AA Sponsor contacting me every day

LegacyUser · 08-04-2021 2:21pm #1

Hi Guys,

As the title says my AA sponsor is cotacting me on a daily basis and it's strating to drive me crazy. Bit of background, I went to AA a few years ago during a particular dark time in my life and found a lovely sponsor. We have kept in touch briefly over the years with me usually initiating contact in my weaker moments, this was always through text message and not on whatsapp.

However, in recent times i've been doing geat and i'm off the booze and plan on staying that way. I didn't actually find AA helpful and have abstained in my own ways through music, reading, distracting myself when cravings hit, exercise etc. I ahdn't heard from my sponsor but she got in touch to see how I ama nd it was lovely to hear from her. Her style of messaging though is very intense. She asks how I am and says I hope you manage to stay off the booze, the cravings are unbearable and you are powerless over them. She then launches into a long text about how men are bastards and her other was abusive and how she ended up in psychiatric wards many times etc. It is very hard to read and makes me feel very uncomfortable. She does this every time. She always opens with - how are you, hope you are not drinking - insert her horrendous story here about abuse, violence etc.

Her messages were always text and I felt obliged to reply cos the content is so heavy and she's a nice lady but I hated the back and forth through text and it was costing me money so I foolishly asked if she has Whatsapp as it's quick to write and it's free. I wish I had never suggested that cos now she writes to me every single day and it's causing me so much anxiety. Whenever I seee her name pop up my heart starts racing and I don't even want to open her messages. They are so long and draining, just big blocks of text about how awful life is and how alcolholics end up in hospital or dead and how I need to find a higher power of I will die.

I have respect for anybody who has battled and overcome addiction and if AA was the path for her then great. It is not the only path though and it is not the path for me. I hate the repetitive nature of it and I'm sick to death of hearing her bang on about the fact I am powerless, it's like she's willing me to fail. My understanding is that a sponsor is someone is someone the person still battling reaches out to in weaker moments. I don't think it's supposed to be the sponsor burdening the other person with tales of woe and horror.

The other day I was happily pottering around my apartment not thinking about booze and she messaged saying - how are you, I hope you're not drinking - life is so hard etc etc etc
I ended up feeling overcome by cravings and went and bought booze. I felt really upset with her cos she triggered that in me. I wrote to her and kindly explained that I don't feel strong enough to talk about booze and her constant reminding me was not helpful and to please not mention alcohol to me again. It's like pushing cake into a persons face who is on a diet. I said I am grateful for her support but please do not mention booze as I have now fallen off the wagon, such is my fragile state despite months of abstinence.

She replied saying - I understand... you are powerless over alcohol and will only stop with a higher power guiding you. You can stop for weeks or even years but you will always go back to it... I ended up in hospital blah blah f*cking blah.

I guess I'm asking you guys what should I do now? She is a really nice person but I think she's lonely during covid and is using me as sounding board for all her misery. It is in no way helpful to my recovery and not what I imagined a sponsor relationship to be. She is dragging me down. I would feel mean blocking her but I associate her with booze so even seeing her name makes me think - BOOZE!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry my long post but this is causing me huge distress. She is messaging me every day and it's invasive and destructive. I am starting to kind of hate her

Dial Hard · 08-04-2021 3:20pm

What you do now is very simple - you send her one last message thanking her for her support years ago but explaining that as you are no longer using AA as part of your recovery you don't feel it would be helpful or appropriate for you both to stay in touch. Then you block her. It really is that simple.

rainemac · 08-04-2021 7:33pm

+1 on what the reply above me said but also perhaps suggest to her that she contacts HER sponsor, it seems she might be in need of it and instead of an appointed sponsor she is using you.
Message her and then block her.

LegacyUser · 08-04-2021 7:56pm

I agree with politely explaining why you don’t wish to stay in touch and then block her.

She’s already having a negative impact on you and as you said, it’s like she’s willing you to fail.

You seem to have done great work yourself, so please do not undo that by staying in touch with her.

Block her and fast! And you aren’t powerless, you have more power than you realise.

bitofabind · 08-04-2021 8:06pm

Dial Hard said it in one. Polite message and block. Well done on getting into a good place in life and don’t beat yourself up over the slip. It doesn’t matter now and taking that final step to block a trigger will put you back on the right path. Onwards and upwards

LegacyUser · 08-04-2021 9:23pm

Block post polite message thanking for help to this point wouldn't bother getting into the details of why tbh and seek assistance elsewhere. Unhealthy dynamic for both of you. But at the same time she is not responsible for you buying booze that was your choice you made. You might not be doing as well as you think you are so continue to seek some help somewhere but not from sponsor.

LegacyUser · 08-04-2021 9:55pm

As others have said OP one message saying you are no longer taking part in AA and as such no longer wish to be in contact and also suggest that if she's having such issues she should contact her sponsor then block. I know it can be hard as you worry someone like that will do damage to themselves but you need to focus on your own recovery and she needs to have her own support network. Its not healthy for either of you.

