Acting differently around your partner...

begbysback · 11-01-2019 3:17pm

Porklife wrote: »

Was having a few pints with my flatmate last night who's also my best mate. We were having a laugh, chatting away freely about everything. Around him, especially if we're drinking, I'm completely myself uncensored. I'd tell him my worst stories for comic effect, use language like c*unt, act boisterous and generally have no filter. He knows me instead out.
It got me thinking though, I'd never act that way in front of my boyfriend. I alter my behaviour massively around him. I act way more demure and for want of a better word, ladylike. I still curse and act the maggot but I dilute my wilder stories and tell them in a more coy way.
I've noticed this with my friends too. The lads act one way around me but the minute their girlfriends arrive, they tone it down and reign in the lad talk (again for want of a better term!).
Are you guys the same way and if so, does it mean your partner doesn't truly know you? Should we all be completely unfiltered and 100% ourselves around our partners /potential partners or is a bit of acting par for the course?
I also act differently around guys I fancy. I become all sweet and demure but in reality I'm a bit of a brass tomboy. Maybe I'm just a schizophrenic

Schizophrenic?

What you are experiencing couldn’t be more normal, the word person, persona actually means “assumed character” or “mask” - to be a person is to assume a character.

Porklife · 11-01-2019 3:17pm

Kenia Chubby Thunderstorm wrote: »

That's a big walk back from "I alter my behaviour massively" around him and "I think he'd end it" if he saw you being "completely myself uncensored" to be fair.

Fair point but what I meant was, he'd probably hate to hear about my past sexual escapades for example but I'd talk openly to my friend about them. He'd also probably not like to hear about how wasted I got on a certain night or that I missed work because of a hangover. That's all I meant. I think he'd end it if I started saying last year before we met I had sex with a guy on a pooltable and it was awesome*. Hence why I would never tell him things like that.

*didn't actually happen, is just an example

Deebles McBeebles · 11-01-2019 3:19pm

Brycen Black Refrigeration wrote: »

Of course we do. But it's a question of how much. And no we don't all put on an act as described in the opening post but for which there is backtracking now (again).

"I alter my behaviour massively around him" - it's there in black and white.

Maybe the OP is fine and enjoys her relationship in a different way to yours. Maybe she doesn't and is living a lie. Either way you seem a bit too invested for someone who will never know her.

Porklife · 11-01-2019 3:20pm

Brycen Black Refrigeration wrote: »

Of course we do. But it's a question of how much. And no we don't all put on an act as described in the opening post but for which there is backtracking now (again).

"I alter my behaviour massively around him" - it's there in black and white.

I am not backtracking... Jesus christ would you get off my case!! I do alter my behaviour massively around him. I don't tell him certain things I think he wouldn't want to hear and I'm not nearly as loud, those are big changes but it doesn't mean I'm not myself. I just tone it down a lot. What is so hard for you to understand?

Christ, you have some vendetta against me. Can't we all just get along? It's Friday afterall

Gimme A Pound · 11-01-2019 3:21pm

Feeling obliged to put on an act for a partner. Very unhealthy - and a bit concerning. Especially "I have to be a demure good little girl!" Ew....

Ariadne · 11-01-2019 3:23pm

Brycen Black Refrigeration wrote: »

Feeling obliged to put on an act for a partner. Very unhealthy - and a bit concerning. Especially "I have to be a demure good little girl!" Ew....

If you do think that the OP has low self esteem then you aren't really helping by saying things like "ew".

Porklife · 11-01-2019 3:24pm

joe40 wrote: »

I totally agree with the OP we all have different versions of ourselves depending on the situation we are in. Nobody ever reveals their true selves. Maybe the truth is that your "true self" for want of a better word can also vary day to day and definitely over time.

On a slightly different note and apologies if this comes across as trying to pry but it seems the op has a really open, friendly relationship with her male friend. Is that possible without sexual attraction eventually getting in the way, for either gender.

Are you sure your friend doesn't have feelings for you that go beyond friendship but doesn't want to risk the friendship by making this known. Obviously the friendship important to you both.

I know it is an age old question, but I would be interested in the OP's perspective.

