Help cheating boyfriend....seriously bad!!!!

yummymummy1990 · 25-08-2019 3:13pm #1

Hiya so I'm looking for some serious advice on what to do I'm so lost and I don't no how to handle the situation I'm in now so IL explain all and see if any off you have had the same experiences and what the hell do I do!! Ok so I'm with this guy I thought was the love off my life for 14years regardless of his early mistakes in our relationship I forgave him and moved on...but what I find out is he never did my whole relationship has been a lie he even had a second phone stashed at work contacting girls as young as 15 over Facebook they were all inappropriate images of girls and also tried to talk to every girl I know,he even wrote to nebiours of ours were we live in an este sexual messages,he also was on swingers site trying to meet up with random girls for watever also dating sites Snapchat all behind my back and to make things more distriburing he had multiple accounts of these with all diffrent names and got daring eneough to even do one in a close sample of his own name...iv also found out he slept with the two biggest tramps where I live!he was contacting and search up hundreds of girls! how the hell can I move on or trust a person like this or is it just me am I over reacting and all he is is a simple cheat or am I right and there is so much more going on here mentally with him.....I'm apsoloutely heart broken as iv never cheated nor would I dream of even looking at another man he was all I ever wanted I wasn't interested in anything else..I'v always took care of my appearance for him and always tried to make him happy in every aspect of our life...my health is highly affected now and I'm on anxiety medication iv been on these nearly a year now as I was trying to hide the fact I new some of which was going on but nothing could prepare me for what I found out....he's 30 I'm 29 and we have two children one nearly 12 (girl) and boy 7 so you can understand my worry with my daughters age or am over reacting this, I can seem to make any sense of what's going on any more I'm still with him,I even nearly ended my life once when I found out he was on swingers and another couple weeks ago the day I found out he slep with the girls I mentioned I'm unsure of how many he has met I just no there's them two! He also advertised to meet collage girls and pay them to show there boobs, all the people he has added on Facebook and all are nearly all you collage girls some are even in school still under 18 any advice or anyone that has been threw anything like this before would be greatly appreciated to help me get my head around it! Thanks all sorry for long message iv obviously left out bits as there to upsetting bro go into detail but hope all makes sense.

Faith · 25-08-2019 3:23pm

Mod note: Moved from Weddings forum. Relationship Issues charter now applies.

Pauliedragon · 25-08-2019 3:25pm

1st leave him he won't change. 2nd if he is contacting and/or downloading images of underage girls do the right thing by the community and contact the police.

AulWan · 25-08-2019 3:41pm

If he is 30 and contacting 15 year old girls, then you need to get in touch with the Gardai. There is no excuse for this, and no way around it.

Sorry for your troubles, I know you are distressed but you have to take a hard line here, and do what is right.

If you don't, then you are complicit.

fineso.mom · 25-08-2019 3:41pm

As above..leave, dont waste another day of your life on someone like him.
And yes,if he is contacting underage girls,talk to the guards.
The first thing to do to get your head round the situation is to accept that he is not the person you thought he was. Forgive yourself for making the mistake of thinking he was. You have your whole life ahead of you, dont waste any more of it.

fineso.mom · 25-08-2019 3:43pm

Oh, and get yourself checked for STDs. If you know he slept with two ,he probably slept with many more.

hedzball · 25-08-2019 4:07pm

Cheating aside.

Hes contacting kids in a sexual way.

He is without a doubt, a paedophile.

You have kids. Do what is right.

Leave and call the guards. Don't pull him up on it as he will have time to hide his tracks.

leggo · 25-08-2019 5:24pm

First off I'm sorry you went through this OP.

Most pressingly, if he is contacting and sending inappropriate messages to teenage girls of around 15, then your partner is a pedophile and you should take any evidence you have of such to the Gardaí. Now we're talking about a child welfare situation and other children may be at risk if he is out there carrying on like this. This takes priority above all else, including how much you love him or whether he's the father of your children. He is a threat to others and it needs to be dealt with.

In terms of what else you should do: if you live together, kick him out of your home immediately and stay in the house. Change the locks if you have to when he's gone. Get advice from the Gardaí when you visit them about how you should proceed regarding access to the children and any subsequent potential dealings you have around that. You should NOT consider forgiving and forgetting, nor believing any assurances he gives you, no matter how much easier that may make your life and stresses. You were with an extremely bad person and, in time, your life will be better off without him in it even if you don't see that now.

