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Alcohol recovery and lying

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  • 09-06-2018 11:30am
    #1
    Sigma Force
    Registered Users Posts: 5,132 ✭✭✭


    My partner is nearly sober a year and doing great. But he recently lied to me about something. Maybe to avoid an argument like a lot of lads do lol but this was something I was hoping he'd be honest about. I worry that one lie will lead to another and it'll be a slippery slope. He had told me he's done with lying and hiding things that that's partly how he ended up in the state he did. I don't know if I should leave things be or talk to him about it in the hope he'll answer me honestly this time. It's not drink related but it's the drink that cause this issue in the first place. I just think lying leads to more lying and it's a slippery slope. I'm not sure if I'm making sense but honesty was supposed to be one on the foundations of our relationship when he got out of rehab.


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    #2
    aabarnes1
    Registered Users Posts: 295 ✭✭aabarnes1


    Hi Sigma,

    The crux of my recovery to date is change. I had to change everything. I have been able to do that as a result of the AA program and fellowship.
    I was a constant liar, judgemental, aggressive, selfish, self centered and egotistical misfit. I wanted to be rid of all these character defects as they were what was wrong with me. Alcohol was only a symptom.
    I had to leave my old ideas behind and gain a new outlook on life, the result was nil until I let go- absolutely, and that included lying.
    If I find myself falling back to old ways I have to challenge myself, or I will suffer.
    When I am off the beam, my wife will challenge me also.
    I think you should challenge your partner and point out the damage their behaviour has caused. There is the possibility that they are not aware of the consequences or the fact that they lied, but you can't let it fester otherwise you will have a resentment yourself.
    Ask your higher power for guidance before opening your mouth!


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    #3
    Stanford
    Registered Users Posts: 1,178 ✭✭✭Stanford


    aabarnes1 wrote: »
    Hi Sigma,

    The crux of my recovery to date is change. I had to change everything. I have been able to do that as a result of the AA program and fellowship.
    I was a constant liar, judgemental, aggressive, selfish, self centered and egotistical misfit. I wanted to be rid of all these character defects as they were what was wrong with me. Alcohol was only a symptom.
    I had to leave my old ideas behind and gain a new outlook on life, the result was nil until I let go- absolutely, and that included lying.
    If I find myself falling back to old ways I have to challenge myself, or I will suffer.
    When I am off the beam, my wife will challenge me also.
    I think you should challenge your partner and point out the damage their behaviour has caused. There is the possibility that they are not aware of the consequences or the fact that they lied, but you can't let it fester otherwise you will have a resentment yourself.
    Ask your higher power for guidance before opening your mouth!

    Is this an ad for AA? Higher Power?


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    #4
    CramCycle
    Moderators, Sports Moderators Posts: 24,515 Mod ✭✭✭✭CramCycle


    Without context on what the lie is, it is hard to give opinions. My own father lies alot when drinking, even if it is unrelated or not important. I was not much different myself. It would depend on the lie to me as to whether it is something to be concerned about or not.


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    #5
    Stanford
    Registered Users Posts: 1,178 ✭✭✭Stanford


    CramCycle wrote: »
    Without context on what the lie is, it is hard to give opinions. My own father lies alot when drinking, even if it is unrelated or not important. I was not much different myself. It would depend on the lie to me as to whether it is something to be concerned about or not.

    Perhaps you should just discuss it with him calmly and in a non-confrontable manner?


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    #6
    aabarnes1
    Registered Users Posts: 295 ✭✭aabarnes1


    Stanford wrote: »
    Is this an ad for AA? Higher Power?

    Grow up, it's my experience, obviously not yours. You keep on running your own little world.


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    #7
    Stanford
    Registered Users Posts: 1,178 ✭✭✭Stanford


    aabarnes1 wrote: »
    Grow up, it's my experience, obviously not yours. You keep on running your own little world.

    Do you really think that telling somebody who is in distress to "Ask your higher power for guidance before opening your mouth!" is good advice?


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    #8
    aabarnes1
    Registered Users Posts: 295 ✭✭aabarnes1


    Stanford wrote: »
    Do you really think that telling somebody who is in distress to "Ask your higher power for guidance before opening your mouth!" is good advice?
    Perhaps you should try it.


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    #9
    Stanford
    Registered Users Posts: 1,178 ✭✭✭Stanford


    aabarnes1 wrote: »
    Perhaps you should try it.

    I don't think we should personalise this by insulting each other


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    #10
    aabarnes1
    Registered Users Posts: 295 ✭✭aabarnes1


    Stanford wrote: »
    I don't think we should personalise this by insulting each other
    You were insulting, and nonconstructive towards the OP.


