Silence in Couunselling

LegacyUser · 06-09-2019 2:43pm #1

Had a gap in counselling sessions due to them being on holiday for 3 weeks.
Walked in and she said hello. I lay down on the couch and then nothing. She never spoke.

I lay there for approx 10 - 15 minutes waiting for her to start or say something. But nothing. I know I could have said something myself, but I didn't and to be honest, when she is getting paid €70 per session (costing me approx €100 per session to be there when time off work is factored in) then I expect a bit more effort to earn her money.

After the initial hello from her I was lying on the couch wondering when she would speak. After a few minutes I decided to myself that if she didn't speak within x minutes I'd get up and go. So I did.

On way out I tolder her I'd be back next week and that hopefully she'd make more of an effort to earn her money then. I was fuming.

We have had this problem with silences before. I've not got up and left a session in a long long time now. It is nearly at the stage now where counselling makes me more depressed than my actual life does - which is saying something.

My thought process is why must I be the one to make the first move? I am paying her to help me yet she sat there and got €70 just for saying hello and doing nothing else. I can accept that after a bit of dialogue a pause can be useful in order to allow reflection on what was previously discussed, but at the start of a session? It made my blood boil.

It frustrates me that my life is a mess and instead of helping me she is playing these stupid games.

I know you will all say I am in the wrong. I don't feel that I am. I've been going to her for a long time now and I feel that my life is no further on. In fact time is slipping by and things are no further on.

I've not felt this angry in a long time. On way back I nearly got into a road rage incident whereby a car cut in front of me (drove up inside lane and merged into the lane I was in without indicating) and I blew the horn loudly. I seen him staring in the mirror at me. If he had gotten out god only knows what I would have done.

woodchuck · 06-09-2019 2:58pm

I've heard of counsellors doing this. I don't think it's playing games though, I assume it's a technique that works in some situations.

But regardless of her reasons for doing this and/or whether or not it can work, it's obviously not working for you. Would you consider changing counsellors? I don't think either of you have done anything wrong, but sometimes the patient and counsellor just aren't well suited to each other.

Lapis Luzali · 06-09-2019 3:02pm

Change counsellors, she's not working for you at all, if youre leaving sessions feeling more frustrated and its been months with no improvement then seeing her is a waste of time. It can be very hard to find the right therapist that you connect with, don't give up.

antix80 · 06-09-2019 4:10pm

Op. I hope you can look back on this and laugh some day. It will show how far you've come.

LegacyUser · 06-09-2019 4:55pm

Change counsellors, she's not working for you at all, if youre leaving sessions feeling more frustrated and its been months with no improvement then seeing her is a waste of time. It can be very hard to find the right therapist that you connect with, don't give up

Would you consider changing counsellors?

I'm too scared too. Probably a bit too comfortable as well. I'm not one for change either. Previously I had a number of counsellors providing short period of NHS funded treatments. This time I'm going private and I've been with her for a number of years now. It started rocky, but improved and went well, but has been on a downwards trajectory recently. I don't know if it is terminal or if it is some turbulence I need to ride out.

Op. I hope you can look back on this and laugh some day. It will show how far you've come.

I hope so too, but I've been in counselling for over 15 years. Sands of time running out.

Rubberchikken · 06-09-2019 6:16pm

maybe a stupid question but would you not raise the issue with her?
it may be a technique but if all its doing is causing you to walk out, angry and frustrated, then maybe the technique needs to be altered.

you deserve decent professional help, youre paying enough for it in time and money.

Jimmy Bottlehead · 06-09-2019 6:28pm

I'll play devil's advocate here... Look at what you learned from this.

You learned that silence angers you to an almost uncontrollable level. Specifically silence that means you're not in control. Whatever feelings came up behind the anger are very useful to explore too. Abandonment? Disappointment? Hurt? Shame?

You also learned you will stand up for yourself and take control of a situation by leaving the session. You drew your line in the sand and respected yourself enough to leave.

You also perhaps learned that you don't deal terribly well with confrontation. Instead of voicing your opinion, you sat in silence, said nothing and then threw a passive aggressive remark on the way out.

