At a loss

LegacyUser · 21-02-2020 11:23pm #1

Hi,

I just went through my phonebook and have no one I can actually ring. Various reasons, haven't seen people in years or not really friends. I'm on Tinder etc but I get nowhere, I try, I get matches, but women just act the fool on there. They don't reply or reply once or twice and that's it. I made a mess of a few chats on it.

Not a fan of going out. I wouldn't go up to someone, I know, what's the worse that can happen and no one approaches me so that's that.

I work full time, hate my job, Not a good job. I don't have college degree, so id be just leaving for another sh1t minimum wage. I've been thinking about college for years, I'm 35 now. I probably never will go.

I was in a long term relationship, of near 4 years, that ended about 2 years ago, it went to sh1t, she was getting close to someone, said she wasn't, I walked away, I didn't end it, I needed abit of space but she made very little effort...i said to myself she doesn't care and she ended up with the other guy. So, I didn't get a closure and it's just not me to do wrong by anyone, which walking away became in my head. A regret. And it has tormented me ever since. Theirs been no one else since her. I wrote after a year but she had no interest in writing, I actually wrote again a couple of days ago asking if we could be civil, we exchanged a few emails but she hasn't replied in over a day now. It's fine.

I messaged a girl for a chat yesterday, very surprised she wasn't on for it. So I'll just stop talking to her over time. Answer if she asks me sumthin.

Picked up a health problem a year ago that stopped me doing what I loved physically, aaaargh. Cost me thousands aswell. But their might be light at the end of this tunnel.

I'm getting very pissed off now, I had to tell my father some of this^^, I was going to explode but I don't want him worried, but I had no one else. So I let slip very little.

I don't care anymore, I don't care that I don't care.

Dunno why I'm writing here. I'm not gonna ring some helpline or nothing like that. I'm nowhere near meetups.com.

Thanks for reading... feedback.

Upforthematch · 22-02-2020 11:53am

Hey man, it sounds like there is *a lot* going on and you're about to burst

You come across in your post as a very solution focussed sort of person. Those are heavy things going on and they wont be solved overnight, but keep up the strength needed so that they will be solved.

You're already looking to talk, that's so important, you dont need to be incredible hulk bearing all this weight on your own and look at the options you're considering

- phone contacts
- ex girlfriend
- father
- helpline
- boards

Id recommend dropping the ex girlfriend option, whether you did or didnt get closure, shes an ex for a reason!!

Id look at your contacts again, a little bit slower this time. If you had to pick one who would it be?

Id suggest being fully open with your father too, I think parents know when we hold stuff back.

Whoever you talk to, do talk!! Not the time to hold back. Own this sh1t time and, even if you dont have all the answers just this second, claim the benefit of hearing yourself saying it all out loud.

Final thought, be open to some changes... e.g. how do you know that changing job will be equally bad as the one you're in now?

hadepsx · 22-02-2020 12:03pm

Hi, I was in the same situation as you a few years ago. Going nowhere, having bouts of depression, with not many friends, stuck in a dead end job. I now have more friends and the employment situation is much better. My solution was to go back to college. I was 34 then, I now have a college degree. While in the process of completing the degree I made friends with some of the student population, and I also made friends through the college internship that was part of the course. I am now 37 and things are looking up. You are never to old to return to education. Try to keep positive, change your life course and things will change for you. All the best.

LegacyUser · 22-02-2020 7:18pm

Upforthematch wrote: »

Hey man, it sounds like there is *a lot* going on and you're about to burst

You come across in your post as a very solution focussed sort of person. Those are heavy things going on and they wont be solved overnight, but keep up the strength needed so that they will be solved.

You're already looking to talk, that's so important, you dont need to be incredible hulk bearing all this weight on your own and look at the options you're considering

- phone contacts
- ex girlfriend
- father
- helpline
- boards

Id recommend dropping the ex girlfriend option, whether you did or didnt get closure, shes an ex for a reason!!