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    #11
    Stanford
    Registered Users Posts: 1,178 ✭✭✭Stanford


    I simply suggested that she discuss the issue directly with her partner, how is that insulting and nonconstructive?


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    #12
    CramCycle
    Moderators, Sports Moderators Posts: 24,515 Mod ✭✭✭✭CramCycle


    Stanford wrote: »
    Perhaps you should just discuss it with him calmly and in a non-confrontable manner?

    Em? I never said I was any of those things. I am not sure what your point is?

    @Sigma Force, does your partner know that you know about the lie? If he doesn't, is there a nice way to just, off the cuff say it out loud and ask that you don't go down that road of lying to each other.

    If he already knows that you know, is there a safe way to sit down and say, we need to clear the air, I don't know why you did this, it is probably not a big thing but as I am sure you can understand, I don't want to go down that road again.


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    #13
    Stanford
    Registered Users Posts: 1,178 ✭✭✭Stanford


    CramCycle wrote: »
    Em? I never said I was any of those things. I am not sure what your point is?

    @Sigma Force, does your partner know that you know about the lie? If he doesn't, is there a nice way to just, off the cuff say it out loud and ask that you don't go down that road of lying to each other.

    If he already knows that you know, is there a safe way to sit down and say, we need to clear the air, I don't know why you did this, it is probably not a big thing but as I am sure you can understand, I don't want to go down that road again.

    Apologies I was replying to aabarnes1


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    #14
    GoneHome
    Registered Users Posts: 1,783 ✭✭✭GoneHome


    Stanford wrote: »
    Is this an ad for AA? Higher Power?

    Well said, I would often dip in and out to this forum as I have a family member going through a similar situation but the whole AA thing totally turns them off, my relation is doing his own thing, he tried the AA but the higher power s**t and making small talk over a cup of tea or ten and coupious cigarettes after the meeting totally turned him off and he's getting on fine without it


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    #15
    Sigma Force
    Registered Users Posts: 5,132 ✭✭✭Sigma Force


    aabarnes1 wrote: »
    Hi Sigma,

    The crux of my recovery to date is change. I had to change everything. I have been able to do that as a result of the AA program and fellowship.
    I was a constant liar, judgemental, aggressive, selfish, self centered and egotistical misfit. I wanted to be rid of all these character defects as they were what was wrong with me. Alcohol was only a symptom.
    I had to leave my old ideas behind and gain a new outlook on life, the result was nil until I let go- absolutely, and that included lying.
    If I find myself falling back to old ways I have to challenge myself, or I will suffer.
    When I am off the beam, my wife will challenge me also.
    I think you should challenge your partner and point out the damage their behaviour has caused. There is the possibility that they are not aware of the consequences or the fact that they lied, but you can't let it fester otherwise you will have a resentment yourself.
    Ask your higher power for guidance before opening your mouth!

    Thanks for that, he's improved in so many ways that I was debating wether to confront him I didn't want him to feel I was trying to mess with his recovery. But as someone said to me he's not made of glass he's an adult who needs to know if he's being hurtful. When I asked him calmly he got quite defensive and tried to turn it back on me. (Usual stuff blaming hormones lol) I was calm when I asked all I wanted was the truth and he constantly denied it. So I left things I couldn't talk to him and there was no point badgering him. So I thought about what I needed to say along with the proof he lied so he couldn't deny it. I could of just let the whole thing be but lying in front if my face when I knew the facts was the last straw. I explained my side but I also tried to be understanding but I let him know that i would not put up with any lies and that if he's afraid I'll react badly if he tells me the truth about something well that's life. He needed to learn that other people have feeling, that his actions do effect other people directly that he has to take responsibility. It's a lesson he's o my recently learned. I know I might sound like I'm being harsh and unreasonable but he's a sweet guy but it's like when he started drinking as a teen and now has stopped it's like he's still got that teenage frame of mind. He can be so mature in some ways but emotionally he's still stuck where he was when he started drinking. It's like he switched reality of life off when he took up drinking and it's all been switched back in now he's sober but 30 years forward in time so he's trying to catch up. I think he's strong enough now to start accepting that he does have an effect on the people around him who care about him. He's very lucky to have so much support after the things he's done. We are looking to the future now but every now and then we both need to realise that it's an on going process but also not to let it take over our lives either so we can live in the present. He did eventually understand what I was trying to say, he can't expect to have my full trust unless he's honest with me and vice versa. It can be hard work at times but I think this time he learnt something about himself and I learnt that I don't have to walk in egg shells with him. It was a small issue but I know if I'd just left it it would of eventually escalated slowly. I can't stop him going downhill if he ever does but I can stick my oar in when I feel he needs reminding and he does the same with me not saying I'm perfect because he's actually good at keeping me grounded too. He's doing so well right now and we are too after that episode we're both clear on where we stand. At the start of recovery I do think it should be all about the person recovering obviously partners and family need to take care of themselves too but at first during de tox and the first few months I think it's important to learn about it to be able to support your loved one. However after a time slowly taking a step back, giving them space to learn on their own is also important. Eventually then I think they can handle some home truths. Sorry for the long post. Am still learning myself and it's actually very interesting his it all comes about. We're all very proud of him at the end of the day and he's a really beautiful intelligent human being, it's so nice now to see him sober, busy and planning his future and just living life.