You might not have enjoyed the session but therapy isn't meant to always be pleasant. It's not recreational or entertaining. It's work and painful evolution. You're there to work, and from my vantage point, you may not have enjoyed it, but you have a LOT of potentially valuable exploration to carry out.

ILoveYourVibes · 07-09-2019 2:56am

Why didn't you say something during the session?

Sardonicat · 07-09-2019 9:17am

Jimmy Bottlehead wrote: »

I'll play devil's advocate here... Look at what you learned from this.

You learned that silence angers you to an almost uncontrollable level. Specifically silence that means you're not in control. Whatever feelings came up behind the anger are very useful to explore too. Abandonment? Disappointment? Hurt? Shame?

You also learned you will stand up for yourself and take control of a situation by leaving the session. You drew your line in the sand and respected yourself enough to leave.

You also perhaps learned that you don't deal terribly well with confrontation. Instead of voicing your opinion, you sat in silence, said nothing and then threw a passive aggressive remark on the way out.

You might not have enjoyed the session but therapy isn't meant to always be pleasant. It's not recreational or entertaining. It's work and painful evolution. You're there to work, and from my vantage point, you may not have enjoyed it, but you have a LOT of potentially valuable exploration to carry out.

If I was spending x amount an hour on counselling I'd be pretty angry about it too.

The counsellor pulls a stunt to teach some lessons about how her client deals with certain scenarios and gives no explanation even when he leaves in exasperation! ? But takes her payment, of course.

I had this stunt pulled on me as a teenager with crippling social anxiety (not that I knew I had social anxiety, or how to deal with it. She never got round to that). Imagine doing that to an anxious kid? What kind of mindset thinks distressing a person who has no idea what's happening is a good clinical tool?

OP, find a better therapist. Perhaps check with them what kind of therapy they practice, what theory is it grounded in. It sounds like you would appreciate outcome driven therapy more than someone who just wants you to talk at them.

Best of luck.

Reviews and Books Galore · 07-09-2019 9:21am

Jimmy Bottlehead wrote: »

I'll play devil's advocate here... Look at what you learned from this.

You learned that silence angers you to an almost uncontrollable level. Specifically silence that means you're not in control. Whatever feelings came up behind the anger are very useful to explore too. Abandonment? Disappointment? Hurt? Shame?

You also learned you will stand up for yourself and take control of a situation by leaving the session. You drew your line in the sand and respected yourself enough to leave.

You also perhaps learned that you don't deal terribly well with confrontation. Instead of voicing your opinion, you sat in silence, said nothing and then threw a passive aggressive remark on the way out.

You might not have enjoyed the session but therapy isn't meant to always be pleasant. It's not recreational or entertaining. It's work and painful evolution. You're there to work, and from my vantage point, you may not have enjoyed it, but you have a LOT of potentially valuable exploration to carry out.

Or the therapist lacks soft skills :P 15 minutes is too long to get someone talking.

Jimmy Bottlehead · 07-09-2019 12:03pm

Sardonicat wrote: »

If I was spending x amount an hour on counselling I'd be pretty angry about it too.

The counsellor pulls a stunt to teach some lessons about how her client deals with certain scenarios and gives no explanation even when he leaves in exasperation! ? But takes her payment, of course.

I had this stunt pulled on me as a teenager with crippling social anxiety (not that I knew I had social anxiety, or how to deal with it. She never got round to that). Imagine doing that to an anxious kid? What kind of mindset thinks distressing a person who has no idea what's happening is a good clinical tool?

OP, find a better therapist. Perhaps check with them what kind of therapy they practice, what theory is it grounded in. It sounds like you would appreciate outcome driven therapy more than someone who just wants you to talk at them.

Best of luck.

Silence isn't a 'stunt', it's a legitimate therapeutic tool which can be used effectively and which can also be used poorly.

You may not like the above fact, but it doesn't change that its a recognised tool. Your own subjective experience doesn't override its value.

I will agree that the OP may want to explore a different therapeutic approach. But I'd echo my previous post and encourage the OP to at least bring their experience and unhappiness and anger to their next session to see what can be gained.

Paddy Cow · 07-09-2019 3:33pm

Jimmy Bottlehead wrote: »

Silence isn't a 'stunt', it's a legitimate therapeutic tool which can be used effectively and which can also be used poorly.

