Jokes thread

Hogan · 02-08-2002 8:07am

hehehe

Derek_S · 23-08-2002 9:10am

PEOPLE AND THEIR DRINKS..
> > >
> > >A recent magazine survey, interviewed fifty bartenders and
> > they were
> > >asked if they could identify a customer's personality on
> > what drinks
> > >they ordered? Although interviewed separately, they
> > concurred on
> > >almost all counts.
> > >The results:
> > >
> > >IF WOMEN DRINK...
> > >
> > >Beer:
> > >Personality: Casual, low maintenance; down to earth.
> > >Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.
> > >
> > >Cocktails or Blender drinks with umbrella:
> > >Personality: Flaky, annoying, dizzy, and a pain in the ass.
> > >Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.
> > >
> > >Mixed drinks - no umbrellas e.g.; Scotch and soda:
> > >Personality: Mature, has picky taste; knows what she wants
> > >Approach: If she wants you, she'll send YOU a drink.
> > >
> > >Water:
> > >Personality: Pretentious and is looking for a serious
> > relationship.
> > >Approach: Don't
> > >
> > >Wine - (bottled, not 4 litre cask):
> > >Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated.
> > >Approach: Try and weave Paris and clothing into the
> > conversation.
> > >
> > >Bacardi Breezer, Red Square, Archers, Smirnoff Ice, etc:
> > >Personality: Easy; thinks she is trendy and sophisticated
> > actually
> > >has absolutely no clue.
> > >Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is... and you're
> > in.
> > >
> > >Cape Velvet:
> > >Personality: Annoying voice, bit of a tart.
> > >Approach: Stand close and mention the alley next to the
> > pub.
> > >
> > >Shots and Slammers (Tequila, Vodka, Aftershock etc.):
> > >Personality: Hangs around with male work pals or looking
> > to get
> > >drunk... and naked.
> > >Approach: Easiest hit in the pub, Nothing to do but wait...
> > >
> > >
> > >IF MEN DRINK... (As always, very simple and clear cut.)
> > >
> > >Cider:
> > >He's probably under-aged and wants to get laid.
> > >
> > >Cheap Domestic Beer:
> > >He's poor / student and wants to get laid.
> > >
> > >Premium Local Beer:
> > >He likes good beer and wants to get laid.
> > >
> > >Imported Beer:
> > >He's old; he likes good beer and wants to get laid.
> > >
> > >Guinness:
> > >The man is a rapist and will get laid one way or another.
> > >
> > >Water:
> > >He just threw up and is trying to wash the taste out of
> > his mouth so
> > >that he can still get laid.
> > >
> > >Wine:
> > >He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a
> > sophisticated image
> > >and help him get laid.
> > >
> > >Vodka or Brandy:
> > >Extremely horny hound, would shag a warm scarf. Desperate
> > to get
> > >laid.
> > >
> > >Port:
> > >Thinks he's sophisticated, secretly likes men and wants to
> > get laid.
> > >
> > >Whisky:
> > >He doesn't give two $hits about anything and will hit
> > anyone who
> > >will
> > >get in his way of getting laid.
> > >
> > >Jack Daniels:
> > >Not as masculine as the whisky drinker, knows all about
> > feminine
> > >activities (knitting, crochet etc.) to weasel himself
> > into getting
> > >laid.
> > >
> > >Rum or Tequila:
> > >Likes fighting almost as much as getting laid.
> > >
> > >Bacardi Breezer, Red Square, Archers, Smirnoff Ice, etc:
> > >He's gay (blatantly) - don't turn your back or pick up
> > any dropped
> > >change.

Derek_S · 23-08-2002 11:50am

Subject: IF MEN WROTE PROBLEM PAGES

Problems with Paul

Q: My husband wants a threesome with my best friend and me.

A: Obviously your husband cannot get enough of you! Knowing that there is only one of you he can only settle for the next best thing your best friend. Far from being an issue, this can only bring you closer together. Why not get some of your old college roommates involved too? If you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with your friends without you. If you're still not sure then just perform oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal while you think about it.

Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.

A: Do it. Semen can help you lose weight and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice a day: then cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.

A: This is perfectly natural behaviour and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. A night out chasing young single girls is great stress relief and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember, nothing can rekindle your relationship better than the man being away for a day or two (it's great time to clean the house too!) Just look at how emotional and happy he is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do when he returns home is for you and your best friend to perform oral sex on him. Then cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.

A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it do it in your own time or ask your best friend to help. You may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and present it to your husband as a birthday gift. To ease your selfish guilt, perform oral sex on him and cook him a delicious meal.

Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.

A: You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity training. Foreplay to man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex should be available to your husband on demand with no pesky requests for foreplay. What this means is that you do not love your man as much as you should; He should never have to work to get you in the mood. Stop being so selfish! Perhaps you can make it up to him by performing oral sex on him and cooking him a nice meal.

Q: My husband always has an orgasm then rolls over and goes to sleep without giving me one.

