Depression my experience

I write what I am writing not for advice. Not for smart Alec replies. It's simply to give an insight to what depression feels like.

For me the triggers are either death of a loved one or something which threatens my livelihood. That something can be something I read, heard or saw on telly. It really is that simple. I can be going along quite jolly and boom something can just tip me over the edge.

When it strikes I lose my appetite. I don't sleep well. I obsess about whatever it was that cause me to slip into depression. The lack of proper food combined with poor sleep makes the mental whirlpool all the worse. I lose interest in my hobbies and life. I have no interest in doing anything that will theoretically lift the funk. Life become a horrific task of enduring. I would classify my depression as episodical more than continual. When it's really bad I wish myself to be terminally ill so I have a legit way out of the mental anguish. I can appreciate people will think that madness but depression is a truly horrifying thing to live with and through. Thoughts of suicide can hover at such times but never to the point of actively seeking to follow through. In a weird way imagining my funeral gives me some solace. The thought that I would be missed.

When it's bad the whole world seems black. I see no light and nothing to look forward too. The mornings are the worst. As I engage with people, work related, it gets a little easier. It can take a talk from a family member, (work in a family business), to help ease my mind that disaster is not going to strike. It has to be someone who is speaking about things who is knowledgeable. The same family member will point out all I have and you know what it means absolutely nothing. You just feel blah. Washing clothes taking showers just seems pointless. A feeling of being f*cuked so what's the point. Everybody else is better off than you. In terms of death time generally helps the cloud lift.

I have been to psychologists and have tried meds. As it stands I'm fine. My last episode was in May. I don't wake up each morning dreading the next bout and when it might come. When the bouts occur I make an appointment to see my GP and he will refer me on to a mental health expert. By the time I saw the last expert I had pulled myself out of the funk and he correctly felt that meds were not required at that point.

I hope my brief post helps those who do suffer feel they are not alone and those that don't that it gives an insight into the hell that is depression. If you don't have peace of mind you have nothing.