You may not like the above fact, but it doesn't change that its a recognised tool. Your own subjective experience doesn't override its value.

I will agree that the OP may want to explore a different therapeutic approach. But I'd echo my previous post and encourage the OP to at least bring their experience and unhappiness and anger to their next session to see what can be gained.

In this case is it a stunt, not a tool. The therapist is already aware that silence doesn't work for the op but she did it anyway. Personally I think the op is wasting 70 quid a week and should change counsellor, as this one isn't working.

tara73 · 07-09-2019 7:03pm

OP, this is called psychoanalysis.

But it seems it wasn't explained to you beforehand and also not the first time you left and it surprises me she didn't explain it to you.

In psycho analysis you normally lay down and you should concentrate all on yourself and what comes to your mind. That are the important things, which come to your mind when all by yourself. it's not what your therapist thinks is important, it's what you think is important. And that will be the subject of the session.

I don't understand why the therapist didn't explain it to you beforehand or the first time you ran out. That's bad form actually from her. I would talk to her about it, that's your main subject now, why do you expect her to start the conversation and why did you had to ran out...hope you get it because this form of therapy, from my point of view, is gold.

leggo · 07-09-2019 9:06pm

Yeah +1 for this being a valid form of therapy. I seriously doubt it was just a case of her being lazy and trying to rip you off.

Their job is to be a sponge and to reflect what you want/need to deal with that week. In therapy I’ve done, this will sometimes be used and sometimes not, I’m guessing depending on the energy I’m giving off coming into the session. Their job isn’t to be uncomfortable in the silence and go pushing for what’s wrong so they feel more comfortable. It’s to reflect what you need. And, as someone already pointed out, you actually got a lot from this if you choose to see it. Not everyone would respond that way (I know when it happened at first to me I felt a little uncomfortable before thinking “Okay I guess I’ll just jump in myself”), but you did, so the important question as always is why?

Look, ultimately therapists are human too and they can get stuff wrong. They’re not all-knowing, all-powerful beings. It’s entirely possible your therapist read the room wrong here, or maybe she read it just right and you’ll see it differently in months/years to come. But either way if you feel comfortable with her and don’t want to change, I’d definitely make this the first subject in your next session. She’ll probably just explain what the story is, maybe after an “And why did this bother you?” Therapists gonna therapist after all.

:pac:

suicide_circus · 08-09-2019 7:19am

i think a lot of "therapy" is hokum. Anger at someone youre paying to help you sitting in silence is a completely valid response. Tell her silence can be obtained for free and you wont be back.

Wanderer2010 · 08-09-2019 11:29am

suicide_circus wrote: »

i think a lot of "therapy" is hokum. Anger at someone youre paying to help you sitting in silence is a completely valid response. Tell her silence can be obtained for free and you wont be back.

Have you been to several different types of therapy enough to form an educated opinion on it? Or do you just find the whole concept hokum?

I had to do some CBT some years back because of a toxic family situation, I really didn't expect much from it as in my view, I just needed someone to talk to and offload my distress and I wasn't expecting her to change my mindset. But I gave it a good go and found there is huge wisdom behind CBT and challenging thoughts and replacing mindsets etc. It takes a LOT of work from you but if you are willing to put in the effort and allow yourself to feel very vulnerable, the benefits are huge. Even years later I retain the same healthier mindsets.

Foweva Awone · 08-09-2019 11:52am

For a start, in all of the counselling I've done (a lot!) I have never once been asked to lie down on a couch. That's something you see in the movies, I'm sure there was sound theory behind it once (I think that form of psychoanalysis was popular back in Freud's days) but I doubt many counsellors in Ireland operate that way these days. Did she ever instruct you to lie down like that, or is it just something you do because you've seen it on screen?

Counselling should be a two-way process, you may feel more comfortable sitting facing her, it may encourage a more natural dialogue between you.