A: I'm not sure I understand the problem. Perhaps you've forgotten to cook him a nice meal.

Derek_S · 26-08-2002 1:25pm

excuses fella's and girls use if they've been blanked

girls one

You're not his type
He's shy
He's an idiot
His mate fancies you
His mate hates you
He doesn't fancy you
He's got an embarrassing problem
He's gay
He's already taken
He has a disgusting disease
His last girlf looked like you
His last girlf looked nothing like you

fella's one

she's a LESBIAN

Derek_S · 26-08-2002 1:28pm

He says: "It's a bloke thing"
He means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical"

He says: "It would take too long to explain"
He means: "I have no idea how it works"

He says: "I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind"
He means: "I was wondering if that Britney-alike over there is wearing a bra"

He says: "It's a really good movie"
He means: "It's got guns, explosions, fast cars, and Cameron Diaz"

He says: "I just cut myself, it's no big deal"
He means: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit it hurts"

He says: "Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing"
He means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon"

He says: "I broke up with her"
He means: "She dumped me"

He says: "Nice dress!"
He means: "Nice cleavage!"

He says: "She's a nice girl"
He means: "I really fancy her"

He says: "She's a cow"
He means: "She doesn't fancy me"

Hogan · 30-08-2002 4:18pm

old but funny.....

The five dogs
Five men were bragging about how smart their dogs were.

One was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a
Chemist, the fourth was a Computer Tech and the fifth was a Fianna Fail
politician.

To show off, the Engineer called to his dog, "T-Square, do your stuff".
T-Square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly
drew a circle, a square and a triangle. Everyone agreed that it was pretty
incredible.

But the Accountant said that his dog could do better. He called to his dog
and commanded, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff". Spreadsheet went out into the
kitchen and returned with a dozen biscuits. He divided them into four equal
piles of three biscuits each. Everyone agreed that that was good.

But the Chemist said his dog could do better. He called to his dog and said,
"Measure, do your stuff". Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took
out a litre of milk, got a pint glass from the cupboard and poured exactly a
pint without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that it was more than a little
impressive.

The Computer Tech knew that he could top them all. "Hard Drive, do it". Hard
Drive crossed the room and booted up the computer, checked for viruses,
upgraded the operating system, sent an e-mail and installed a cool new game.
Everyone knew that it was a tough act to follow.

Then the four men turned to the Politician and said, "What can your dog do?"

The Politician called to his dog and said, "Ansbacher, do your stuff boy".
Ansbacher jumped to his feet, ate the biscuits, drank the milk, erased all
of the files on the computer, shagged the other four dogs, claimed he was
doing it for continued economic prosperity, deported the computer techs dog
because he was black, then rolled over, took a crap on the floor and said "A
lot done. More to do".

Derek_S · 30-08-2002 4:28pm

were was the funny bit?

Ste- · 30-08-2002 6:22pm

Originally posted by Derek_S
were was the funny bit?

look down between ur legs ull see sumtin small yeah thats it

Hogan · 31-08-2002 11:45am

Originally posted by Derek_S
were was the funny bit?

its better then a lot of the crap you send me derek !! :rolleyes:

Derek_S · 01-09-2002 4:42pm

how dare you woman,it's over

Hogan · 03-09-2002 12:22pm

my god the heartlessness of it all

Derek_S · 03-09-2002 12:25pm

i didn't mean it take me back baby

Hogan · 03-09-2002 12:26pm

no way i am so over you

Derek_S · 03-09-2002 12:28pm

fine i've moved on in anyway

i faked everything your all washed up

Hogan · 03-09-2002 12:30pm

your lies dont bother me any more, go find some other poor soul to torment

Derek_S · 03-09-2002 12:31pm

fine i want my strap on back though

Hogan · 03-09-2002 12:34pm

ste took it

Derek_S · 03-09-2002 12:35pm

oh so you went behind my back with ste then fine i gave allan a good rodgering while your back was turned

Hogan · 03-09-2002 1:17pm

....but ste claimed you sent him to collect it ??

Derek_S · 03-09-2002 2:51pm

it's always lies with you isn't it no wonder i dumped you

DeeJ · 12-09-2002 5:16pm

Little Johnny come home from class and his mother is having a bath. Johnny goes upstairs to say hello and was surprised to see his mother nude for the first time.
'Mammy' he said pointing at her breasts, 'What are they called and what are they for'
'They are called breasts and they store milk for little babies'
'I see', says Johnny, 'and what are they for', he says pointing to her nipples
'They are called nipples and that'e where tha babies milk comes out'
'Oh, and what is that for', says Johnny pointing at her genitals
Embarrased the mother says, 'Oh, thats were your Daddy hit me with the axe by accident'
'Jeez', says Johnny, 'He got you right in the Gee'

charlene · 17-09-2003 6:24pm

Does anyone viewing does remember the energy website, chat room and forums. Any of use chat about a year ago still hear now. Let me know.