By the way it is great to see people maintain close friendships even when in relationship. Jealousy and trust from the partner can get in the way. You're in a fortunate position

To answer your question Joe40, years ago he told me he had a crush on me but he's since grown out of it. We've known each other a very long time and have been through the wars together. We've both lost family members and mutual friends. We've been through the wars and that changes the dynamic of your relationship. We are more like brother and sister now.

I think men and women can have platonic relationships but it's rare.

joe40 · 11-01-2019 3:24pm

Porklife wrote: »

Fair point but what I meant was, he'd probably hate to hear about my past sexual escapades for example but I'd talk openly to my friend about them. He'd also probably not like to hear about how wasted I got on a certain night or that I missed work because of a hangover. That's all I meant. I think he'd end it if I started saying last year before we met I had sex with a guy on a pooltable and it was awesome*. Hence why I would never tell him things like that.

*didn't actually happen, is just an example

If your current boyfriend is getting serious and you are planning long term relationship with possibly kids marriage etc (if that is what you want) I think you should be able to tell them those things. Including things like the imaginary pool table.

It is impossible to ever be totally yourself, we all hold something back, but stories from your past should not be in that category.
If a potential partner couldn't take me for everything I have done then they wouldn't get me.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5 · 11-01-2019 3:28pm

Porklife wrote: »

Fair point but what I meant was, he'd probably hate to hear about my past sexual escapades for example but I'd talk openly to my friend about them. He'd also probably not like to hear about how wasted I got on a certain night or that I missed work because of a hangover. That's all I meant. I think he'd end it if I started saying last year before we met I had sex with a guy on a pooltable and it was awesome*. Hence why I would never tell him things like that.

*didn't actually happen, is just an example

The sexual escapades, absolutely, I don't think many people would disagree with that. Stories about being locked or hungover though? The "must be demure for my man" thing does seem a bit immature to me, I can remember that self-effacing drive to please and not fondly.

Honestly I'd say the strength of reaction you're getting is because most of us are older and can relate your views to our younger selves.

The fading of that need for approval is great. Luckily the drive to condescend to young people about their self esteem swoops in to fill the gap :pac:

Porklife · 11-01-2019 3:31pm

joe40 wrote: »

If your current boyfriend is getting serious and you are planning long term relationship with possibly kids marriage etc (if that is what you want) I think you should be able to tell them those things. Including things like the imaginary pool table.

It is impossible to ever be totally yourself, we all hold something back, but stories from your past should not be in that category.
If a potential partner couldn't take me for everything I have done then they wouldn't get me.

But when it comes to sex and past relationships, I would hate for him to disclose details of that to me. I don't need to know that he had sex with Rosy down an alleyway when he was 21 much like he doesn't need to know about the.. *cough*.. imaginary pooltable incident. Those things are best kept to oneselves but everything else within reason, I agree. I think I don't tell him when I get really drunk out of shame but in reality, he probably wouldn't care.

Porklife · 11-01-2019 3:32pm

Kenia Chubby Thunderstorm wrote: »

The sexual escapades, absolutely, I don't think many people would disagree with that. Stories about being locked or hungover though? The "must be demure for my man" thing does seem a bit immature to me, I can remember that self-effacing drive to please and not fondly.

Honestly I'd say the strength of reaction you're getting is because most of us are older and can relate your views to our younger selves.

The fading of that need for approval is great. Luckily the drive to condescend to young people about their self esteem swoops in to fill the gap

joe40 · 11-01-2019 3:35pm

Porklife wrote: »

But when it comes to sex and past relationships, I would hate for him to disclose details of that to me. I don't need to know that he had sex with Rosy down an alleyway when he was 21 much like he doesn't need to know about the.. *cough*.. imaginary pooltable incident. Those things are best kept to oneselves but everything else within reason, I agree. I think I don't tell him when I get really drunk out of shame but in reality, he probably wouldn't care.

Fair enough I take your point, I probably haven't told my wife all my past exploits (not that there is that much thrilling detail)

Bigbagofcans · 11-01-2019 3:36pm

Porklife wrote: »

But when it comes to sex and past relationships, I would hate for him to disclose details of that to me. I don't need to know that he had sex with Rosy down an alleyway when he was 21 much like he doesn't need to know about the.. *cough*.. imaginary pooltable incident. Those things are best kept to oneselves but everything else within reason, I agree. I think I don't tell him when I get really drunk out of shame but in reality, he probably wouldn't care.