Really if you're not finding there's a rapport, and you don't feel she's helping you, it may be time to find a new counsellor or therapist.

riemann · 08-09-2019 4:48pm

I am available, at 65eur an hour, to sit in a room with someone in complete silence.

woodchuck · 08-09-2019 4:56pm

Mod note:

@riemann, please don't post unless you have constructive advice for the OP.

bitofabind · 08-09-2019 5:42pm

Hi OP. You say you've been in therapy for 15 years and now you no longer enjoy the process, you describe it as making you "depressed."

What strikes me is that this is an awfully long time to be in therapy and it's clearly not working for you at this point. Whether it's because you've lost the therapist-client connection with this particular counsellor, or that you've simply exhausted the process in and of itself, I think you need to do some evaluating.

You may of course have some extreme life situations that make ongoing therapy necessary for you. But as someone who has done short periods of counselling and CBT at various particular life stages, my understanding is that the process is designed to help you to process emotional pain so that you can develop healthier behaviours and come to your own self-sufficiency in coping with life and maintaining your own mental wellness. You'll never be "fixed" because you're a human, not a car engine. But there should be an end result visible in better thought patterns and behaviours and better resilience in coping with life on your own.

After 15 years, i think it's time to be honest with yourself about it. Is it producing these outcomes for you and if not, why not? Has it become a crutch for you? One red flag for me is that you seem to be afraid of change - to the point where ending this therapeutic relationship isn't an option for you. That doesn't sound like someone getting what they need from the process of therapy.

lastusername · 08-09-2019 10:24pm

OP, you've spent countless sums on therapy over a very long period of time to 'fix' yourself, but it hasn't worked.

Could I venture a suggestion?

Could the reason the therapy hasn't worked, doesn't work and won't work...be because there is nothing to actually fix?

I am sure therapy does work for some, and whatever works for you works for you! However, zoom out a bit. Does sitting in a room talking about how bad things are and how bad you feel seem like a way to feel better?

Does paying for the privilege help either?

Think about this....

What if you were ok at your core, and it was just years, decades of thinking you are broken in some way that was driving all of this, instead of actually being broken?

When you were a kid, a toddler, you had your ups and downs, you were sad one minute, happy the next, tired and irritated at times and just content at other times.

You didn't question or wonder why, you just experienced these feelings, implicitly understanding it was just life.

As adults we complicate stuff, and start to feel like feeling 'x' way is a problem, something to be fixed and 'managed'. But in reality, it's just your thinking getting all active and busy, and you then see it as part of you. You identify with it, taking it personally and making it 'yours.

But, what if it was really just energy moving through you?

How does that sit with you?

LegacyUser · 10-09-2019 11:04pm

Rubberchikken wrote: »

maybe a stupid question but would you not raise the issue with her?
it may be a technique but if all its doing is causing you to walk out, angry and frustrated, then maybe the technique needs to be altered.

I've been going to her for a number of years now. I hate the silence. She knows this, but keeps doing it.

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

Why didn't you say something during the session?

I've told her ths before. When I realise what is happening I immediately get irked and determined not to speak first. I looked at the clock and decided that if she had not spoken in ten minutes I was going to get up and leave. Which I did.

Jimmy Bottlehead wrote: »

You learned that silence angers you to an almost uncontrollable level. Specifically silence that means you're not in control. Whatever feelings came up behind the anger are very useful to explore too. Abandonment? Disappointment? Hurt? Shame

My only thought was "FFS, not this again".

You also perhaps learned that you don't deal terribly well with confrontation. Instead of voicing your opinion, you sat in silence, said nothing and then threw a passive aggressive remark on the way out.

Correct, I do not like confrontation and I do tend to avoid it in most situations. The remark may have been passive aggressive, but IMO it was true nonetheless.

You might not have enjoyed the session but therapy isn't meant to always be pleasant. It's not recreational or entertaining. It's work and painful evolution. You're there to work, and from my vantage point, you may not have enjoyed it, but you have a LOT of potentially valuable exploration to carry out.

I'm not sure where there is to explore?

Sardonicat wrote: »

The counsellor pulls a stunt to teach some lessons about how her client deals with certain scenarios and gives no explanation even when he leaves in exasperation! ? But takes her payment, of course.

If I miss a session, or take a holiday, I still have to pay for the slot. That pisses me off too.

