out on your own, no one telling you what to do. You have to learn to budget, and make big decisions. I read a lot on 1/4 life crises at the time. At the very least it will make you realise this is a very common thing. Have you thought about a sport that's not team orientated? Maybe a hiking group or something? Volunteering can be a great outlet as well. Gives you a bit of prospective.

JustAThought · 07-02-2019 2:07am

Sounds like you need a bit of a social or energy boost. Cooking, reading, walking and the environment are all very (sorry) dull and qiute solitary hobbies for a 23 y old. You say you have good friends from college & that is great. Have you considered some of the groups in meetup.com - all kinds of activities and agegroups catered for there - maybe mix it up a bit and join one of their cook /supper groups; or a proactive environment group like the cleanup Bull Island group, or something like the meet up to go clubbing group or the adventure spirts group - tag is a great way to get fit and meet rotating teams -sure its all worth a look ; plenty to choose from on that site. And there is always Bumble if you fancy a bit of possible romance....☺

shesty · 07-02-2019 11:02am

No need for fitness

there are some facebook groups, and you can join and offer yourself as a player to help teams out. It's very casual so teams regularly don't have the numbers needed and will look for an extra player (especially girls) each week by posting. There are not really established groups exactly, more like each team is different and will often share players etc. It's quite social that way, a very loose structure.

Is there anything else you are into? Choirs, singing, walking, watersports??? Unfortunately it takes a big leap to put yourself out there, it's hard the first few times. I am not the most outgoing myself, but I have to push myself to get involved and it's a great sense of achievement when I do.

PHG · 08-02-2019 4:19pm

Hi OP,

I highly recommend meetup.com. There is something there for everyone no matter what your taste. I am using it here in Europe and already made a few friends from UK, Poland and Scotland.

The Riverbar off O'Connell Street used to do Salsa, went a few times with an ex and lots of people on their own there.

Also, join the expat FB group for Dublin. I am on the one here and there are lots of locals in it. nobody cares as everyone in the same boat and looking to meet new people.

I know its really tough but you its motivation through action not action through motivation. Being out of the comfort zone is awful but you can do it. Give everything at least 3 goes to get a feel for it and be sure.

Best of Luck!!!!

ChrissieH · 08-02-2019 6:26pm

Hi OP,

Is it an option to move into a house-share, even if your job does end at some point, is it likely to happen in a month if you've already been there a while? I know I'm speaking from the 'luxury' of not living in Dublin, so maybe I'm talking through my behind, thinking that a house-share is a possibility! It's just that I met great, long-term friends from my living arrangements throughout my 20s, and there's an new social-life and a new circle of friends to meet if you're lucky enough to shack up with a couple of people your own age.

It really sounds like you're living the life of a middle-aged person, not a 23 year old, and I agree with the other posters who reckon that your frame of mind is quite common - for me, the idea of being finished college and facing into this forever abyss ahead of me, of endless working 5 days a week, no more long holidays - I found that pretty depressing, let me tell you! But it isn't going to suddenly change if you don't try a few new tactics.

I wouldn't give up on the tennis, even just from a health point of view - I totally understand your reluctance to join a competitive or team sport group, I wouldn't be sporty at all and would be far too intimidated to join anything like that, but at least with the tennis, you already know what you're doing and if nothing else, it might help with the eating / weight gain.

I think breaking things down into small chunks might help you - you are really looking at a very big picture by listing all the things you're not too happy with, and that's like looking at a massive mountain and thinking "there's no way I can get over that!!" whereas if you just do a few small things, you'll gradually make it.

Making friends can be difficult once we're out of education, there's such a varied age-range in any job or social setting, so people are at different stages in their lives and don't always have the time to make new friendships but you've gotten good suggestions from other posters here about ways to go about meeting people; while it might seem daunting, it's probably necessary for you to do one of these things in order to build your self-confidence and realise that you can actually build a life for yourself.

LegacyUser · 09-02-2019 11:44pm

Hi everyone, thank you all so much for taking the time to respond.

I think my biggest issue is pushing myself out of my comfort zone, I talk myself out of things before I've even tried them because I get so nervous at the prospect of it.

I never thought that I was that interested in singing, I liked singing and thought I wasn't bad at it but (again) never had the confidence to join a choir until I found out that my work runs a small one once a week, there were no auditions or anything which encouraged me to join it and I love it. It's just that it's run during work hours at lunch time so it doesn't really help me feel as if I'm filling my evenings or weekends.

I would be interested in water sports maybe like kayaking or swimming. I've never swum competitively but I swim every summer in the sea and love it. But I've never heard of anyone that swims in groups that aren't in a competitive club (maybe there are and I am just not aware of it).

I have looked into doing a kayaking course and joining a club but it doesn't look like that kind of thing starts up until the spring/ summer, understandably so.

Volunteering is definitely something I would be interested in doing, I need to look into it and just pick something and bite the bullet and do it. I don't know if there is anything anyone would recommend specifically?

ChrissieH - I think you have it spot on in many respects. I do see a lot in my life that I am unhappy with and it just looks like an impossible hill to climb to change it, so up until now I haven't done anything. Then as a result I've become more and more unhappy as time has gone on. And because I have lost so much of my drive and motivation since finishing college it feels even harder to change anything. Honestly I would love to move out into a house share, I have never lived away from home for any longer than a couple of summers spent in Canada and the US. It is likely (although not guaranteed) that I will be in my current job for the next 5-6 months, it will probably end after that. I think I might start looking to move out as if I wait until I find a permanent job I could be at home for the next 2-3 years!

Clan Therapy · 16-02-2019 3:20pm

I'm sorry to hear that you feel this way about yourself. In my opinion many people go through these type of feelings at some stage, I know I have!

Sometimes it takes someone from the outside looking in to help you look at the positives in your life, your achievements etc. Put your hand on your heart and feel it beat - that there is the very first reason your life is alive. There is a purpose for you but you may not know it yet. Im 38 and and have let myself be me and realized what I want in life for ME.

There are various simple exercises that can be done to realize your own potential, your direction in life etc. I'm happy to chat with you

Feeling lost and as if my life has no purpose

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