Id look at your contacts again, a little bit slower this time. If you had to pick one who would it be?

Id suggest being fully open with your father too, I think parents know when we hold stuff back.

Whoever you talk to, do talk!! Not the time to hold back. Own this sh1t time and, even if you dont have all the answers just this second, claim the benefit of hearing yourself saying it all out loud.

Final thought, be open to some changes... e.g. how do you know that changing job will be equally bad as the one you're in now?

I made things worse

The girl I messaged asking for a chat wrote to see did I want to do a parkrun. My injury stopped me doing these, plus the run was already over so instead of a natural wind down I told her I didn't want to communicate/interact with her anymore, no point, unless she was stuck or in bother, wished her all the best.

She said fine, keep living your miserable Life.
I kinda of sabotaged myself there but ah well...

I went backwards through phone contacts but stopped, if I had to pick one it was actually her, who is gonna want to hear this, it's gonna be blindingly obvious where my head is......, no one wants to know. People say the opposite but...if I drop the veil, they'd run a mile.

I can't tell the folks, if they weren't around, I wouldn't be either, I can't do that to them, though Id be gone and wouldn't have to see it...can't do it.

Theirs other very specific stuff happening....

I've been off for a 4 days... spent 3 of them in bed.

Back to work tomorrow and all I wanna do is disappear.

LegacyUser · 22-02-2020 7:28pm

hadepsx wrote: »

Hi, I was in the same situation as you a few years ago. Going nowhere, having bouts of depression, with not many friends, stuck in a dead end job. I now have more friends and the employment situation is much better. My solution was to go back to college. I was 34 then, I now have a college degree. While in the process of completing the degree I made friends with some of the student population, and I also made friends through the college internship that was part of the course. I am now 37 and things are looking up. You are never to old to return to education. Try to keep positive, change your life course and things will change for you. All the best.

I need to do this but dunno where to start.

Stuck in the proverbial rut.

Give up.

Airyfairy12 · 23-02-2020 2:56am

I went to college twice, both times there were people of all ages on the course from 18 to 65. Age shouldnt stop you, it is never too late and youre still young. The time will pass regardless, you could be 38/39 with a degree or that age and still without one. Your choice.
Dont take tinder personally. Most people flick on and off tinder when theyre bored, interact with a few people, get bored or distracted or busy with something else and then they stop replying. Its not personal.

Sounds like your ex is trying to move on with her life, maybe you should try and do the same? Make a list of all the things youd like to achieve within the next 5 years and make it happen.

Honeydew3456 · 23-02-2020 9:40pm

Gavun wrote: »

Theirs other very specific stuff happening....

I've been off for a 4 days... spent 3 of them in bed.

Back to work tomorrow and all I wanna do is disappear.

You sound severely depressed OP. A friend of mine spent a year exhausting herself from trying to cope with depression alone. Same as you, she was completely at a loss. Thankfully she went to the doctor and got the help she needed. A year on from that now and she has a new zest for life!

Maybe as a first step a doctors visit might be best. Thereafter all the other aspects can be addressed one by one when you feel ready. I know it doesn't help to say this now.. but it is true...you DO have the ability to turn all this around.

Very best of luck!

JustAThought · 25-02-2020 12:49am

I’m sorry things are so dark but things will get better. A few new friends or different social scene might give you s break and a but if a boost.There are lots of courses and social things or volunteering you could get involved in that might give you bit of a boost and break the cycle and boredom. Look at nightcourses.com & maybe try something over the spring term just for the company and difference - its organised by location so even if you try something s bit whacky it might give you a lift , and they arn’t too expensive. Don’t be too hard on yourself -we all gave regrets but your ex was possibly already over. Play some upbeat music even if you can’t dance to it and maybe with your injury you could go walking or join a swimming club - exercise outdoors is one of the consistant mood improvers -us there a cycle club you might join either?

As for retraining have a think about it - its never too late!

At a loss

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