Advertisement
If you have a new account but are having problems posting or verifying your account, please email us on hello@boards.ie for help. Thanks :)
Hello all! Please ensure that you are posting a new thread or question in the appropriate forum. The Feedback forum is overwhelmed with questions that are having to be moved elsewhere. If you need help to verify your account contact hello@boards.ie
Hi all! We have been experiencing an issue on site where threads have been missing the latest postings. The platform host Vanilla are working on this issue. A workaround that has been used by some is to navigate back from 1 to 10+ pages to re-sync the thread and this will then show the latest posts. Thanks, Mike.
Hi there,
There is an issue with role permissions that is being worked on at the moment.
If you are having trouble with access or permissions on regional forums please post here to get access: https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058365403/you-do-not-have-permission-for-that#latest

The Off-Topic, insult, picture and everything else thread

1235714

Comments

  • Moderators, Category Moderators, Entertainment Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Regional East Moderators Posts: 18,506 CMod ✭✭✭✭The Black Oil




  • Registered Users Posts: 219 ✭✭daithip


    BEST COMEBACK RESPONSE OF THE YEAR

    If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility..

    Q: 'Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?
    A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'
    Q: 'Officer -- who provided this description?'
    A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'
    Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'
    A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.
    Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'
    A: 'Yes sir, we do!'
    Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'
    A: 'Yes sir, I do.'
    Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'
    A: 'Yes sir.'
    Q: 'Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'
    A: 'You see, sir - we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'

    The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,587 ✭✭✭gerire


    daithip wrote: »
    BEST COMEBACK RESPONSE OF THE YEAR

    If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility..

    Q: 'Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?
    A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'
    Q: 'Officer -- who provided this description?'
    A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'
    Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'
    A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.
    Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'
    A: 'Yes sir, we do!'
    Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'
    A: 'Yes sir, I do.'
    Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'
    A: 'Yes sir.'
    Q: 'Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'
    A: 'You see, sir - we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'

    The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called.

    Heard that one before; Good though; Heard one there recently myself, And be heard I mean in person heard;

    Alcholizer Garda up in the box giving his evidence, Barrister starts going the bringing in doubt of his ability route;

    B: SO Guard you have been trained on the Alcholizer?
    G: Yes Judge
    B: And could you tell me the workings of the inside of the Alcholizer?
    G: No Judge
    B: So Guard you are telling the court you are trained on how to get a reading out of the machine but do not know how it works?
    G: Correct Judge, Im also a trained driver and I couldn't answer any questions you may ask me on a car engine.

    Cue the judge, shoulders shaking, trying to contain a laugh and the rest of the court not being so successful in holding the laugh in

    T'was very entertaining


  • Registered Users Posts: 219 ✭✭daithip


    GetAttachment.aspx?tnail=0&messageId=ee489c23-2069-49a9-adcf-19da5b34c202&Aux=4|0|8CBAB9D3E5A3100|


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,818 ✭✭✭donvito99


    attachment.php?attachmentid=4172&stc=1&d=1231675852

    From Left, The Nog, Foriegn, Deadwood, Clada,...and NGA on his Traffic Corps motorbeelamobile.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,818 ✭✭✭donvito99


    attachment.php?attachmentid=4173&stc=1&d=1231675871

    Heehee


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,818 ✭✭✭donvito99


    Rest of the Gardai on this foru,. identify yourselves from the photo...

    81198.jpg


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,938 ✭✭✭deadwood


    donvito99 wrote: »
    attachment.php?attachmentid=4172&stc=1&d=1231675852
    How do you like the "Roadrunner" style trick tunnel we painted into the end of the building on the left to trick those pesky smugglers?:D


  • Posts: 0 [Deleted User]


    donvito99 wrote: »
    attachment.php?attachmentid=4172&stc=1&d=1231675852

    From Left, The Nog, Foriegn, Deadwood, Clada,...and NGA on his Traffic Corps motorbeelamobile.


    Looks like the last time my station was refurbished!


  • Advertisement
  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,160 ✭✭✭TheNog


    donvito99 wrote: »
    attachment.php?attachmentid=4172&stc=1&d=1231675852

    From Left, The Nog, Foriegn, Deadwood, Clada,...and NGA on his Traffic Corps motorbeelamobile.

    There is no way I'm as old as Foreign, Deadwood, Clada or NGA. They all gotta be well into their 70's by now!!! :p:D


  • Registered Users Posts: 219 ✭✭daithip





    Are these some of the new interviewing techniques being taught in Templemore??:p


  • Posts: 0 [Deleted User]


    TheNog wrote: »
    There is no way I'm as old as Foreign, Deadwood, Clada or NGA. They all gotta be well into their 70's by now!!! :p:D

    Ahem...see this post!