But that's not the same as acting differently around your partner. I'd bet nearly everyone has stories from their past that they won't ever tell their partner. But if someone feels the need to act massively different around their partner then it's not a true relationship.

Gimme A Pound · 11-01-2019 3:39pm

Kenia Chubby Thunderstorm wrote: »

The sexual escapades, absolutely, I don't think many people would disagree with that. Stories about being locked or hungover though? The "must be demure for my man" thing does seem a bit immature to me, I can remember that self-effacing drive to please and not fondly.

Honestly I'd say the strength of reaction you're getting is because most of us are older and can relate your views to our younger selves.

The fading of that need for approval is great. Luckily the drive to condescend to young people about their self esteem swoops in to fill the gap :pac:

She's in her 30s! And it's silly to break up with someone over them having sex on a pool table before they met, especially when they've had their own sexual escapades.

Yeah I'd understand not regaling them with absolutely everything sexual - not much point anyway - but keeping everything schtumm doesn't reflect well on their partner.

Porklife · 11-01-2019 3:41pm

Bigbagofcans wrote: »

But that's not the same as acting differently around your partner. I'd bet nearly everyone has stories from their past that they won't ever tell their partner. But if someone feels the need to act massively different around their partner then it's not a true relationship.

Yeah, I agree. I think I phrased it incorrectly and have given people the wrong idea. I am myself around him but I definitely reign it in. I just noticed last night how casually I was throwing the word c*nt around and how brass I was being and I realised I'd never act that way if he was there. It's not a huge personality change I'm talking about, just my behaviour last night was a bit laddish and I don't tend to act laddish around him.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5 · 11-01-2019 3:42pm

Brycen Black Refrigeration wrote: »

She's in her 30s!

Well that changes things.

But you honestly do seem a bit overinvested and overinformed.

Zorya · 11-01-2019 3:45pm

Kenia Chubby Thunderstorm wrote: »

Well that changes things.

But you honestly do seem a bit overinvested and overinformed.

I think some of the over-informing was foisted on us to be honest. Though I must admit I had even forgotten the OPs username from that heady thread. I'd be useless as a spy.

Gimme A Pound · 11-01-2019 3:46pm

Zorya wrote: »

I think some of the over-informing was foisted on us to be honest.

Ain't that the truth.

Porklife · 11-01-2019 3:49pm

Zorya wrote: »

I think some of the over-informing was foisted on us to be honest. Though I must admit I had even forgotten the OPs username from that heady thread. I'd be useless as a spy.

Heady thread :pac:

littlevillage · 11-01-2019 3:50pm

Deebles McBeebles wrote: »

Star wipe to 6 months down the line, OP ends up with flatmate. Ex-BF now understands why she was never really herself with him.

My thoughts as well.... this sounds like the plot of a Rom-Com. :rolleyes:

Is your house-mate gay by any chance ? Then you would have the essential plot of Will & Grace. :P

Porklife · 11-01-2019 3:50pm

Brycen Black Refrigeration wrote: »

Ain't that the truth.

Who cares?! It's an anonymous forum and is just a bit of fun.. for me at least. Can't believe how bent outta shape some people on here get over things!

freshpopcorn · 11-01-2019 3:52pm

I learned this around the time of the Belfast rape trial. I saw woman say there son/boyfriend/brother/etc would never use language like that because they were raised correctly . They clearly don't know what there like behind there backs!

Porklife · 11-01-2019 3:54pm

freshpopcorn wrote: »

I learned this around the time of the Belfast rape trial. I saw woman say there son/boyfriend/brother/etc would never use language like that because they were raised correctly . They clearly don't know what there like behind there backs!

Exactly. I see it with my own friends. They would never speak the way they do in the pub in front of their girlfriends. Ever.

Deebles McBeebles · 11-01-2019 3:55pm

Porklife wrote: »

Heady thread :pac:

I thought that thread was about the other end.

Bigbagofcans · 11-01-2019 3:56pm

freshpopcorn wrote: »

I learned this around the time of the Belfast rape trial. I saw woman say there son/boyfriend/brother/etc would never use language like that because they were raised correctly . They clearly don't know what there like behind there backs!

Very true. I've seen glimpses of lads' WhatsApp group messages and they're full of filth!