Ste- · 17-09-2003 9:38pm

Yep used to post there,
Who were you on it ?

charlene · 18-09-2003 3:39pm

I was always Charlene I posted for ages. do you remember ally and bulmersbabes.

Ste- · 18-09-2003 5:15pm

Vageuly. Not too many old folk from Energy here anymore tho.

[Insert tumbleweed}

charlene · 28-10-2003 12:47pm

yeah i can imagine so it's been along time since I posted anyway.
Are you from tallaght by any chance because i knew a lad that chatted on energy named steve from there . let me know hey
nice one
charlene

Ste- · 28-10-2003 6:54pm

No but that might be "Lenny" from round here he also posted on Energy and he lives in Tallaght.

charlene · 16-11-2003 4:55pm

Might be you never now. What happened to the energy site anyway it just disappeared one day.

Ste- · 16-11-2003 6:19pm

Bills didn't get paid. That's what I think anyway.

charlene · 25-11-2003 4:10pm

Hey I think it was better it disappered tho because I think I went a little over board,
Like my mam's phone bill was going through the roof Because I was on the net so much. Unfortunatly I have to pay for my own access now so I limited it.

HardStyleNation · 30-03-2007 2:29pm

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brianw25 · 21-10-2009 6:32am

hey peeps... tell me if u think this is a funny story ok....true story as a matter of fact.. picture that like.......

right here it goes...

bout 2 yrs ago went to play a game of ptich and putt , realised i had no golf balls ... feck sake like ya no .. anyway like went in town to buy some, grAND ol bargain... 6 in a box for a fiver say RIGHTTTTTT...

off i went anyway to the club again, all set for an ol GAMEEEEEE .. put the ball dwn and hit in sign of the ball , so i siad i try again , another ball gone and a 3rd an all.. so f)ck it i say there must be sumtin wrong here.. had a walk anyway saw sumtin on the grass.. a piece of the ball imagine...so jesusssssss i said i better look at the box etc... anyway they werent golf balls at all...

they were repilica golf balls made out of soap .

MichaelJos17 · 21-12-2009 6:01pm

brianw25 wrote: »

hey peeps... tell me if u think this is a funny story ok....true story as a matter of fact.. picture that like.......

right here it goes...

bout 2 yrs ago went to play a game of ptich and putt , realised i had no golf balls ... feck sake like ya no .. anyway like went in town to buy some, grAND ol bargain... 6 in a box for a fiver say RIGHTTTTTT...

off i went anyway to the club again, all set for an ol GAMEEEEEE .. put the ball dwn and hit in sign of the ball , so i siad i try again , another ball gone and a 3rd an all.. so f)ck it i say there must be sumtin wrong here.. had a walk anyway saw sumtin on the grass.. a piece of the ball imagine...so jesusssssss i said i better look at the box etc... anyway they werent golf balls at all...

they were repilica golf balls made out of soap .

Methinks that's classic

heffo500 · 02-03-2010 12:31am

Whats a Catholic Priest and a pint of guinness got in common? ... Black coat White Collar and good help your arse if you get a dodgy on ...

Did u hear about the fat transvestite all he wanted to do was eat drink and be mary

5 things not to say in a gay bar

1. Well F.U.C.K. me

2. Bottoms up

3.Can I bum a fag?

4. Toss ya for the next round

5. Can you push my stool in?

The Dyslexia associations protest march to the DAIL this morning ended up in chaos when half of them ended up at Aldi

Man in bed with his thai girlfriend. After sex, she spends the next hour just gently stroking his penis as she has done on many occasions. Rather enjoying it, he turns and asks: Why do you love doing that? She replies: Because I really miss mine

terryincork · 02-03-2010 12:40am

Chris Tarrant asks Wayne Bridge, "For £64,000, what is the colour of Vanessa Perroncel's pubic hair? Is it, A - Brown, B - Black, C - Blonde or D - Ginger"

Wayne replies, "Can I phone a friend?"

terryincork · 02-03-2010 12:44am

I can see dead people, some call it a curse and some call it a blessing.

I call it a job at a mortuary.

jobee · 03-03-2011 6:02pm

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."
Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."
Nelson: "Hold on, this isn't what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"
Hardy: "Sorry sir?"
Nelson (reading aloud): "England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledygook is this for God's sake?"
Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting "England " past the censors, lest it be considered racist."
Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."
Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle."
Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."
Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it full speed ahead.."
Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."
Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history.. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please."
Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."
Nelson: "What?"
Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until proper scaffolding can be erected."
Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy.."
Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."
Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier- free environment for the differently abled."
Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."
Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under- represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."
Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."
Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"
Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."
Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."
Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"
Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."
Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"
Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."
Nelson: "We're not?"
Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."
Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."
Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity coordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."
Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."
Hardy: "Not any more, sir.. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"

Nelson: "Don't tell me - Health and Safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"
Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."
Nelson: "What about sodomy?"
Hardy: "I believe the Pope has made it legal, sir."
Nelson: "In that case..................... kiss me, Hardy."

Jokes thread

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