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 148 ✭✭Alpha Papa


    Thieves use digger to rob ATM

    Friday, 5 June 2009 20:05



    Thieves have used a mechanical digger to steal an ATM from a restaurant in Co Kildare.
    The raid took place early this morning at Mother Hubbards in Moyvalley.
    The raiders stole a digger from a nearby field and drove it at the building causing considerable damage.
    Advertisement

    It is not known how much cash was in the machine.

    http://www.rte.ie/news/2009/0605/moyvalley.html


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 805 ✭✭✭Irish_polizei




    Edit by psni: Moved to Off-Topic thread


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,818 ✭✭✭donvito99




    Edit by psni: Moved to Off-Topic thread

    Ha love the Guard in the shirt,

    ''Bridé, get the f*ck on''


  • Advertisement
  • Closed Accounts Posts: 805 ✭✭✭Irish_polizei


    donvito99 wrote: »
    Ha love the Guard in the shirt,

    ''Bridé, get the f*ck on''
    Love is a strong word ...ha....thought it was funny just...Bridie cop the **** on...


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,249 ✭✭✭DubMedic


    ''Bridget, get Cop the f*ck on '' ;)

    Come on lads, where's the stab vests, Bridé seems fairly dangerous :rolleyes: .


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 805 ✭✭✭Irish_polizei


    DubMedic wrote: »
    ''Bridget, get Cop the f*ck on '' ;)

    Come on lads, where's the stab vests, Bridé seems fairly dangerous :rolleyes: .
    who needs stab vests when we have dublin fire brigade lol


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,249 ✭✭✭DubMedic


    Unfortunately, DFB are subjected to the worst of our city most nights.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 805 ✭✭✭Irish_polizei


    DubMedic wrote: »
    Unfortunately, DFB are subjected to the worst of our city most nights.
    Dnt i know...ive seen it manys a time...


  • Advertisement
  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,249 ✭✭✭DubMedic


    Same here, I'm either helping people into ambulances or i'm assisting them as off-duty.
    The last straw has to be drawn however , when it turns out the person you're helping is a member of your family.


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,938 ✭✭✭deadwood


    Alpha Papa wrote: »
    The raid took place early this morning at Mother Hubbards in Moyvalley.

    Hopefully the cupboard was bare.


  • Registered Users Posts: 218 ✭✭pingu2008




  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,249 ✭✭✭DubMedic


    That picture is one of the best i've seen in a long time.


  • Registered Users Posts: 218 ✭✭pingu2008




  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,818 ✭✭✭donvito99


    pingu2008 wrote: »

    Whats up with this here white square?:rolleyes:


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 15,127 ✭✭✭✭kerry4sam


    donvito99 wrote: »
    Whats up with this here white square?:rolleyes:

    Considering this is "The Off-Topic, insult, picture and everything else thread", I think it might belong in the everything else section of the thread


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,783 ✭✭✭maglite


    police-brutality-277x400.jpg


  • Registered Users Posts: 218 ✭✭pingu2008


    GizmosFirstTicket.jpg


  • Registered Users Posts: 218 ✭✭pingu2008




  • Advertisement
  • Posts: 0 [Deleted User]


    pingu2008 wrote: »


    I think this is already in the vehicle thread. And it's not funny. And Opel are using it in an e-mail for the insignia.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 334 ✭✭brazilicious


    so can ya get in trouble for chattin up guards on duty???? like....if ya have me stopped at a checkpoint....?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,818 ✭✭✭donvito99


    so can ya get in trouble for chattin up guards on duty???? like....if ya have me stopped at a checkpoint....?

    :confused:

    Depends what ya look like(:p)...I don't think the majority of members would appreciate it.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,706 ✭✭✭Celticfire














  • Registered Users Posts: 2,071 ✭✭✭Finnbar01


    A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy sex drive, so he thought he'd buy her a little something to keep her occupied while he was gone.

    He went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter.

    He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except---" and he stopped.

    "Except what?" the man asked.

    "Nothing, nothing."

    "C'mon, tell me! I need something!"

    "Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo Penis."

    "So what's up with this Voodoo Penis?" he asked.

    The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a very old wooden box, carved with strange symbols and erotic images. He opened it, and there lay an ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big damn deal.It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"

    The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."

    He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo Penis, the door."

