Acting differently around your partner...

Porklife · 11-01-2019 11:03am #1

Was having a few pints with my flatmate last night who's also my best mate. We were having a laugh, chatting away freely about everything. Around him, especially if we're drinking, I'm completely myself uncensored. I'd tell him my worst stories for comic effect, use language like c*unt, act boisterous and generally have no filter. He knows me instead out.
It got me thinking though, I'd never act that way in front of my boyfriend. I alter my behaviour massively around him. I act way more demure and for want of a better word, ladylike. I still curse and act the maggot but I dilute my wilder stories and tell them in a more coy way.
I've noticed this with my friends too. The lads act one way around me but the minute their girlfriends arrive, they tone it down and reign in the lad talk (again for want of a better term!).
Are you guys the same way and if so, does it mean your partner doesn't truly know you? Should we all be completely unfiltered and 100% ourselves around our partners /potential partners or is a bit of acting par for the course?
I also act differently around guys I fancy. I become all sweet and demure but in reality I'm a bit of a brass tomboy. Maybe I'm just a schizophrenic

topper75 · 11-01-2019 11:08am

I work off the assumption that nobody is their unfiltered selves, ever. There is always a context so there is always a role to be played.
As the context changes so do you. That is on a day-to-day scale and very perceptible over the years and decades. 'True self' - no such thing, an imagining.

....... · 11-01-2019 11:12am

Never understood it.

I am who I am no matter who Im with.

Obvious Desperate Breakfasts · 11-01-2019 11:14am

When I got with my now husband, he really, really tried not to use the word ‘cünt’ around me. He really tried but eventually gave up. And now I sometimes say it. At home only though.

I’ve never really understood why it’s treated as such an offensive word anyway when ‘dick’ and ‘bellend’ and ‘cock’ and ‘bollocks’ are apparently fine.

Deebles McBeebles · 11-01-2019 11:21am

Star wipe to 6 months down the line, OP ends up with flatmate. Ex-BF now understands why she was never really herself with him.

oLoonatic · 11-01-2019 11:24am

Everyone acts different depending on their company. Whether you want to admit it or realise it.

11-01-2019 11:24am

If you can't endure me at my best, then you don't deserve me at my even better.

BrokenArrows · 11-01-2019 11:24am

You need to unleash the crazy on a partner gradually...

Ush1 · 11-01-2019 11:27am

Woman who is best mates with a bloke, lives with a bloke and goes for pints with bloke but not going out with bloke but also says c*nt.

Edgy.

11-01-2019 11:28am

once you've farted in front of your partner, all taboos miraculously vanish.

I'd recommend doing it as early in the relationship as possible.

11-01-2019 11:28am

See it all the time, guys and women. Maybe that's why I'm still single but I'm not going to be a very different person around someone I might be spending a long time with.

seamus · 11-01-2019 11:28am

topper's hit the nail on the head here; there is always a context. There's always a filter of some sort.

I wouldn't talk to my parents the way I talk to my wife. I wouldn't talk to my friends the way I talk to my wife. I wouldn't talk to my wife the way I talk to my friends.

Part of the beauty of evolving as social animals is that we unconsciously learn to tailor our approach to each person in order to maximise congeniality.

If you think about someone who's described as having "no filter" or who "says it like it is", you find that people treat them differently. Not necessarily in a good or bad way, but they tend to find it much more difficult to carry on a conversation with them. And people also find them exhausting to be around.

If everyone was like this, the world would be a much harsher place where it's more difficult to form relationships because you would find far fewer people with whom you could properly "gel". It wouldn't be some utopia of honesty where everyone was joyful and truly themselves.

Cee-Jay-Cee · 11-01-2019 11:30am

If my wife (of 11 years) heard me and my mates on a night out she'd probably divorce me.

sbsquarepants · 11-01-2019 11:30am

oLoonatic wrote: »

Everyone acts different depending on their company. Whether you want to admit it or realise it.

Some to much greater extent than others. I know some people who have 3 or 4 wildly differing personalities depending on who is around. It make's me extremely distrustful of them.

