And then there were 6.... update

afterglow · 15-12-2019 2:11pm #1

Hi all
Just wanted to write here, because I need to put this down somewhere
I've been back now, since the beginning of December. Living with grandparents, all ok
went to the dr last week, monday after came home, was diagnosed with sciatica, so have spent most of last week getting over that, almost finished tablets for it, its been awful!
I have been spending bits of time at my mum's, most recently on Fri.
To say there was an atmosphere in the house, would be an understatement
in the beginning of the day, it was just myself, my mum, dad, and my aunt's little dog, we were just looking after her, as they've had a bereavement in the family.
Me and the dog got on very well, mum and dad were fine, all ok
then my siblings came home, and all changed
my brother and sister were squabbling bits and pieces, my mum, accidently, did something to my sister, can't remember what now, but it was minor, but she went crazy over it, hormones, no doubt
i mentioned to my mum that I didn't think it was fair how she was being spoken to, she just replied, sis was tired, don't be saying things about her, etc
have just had a look at a thread I posted in the accommodation and property forum, where I'd asked about what a reasonable contribution would be, and tbh some of the responses have made me quite tearful
I know there was no other choice to be made, but I just feel so down
I'm basically going into a situation that I don't know if I'll ever get out of, and with no even real possibility of independence.
My gran, it turns out, agrees with me, re it being not fair, on my mum, that sis is going to live with her after baby is born, I was surprised by that honestly
I am just feeling completely hopeless!
I don't even know what I'm looking for here, but thanks if you have read

Loveinapril · 15-12-2019 3:02pm

You are going to find it very difficult to stay out of all the usual family issues going by all your other threads. You initially said you were moving home due to mental health issues. It doesn't appear that your family can support you (physically or emotionally) right now yet you are still planning on landing yourself in the middle of a load of chaos by moving home. Have you looked into social housing? Could you stay in your grandparents' house while you sort alternative accommodation? Are you linked in with any charities to do with your sight issues? Maybe they can help support you in finding somewhere else to live.

eviltwin · 15-12-2019 4:53pm

As advised before stay out of the drama between your sister and the rest of the family. It's nothing to do with you, it's bad for your mental health and isn't going to help you solve your problem.

Talk to your grandparents about staying with them. Leave your family out of it, it has nothing to do with them. Look into long term accommodation, as mentioned above there are options of social housing from various agencies such as Hale. Your doctor or citizens advice should be able to give you more information.

It seems hopeless now but you need to be proactive here. Don't allow yourself to be distracted by other people's problems, focus on yourself.

strandroad · 15-12-2019 5:06pm

OP it's obvious from your threads that your grandparents are a source of emotional support and security to you, and your parents and especially your siblings are not. Regardless of your sister's pregnancy, they don't seem to be welcoming at all. Is there anything stopping you from staying with your grandparents for a while (apart from your mother said, if I remember well, and what you should disregard unless you hear it from your grandparents themselves)? They might actually enjoy having you around. How can you be helpful and supportive to your grandparents in return? It can lift your own spirits if you can find ways to connect with them even more.

afterglow · 15-12-2019 5:42pm

strandroad wrote: »

OP it's obvious from your threads that your grandparents are a source of emotional support and security to you, and your parents and especially your siblings are not. Regardless of your sister's pregnancy, they don't seem to be welcoming at all. Is there anything stopping you from staying with your grandparents for a while (apart from your mother said, if I remember well, and what you should disregard unless you hear it from your grandparents themselves)? They might actually enjoy having you around. How can you be helpful and supportive to your grandparents in return? It can lift your own spirits if you can find ways to connect with them even more.

Hi
I think, they are nervous of causing bother, if I was to stay here, there'd be a lot of angry people, my mum's sister's, other grandchildren etc. So unfortunately I don't think that's an option

Princess Calla · 15-12-2019 6:48pm

OP I've been on your "side" from the beginning so don't take the following in the wrong way.

At this stage you have to make the best of a bad situation.

First off I admire you for trying to spread your wings you are alot braver than I am

However I see your parents and sisters point about not moving back into your old room, and trust me they are doing you a favour

newborns spend more time crying than sleeping.

Now I get that being put in a room that's not a bedroom is less than welcoming but there's not much of an alternative though.

Also while you may feel that your parents are very easy on your sister, I guarantee you they are far from impressed by her behaviour. While no one bats an eye at unmarried mothers...sure I'm one myself...telling the story that you daughter got pregnant by a holiday fling, isn't how most parents expect to welcome their first grandchild.

They are dealing with a whole new reality, one they didn't expect or want, I'd imagine. I'm sure there's plenty of angry and upset conversations going on behind the scenes.

Your mum has probably just got her house back to "normal " after rearing her own children for it to go back looking like a crèche, with prams toys and all the other stuff babies bring.

Now your sister is probably really scared with her new reality too. My children were planned, I was living with my boyfriend and old

and I still had oh f*ck what have I done moments. While your sister has the security of your parents she's going to be doing it on her own.