    The Voodoo Penis miraculously rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with the vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form down the middle. Before the door split, the old man said "Voodoo Penis, return to box!" The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back to the box and lay there quiescent once more.

    "I'll take it!" said the businessman.

    The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but finally surrendered to €738 in cash and an imitation Rolex. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo Penis, my crotch."

    He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone. After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the Voodoo Penis.

    She undressed, opened the box and said "Voodoo Penis, my crotch!" The Voodoo Penis shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was absolutely incredible, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three mind-shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough.

    She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off. Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help.

    She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another incredible intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A Garda saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.

    Gasping and twitching, she explained, "I haven't had anything to drink, Garda. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me!"

    The Garda looked at her for a second, shook his head and in an sarcastic voice replied, "Yeah, right... Voodoo Penis, my ass!"

    The rest is history.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,626 ✭✭✭timmywex


    She's lying on the street vomiting. Her flushed face indicates a temperature change and she has no idea where she is or what she's doing here. Only three hours earlier, she was a fit, healthy and completely lucid human being. Now she is reduced to this. Her limbs are heavy and painful to move and her vision is so blurred she is almost blind. Her confused brain keeps saying the same things over and over again ('help me, help me') and her friends gather around her in deep shock as she deteriorates to unconsciousness. A 999 call will save her but only if it is made now and with 'chest pain' or 'DIB' thrown in. Yes, folks, she is suffering from the most deadly virus known to man and it's spreading to all cultures of society around the world - its WINE FLU and 'Hamiflu' is the only cure... possibly (that or sensible drinking).



    Taken from http://theparamedicsdiary.blogspot.com/2009/07/hamiflu-to-be-stockpiled-in-uk.html
    DIB=Dificulty in breathing


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,626 ✭✭✭timmywex


    Never thought such miraculous parking would end up in ireland


  • Registered Users Posts: 53 ✭✭keith101


    22 Things tovNever Say To A Cop:D



    1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

    2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

    3. Aren't you that guy from the Village People?

    4. Hey, you must have been doin' at least 120 mph to keep up with me...Good job!

    5. Excuse me...is stick up hyphenated?

    6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a cop.

    7. I almost decided to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

    8. Bad cop! No donut!

    9. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

    10. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.

    11. Didn't I see you get your ass kicked on COPS?

    12. Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's nightstand.

    13. Is it true that people become cops because they're too dumb to work at McDonald's?

    14. I pay your salary!

    15. So, uh, you on the take, or what?

    16. Gee, Officer...that's terrific...the last officer only gave me a warning too!

    17. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

    18. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around-that's how far ahead of me they are.

    19. What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" You're the trained specialist.

    20. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

    21. Hey, is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 Magnum.

    22. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?viewcount.php?type=joke&id=958&s=


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 923 ✭✭✭djtechnics1210


    This must be the most cringe worthy song ever..........:D
    Biggest insult ever to a garda car




    Think that garda in the video is nice guy always or possibly deadwood :D


  • Advertisement
  • Registered Users Posts: 218 ✭✭pingu2008




  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,818 ✭✭✭donvito99


    Just saw a very funny ad with Gardaí in it today...very, very funny, can't remember what its for though...


  • Posts: 0 [Deleted User]


    donvito99 wrote: »
    Just saw a very funny ad with Gardaí in it today...very, very funny, can't remember what its for though...

    Cadbury's shnack bars. Someone find a link please!


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 249 ✭✭BravoMike


    Its a bad copy but hey it will do



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,957 ✭✭✭Hooch


    Thats good!!


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 9 Britt Reid


    now that's what i call a traffic stop !!



  • Advertisement
  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 991 ✭✭✭Leo Demidov


    I hope nobody here gets any bright ideas.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,818 ✭✭✭donvito99


    BravoMike wrote: »
    Its a bad copy but hey it will do


    Thats the one, quality.

    Anyone gotta linky to that Kit Kat one from years back.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,957 ✭✭✭Hooch


    Britt Reid wrote: »
    now that's what i call a traffic stop !!


    My first thought before seeing it was.....we do that all the time:D.......but holy Sh1t!!!! They pulled out in from of him:eek::eek:

    And no spinal board......just cuff him and lift him by his shoulders!! Gift


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,818 ✭✭✭donvito99


    Oh those spaniards, what will they do next! There almost as bad as the yanks!



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 15,127 ✭✭✭✭kerry4sam


    pingu2008 wrote: »
    BravoMike wrote: »

    Just the giggles the doctor prescribed for a sick-day :pac:


  • Advertisement
Advertisement