I don't think I change too much from person to person or from location to location. I tend to curse a lot and if I'm in any sort of formal setting I have to try to keep a lid on that but that's all I can think of really. Even that would be rare as I work in construction / manufacturing and most of the people around me are dragged up knackers so bad language is expected more so than frowned upon:D

Porklife · 11-01-2019 11:44am

Ush1 wrote: »

Woman who is best mates with a bloke, lives with a bloke and goes for pints with bloke but not going out with bloke but also says c*nt.

Edgy.

How is that edgy? You've obviously lived a sheltered life if that's what you consider edgy!

oLoonatic · 11-01-2019 11:46am

Porklife wrote: »

How is that edgy? You've obviously lived a sheltered life if that's what you consider edgy!

Only short of saying you should be in some sort of food preparation area!!

Porklife · 11-01-2019 11:54am

oLoonatic wrote: »

Only short of saying you should be in some sort of food preparation area!!

No idea what you mean..

Porklife · 11-01-2019 11:56am

Cee-Jay-Cee wrote: »

If my wife (of 11 years) heard me and my mates on a night out she'd probably divorce me.

Hahaha.. I was thinking that last night after regaling one of my crazier stories. I was thinking how ill never ever tell him about that night and how id never express myself in such a vulgar way in front of him or he'd end it instantly!
Funny story to tell a friend though

Pyr0 · 11-01-2019 11:58am

I get what you mean, OP. Do you think that your OH would gel just as well with that 'version' of you or is it the one he knows now that attracts him to you?

Porklife · 11-01-2019 12:06pm

Pyr0 wrote: »

I get what you mean, OP. Do you think that your OH would gel just as well with that 'version' of you or is it the one he knows now that attracts him to you?

Pyr0, it's that exact question that got me thinking last night. I was thinking... If he was a fly on the wall right now watching me, would he still wanna be with me. Honest answer is, I don't think so. I think he'd still like me and I'm sure he'd find my stories funny and entertaining but I reckon he'd like his partner to be more demure. I think being ladylike and classy is sexier and more attractive than being a tomboy. I don't want my male friends to be attracted to me sexually so I'll act however I want and won't make an effort to be classy or sexy.
I think he'd lose his attraction to me if he saw me acting so brass. I may be wrong, it's not like I'm a nun around him or completely different. I'm still me, just toned way down.

mariaalice · 11-01-2019 12:06pm

Porklife wrote: »

Was having a few pints with my flatmate last night who's also my best mate. We were having a laugh, chatting away freely about everything. Around him, especially if we're drinking, I'm completely myself uncensored. I'd tell him my worst stories for comic effect, use language like c*unt, act boisterous and generally have no filter. He knows me instead out.
It got me thinking though, I'd never act that way in front of my boyfriend. I alter my behaviour massively around him. I act way more demure and for want of a better word, ladylike. I still curse and act the maggot but I dilute my wilder stories and tell them in a more coy way.
I've noticed this with my friends too. The lads act one way around me but the minute their girlfriends arrive, they tone it down and reign in the lad talk (again for want of a better term!).
Are you guys the same way and if so, does it mean your partner doesn't truly know you? Should we all be completely unfiltered and 100% ourselves around our partners /potential partners or is a bit of acting par for the course?
I also act differently around guys I fancy. I become all sweet and demure but in reality I'm a bit of a brass tomboy. Maybe I'm just a schizophrenic

What age are you, you sound and are acting like a teenage, do you lack confidence in yourself or something?

Porklife · 11-01-2019 12:07pm

mariaalice wrote: »

What age are you, you sound and are acting like a teenage, do you lack confidence in yourself or something?

Having a few pints and a laugh is only for teenagers now is it? Get over yourself love

greenspurs · 11-01-2019 12:13pm

Hmmm ..... Are you just insecure , or fishing for other peoples stories?

Either (or neither) way , something strange here .......
Best of luck with your dual persona's

Bigbagofcans · 11-01-2019 12:17pm

Aegir wrote: »

once you've farted in front of your partner, all taboos miraculously vanish.

I'd recommend doing it as early in the relationship as possible.

I love that a boardsie called Fart liked this post

I can never understand how some people are going out for years and have never farted in front of their partner. Are they not uncomfortable holding them in?

Porklife · 11-01-2019 12:36pm

Bigbagofcans wrote: »

I love that a boardsie called Fart liked this post

I can never understand how some people are going out for years and have never farted in front of their partner. Are they not uncomfortable holding them in?

