Sexuality advice!!!

LegacyUser · 02-02-2003 2:59pm #1

I am a 21 year old male with an embarrassing situation. I'm not sure how to begin, so please forgive me if I leave out some small details. I am a 3rd year college student, and have many friends
(both male and female), I receive good academic results and also enjoy a good social life. People would see me as outgoing, and certainly not sigh.

Some weeks back I was at a house party in a friends house, had alot to drink so was told to sleep on the sofa when everyone had left. Another classmate also did the same. To put a long story short, during the night when I was almost sure that my classmate was asleep I began to satisfy my urge, and started to masturbate, feeling that it was safe to do so without being caught.

However, while doing so my friend awake and caught me. I was shocked, but he told me not to worry he did it also. He then joined me and before I knew it we were touching and kissing each other. It felt good at the time, but I am feeling extremely guilty since that night. I feel confused about mysexuality, am I gay? I have had a few brief relationships with girls (one of which I had intercourse with). Maybe I am bisexual, or is this simply
something I should put behind me? Should I just put it down to being drunk? My friend has never spoken to me about it since, perhaps he too feels guilty and ashamed, and I am too embarrassed to bring it up.

What do ye think? Am a gay or not? I don't know how my family and friends would take it if I did tell tell I was gay. Any advice appreciated.

Gordon · 02-02-2003 3:17pm

You are bisexual, no big deal, best of both worlds etc etc.

I'll transfer this to a more appropriate forum.

Typedef · 02-02-2003 3:42pm

I'm not seeing the big woop.

If you enjoy being with somebody then you should be with that person... it's difficult enough to find 'anybody' you want to be with, without getting bogged down in the semantics of a great enthralling 'what is my sexuality debate'.

You might be bisexual, homosexual or heterosexual and chalk your night on the couch up to 'experimentation', but at the end of the day man I wouldn't spend lots of time worrying about cultural taboos. Taboos exist, to control people and keep the elite of society ... well..... elite.

Make yourself happy, that is what is important I think. You needn't treat someone like a doormat to do that either.

'Someone'.... being you... or another person in *sexual relationship.

whatever.

yellum · 02-02-2003 3:45pm

Some questions:

Well, do you find girls attractive ? Do you like getting intimate with them ? Do you still want to go out with girls ?

Do you find guys attractive ? Did you enjoy what you did with that guy the other night ? Would you want to do it again ?

Drink can get us to do strange things but it can also free our inhibitions and do and try things we'd normally be worried about doing while sober.

I don't think this board can rightly tell you are you bisexual or gay or straight. Thats what you have to decide.

I wouldn't be worried about family or friends or anything like that. If you don't want them to know then don't tell them. Its not like you have to come out and tell the world cos you just kissed a guy. And stop feeling guilty, sheesh you did nothing wrong.

BuffyBot · 02-02-2003 3:52pm

Originally posted by Nameless
Some weeks back I was at a house party in a friends house, had alot to drink so was told to sleep on the sofa when everyone had left. Another classmate also did the same. To put a long story short, during the night when I was almost sure that my classmate was asleep I began to satisfy my urge, and started to masturbate, feeling that it was safe to do so without being caught.

However, while doing so my friend awake and caught me. I was shocked, but he told me not to worry he did it also. He then joined me and before I knew it we were touching and kissing each other. It felt good at the time, but I am feeling extremely guilty since that night.

I wouldn't even say that makes you bisexual. It makes you a person who had sexual contact with another man. After a party. After drinking.

It happens a whole lot more than you would think. I would only begin to consider the fact that you may be bisexual/gay if you begin to find your self attracted to and wanting sexual contact with other men, in other situations. Then, you may wish to think further about what has happened and whether you may be bi/gay.

For now, I'd write it off as an incident.

Shinji · 02-02-2003 6:58pm

*shrug* You had a sexual experience with another bloke. By the sounds of it you enjoyed it. What's the problem?

You don't have to pigeonhole yourself into a nice convenient category - "gay", "straight", "bi". You are what you are. If you find that you enjoy a sexual experience with a guy, it's nothing worth freaking out over. You don't need to go and telegraph it to the world. Your sexuality is a personal thing and it's not necessarily the same as anyone elses in the world.

Be attracted to whoever you're attracted to. Fall in love with whoever you fall in love with. Go with whatever your instincts are in this respect; don't shut yourself off to good things for the sake of a comfortable categorisation. Sexuality is very, very rarely as simple a thing as "gay" or "straight"

De Rebel · 03-02-2003 2:14am

What do you fantasise about? That’s usually a good indication.

yellum · 03-02-2003 12:04pm

By the way nameless, you can post unregged to this thread if you want to reply without signing in with your username.

Samba · 03-02-2003 5:15pm

Ever watched Y Tu Mama Tambien?

Although it doesn't really answer the question, it half does.

Talliesin · 03-02-2003 5:28pm

LOL@Shinji below. He described my post perfectly. Mea Culpa.