LegacyUser · 09-04-2021 10:22am

Thanks for the advice which I will follow over the weekend when she inevitably messages me.
I feel a little guilty but tbh if a friend behaved how she is, I'd be having words with them too.
She's not my friend though, she's essentially a stranger and she's over sharing and over stepping the mark.
I know she didn't push me off the wagon and I chose to buy booze last week but I honestly had no intention of doing that until I heard from her. She's just a lonely miserable woman and I feel used by her at this stage. She would just launch into misery after her inital how are you. I feel like my answer was irrelevant and she just wanted someone to moan to. The stories she was telling me were not run of the mill, they were about child abuse and he ex hsuband beating her and how life is a unberable. Jesus Christ, she'd push a trained councillor to the brink.
Still sober now and I plan on staying that way for a very long time. Thanks again all. I just wanted to make sure I wasn't being really cruel blocking her.

Airyfairy12 · 09-04-2021 2:34pm

Thats awful for her but some people just arent willing to help themselves, it's much easier to wallow in self pity and continuously focus on all the negative events that life throws than it is to make a conscious effort to be happy, accept the past and move forward. It sounds like she's not willing to do the work she needs to do to turn her life around. There could also be some mental disorders that make it much harder for her and anyone whose had even mild mental health problems knows too well how bad the mental health services are, no doubt for someone with mental illness, its a hopeless situation when it comes to getting adequate help. As sad as it is, it's not your responsibility, youre not a trained professional and its negatively effecting your mental health so for that reason alone, you have to put an end to communication with her.
I also get the feeling that in some ways she wants to bring you down, she must be feeling some sense of jealousy of the fact youre doing so well while she's still struggling and bringing you down to her level makes her feel better about her own situation. Misery loves company.

Youre by no means being cruel by blocking her, youve no other choice but to block her imo or risk falling off the wagon.

If she is still engaging with AA, if it was me I would contact them and inform them of the messages and her state of mind. They need to know so theyre not connecting her with anymore vulnerable people who are dealing with their own issues.

Fakediamond · 09-04-2021 3:15pm

I wouldn’t wait for her next text, send her a text today, then block immediately, no point in waiting for a response. Once it’s done, you can move on in your recovery.

Rubberchikken · 09-04-2021 7:48pm

For the sake of your health, continued recovery and privacy you need to block this person.
I don't know how sponsors usually work/contact but it doesn't sound right and not even vaguely helpful.
This person should be no one's sponsor behaving in this way imho.

peckerhead · 09-04-2021 9:55pm

As a 16-year-sober alcoholic, I'll just toss in one other piece of advice, if that's OK, OP?

The woman sounds like she has her issues, and bear in mind that a lot of the people who end up in AA have. Some of them have been really damaged by their drinking years - physically, emotionally, mentally. Make some allowance for that. But yes, thank her nicely for her concern, ask her to stop, and block her straight away if she persists.

I have many times walked away from would-be 'sponsors' if they kept blowing the higher power horn. Many of those with whom I've remained in contact (and whom I call friends, not sponsors) are believers, but they know I am not, and they repect that. As I do their right to believe whatever they want. Anyone who preaches at you that 'you WILL drink again if you don't get a higher power' is just that – a preacher, not a source of support. And they do AA no favours, frankly.

However, having said all that, let me suggest that if you continue to allow yourself to blame other people for you picking up a drink – (s)he 'triggered' me, I wouldn't have done it except for... (etc.) — you are (IMHO) setting yourself up for another slip like you just had. At least, that's been my experience.

It's also another reason to stay away from this woman. I'm not saying shun any/everyone who is an AA member — there are some fantastic people in there. I still attend meetings sometimes, usually with a friend. But run from the zealots and from anyone pushy like that.

Forget about last week. It's done. Take it a day at a time, and remember that you are doing this first and foremost for yourself. And that you are the only person that can decide whether or not to pour that drink down your throat.

I wish you well.

LegacyUser · 11-04-2021 2:48pm

Hi all, OP here..
I just wanted to say thanks a million to everyone who posted, it was extremely helpful. She messaged me yesterday and it was a 'funny' video clip of a comedian talking about alcohol and how great whiskey is. That was it for me. I sent her a polite message saying exactoy what Dial Hard recommended and then I blocked her. I feel a little bit guilty but honestly even if it wasn't for the triggering aspect, I don't enjoy hearing from her and find her texts draining and depressing. Maybe this will be a learning curve for her too that she shouldn't be contacting people every day who she is supposed to be helping. I hope I didn't hurt her feelings but it had to be done.

Thanks again all.

HildaOgdenx · 11-04-2021 6:46pm

Well done.

When you find that someone is bringing only negativity to your life, it's past the time to let them go.

Best of luck, onwards and upwards.

Dog day · 11-04-2021 10:52pm

Well done OP, I’m generally not a fan of blocking at all & view it as a last resort but in this case it was absolutely the only recourse. Your own health, happiness & general well being are primary. Wishing you the best of luck.

spaceHopper · 12-04-2021 11:21am

If you are ever in that situation again, reply with a very up beat message, "hi, yea I'm doing great, I haven't felt the need to drink in so long, getting out for lots of exercise and making most of life, it's so much better now, sorry to hear you had a though time glad you got out of it."

If there is an point of contact for AA maybe let them know she's been over containing and is personally struggling which she's over sharing and dragging you down. Do not tell her you had a drink as she'll go fully into save you mode.

sporina · 14-04-2021 12:03am

wondering if this "sponsor" has fallen off the wagon herself! (no offence to you OP ).. btw you did the right thing blocking her.. she was out of order.. stay strong...

AA Sponsor contacting me every day

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