I have never and would never.. some things are best done in solitude. Do you not think it kinda kills romance? Like couples who p*ss and sh*t in front of each other. I'm all for intimacy but bathroom stuff is definitely my alone time. I don't see how it brings you closer as a couple, if anything it would turn me off my partner, same goes for farting. Do you not find it gross?
Not getting at ya btw, just asking!

Porklife · 11-01-2019 12:36pm

greenspurs wrote: »

Hmmm ..... Are you just insecure , or fishing for other peoples stories?

Either (or neither) way , something strange here .......
Best of luck with your dual persona's

Far from insecure dude, no need to worry about me

xi5yvm0owc1s2b · 11-01-2019 12:39pm

Porklife wrote: »

Was having a few pints with my flatmate last night who's also my best mate. We were having a laugh, chatting away freely about everything. Around him, especially if we're drinking, I'm completely myself uncensored. I'd tell him my worst stories for comic effect, use language like c*unt, act boisterous and generally have no filter. He knows me instead out.
It got me thinking though, I'd never act that way in front of my boyfriend. I alter my behaviour massively around him. I act way more demure and for want of a better word, ladylike. I still curse and act the maggot but I dilute my wilder stories and tell them in a more coy way.
I've noticed this with my friends too. The lads act one way around me but the minute their girlfriends arrive, they tone it down and reign in the lad talk (again for want of a better term!).
Are you guys the same way and if so, does it mean your partner doesn't truly know you? Should we all be completely unfiltered and 100% ourselves around our partners /potential partners or is a bit of acting par for the course?
I also act differently around guys I fancy. I become all sweet and demure but in reality I'm a bit of a brass tomboy. Maybe I'm just a schizophrenic

My guess is that you're acting the boisterous ladette around your friend, every bit as much as you're acting demure and ladylike around your boyfriend.

I very much doubt that either persona is "100% yourself."

Ush1 · 11-01-2019 12:41pm

Porklife wrote: »

How is that edgy? You've obviously lived a sheltered life if that's what you consider edgy!

If it isn't edgy, why did you create this thread?

Blazer · 11-01-2019 12:42pm

Porklife wrote: »

How is that edgy? You've obviously lived a sheltered life if that's what you consider edgy!

I bet in your head you added a "cvnt!" after that sentence

Porklife · 11-01-2019 12:42pm

Lee Gentle Ape wrote: »

My guess is that you're acting the boisterous ladette around your friend, every bit as much as you're acting demure and ladylike around your boyfriend.

I very much doubt that either persona is the "100% yourself."

I've known my friend since childhood and we've been through the mill together.. bereavements, weddings, breaks ups, break downs. I'm in no way acting around him, I'm being completely myself.

Porklife · 11-01-2019 12:44pm

Ush1 wrote: »

If it isn't edgy, why did you create this thread?

Certainly not to be edgy.. Jesus Christ, what is it with some posters on here? It's Friday afternoon and I'm a bit bored a work. I started a friendly thread and as always, I'm getting stick of people. I've been called immature, insecure and now edgy

It's just a lighthearted topic and was on my mind so I posted it. No hidden meanings or trying to be anything other than distracted at work! I'm just killing time till I can go home and after hours is a good place to do that albeit a little frosty at times. Cheer the f*ck up you c*nt!

11-01-2019 12:46pm

OP just ride your friend and be yourself with your BF.

Gimme A Pound · 11-01-2019 12:46pm

mariaalice wrote: »

What age are you, you sound and are acting like a teenage, do you lack confidence in yourself or something?

greenspurs wrote: »

Hmmm ..... Are you just insecure , or fishing for other peoples stories?

Either (or neither) way , something strange here .......
Best of luck with your dual persona's

BIG time. I mean of course people act some bit differently around different people - and i do appreciate men tend to find women who aren't ladettes more attractive - but it's never healthy to put on a complete act, particularly with the person you are supposed to be getting closest to.

What are all these terrible things you have to hide anyway? Why are you so uncomfortable with them?

Sorry Porklife, between this and the other thread which contained a lot of seeking approval ("I like to be demure... and agree to get ****ed up the ass when I don't want to"

) - you seem like a good person but you *really* need to work on your self worth.