DON'T minimise what he did in your brain. Don't make excuses for him. Also realise that HE is the one who hurt you here, so try not to take your anger out on those he slept with by calling them tramps etc. They had no commitment towards you, he did, so he's the one who should take the brunt of your anger.

Now realise that you did NOTHING wrong here and didn't deserve it. You believed a liar, he is the one who did wrong and you were just an unfortunate victim in all of this. When someone is carrying on in this manner so prolifically, you can't take it personally like you weren't enough or anything like that. Nobody would be enough for this guy, it's just who he is as a person. You need to stay strong now for your children too, remember that if you get any other dark thoughts, they're going to go through an ordeal dealing with this too and need their mother more than ever. But, at the same time, don't put your own suffering to the bottom of the pile. Talk to close friends or family, seek counselling if you need it. Cry if you need to cry. Be nice to yourself. Put work into your own recovery because your kids need you at full strength so it's in their best interest for you to be as okay as you possibly can here.

Lastly, I'll repeat, this ****tiness is temporary. It will pass, you will recover, move on and be happy again in the future. Just take this a day at a time and work towards that day slowly.

punisher5112 · 25-08-2019 5:27pm

Em extremely difficult to read please pause and leave spaces.

Dump his sorry #ss.

Seriously why would anyone give a tool like that time.

Sorry you have had to go through it but if you can and have close family and friends talk to them and get any help you need to get out of this toxic relationship....

Calltocall · 25-08-2019 5:36pm

OP you mention are you overreacting, no, no you’re really not, this level of infidelity is disturbing, teenage girls etc, wow, if anything you’re not overreacting enough! He could be reported to the guards for his behavior. Do yourself and your children a favour and Get away from him.

Calltocall · 25-08-2019 5:40pm

Calltocall wrote: »

OP you mention are you overreacting, no, no you’re really not, this level of infidelity is disturbing, teenage girls etc, wow, if anything you’re not overreacting enough! He could be reported to the guards for his behavior. Do yourself and your children a favour and Get away from him.

And actually scratch that, report him to the guards. Good luck

BDI · 25-08-2019 5:40pm

If he is messaging 15 year old girls he is a degenerate and has gone too far. You can bury your head in the sand until he is on one of them paedo hunter videos on Facebook or dump him now.

Tikki Wang Wang · 25-08-2019 5:42pm

It sounds like he has a very high sex drive or is possibly a sex addict.

Phileas Frog · 25-08-2019 5:43pm

OP you need to get yourself to the local district family court in the morning for a protection order. Once that is in place you can go to the Gardai to have this individual removed from your life.

wiggle16 · 25-08-2019 7:32pm

Mod warning:

A number of off topic posts have been deleted. Phileas Frog infracted for abusive language.

Personal abuse isn't tolerated in PI. Politely telling the OP that their post is difficult to read is fine, once it's done politely and constructively. If you have a problem with a post, report it.

Note:

Threads merged

ILoveYourVibes · 25-08-2019 10:40pm

Get his phone and all the evidence online. Get the links etc screen shots.

Take it all to the guards.

Take his stuff and dumb it round to one of his mates or parents. While you are there show his phone to them.

In fact show it to everyone. All his friends and his place of work. Better than a prison sentence and more effective.

If you know any of these 15 yr olds or can contact their parents do so. Let them know.

Calltocall · 25-08-2019 10:47pm

Tikki Wang Wang wrote: »

It sounds like he has a very high sex drive or is possibly a sex addict.

It sounds like he’s more than a sex addict judging by the age of the girls he’s contacted.

ILoveYourVibes · 25-08-2019 11:04pm

Calltocall wrote: »

It sounds like he’s more than a sex addict judging by the age of the girls he’s contacted.

Sex addiction is not actually a recognized disorder. I mean its not in the DSM-V manual.

Sociopathy is however and part of that is not being able to judge risk properly and taking part in risky sexual behavouir .

wiggle16 · 25-08-2019 11:09pm

Mod note:

Vibes, please stay on topic. Whether or not sex addiction is in the DSM, splitting hairs doesn't help the OP.

ILoveYourVibes · 25-08-2019 11:16pm

OP what i actually mean to say is that your boyfriend is actually evil and dangerous at his core.