OP, find a better therapist. Perhaps check with them what kind of therapy they practice, what theory is it grounded in. It sounds like you would appreciate outcome driven therapy more than someone who just wants you to talk at them.

Part of me is now wondering if this is part of an exercise to remove me from their books. She was not available for the three weeks prior to this session. Then in the session, she did not speak. Now she is off for the next session too. I'm wondering if this is all part of some play to wean me off or get me to quit. She said she will not ask me to leave and I'll always be able to attend.

tara73 wrote: »

OP, this is called psychoanalysis.

Yes, this is the type of counselling I am taking.

In psycho analysis you normally lay down and you should concentrate all on yourself and what comes to your mind. That are the important things, which come to your mind when all by yourself. it's not what your therapist thinks is important, it's what you think is important. And that will be the subject of the session.

I can't/won't communicate what I am thinking. It feels like my mind is blank. Sometimes I just fall asleep on the couch.

I don't understand why the therapist didn't explain it to you beforehand or the first time you ran out. That's bad form actually from her. I would talk to her about it, that's your main subject now, why do you expect her to start the conversation and why did you had to ran out...hope you get it because this form of therapy, from my point of view, is gold.

We'll see what happens next time. I've actually decided already that if she does this silent treatment again, then I'm up and out again.

suicide_circus wrote: »

Tell her silence can be obtained for free and you wont be back.

That made me laugh

Foweva Awone wrote: »

Counselling should be a two-way process, you may feel more comfortable sitting facing her, it may encourage a more natural dialogue between you.

Really if you're not finding there's a rapport, and you don't feel she's helping you, it may be time to find a new counsellor or therapist.

I did initially sit facing her, but it was 'suggested' that I move to the couch. Thay took nearly a year to do.
In terms of rapport, I'm sure if this is salvageable. We shall see what happens at the next session. I suspect she is trying to engineer my exit. Either due to her not wanting me to be there or because she feels the time has come.

riemann wrote: »

I am available, at 65eur an hour, to sit in a room with someone in complete silence.

Good to know, but I've already got one of those and she's really fncking good at it.

bitofabind wrote: »

After 15 years, i think it's time to be honest with yourself about it. Is it producing these outcomes for you and if not, why not? Has it become a crutch for you? One red flag for me is that you seem to be afraid of change - to the point where ending this therapeutic relationship isn't an option for you. That doesn't sound like someone getting what they need from the process of therapy.

Yes, as per my previous replies. I think this is now coming to a head. If ending it is not an option for me is that not a sign that all is not well?

lastusername wrote: »

Could the reason the therapy hasn't worked, doesn't work and won't work...be because there is nothing to actually fix?
But, what if it was really just energy moving through you?
How does that sit with you?

That's a bit deep!
I'm not sure. Sometimes I leave the session worse than when I started. I must have spent €10k on this counsellor alone. I still go home to a single bed rental apartment. Talk to onone outside of my family. Do not socialise. etc. Sounds to me like there is something that is broken.

bitofabind · 11-09-2019 9:27am

El Silenzio wrote: »

Yes, as per my previous replies. I think this is now coming to a head. If ending it is not an option for me is that not a sign that all is not well?

Not necessarily. It's certainly a sign that counselling has become a crutch for you, and given the additional information you've given about your lack of support and social connections, it may well be one that's holding you back from embracing your life and building relationships.

if this is a ploy by the counsellor to get rid of you, well then that's deeply unprofessional but either way it's clear this isn't a scenario that's working for you. That's where it's down to you to take personal responsiblity and make the right decision for yourself.

What are you hoping to obtain from therapy? After 15 years it's probably time to define some clear goals for yourself beyond simply having someone to listen to you each week.

antix80 · 11-09-2019 9:50am

El Silenzio wrote: »

Part of me is now wondering if this is part of an exercise to remove me from their books. She was not available for the three weeks prior to this session. Then in the session, she did not speak. Now she is off for the next session too. I'm wondering if this is all part of some play to wean me off or get me to quit. .

There is no reason for you to believe the above. First, it would be unethical for your therapist to act like this. Second, they have no reason to do so. Business is booming and they could easily get someone else to fill the slot. Finally, what you're engaging in is mind-reading. You're making a faulty assumption and it's worsening your mood. Simple as that.