Tell me how · 11-01-2019 12:47pm

I know a guy who puts on a Cork accent when talking to his business partner.

I've only heard him speak to him on the phone twice and each time he did it. I asked him about it and he said he doesn't think he does.

I suspect he did it (subconsciously or otherwise) originally to connect with him better and here he is 3 years later.

Bigbagofcans · 11-01-2019 12:47pm

Porklife wrote: »

I have never and would never.. some things are best done in solitude. Do you not think it kinda kills romance? Like couples who p*ss and sh*t in front of each other. I'm all for intimacy but bathroom stuff is definitely my alone time. I don't see how it brings you closer as a couple, if anything it would turn me off my partner, same goes for farting. Do you not find it gross?
Not getting at ya btw, just asking!

So do you run off to another room to release gas?

Nah it doesn't kill romance for me, it just makes us more comfortable in front of each other.

If someone has breath that would knock out a small child, now that would be a turn off.

Cockford Ollie · 11-01-2019 12:52pm

Was hard to figure out if you were male or female.

Porklife · 11-01-2019 12:53pm

Brycen Black Refrigeration wrote: »

BIG time. I mean of course people act some bit differently around different people - and i do appreciate men tend to find women who aren't ladettes more attractive - but it's never healthy to put on a complete act, particularly with the person you are supposed to be getting closest to.

What are all these terrible things you have to hide anyway? Why are you so uncomfortable with them?

Sorry Porklife, between this and the other thread which contained a lot of seeking approval ("I like to be demure... and agree to get ****ed up the ass when I don't want to" ) - you seem like a good person but you *really* need to work on your self worth.

You don't know me in fairness and you're way off the mark. I just mean, I'd be a bit louder around my friends, I'm not hiding anything. My bf knows all my stories but I dilute them a bit for him whereas I wouldn't around my friends.

Are you saying that a bunch of lads down the pub talk the same way in front of their girlfriends? I highly doubt it. We are social chamelians to quote Ian Brown and I'd be very surprised if you act the same way in front of everyone.

I tone wild stories down a bit in front of my partner and don't act the maggot as much around him, that doesn't mean I'm hiding anything or that I'm insecure.

Tacitus Kilgore · 11-01-2019 12:53pm

One of the keys to being a good communicator - being able to adapt to different peoples ways/preferences/accents/colloquialisms etc.

Not sure if anyone else notices my differences, but with the amount I adapt even just my voice on the phone to people (mostly in a business context) I almost feel like I have Schizophrenia at times.

greenspurs · 11-01-2019 12:55pm

Porklife wrote: »

Far from insecure dude, no need to worry about me

So your are just fishing for stories then?

xi5yvm0owc1s2b · 11-01-2019 12:56pm

Porklife wrote: »

I've known my friend since childhood and we've been through the mill together.. bereavements, weddings, breaks ups, break downs. I'm in no way acting around him, I'm being completely myself.

Many would argue that there is no such thing as an authentic self buried deep inside the layers of personas, roles, and other performative selves we regularly display to our bosses, colleagues, spouses, friends, and relatives. The notion of being "completely yourself" may be nothing more than a comforting illusion.

Porklife · 11-01-2019 12:57pm

Just to add to people calling me insecure for posting this, I wouldn't want to be around these here parts cos seemingly no matter what I post I get berated and insulted. This is a lighthearted Friday afternoon thread and Gimme a Pound and others are insulting me out of nowhere. Christ, next you'll be telling me to join a club, leave my partner and get counselling!

Lighten up folks, I meant no harm for gods sake, it's just a self observation and I wondered if others did the same thing.. is all.. so leave my maturity and insecurity levels out of it! :pac:

Porklife · 11-01-2019 12:58pm

greenspurs wrote: »

So your are just fishing for stories then?

Yes.. that's the point of AH... discussion and debate. What's your problem? Jesus!

witchgirl26 · 11-01-2019 1:00pm

I suppose I would have a little bit at the start with my partner and vice versa but 8 years later and living together most of that, I just couldn't be arsed. He's seen me at my absolute worst and my best in those years. I know that he can be a bit....cruder in his humour I suppose when he's around his friends but as we often all socialise together, I do see that and it doesn't bother me as I know it's just how they've always all been with each other.

