Broke up with my wife. (amicable)

LegacyUser · 23-02-2020 6:05am #1

Its been a long time coming.

Our marriage just has not worked. We've tried, we've tried so hard. I love her, but we are so different that its hard to find even ground.

There been plenty of amazing experiences. But also plenty of really frustrating times for us both. I feel some what relieved, This week I've been feeling like it was over I think she has to we've been avoiding each other at night. In fact during the week we I had a vision of us sitting in a pub as friends having a pint as friends. we both see that in our future.

We where once again about to start to have an argument and she said this isn't working is it? I agreed.

But tonight we sat and talked about it, and it hasn't been working. We laughed we joked we smiled we kissed we hugged and we cried. We set out a plan on how we are going to go forward in our own directions. We're not doing it immediately I've no where to go and she does love me and doesn't want me in ****ty position. ( so preserved business as usual )

I feel surprisingly ok about it like some ones released a pressure valve. But I feel loss, remorse and disappointment that our marriage hasn't worked. I love my wife, but there so many sides of each of us that are so annoying to each other.

I'm going to a therapist for a few sessions, I think that will help.

has any one got any tips at the moment to help get you through the ups and downs of breaking up?

Thank you for reading.

Honeydew3456 · 23-02-2020 10:17pm

Clear thinking. wrote: »

has any one got any tips at the moment to help get you through the ups and downs of breaking up?

Thank you for reading.

Hi Op, it's sad isn't it when something that was once so great can come to an end. We always start off thinking it's forever. However, it's lovely to hear you both still care for eachother and are compassionate towards eachother.

My advise is, be kind to yourself and your ex wife. It will take a long time to find yourself and be completely independent so keep busy, use this time to maybe rediscover your passion in life.

You are in a major transition right now. Therapy is a fantastic thing to do as a first step.

Be aware you will have sad days, confusing days, days where you are full of drive to move forward, days where you are excited for your future and days where you feel you have taken one step forward and two steps back. Acknowledge and recognise them for what they are in that moment.

Finally, time goes by fast (thankfully) and before you know it you will have emerged as a brand new, strong man and as long as you both want it,
Your ex wife can remain a good friend. You had good times together which you both appreciate and respect, that's really great!

Caranica · 23-02-2020 11:06pm

I went through the same thing, and we lived together for a further 18 months. We are friends now and keep in touch from time to time even though we now live very far apart.

Be kind to yourself, don't beat yourself up with "what if" or "why". While you live together it's not ideal to begin any new relationship, it's a respect thing. Living together after a break up doesn't have to be difficult and if it's amicable it's a way of easing out of the relationship.

I found that keeping a diary/private blog helped me make sense of things. It also stopped me from going back when I may have wondered if we were doing the right thing because I saw how unhappy I'd been at the end. Being honest with myself was the hardest but most important thing.

I'm years out now and so much happier. I hope it works out for you too.

Elessar · 24-02-2020 12:35am

Hi OP,

I don't normally reply to posts here but I wanted to say a few things as I went through something very similar recently.

Be kind to yourself. Having a regular therapist is a fantastic idea (I did the same and she was a lifesaver).

Just be aware that likely the first few weeks you will feel ok, a bit sad but probably more relieved. But in a while (for me, a few weeks) it will likely hit you like a tonne of bricks. If you're living apart by then, you'll start to miss her. And if you're anything like me, you might start thinking you've made a mistake and want to try again. I won't tell you what to do, just be prepared. You married this woman and obviously love her, so don't expect the process to be easy even though its amicable. At some point, it's going to hit you hard.

For me I wasn't married to my ex but we were living together and towards end we were both unhappy. We loved each other but were just so different. I officially called it off, but really, it was a mutual decision. She accepted it and knew it was the right thing. It was amicable and compassionate and still loving for both of us. We moved out almost immediately and as mentioned I felt relieved for a few weeks before it caught up with me the gravity of what just happened. I wanted her back - badly. She couldn't go back though. We took some time apart for a while. To cut a long story short, we were in contact by text and a few meet-ups over the next few months and eventually I thought we might have another chance. Only to find out she had started seeing someone else. That's when it really hit me hard and my world sort of fell apart.

She wanted to remain friends but the truth is I couldn't. I cared for her too much to just be a friend. Despite breaking up and the reasons for it, I still wanted to try again. To spend time with her as just a mate knowing she will then go home to another man was just too much for me. I don't know how to explain it. It would hurt too much. She's happy now and that's the most important thing for me, but I still think about her every day. Despite our differences we were best friends and I miss her a lot. And it was over a year ago. Looking back, when I broke it off I thought that was it. I never expected it to come to this.

You'll probably fair much better than me, but just keep in mind that you need to mind yourself. There will come a point when she will meet someone new (as will you no doubt) and you need to be prepared. Love and attachment don't just switch off, it a long and often painful process. Time is the only healer. I wish you the best.

LegacyUser · 24-02-2020 3:49am

Thank you so much for taking the time out to reply, I really appreciate your time.

