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Boyfriend took cocaine... not sure what to do

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  • 30-09-2018 11:42pm
    #1
    sarahf2k16
    Registered Users Posts: 72 ✭✭


    Hi there, hoping for some advice.

    I've been seeing someone for the past 5-6 months. Prior to us dating, my BF had a problem with cocaine (daily/weekly). He stopped after being arrested for possession 5 months ago and has been off it since. He got his court summons on Friday and ended up going out and taking cocaine that night. I didn't go out and would have no idea he had taken it except he told me and was very upset/angry he did it after all this time.

    I'm not sure how to approach the situation, I want to be supportive and help but do not want to condone this behaviour as he will learn nothing from the experience if he does not realise the consequences. I have told him I'm not mad, just worried and need a few days to think with no contact. He is really upset that he has worried and so he should be.

    I want to support him but also want him to understand there is consequecnes for his actions.

    I suggested he go to a NA meeting but doubt he will try it. I am sober over 2 years and do attend AA meetings from time to time. Given this, I can understand how difficult it is to abstain from addiction and it is the first time he has tried to stop.

    It is just hard to know how I can help him. Wondering if anyone has any advice from past experiences.

    Thanks,
    Sarah.


Comments

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    #2
    Jimmy.
    Site Banned Posts: 386 ✭✭Jimmy.


    Walk away Sarah, he is a no hoper.


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    #3
    sarahf2k16
    Registered Users Posts: 72 ✭✭sarahf2k16


    Jimmy. wrote: »
    Walk away Sarah, he is a no hoper.

    I know if I had a drink he would give me a second chance and help me to get back on track so that feel's a little abrupt decision to make. If he had lied or did it again then it would be easy to walk away.

    I've spoken to two friends (neither take drugs) who know him and they think I'm over-reacting as it is because they know what a genuine, lovely person he is and said he's just made a mistake and we are 26. I'm just unsure how to help him.


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    #4
    lucast2007us
    Registered Users Posts: 801 ✭✭✭lucast2007us


    He has to want to help himself at the end of the day.


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    #5
    rosmoke
    Registered Users Posts: 416 ✭✭rosmoke


    What kind of genuine, lovely person takes cocaine?
    Sorry, it's just hard to understand. This is not weed, we're talking about a different kind of drug here!
    If I was you, I'd slap the sh** out of him and wake him up. Seriously!


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    #6
    12gauge dave
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,072 ✭✭✭12gauge dave


    rosmoke wrote: »
    What kind of genuine, lovely person takes cocaine?
    Sorry, it's just hard to understand. This is not weed, we're talking about a different kind of drug here!
    If I was you, I'd slap the sh** out of him and wake him up. Seriously!

    You need a few lines to unwind i think.


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    #7
    sarahf2k16
    Registered Users Posts: 72 ✭✭sarahf2k16


    12gauge dave wrote: »
    You need a few lines to unwind i think.

    Hahaha thank you for making me smile 12gauage!

    But yes my BF must be a disguine, horrible person as only bad people can struggle with addiction...


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    #8
    rosmoke
    Registered Users Posts: 416 ✭✭rosmoke


    12gauge dave wrote: »
    You need a few lines to unwind i think.

    I can only hope you don't give the same advice to your kids.


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    #9
    Effects
    Registered Users Posts: 9,761 ✭✭✭Effects


    rosmoke wrote: »
    What kind of genuine, lovely person takes cocaine?

    Lots of lovely, genuine people take drugs. Drugs don't automatically make you a bad person.


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    #10
    rosmoke
    Registered Users Posts: 416 ✭✭rosmoke


    Effects wrote: »
    Lots of lovely, genuine people take drugs. Drugs don't automatically make you a bad person.

    I give up.


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    #11
    evolving tipperary
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,550 ✭✭✭evolving tipperary


    Sarah,

    You've got some serious questions to ask yourself. I think it will take more than a few days.

    You need to listen to yourself and what you want. So, you're doing the right thing. I'd say take longer. A few days is not a serious amount of time or suggestion to your bf that this is serious.

    A person who takes cocaine before a court case to be punished for same said drug... - that's someone who is playing with prison time. Prison, Sarah. This is Class A drugs. A recorded crime on record.

    Maybe the crucial question is... - Why do you need/want such a bf? Was this part of addictive thinking? Have you really separated yourself from the world of addiction? Do you like being in the position of being the superior one? (I know that's harsh, but it's a real question to face up to - not saying it's true) - The person who has moved away from addiction has power over someone who hasn't? (I know you're saying it is a rare occurrence for him but addiction and self sabotage take many forms). That's a reality to the relationship now. You want him to get there too...to be sober? - but, that's not something you can make happen. Or, maybe subconsciously you want someone around who can drag you back into that world? Can you say you've left the world of addiction/drugs behind you with someone like that in your life?


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    #12
    Rubberchikken
    Registered Users Posts: 5,083 ✭✭✭Rubberchikken


    Maybe taking drugs doesnt make a person 'bad'. I agree anyone can have an addiction to almost anything, but at the end of the day each person has free will and can choose whether to go down the path of drug taking/whatever.