I don't bother trying to be something I'm not around people who know me well as it's not worth it. Now that said, there are times I'd love to slap some of them but I don't and smile and nod but that's a bit different. That's just not being a d*ck.

Ariadne · 11-01-2019 1:01pm

I'm more myself with my partner than I am with anyone else. Though having said that I did keep a lid on the crazy at the start and let it seep out gradually

I couldn't live with someone and hide who I am though, I wouldn't want to live like that.

With friends I am pretty much myself, but everyone caters to their audience to a certain extent. With family there's far less cursing and dirty humour, a less vulgar version of myself, and most of them wouldn't be hearing my wild stories, though my missus and friends would alright.

When I worked in the past I was very reserved and quiet and kept to myself, since my "true" personality wouldn't really be acceptable in an office environment.

With strangers/acquaintances I am pretty chameleon like and just tend to go with what's being said. Like if they said it's a lovely sunny day I'll agree and not bother getting into the fact that I don't like the heat. Just easier than having that conversation.

Porklife · 11-01-2019 1:05pm

Succubus_ wrote: »

I'm more myself with my partner than I am with anyone else. Though having said that I did keep a lid on the crazy at the start and let it seep out gradually I couldn't live with someone and hide who I am though, I wouldn't want to live like that.

With friends I am pretty much myself, but everyone caters to their audience to a certain extent. With family there's far less cursing and dirty humour, a less vulgar version of myself, and most of them wouldn't be hearing my wild stories, though my missus and friends would alright.

When I worked in the past I was very reserved and quiet and kept to myself, since my "true" personality wouldn't really be acceptable in an office environment.

With strangers/acquaintances I am pretty chameleon like and just tend to go with what's being said. Like if they said it's a lovely sunny day I'll agree and not bother getting into the fact that I don't like the heat. Just easier than having that conversation.

This is exactly what I mean, what a lovely post

I love that you're more yourself around your partner than with anyone, made me smile.

valoren · 11-01-2019 1:08pm

Familiarity breeds cuntempt i.e. the longer you know a person, the more acceptable it is to use words like 'cnut'.

e.g. you enter a pub meeting a friend, you walk up to him and say "Alright you cnut?". He knows you're messing. You're just being yourself.

versus

Walking in for a job interview "Please to meet you, ya cnut!"
Still being yourself but still looking for a job.

Cienciano · 11-01-2019 1:13pm

....... wrote: »

Never understood it.

I am who I am no matter who Im with.

No you're not. And you don't understand why a bloke might act slightly different around a girlfriends parents or mother in law than he would when he's in the pub with his mates? You really don't understand that?
Calling bullshít

Ush1 · 11-01-2019 1:28pm

Porklife wrote: »

Certainly not to be edgy.. Jesus Christ, what is it with some posters on here? It's Friday afternoon and I'm a bit bored a work. I started a friendly thread and as always, I'm getting stick of people. I've been called immature, insecure and now edgy

It's just a lighthearted topic and was on my mind so I posted it. No hidden meanings or trying to be anything other than distracted at work! I'm just killing time till I can go home and after hours is a good place to do that albeit a little frosty at times. Cheer the f*ck up you c*nt!

I'm quite cheery thanks. Don't let the door hit you on the way out.

Also, the fact that you are asking the question why you modify this behaviour in front of another person, indicate YOU think it is edgy.

Baron Kurtz · 11-01-2019 1:30pm

Porklife wrote: »

Having a few pints and a laugh is only for teenagers now is it? Get over yourself love

That's not demure. Demure. Demure.

Gimme A Pound · 11-01-2019 1:31pm

Porklife, you did something you plainly didn't want to do, and you even said before that that you weren't sure you should in case he (who wanted it) would lose respect for you - wtf?!

And I get enjoying being feminine with your man - it is more attractive - but feeling forced to be "demure" (modest, meek, timid) yet taking it up the ass when not wanting to. That's a little bit disturbing tbh. You appear to feel like you should be kinda subjugated and should put on an act, and "I need approval" all over the place. No partner is worth staying with if they compel the other person to have to put on an act.

Gimme A Pound · 11-01-2019 1:35pm

Oh and women who are all "I'm sweet and girlie... giggle!... But I'm actually a filthy bitch" are really annoying.

They're obviously not comfortable with their promiscuity.

Acting differently around your partner...

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