Porklife · 11-01-2019 3:58pm

Deebles McBeebles wrote: »

I thought that thread was about the other end.

It was but foreplay..:pac:

evil_seed · 11-01-2019 4:01pm

I am what I am, and that's all that I am, and I am it

SomeSayKos · 11-01-2019 4:02pm

Porklife wrote: »

I just noticed last night how casually I was throwing the word c*nt around and how brass I was being and I realised I'd never act that way if he was there=.

Just out of interest, what's wrong with saying the word 'c*nt' around yer fella?
You couldn't swing a cat without hitting a c*nt in my conversations with my partner.

I act the 'same' around my partner as my friends as I love these people and feel comfortable around all of them. I don't compartmentalise them and act different. I only do that in work coz I don't want to lose my job

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5 · 11-01-2019 4:04pm

I'm always so confused by this idea that lads have the monopoly on "locker room talk". I can't remember the last time I DIDN'T end up talking about cock this, ride that, tampon the other at a girls' night in. I know more than I really want to about a couple of friends' partners' balls.

Tell me how · 11-01-2019 4:07pm

SomeSayKos wrote: »

Just out of interest, what's wrong with saying the word 'c*nt' around yer fella?
You couldn't swing a cat without hitting a c*nt in my conversations with my partner.

I act the 'same' around my partner as my friends as I love these people and feel comfortable around all of them. I don't compartmentalise them and act different. I only do that in work coz I don't want to lose my job

Personally, I view the c word as a particularly forceful swearword, I'm no prude but I find I can communicate fine without have to use it in normal conversation.

I don't necessarily think there is anything wrong with trying to speak without using swear words for the most part. Does it not show respect for your friends/family/partner?

As others have said, you wouldn't use it in a formal environment, do those close to you not deserve a similar level of respect.

loveall · 11-01-2019 4:07pm

Porklife I reckon the laddish side keeps the blokes as your mates and hopefully stops them getting their wires crossed and falling in love with you. The demure side is probably your real relationship side maybe the only time you can let someone look after you just a little. Lets face it if you kept your laddish side up in the relationship it wouldn't be you on the receiving end of what I've read...you'd be ramming it home!
Time will change things.
I don't think other women like it though and maybe some don't realise that you'd rather have the company of men than women.

Gimme A Pound · 11-01-2019 4:07pm

My friends and I wouldn't dream of talking about lads like that.

I know some women do but I don't know that it's equal between the sexes.

I don't get it tbh - smacks of bravado. It's private too.

Yeah I'd say vulgar stuff in general to male or female friends but not about specific guys' genitals - why on earth would you do that?

Ariadne · 11-01-2019 4:07pm

Kenia Chubby Thunderstorm wrote: »

I'm always so confused by this idea that lads have the monopoly on "locker room talk". I can't remember the last time I DIDN'T end up talking about cock this, ride that, tampon the other at a girls' night in. I know more than I really want to about a couple of friends' partners' balls.

This confuses me too. I have very dirty conversations with my friends, not only men have vulgar chats. I also have vulgar chats with my male friends, god forbid!

freshpopcorn · 11-01-2019 4:08pm

Kenia Chubby Thunderstorm wrote: »

I'm always so confused by this idea that lads have the monopoly on "locker room talk". I can't remember the last time I DIDN'T end up talking about cock this, ride that, tampon the other at a girls' night in. I know more than I really want to about a couple of friends' partners' balls.

I was always thought woman used language similar to this maybe not as much as men but it was used.
My college course had mainly women in it and the amount of women they called sl*its would shock some people.

Ariadne · 11-01-2019 4:10pm

And my missus would tell me to go and fcuk myself if I told her I didn't like it when she uses the word "cnut"

Gimme A Pound · 11-01-2019 4:12pm

freshpopcorn wrote: »

I was always thought woman used language similar to this maybe not as much as men but it was used.
My college course had mainly women in it and the amount of women they called sl*its would shock some people.

They called them what? Just write it out.

Porklife · 11-01-2019 4:18pm

SomeSayKos wrote: »

Just out of interest, what's wrong with saying the word 'c*nt' around yer fella?
You couldn't swing a cat without hitting a c*nt in my conversations with my partner.