Honeydew3456 wrote: »

I know it sounds crazy but this break up has been, waiting to happen for some time. To be honest I've felt this way for about a year maybe longer. But at the same I always hoped we'd work through it. Truthfully we've been friends for so long and I can't imagine her in my life so we firm on staying friends. I'm upset, I'm happy, I'm a little scared. The therapist is essentially to reset my self. just deal with all the crap and wipe the slate clean. I don't want to bring any bad habits from my relationship into one, I will have in the future. I don't plan of being a singleton for the rest of my days I know I deserve to be happy. I've been dwelling on this for sometime. At the same time I know she has. I know I love her, I know I always will. But I also know that if we tried to work it out we'd be in the same situation a year from now.

Caranica wrote: »

I don't plan on going on any dates, especially while were living in the same house. I'm still wearing my wedding ring as usual, we are keeping up appearance's for some time so when we make a break all the paper work is sorted. Besides we both agreed to respect each other boundries over our anatomy. Plus I don't think sleeping with any one or anything would really help my mind set. Its all about me and paying attention to my best friend.

working are way the ridiculous divorce system in Ireland.

Elessar wrote: »

I'm sorry to here that.I get where your coming from, I genuinely do, especially about the regretting of it. But I also know I've spent the last year trying to make our marriage rekindle our sex life and every other part of our relationship and so has she. I'll certainly miss her companion ship. but she said the door is always open. As will mine.

I get where the regret can come from especially the loneliness. But I'm going to keep my self busy, going to learn an instrument, going to do a sport I love but also maybe join a club and just try my best to keep my self busy not to forget work. Not to mention a few other aspects to my life I think I have that covered. I truthfully want her to find some one, as I want to find some one too.

Thank you every one for sharing your experiences and your warmth its very good of you

Dial Hard · 24-02-2020 2:38pm

Honestly, OP, you sound like you've both handled evrything pretty well so far, but the "keeping up appearances" comment stood out a mile for me. Why do you (both) feel the need to do this? You've made a decision and while you're not on any rush to get the big things moving, I don't really see what's to be gained by basically pretending to still be happily married?

Purely from a getting your head around it point of view, the healthiest thing to do now is for both of you to accept that it's over and start the transition to that frame of mind. You're just muddying the waters by going "Ok, we're not together any more, but nobody knows about and we're basically still happily married as far as everyone and everything else is concerned".

Neyite · 24-02-2020 4:20pm

I won't repeat the good advice you've been given so far but you should both be aware that when others start to hear about it, that's when it can get complicated with unwanted advice or people determined to find drama and cause further frictions between you. People determined to take 'sides' or people advising one of you to take the other for everything they can. That sort of stuff.

Work out your financial stuff fairly. You don't mention children so I'm assuming you don't have any, but if they were involved then the financial elements would have to factor in the costs involved in that.

Joint counselling /mediation can also assist a couple navigating a separation as well as reconciliation so if things do get a bit fraught then it might be something to keep in mind.

Hope it works out well for you both.

LegacyUser · 25-02-2020 8:33am

Dial Hard: Excellent point, for us we have a number of mitigating factors we want to get in order so when we brake it feels like a smooth transition. We want to keep it under wraps until were both in a position to move on. But also manage the situation properly.

Neyite: Very true, that is why we're some what keeping it under wraps our parents know, we don't really feel the need to tell any one else presently.

I'm certainly going to see a therapist, again its her choice if she wants too.

(Small update.)

We've both been reading a lot about the position we're in, but also talking about it, I can't help but feel value, we're booth being so caring towards each other. That's the thing we really do care about each other but as close friends. We both have a huge amount of platonic love for each other.

I've cried, because I'll no longer have her in my life in the same way but I do think long term it will be better. I wont have the same house to call home. There are small and big things I'll miss. But ultimately I can't help but feel lucky where both making the effort to give each other space.

Again if any one has any advice or thoughts. I think to a degree Elessar is right it will probably be harder for us both when I move out. But that's also why I want to make sure when I do leave, I have some firm plans in place to manage my life I think a really busy schedule, fitness biggest thing is to make sure I have enough things to keep me busy. At the same time reflect process.

Its the most Bi-Polar experience I've ever had.

Thanks for all the reply's points and also advice. You're all wonderful people.

Honeydew3456 · 25-02-2020 6:25pm

Clear thinking. wrote: »

Again if any one has any advice or thoughts. I think to a degree Elessar is right it will probably be harder for us both when I move out. But that's also why I want to make sure when I do leave, I have some firm plans in place to manage my life I think a really busy schedule, fitness biggest thing is to make sure I have enough things to keep me busy. At the same time reflect process.

Its the most Bi-Polar experience I've ever had.

What an incredible emotionally mature response to a seperation coupled with a huge amount of self awareness! Well done to you both.

You got this OP and fair play for working on yourself to ensure that whenever you start your next relationship you are doing so with a clean slate.

2ndcoming · 05-03-2020 7:13pm

In my experience no matter what the end of a serious long-term relationship will affect you hugely in ways you probably can't prepare for, and for several years. The loss of someone who is a huge part of your life, even if you choose to lose them, leaves a deep mark.

Eventually the memory will fade and the light will disappear over the horizon and you'll be free of it, but even with the best intentions in the world there will be no future relationship with this person of any kind, more than likely. Neither of you can probably contemplate that right now but it is the only way to be free of the pain that will set in and linger at some point soon.

The movie Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind hit the nail on the head pretty well for me, but I would steer clear of that particular film for quite a while if I was you. I wouldn't have been ready for it for a couple of years.

Best of luck anyway!

Broke up with my wife. (amicable)

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