If you want to give your relationship with your existing therapist one last chance let me make this suggestion:

Turn up. Be the first to salute them ("Hello.") Be the first to enquire for their health ("How was your week?") and make small-talk ("The evenings are closing in, Tesco already have their Christmas stuff in stock").
Next, address the elephant in the room ("I feel very uncomfortable when you leave me in silence. I spend the time feeling angry at you.")
If that goes well - here's a thought - try to open up a bit. Tell your therapist "I feel like there is something that is broken. I still go home to a single bed rental apartment. Talk to no one outside of my family. Do not socialise." and see where it goes from there.

I feel the above plan will shake things up a bit and you might get value from your €70 for once. If you don't want to do things differently in your next session, I'd suggest you change therapist to someone who can approach things from a different angle.

lastusername · 11-09-2019 12:45pm

El Silenzio wrote: »

That's a bit deep!
I'm not sure. Sometimes I leave the session worse than when I started. I must have spent €10k on this counsellor alone. I still go home to a single bed rental apartment. Talk to onone outside of my family. Do not socialise. etc. Sounds to me like there is something that is broken.

It is...because you won't hear anyone else talking about it

Yet it's actually how we operate in the world - it's how the human experience works.

The reason why people talk about 'working on yourself', 'addressing your issues', 'examining the past' and so on is because it seems like the solution is in addressing our circumstances and the past.

But in fact, you don't live in the feeling of your circumstances, you live in the feeling of your thoughts.

Here's how the vast majority of people believe life works (I was one of them!):

Stuff happens to you (or doesn't happen) --> you feel x emotions (sad, frustrated, lonely, regretful, angry, bitter, etc).

You try to take actions to resolve how you are feeling. You examine the situation and go into the past to 'work on yourself'. You sit with someone to go over and over stuff but it doesn't seem to have much impact. Sometimes it does but it generally doesn't last. By the way, I'm not knocking therapy, but why is business booming if it's actually effective?

The reason? If you take one thing from this post, maybe it could be this...and if you really see this, you'll most likely never set foot in a therapist's office again (if that's what you want).

There is no such thing as a solution to a feeling.

Billions and billions of dollars (euro, whatever!) are spent each year on anti-depressants, therapy, counselling and so on, through people searching for a solution to how they are feeling.

But...there is no such thing as a solution to a feeling, because a feeling is just a feeling. It has no meaning outside whatever meaning you give it.

Same goes for thoughts. They are meaningless...unless you give them meaning and light them up and carry them with you everywhere.

Nobody is broken at their core, nobody needs fixing. It's just the belief that you need to be fixed, analysed, assessed that creates the feeling that you do need fixing.

Do you feel bad about your life all the time? I already know the answer - no. Even in this thread alone, I see you laughed at another poster's comment

Nobody is sad all the time. Nobody is frustrated all the time. These are just feelings passing through you, and have actually nothing to do with your life circumstances.

If they did have something to do with them, then everyone would have the same reaction to the same circumstances. But there are millions of people who are lonely in a crowd, and millions who are happy in their own company most of the time.

There are people with families in big houses who aren't content, and there are many others in single bedrooms who are

How could that be?

Allow yourself (and anyone else reading) to just feel what you're feeling, and know that it's ok, that you're ok. Take action to improve your life as you see fit, sure. But know that feelings are just feelings, they aren't a cause for action in and of themselves.

How life actually works, and how we are designed:

Thoughts --> Feelings --> Actions.

Always ok --> Forgetting we are always ok -->> Remembering again!

Jimmy Bottlehead · 11-09-2019 6:23pm

El Silenzio wrote: »

My only thought was "FFS, not this again".

That's a surface thought. What's important is how you FELT.

El Silenzio wrote: »

Correct, I do not like confrontation and I do tend to avoid it in most situations. The remark may have been passive aggressive, but IMO it was true nonetheless.

I never disputed it being true. But avoidance is a big red flag.

El Silenzio wrote: »

I'm not sure where there is to explore?

This is my point. Of course you're not sure, you still sound completely closed off emotionally.