I've said before my sister had a baby at home and my mam continued doing what she always did. Sister and child were included in all meals etc but every other aspect of childcare was left to my sister to figure out. Dear lord the arguments in the house were spectacular, they both could have handled it better but hindsight n all that.

Your brother is also facing a new reality. Guaranteed he'll be giving out when his sleep is interrupted. I'd say he'll be leaving home if he can.

I 100% agree with the others stay away from the drama, keep your head down.

However do be mindful that the situation is abit crappy for everyone not just you

afterglow · 15-12-2019 7:09pm

Princess Calla wrote: »

OP I've been on your "side" from the beginning so don't take the following in the wrong way.

At this stage you have to make the best of a bad situation.

First off I admire you for trying to spread your wings you are alot braver than I am

[....]

Hi
I think, somehow, I will have to find coping mechanisms, even the other day when that stuff happened with mum&sisster I thought it was unfair, but didn't say so until I was with my mum on her own
I think everyone will find sleep being interupted difficult, my dad most of all, because he's a taxi driver, and works odd hours.
as you say though, it is whet it is now. One of the biggest things I'm struggling with, as I said to someone I had a conversation with yesterday, is that s is able boddied and seems to be doing little to change her situation, which she could do if she wanted. I would rather live by myself, but can't, and I think that's what makes me unhappy most of all.

Princess Calla · 15-12-2019 7:20pm

I get what you're saying you're in a situation 100% out of your control. Your sister is in a situation of her own making. Unfortunately you are just going to have to accept it.

All the moaning, pointing out faults etc is not helpful to anyone and you'll just come across as bitter. Your parents have eyes, they know it's a sh1tshow you pointing out the obvious will further annoy them

Having a baby isn't the end of the world, it may bring you all closer.

eviltwin · 15-12-2019 7:34pm

afterglow wrote: »

Hi
I think, somehow, I will have to find coping mechanisms, even the other day when that stuff happened with mum&sisster I thought it was unfair, but didn't say so until I was with my mum on her own
I think everyone will find sleep being interupted difficult, my dad most of all, because he's a taxi driver, and works odd hours.
as you say though, it is whet it is now. One of the biggest things I'm struggling with, as I said to someone I had a conversation with yesterday, is that s is able boddied and seems to be doing little to change her situation, which she could do if she wanted. I would rather live by myself, but can't, and I think that's what makes me unhappy most of all.

Forget about your sister and her situation, it's a distraction to your own considerable concerns. That's the most important thing here, that's what you need to focus on. I completely understand where you are coming from regarding your sisters choices but it's her life and its done now. Your family will have to adapt and they will. Constantly focusing on your sister and her pregnancy doesn't help you one iota and just makes you look bitter. I think you need to move on from this now and put all your attention on getting your own life sorted.

HildaOgdenx · 16-12-2019 12:32am

eviltwin wrote: »

Forget about your sister and her situation, it's a distraction to your own considerable concerns. That's the most important thing here, that's what you need to focus on. I completely understand where you are coming from regarding your sisters choices but it's her life and its done now. Your family will have to adapt and they will. Constantly focusing on your sister and her pregnancy doesn't help you one iota and just makes you look bitter. I think you need to move on from this now and put all your attention on getting your own life sorted.

100% agree with this.

OP, it sounds like your family possibly thrives on drama...people being so angry because you are staying with your grandparents and so on.

There's no simple solution here, but you have to focus on you, and what will work for you. Even if it means moving to another part of the country, for example, try not to rule anything in or out without having a good think about it.

From what you have posted, your family are not supportive to you, so for what it's worth, I think you should check out every possibility, ahead of moving back in.

It seems that your energy and focus is all towards your sister and the rights and wrongs of her situation. You need to focus your energy on yourself. Find out what might be available to you. Contact your local social welfare office, your doctor, Citizens Advice, whoever.

I know it is up to anyone posting here whether they choose to take the advice given, or not, and that is as it should be.
I wish you all the best and I hope that you find a peaceful and happy place to live.

qwerty13 · 16-12-2019 5:54am

You are completely focused on the reaction of others to your situation/what you perceive as the unfairness of your situation, rather than what you can do to better your life.

I totally get your frustration re your direct family. You can point out the bad behaviour of your sister until the cows come home. It’s not your choice as to how your parents behave though. They’ve chosen to indulge your sister, and not you. And it’s not equitable or fair - but that’s what they’ve decided to do. You can become bitter and obsessed about that, or leave them all to the inevitably difficult day to day living. That’s not your problem. They’ve chosen that path.

I think you need to talk to a professional about your family, and make your focus on your own living arrangements and what constructive things can be done about that.

I’m not really sure I understand your point about your family being annoyed re living with your grandparents. But I guess people could be thinking that you’re taking advantage. Are you paying them rent? Are you buying your own food and looking after yourself?

Xterminator · 16-12-2019 9:52am

Hi Op

i think you need to change you mindset if you are going to do well in the environment you are in.