Way more than you think or you wouldn't have to post here.
I actually don't understand why you are posting here and just not calling the guards.

Think about it. A guy who swings etc is contacting 15 yr olds.

He isn't normal in the head.

Emme · 27-08-2019 2:25pm

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

OP what i actually mean to say is that your boyfriend is actually evil and dangerous at his core.

Way more than you think or you wouldn't have to post here.
I actually don't understand why you are posting here and just not calling the guards.

Think about it. A guy who swings etc is contacting 15 yr olds.

He isn't normal in the head.

I agree 100%. Get evidence, dump him, take your children with you and go to the cops with the evidence.

Monife · 02-09-2019 3:44pm

OP, been through a similar experience minus the paedophilia.

You need to remove this man from your (and your children's) lives immediately. Kick him out, change the locks, block him on all social media and your phone.

Echo the advice about contacting the guards and getting a protection order also. The fact that he has pulled the wool over your eyes for so long screams narcissist. Look up that term and I am sure you will see a lot of common behaviours. They are master manipulators so you can't believe a word he says, especially if he appears to be remorseful and sorry, it's all just lip service.

I would also recommend getting yourself into counselling asap. There are a lot of free or low cost ones if you don't mind waiting a bit. I got immediate counselling with Accord where it was €40 for an hour, just two sessions to help me make my decision to leave him at the time. Then I went on a waiting list with a voluntary organisation and got an appointment in 5 or 6 weeks, those weekly sessions were €20.

I know you feel like your world is ending, that there is no way out, that it would be easier to forget everything and stay with him. But, the paedophilia behaviour aside (as that alone should make you leave him immediately), the other behaviour will never change in this type of person. Your mental health will suffer to the point of a nervous breakdown. Suffer the heartbreak now and in a few months time you will wonder how you ever put up with it, you'll be a new person.

Would also really recommend reading "Leave a cheater, Gain a life" by Chump Lady, it was a game changer for me.

Best of luck.

Neyite · 02-09-2019 3:55pm

So he's contacting underage girls a couple of years older than your daughter? Have a good think about that.

If he gets caught by someone else, you put your own children at risk of being taken off you if it transpires to social services that you had prior knowledge of him having inappropriate contact with minors.

You know what you need to do. You know there is no way back from all of this, and you know that you need to do the right thing by those children. Think about your daughter in a couple of years - wouldn't YOU want the woman who found out about a man messaging her to blow the whistle on him before she came to harm?

Be brave, start with the Gardai and let them take it from there. Surround yourself with supportive friends and family and cut him out of your life.

Darc19 · 02-09-2019 10:52pm

First thing - keep calm (harder said than done)

Second thing - confide in someone you trust but is not overly close to you (thus can give "independent" advice.)

Easier said than done to kick someone out of the house and it would lead to them deleting a lot of stuff. So element of surprise is best.

I would be concerned that in the future he'd be eyeing up friends of your daughter (aka Tom Humphries) and that can be horrifying for both you and your daughter.

Gardai do have specialists in this area, possibly go to a large station outside your area.

In a way, if you believe he is contacting under age girls, you have an obligation to report it.

Purple Mountain · 03-09-2019 12:28am

Neyite wrote: »

So he's contacting underage girls a couple of years older than your daughter? Have a good think about that.

If he gets caught by someone else, you put your own children at risk of being taken off you if it transpires to social services that you had prior knowledge of him having inappropriate contact with minors.

You know what you need to do. You know there is no way back from all of this, and you know that you need to do the right thing by those children. Think about your daughter in a couple of years - wouldn't YOU want the woman who found out about a man messaging her to blow the whistle on him before she came to harm?

Be brave, start with the Gardai and let them take it from there. Surround yourself with supportive friends and family and cut him out of your life.

Excellent advice here.

ashes2014 · 27-09-2019 2:57pm

OP, you have found yourself in a heartbreaking terrible situation...

You need support to break up with him, you need a family member or good friend to confide, advise and help you.

You also should realise that you have a moral obligation to report this man to the police. You are not responsible for his behaviour, but you are aware of it now.

First confide and ask for help off someone you know and trust. Then break up with him. Then report him to the police.

Ps. You do know that he should never ever be allowed near your children again.

Help cheating boyfriend....seriously bad!!!!

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