I'm not telling you whether to stick with this therapist or not. But what I am telling you is that you're being given the tools to explore yourself, and you're just avoiding it and running for the door.

Ultimately, nobody has to live your isolated, lonely, miserable life apart from you (and I say that with respect, as its how you've described it).
Nobody else will benefit or gain from you sorting yourself out, except you.

But if you don't give yourself to the process, open up, be willing to explore and feel and confront, then you may as well save your cash and cease therapy immediately. It ONLY works when you're willing to challenge yourself and when you trust your therapist and the process.

Graces7 · 12-09-2019 7:10am

El Silenzio wrote: »

I've been going to her for a number of years

I'm not sure. Sometimes I leave the session worse than when I started. I must have spent €10k on this counsellor alone. I still go home to a single bed rental apartment. Talk to onone outside of my family. Do not socialise. etc. Sounds to me like there is something that is broken.

You make it sound as if counselling is a replacement for social life? A cure for loneliness?

Try some kind of voluntary activity? Take the initiative to get out. Or make peace with your solitude.

Up to you surely? The counselling relationship sounds far too involving and unhealthy as well as expensive? I used to get far more from the samaritans than that.

Shtanto · 13-09-2019 10:03pm

I think you're being watched and listened to. Sometimes what you don't say carries a bigger message than what you do. I was taught to go, then do, then be. Seems simple but it's actually much more difficult than you might think. I would acknowledge what others have already pointed out however - if this is going to work, you have to be part of it. If you don't feel part of it then it'll never fly. It's a get what you give sort of deal. You'll get the usual gamut of Rogerian technique asking you how such and such made you feel. This is a mainstay of Samaritans' technique. It works because it's easy and quick to teach. Pick out a part of the story told and ask specific questions about it. Always try to remember why you're putting up with going. You can work on your goal or enhance your process and processing skills. Beef up your life-suspension so to speak.

Tell me how · 15-09-2019 6:14pm

OP,

It seems to me that the counsellor has lost any interest in proactively trying to get you to a place of improvement. Silence is fine, if the attendee is struggling to coordinate their thoughts or actually finally being able to get the words or emotion out but as you described it, I bet the counsellor is sitting there thinking of something else.

Also, having to pay for sessions which you miss would be tolerable if you gave very short notice but is unacceptable in an environment where things can be fluid or you are going on holidays etc. It seems to me that they see you as one of their bread and butter patients, that they know they have €70 coming in from you no matter what. I have never experienced a counsellor charging for a session which was cancelled with at least 24 hours notice.

I have extensive period of attending counselling over several years and one Dr did ask me once why was I going to the same counsellor for an extended period (more than 3 years), if I wasn't seeing any improvement. I thought about that and realised I was effectively benefiting only from that counsellor being a place of comfort once a week and someone who I could speak to in order to feel like I was working on something but that ultimately, we had fallen in to a rut with our sessions. I considered that counsellor a friend more than a therapist at that point which was wrong.

I also have had the experience of attending a counsellor who behaved such as you described. It was when I was trying to find a new one to work with and I only went twice, the second visit was to confirm that my experience at the first session was correct. They provided a place for me to speak, if I wished, that was it. I specifically had told them on an original booking call I was looking for exploration and guidance and they didn't deliver that. If they had had a boss, I would have complained about the service, I felt very unheard given that I had outlined what I was looking for.

The thought of finding a new therapist may frighten you, but if your current one retired or moved, you would have to do so. You could start the search while maintaining your appointments with your current one for a couple of exploratory sessions with new ones as a trial but I would strongly advise you explore new options. A good therapist is invigorating, helpful and worth it, anything else is a stop gap for a period at best and at worst can be harmful to your self esteem because you feel at fault for not seeing improvement.

bobbysands81 · 22-09-2019 11:03pm

Lapis Luzali wrote: »

Change counsellors, she's not working for you at all, if youre leaving sessions feeling more frustrated and its been months with no improvement then seeing her is a waste of time. It can be very hard to find the right therapist that you connect with, don't give up.

Whilst I would agree that connecting with a Counsellor is very important, changing Counsellors (in this instance) will not make a difference if this individual is going to Counselling and expecting the Counsellor to do the work.

Silence in Couunselling

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