    Op i realise you care about this guy, but do you want to be dealing with his issue everytime something bad happens to him and he thinks the solution is to do cocaine?

    And addicts can be nice as hell and can promise tje world...


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    #13
    Effects
    Registered Users Posts: 9,761 ✭✭✭Effects


    rosmoke wrote: »
    I give up.

    Don't give up. You shouldn't judge people with such a black and white system.


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    #14
    Joe Don Dante
    Registered Users Posts: 678 ✭✭✭Joe Don Dante


    rosmoke wrote: »
    I give up.

    that's what her boyfriend is trying to do


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    #15
    sarahf2k16
    Registered Users Posts: 72 ✭✭sarahf2k16


    evolving tipperary wrote: »
    Sarah,

    You've got some serious questions to ask yourself. I think it will take more than a few days.

    You need to listen to yourself and what you want. So, you're doing the right thing. I'd say take longer. A few days is not a serious amount of time or suggestion to your bf that this is serious.

    A person who takes cocaine before a court case to be punished for same said drug... - that's someone who is playing with prison time. Prison, Sarah. This is Class A drugs. A recorded crime on record.

    Maybe the crucial question is... - Why do you need/want such a bf? Was this part of addictive thinking? Have you really separated yourself from the world of addiction? Do you like being in the position of being the superior one? (I know that's harsh, but it's a real question to face up to - not saying it's true) - The person who has moved away from addiction has power over someone who hasn't? (I know you're saying it is a rare occurrence for him but addiction and self sabotage take many forms). That's a reality to the relationship now. You want him to get there too...to be sober? - but, that's not something you can make happen. Or, maybe subconsciously you want someone around who can drag you back into that world? Can you say you've left the world of addiction/drugs behind you with someone like that in your life?


    Thanks for your reply. His court case is in 2 months. I am shocked he would do it the same day he got the court summons of all the days. My friend has worked in the drugs squad for 8 years and said a first offence it will likely be probation and a big fine given details of case. I am under no illusion that it is a big deal, which is why I have asked for space to sort my head out. I think you're right about needing more than a few days.

    In regards to your questions, I don't need a BF. I was single for 3 years and I am someone who does not commit easily - my friends and family are still surprised I am in a relationship! I wasn't looking for a relationship, it was one of those when you least expect it situations as I was worried about getting serious with someone when I'm only two years sober myself! I feel lucky to have met someone so caring and lovely so I certainly don't feel superior and if anything, I feel as if I am at fault for being naive that his issue with cocaine was in the past entirely. Of course, I am now really concerned about what to do.

    All of my social circle drink and/or take drugs so if did want to go back to that world then I could easily do so, especially given that most of my friends didn't think I needed to give up drink (I did, I was broken). People don't seem to mind me not drinking now because I am happier without it and don't feel like I'm missing out like I use to. I'm use to people drinking around me, and he fully respects and admires that I don't drink. I hope my reply isn't coming across too defensive as I fully respect you were only asking to help me as oppose to offend :)


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    #16
    sarahf2k16
    Registered Users Posts: 72 ✭✭sarahf2k16


    Rubberchikken wrote: »
    Maybe taking drugs doesnt make a person 'bad'. I agree anyone can have an addiction to almost anything, but at the end of the day each person has free will and can choose whether to go down the path of drug taking/whatever.

    Op i realise you care about this guy, but do you want to be dealing with his issue everytime something bad happens to him and he thinks the solution is to do cocaine?

    And addicts can be nice as hell and can promise tje world...

    I'd like to give him a second chance but I'm afraid to for that exact reason so I do need time to think. I know he would support me if it was the other way around but I also don't want to be in this situation in another few months so it's hard.

    I know how nice addicts can be and I am very weary of that as I know I could be quite manipulative when I was a drinker and downplay the severity of my problem, which is why my last relationship ended.


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    #17
    sabat
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 2,896 ✭✭✭sabat


    If he's heading out drinking with people doing coke it's almost inevitable that he'll end up doing it himself-once you've done it a few times it has a permanent presence in the back of your head that makes you say "yeah f*ck it" once your inhibitions have dropped from a few drinks. How old is he?


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    #18
    sarahf2k16
    Registered Users Posts: 72 ✭✭sarahf2k16


    sabat wrote: »
    If he's heading out drinking with people doing coke it's almost inevitable that he'll end up doing it himself-once you've done it a few times it has a permanent presence in the back of your head that makes you say "yeah f*ck it" once your inhibitions have dropped from a few drinks. How old is he?

    Ya I can imagine that, so glad I never tried it as I had enough trouble with the drink. He's 26. His friends know he was off it months now and he's turned down any other time it was offered. I've suggested Na or counselling or something to help him with triggers. He's really upset and angry at himself and thought he was doing so well, I'm sad for him and mad at the same time.


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    #19
    refusetolose
    Registered Users Posts: 2,559 ✭✭✭refusetolose


    he'll have to get away from those 'friends'


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