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    #16
    CramCycle
    Moderators, Sports Moderators Posts: 24,515 Mod ✭✭✭✭CramCycle


    Looks like you chose the right approach


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    #17
    aabarnes1
    Registered Users Posts: 295 ✭✭aabarnes1


    GoneHome wrote: »
    Well said, I would often dip in and out to this forum as I have a family member going through a similar situation but the whole AA thing totally turns them off, my relation is doing his own thing, he tried the AA but the higher power s**t and making small talk over a cup of tea or ten and coupious cigarettes after the meeting totally turned him off and he's getting on fine without it
    Al the "higher power ****" has got many millions of people around the world sober.
    Cups of coffee and cigarettes after the meeting- that's a personal choice, nothing to do with the fellowship of AA or the program of AA.


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    #18
    aabarnes1
    Registered Users Posts: 295 ✭✭aabarnes1


    Sigma Force wrote: »
    Thanks for that, he's improved in so many ways that I was debating wether to confront him I didn't want him to feel I was trying to mess with his recovery. But as someone said to me he's not made of glass he's an adult who needs to know if he's being hurtful. When I asked him calmly he got quite defensive and tried to turn it back on me. (Usual stuff blaming hormones lol) I was calm when I asked all I wanted was the truth and he constantly denied it. So I left things I couldn't talk to him and there was no point badgering him. So I thought about what I needed to say along with the proof he lied so he couldn't deny it. I could of just let the whole thing be but lying in front if my face when I knew the facts was the last straw. I explained my side but I also tried to be understanding but I let him know that i would not put up with any lies and that if he's afraid I'll react badly if he tells me the truth about something well that's life. He needed to learn that other people have feeling, that his actions do effect other people directly that he has to take responsibility. It's a lesson he's o my recently learned. I know I might sound like I'm being harsh and unreasonable but he's a sweet guy but it's like when he started drinking as a teen and now has stopped it's like he's still got that teenage frame of mind. He can be so mature in some ways but emotionally he's still stuck where he was when he started drinking. It's like he switched reality of life off when he took up drinking and it's all been switched back in now he's sober but 30 years forward in time so he's trying to catch up. I think he's strong enough now to start accepting that he does have an effect on the people around him who care about him. He's very lucky to have so much support after the things he's done. We are looking to the future now but every now and then we both need to realise that it's an on going process but also not to let it take over our lives either so we can live in the present. He did eventually understand what I was trying to say, he can't expect to have my full trust unless he's honest with me and vice versa. It can be hard work at times but I think this time he learnt something about himself and I learnt that I don't have to walk in egg shells with him. It was a small issue but I know if I'd just left it it would of eventually escalated slowly. I can't stop him going downhill if he ever does but I can stick my oar in when I feel he needs reminding and he does the same with me not saying I'm perfect because he's actually good at keeping me grounded too. He's doing so well right now and we are too after that episode we're both clear on where we stand. At the start of recovery I do think it should be all about the person recovering obviously partners and family need to take care of themselves too but at first during de tox and the first few months I think it's important to learn about it to be able to support your loved one. However after a time slowly taking a step back, giving them space to learn on their own is also important. Eventually then I think they can handle some home truths. Sorry for the long post. Am still learning myself and it's actually very interesting his it all comes about. We're all very proud of him at the end of the day and he's a really beautiful intelligent human being, it's so nice now to see him sober, busy and planning his future and just living life.

    Well said, I am delighted for you. Just a 'thought' you may want to use, or not, it's up to you: When others harm us with their actions or words, we have to remember that they too are spiritually sick, not of their right mind, so we treat them like any other sick person.
    You kind of eluded to that in talking about your partners lack of emotional growth- ( that would be me all over too!). Remember it's not an overnight matter, more of a marathon than a sprint.


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