I act the 'same' around my partner as my friends as I love these people and feel comfortable around all of them. I don't compartmentalise them and act different. I only do that in work coz I don't want to lose my job

Haha.. I do say **** around him and he says it alot himself, I just don't say it as frequently. I also don't speak with as much vulgarity as I would around my friends.

retro:electro · 11-01-2019 4:18pm

I’m most myself when I’m around my bf. I feel totally relaxed and know I can say pretty much anything I like, and he’s the same. In fact we’ve pretty much morphed into the same person. Same humour, same habits, often say the same sentence at the same time- hard to know who is who exactly! But, I still wouldn’t say I’m 100% myself around him, and that’s because I adore time by myself and being alone. In fact I need it.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5 · 11-01-2019 4:21pm

Brycen Black Refrigeration wrote: »

I don't get it tbh - smacks of bravado. It's private too.

Yeah I'd say vulgar stuff in general to male or female friends but not about specific guys' genitals - why on earth would you do that?

Those two friends (and the men in question, thank god) are a bit oversharey in general, it comes up in talking about sex. It's not bravado, more bonding, reassurance, advice etc.

That's at the extreme end but I wouldn't think anything of sitting round the table with the gals and everyone telling a series of increasingly more complex and vulgar jokes.

I just don't get the thing of "Oh ye innocent women have nooo idea what all the lads ever talk about when ye're not there".

Porklife · 11-01-2019 4:23pm

As an aside, my bf thinks I'm gorgeous (his words!) but sometimes I'll look in the mirror and laugh thinking maaannnn if he could see me now he'd change his tune!
He sees me in all States btw but on a hungover Saturday morning when I've woken up with mascara all over my face and a chicken ball stuck in my hair, I think to myself, I'm glad we don't live together

Loveinapril · 11-01-2019 4:23pm

seamusk84 wrote: »

Married 9 years. I am my most uncensored self around my wife and her with me.

Yeah. I wouldn't speak the same around some of my friends the way I speak around my husband... they would probably stop being friends with me!

joe40 · 11-01-2019 4:24pm

Its funny how the word **** was once the real taboo swear word but it is becoming much more mainstream now.
I still don't use the word, it would just feel weird for me, but younger people are much more comfortable with it in everyday speech. Not judging by the way just an observation.

joe40 · 11-01-2019 4:25pm

I'm tryin to write the C word, boards won't let me. I didn't put in the ***

Porklife · 11-01-2019 4:25pm

joe40 wrote: »

Its funny how the word **** was once the real taboo swear word but it is becoming much more mainstream now.
I still don't use the word, it would just feel weird for me, but younger people are much more comfortable with it in everyday speech. Not judging by the way just an observation.

You seem lovely, like a real gentleman. The world needs more of people like you.

Deebles McBeebles · 11-01-2019 4:30pm

joe40 wrote: »

I'm tryin to write the C word, boards won't let me. I didn't put in the ***

Boards....such c*nts :pac:

Bigbagofcans · 11-01-2019 4:31pm

Porklife wrote: »

You seem lovely, like a real gentleman. The world needs more of people like you.

Some of the best men I know freely use the word c**t. They don't mean any offence.

Tell me how · 11-01-2019 4:35pm

Bigbagofcans wrote: »

Some of the best men I know freely use the word c**t. They don't mean any offence.

What do they use when they want to communicate offence?

I use it, but like to think it's warranted when I do.

Bigbagofcans · 11-01-2019 4:39pm

Tell me how wrote: »

What do they use when they want to communicate offence?

I use it, but like to think it's warranted when I do.

They'd use it more in slagging/jokey kinda ways, not as in calling someone it in a serious way.

joe40 · 11-01-2019 4:40pm

Bigbagofcans wrote: »

Some of the best men I know freely use the word c**t. They don't mean any offence.

I don't have a problem with that, I was just making the point that it seems to mebe an age thing. Or at least more accepted now.
I'm not prudish or reserved in any way but I was just noting how the swear word C*** has become more widely used than it used to be.
Of Course plenty of good people can swear without meaning offence.

And some really nasty people never swear!!

Deebles McBeebles · 11-01-2019 4:41pm

The way Billy Connolly uses the C word, or any swear word for that matter, is like poetry. It takes some of the offence out of it, no matter what he's said.

Acting differently around your partner...

Comments