It was meant to be reassuring if light-hearted, but it did indeed end up coming across as patronising. Hence I'm replacing it.

As for "just a phase". Well it kinda is. Except without the "just" bit, because "just" belittles the experience.

Seriously, you'll grow into a better understanding of just what way you are sexually orientated, and as such this is a "phase".

But it's no more a phase than everyone is in a "phase" at every point in their life; if you are behaving and thinking the same way no as 10 years ago check your pulse, you may already be dead.

The only advice I can give is try not to worry, but in doing so I know it's easier to say that from my position than it is to do so from yours.

Whatever your sexual orientation may be it takes time to integrate experiences such as the one you have had. Some people just feel messed up in the head for a couple of weeks, and then they're grand, so go into denial, some find themselves needing proper counselling of a type that could never be provided through a board like this. You're probably going to know which of these applies to you pretty soon.

Shinji · 03-02-2003 6:01pm

Do you reckon you could be a bit more patronising please Talliesin? I don't reckon you're being quite patronising enough - maybe you could throw in a few references to it being "just a phase" and some rolleyes smileys while you're at it?

Talliesin · 03-02-2003 7:46pm

Oh, I just noticed that you said you were in college. Going to your LGB society might not be a bad idea. It may give you a place to work out how you feel in a non-sexualised context. Then again it may just be full of people trying to think of ways to get drunk cheaply (as with so much of third-level education) YMMV.

LegacyUser · 04-02-2003 9:06pm

Originally posted by yellum
Some questions:

Well, do you find girls attractive ? Do you like getting intimate with them ? Do you still want to go out with girls ?

Do you find guys attractive ? Did you enjoy what you did with that guy the other night ? Would you want to do it again ?

Drink can get us to do strange things but it can also free our inhibitions and do and try things we'd normally be worried about doing while sober.

I don't think this board can rightly tell you are you bisexual or gay or straight. Thats what you have to decide.

I wouldn't be worried about family or friends or anything like that. If you don't want them to know then don't tell them. Its not like you have to come out and tell the world cos you just kissed a guy. And stop feeling guilty, sheesh you did nothing wrong.

Original poster here again, thanks for all your replies.

To answer the above question, yes I still find girls attractive, if you read the post correctly you would see that I have slept with a girl. And yes I still want to go out with girls.

No I usually don't fantasise or even find guys attractive. But I on this ocassion I was drunk, needs sexual gratification, so started to masturbate, this was when my pal joined me by masturbating himself, he also gave me a blow-job, touched me, kissed me, etc.

For this reason I was worried about my sexuality. This is something I think I wouldn't have done if I was sober. maybe it was just a meaningless experience. To me its something I'd rather forget.

yellum · 04-02-2003 10:18pm

Originally posted by Nameless
This is something I think I wouldn't have done if I was sober. maybe it was just a meaningless experience. To me its something I'd rather forget.

Then do if its what you feel most comfortable with.

Talliesin · 05-02-2003 1:53pm

Agreed. It isn't uncommon for straight people to have gay experiences, and by the sound of it that is most likely what happened to you.

Victor · 06-02-2003 3:30pm

Maybe it was just a bit of drunken experimentation? I'm sure an awful lot more goes on in dorms.

Perhaps you are just curious.

As Chef says "there is a time and place for experimenting with sex and drugs and that place is called college".

sceptre · 09-02-2003 2:18am

Here's a little news flash though: your friend is probably gay (he initiated it after all)

LegacyUser · 25-02-2003 12:05pm

Hi original poster here once again.

Thanks for all your replies.

The other day while in the gents, my pla walked in. I started to get a little nervous as he walked over to me and stood beside me while urinating. he then looked at me and said "hey good looking". There was nobody else in the Toilet at the time, just him and me. It was kinda late, and the college was soon closing. We were in the gents in the far end of the building (near the sociology dept, which is hardly ever used).

Before I knew it we I was holding his hand as he dragged me into one of the cubicals. [edit] Stuff happened [/edit] ye can guess what happened).

he ended by saying this was our little secret and I'd nothing to worry about.

I'm so confused. I keep telling myself I don't want to do this sort of stuff but then I'm too scared to say stop. In fact I did enjoy it.

Please help. I don't know what to do if this situation arises again.

Mercury_Tilt · 25-02-2003 1:17pm

This post has been deleted.

yellum · 25-02-2003 3:10pm

If it happens again you can say yes or you can say no. You're in control. I was reading about something called situational homosexuality during the weekend. Something like what happens in prison when theres no other release for sexual gratification.

Am not making excuses for you but if you've never had sexual thoughts about a guy before or at present it might be this or it may be that you only realised now that guys turn you on, or just this one guy.

Shinji · 25-02-2003 11:38pm

Jesus, just deal with it. If you hated it so much I'm sure you wouldn't have been such a willing participant. If you enjoy it, what's the problem? Afraid you'll suddenly start admiring handbags in brown thomas and speaking with an affected lisp? :rolleyes:

Sexuality advice!!!

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