And have you thought about the worries and stresses your pregnant sister has? I doubt she planned to bring up a baby in the bedroom of her family house? shes is in a ****ty situation too.

you are fretting over a baby that's not born yet, thinking your heavily pregnant sister is unfair to your parents, and worry about being stuck in this situation forever. The thing is there's always something that can go wrong, someone who has issues and needs help, injustice and unfairness. It all part of the human condition.

OP you do have to make the most of your situation. without sounding patronising there are plenty of people who don't have a family offering to put a roof over their head. Your family obviously loves you. God knows that not a bad starting point for anyone.

But stewing about what might happen and how its not fair and that someone else has a better bedroom etc, that's going to bring you down. I suggest need to practise mindfulness exercises to break the cycle of stress and unhappiness. It would help you live in the present, and try to let go of the deep set frustrations and worries.

have a look at this book
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Mindfulness-practical-guide-finding-frantic/dp/074995308X

afterglow · 16-12-2019 10:04am

Xterminator wrote: »

Hi Op

i think you need to change you mindset if you are going to do well in the environment you are in.

And have you thought about the worries and stresses your pregnant sister has? I doubt she planned to bring up a baby in the bedroom of her family house? shes is in a ****ty situation too.

you are fretting over a baby that's not born yet, thinking your heavily pregnant sister is unfair to your parents, and worry about being stuck in this situation forever. The thing is there's always something that can go wrong, someone who has issues and needs help, injustice and unfairness. It all part of the human condition.

OP you do have to make the most of your situation. without sounding patronising there are plenty of people who don't have a family offering to put a roof over their head. Your family obviously loves you. God knows that not a bad starting point for anyone.

But stewing about what might happen and how its not fair and that someone else has a better bedroom etc, that's going to bring you down. I suggest need to practise mindfulness exercises to break the cycle of stress and unhappiness. It would help you live in the present, and try to let go of the deep set frustrations and worries.

have a look at this book
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Mindfulness-practical-guide-finding-frantic/dp/074995308X

hi exterminator
I'm not in a funk about the room, I don't want to live there in the first place, not by choice anyway
This is why online forums are difficult, because we only have what posters tell us to make impressions/decisions with/from.
I don't agree that sister is in a ****y situation, because she deliberately, yes deliberately, was not on contraception when she went on her last ' excursion '
now I'm sorry but that's just downright irresponsible and bloody careless!
i think you are right about the mindfulness though, and I will have a look at the book you suggested.
Thanks

Princess Calla · 16-12-2019 11:24am

Her life choices are exactly that, her own!

Now I do agree with you but my opinion means diddly squat

I know you are frustrated in that if you had her opportunities you would have /could have achieved a lot more (in theory anyway) .

However if life you have to play the hand you are dealt.

This period of your life will not be forever. Work on making yourself happy. I'm not familiar with benefits and charities but apply for everything you are entitled to.

It's hard to advise as I'm not sure how independent you are, but feck it you went to London so your not housebound

so volunteer,it's Christmas, plenty of avenues to explore. It will get you out of the house and into a better mindset.

Let your sister deal with her own drama.....She's going to get a massive wake up call....having a baby is so hard...your mum will help her but again that's her choice.... You can't dictate to people what they can or can't do.

Always looking and comparing situations is not a healthy way to live.

afterglow · 16-12-2019 12:25pm

Princess Calla wrote: »

Her life choices are exactly that, her own!

Now I do agree with you but my opinion means diddly squat

I know you are frustrated in that if you had her opportunities you would have /could have achieved a lot more (in theory anyway) .

However if life you have to play the hand you are dealt.

This period of your life will not be forever. Work on making yourself happy. I'm not familiar with benefits and charities but apply for everything you are entitled to.

It's hard to advise as I'm not sure how independent you are, but feck it you went to London so your not housebound so volunteer,it's Christmas, plenty of avenues to explore. It will get you out of the house and into a better mindset.

Let your sister deal with her own drama.....She's going to get a massive wake up call....having a baby is so hard...your mum will help her but again that's her choice.... You can't dictate to people what they can or can't do.

Always looking and comparing situations is not a healthy way to live.

I feel like I say this a lot, particularly to you, but again, I know you're right

I will certainly look into volunteering. Its absolutely something I'm going to do after christmas anyway, if not before.
Thanks again for writing

SusanC10 · 16-12-2019 12:59pm

OP - I have read most of your posts on 3 threads.

If I were in your position, I would seriously consider asking your Grandparents if you could continue to stay with them and pay them whatever you were going to give your Mum.

I know that you said that other family members may object and indeed they themselves may say No but I would ask.

If they say Yes, you are going to have to weigh up the situation at your Parents' house versus the objections of other family members to staying at your Grandparents' and choose the lesser of 2 evils.

If it can't be done, then I would work with what you have within your Parents' house and cultivate as much privacy as you can for yourself while also contacting any organisations which may be able to help you achieve independent living and bide your time.

Wishing you well.

And then there were 6.... update

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