What's different about your relationship with your OH that may have been missing from

mojesius · 02-05-2018 11:16pm

What is different about him?

He's kind, funny, unique and thoughtful. Nearly 10 years on I'm deeply attracted to him. We can chat about the weirdest topics for hours as we both have wandering minds.

Every other relationship, I wasn't fully 'me' as there was something about the other person that made me uncomfortable, like there was something to consciously work on or settle with.

Neither of us were remotely interested in a relationship when we met so it progressed very slowly from friendship to what we have now. We're not perfect by any means! Both stubborn and a bit mad

ginandtonicsky · 02-05-2018 11:46pm

Malayalam wrote: »

Hmmm, what was different? It's a bit awkward to admit but the actual desire to share spit and touching and body fluids was what was different, and still is. In my life I have truly liked and deeply admired a few men for their brainy brilliance or talents, their poetic natures or artistic prowess. But it has been almost miniscule the amount of people I have met - even those I really, really like and admire - that I could ever envisage actually physically engaging with - I'm kind of a bit (lot?) autistic that way. Smells, textures, sounds, the raw physicality of people is very daunting to me. But it was never that way with himself. Rare pheromone synching, I guess. Thankfully.

I can relate a lot to this. it's so rare for me to meet a guy that has all these wonderful favourable personality traits and values and qualities and that I also feel this carnal need to touch and do all the physical couply sexy natural things you do when you're attracted to someone.

It's always been a mismatch of wanting to touch him but we're not remotely compatible in any other way and he's maybe a bit of a dick or he's a wonderful person but good god kissing him fills me with horror. how could i possibly like, what an ordeal.

i've been in love once, and he was that proverbial unicorn. the physical thing didn't seem daunting at all and beyond that he was a lovely kind and thoughtful human who made me laugh until i almost puked at least once a day.

ah love is great. and then it all goes to **** :pac:

myshirt · 02-05-2018 11:47pm

annascott wrote: »

We were friends first so I got to know and respect him as a person and not as a potential partner. Also, it is the first time everything was easy and felt right. I was with someone I trusted and actually liked, not as in the past with someone who I thought would impress my friends or give me added cudos. I wish I had worked that out in my twenties.

Troll level 1,000

Outlaw Pete · 03-05-2018 12:25am

"You know you’ve found somebody special when you can just shut the fcuk up for a minute and comfortably enjoy the silence."

Mister Vain · 04-05-2018 1:43pm

She is extremely laid back and she would want to be as I have absolutely no tolerance for drama.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5 · 04-05-2018 2:34pm

I do remember being struck in the early days by just how much we got along . Just a small but constant trickle of dicovery of trivial preferences or habits we had in common, like sleeping with the radio on, disliking overhead lights. That dynamic scales up well too, our core values would be very compatible though not identical.

An ability to apologise without it turning into, implicitly or explicitly, a big mansplaination of "now that I've that I've apologised and you've calmed down, I'm just going to go through in detail why it was completely unnecessary for me to apologise". I just thought that was standard.

It was also the right relationship at the right time. We'd known each other years but didn't start seeing each other until our mid/late twenties. We each had a couple of long termers under our belt, had gotten the hard partying hot mess years out of our systems.

It's something that difficult to articulate but I suspect is also related to getting together that bit later and having known each other for so long before, but a fairly immediate sense of trust and safety. I can rely on him, I can be vulnerable in front of him, and vice versa. I think when I was younger I might have thought that sort of stuff was mutually exclusive from passion or excitement, it's not.

We're both people who naturally put a LOT into and expect a lot out of our romantic partnerships. Nothing wrong with being differently centred of course, but I think realistically for a relationship to work both parties need to be coming from the same place on that front, otherwise you just end up with one confused, claustrophobic "the fcuk did I do now" person and one panicked, emotionally frustrated person.

Your Face · 04-05-2018 2:38pm

I thought back through some of my ex's.

I think the difference is mutual respect.

04-05-2018 4:24pm

For me I think it is communication. Not just superficial talking or saying how our day was. But full open honest intimate and deep communication. I never really had that in relationships before. And I know this relationship would simply not function if we did not have it now.

professore · 04-05-2018 4:53pm

Appledreams15 wrote: »

It is always two people's fault.

For example I know an angry, alcoholic man, who complains about his childish messy ex wife.

And I know a cutting, insensitive woman, who complains about her lazy weak ex husband

How could it ever be one person's fault?

I agree with you actually on this. There are many relationships that both parties have lots of issues.

There are also many relationships with one really **** god awful partner and one partner who is decent but puts up with all the ****. So from that perspective all bad relationships are two people's fault.

professore · 04-05-2018 4:57pm

Dawson Sweet Tidewater wrote: »

It's something that difficult to articulate but I suspect is also related to getting together that bit later and having known each other for so long before, but a fairly immediate sense of trust and safety. I can rely on him, I can be vulnerable in front of him, and vice versa. I think when I was younger I might have thought that sort of stuff was mutually exclusive from passion or excitement, it's not.

Passion and excitement in a relationship are WILDLY overrated. I get those from my hobbies and from some of my mad friends.

Most people don't want "passion and excitement" with their family finances or with their other half disappearing for days on end, constantly fighting with them, or their toddler finding drugs all over the house. I know couples who got together for "passion and excitement" with all of the above and worse.

Potential-Monke · 04-05-2018 4:59pm

Unlike my ex, my hand doesn't give out to me.

professore · 04-05-2018 5:03pm

Shinbin223 wrote: »

I do think it comes down to respect and kindness playing a major part in relationships going the distance. It is scary from listening to friends stories and my most recent relationship ending that sometimes the lack of respect shown to someone is baffling.
Fine, you can't force yourself to be with someone and the vast majority of people wouldn't want to force anyone or have to cajole someone into being with them, but the lack of decency and respect when relationships are ending is quite sad recently. My most recent relationship ended two weeks after he suggested a holiday in summer, and a week after he suggested a night away. There genuinely weren't any red flags, things were going really well, we enjoyed each others company and had a laugh together, sex life was really good and he ended it over a text message after me having to question why he was so distant all of a sudden. He refused to meet up or talk on the phone.
Another friend of mine was left in a pub on her own and to make her own way home from the middle of nowhere, even though her boyfriend knew she had no battery on her phone. He just walked out of the pub, left her and stopped answering calls. Sometimes a little common courtesy and respect wouldn't go astray when ending things, it costs nothing.
In lots of cases I know of with relationships ending, it wasn't like there was a big build up of rows, or things weren't going well or any one big "red-flag" incident occurred. It seemed to be simply one person turning around, almost out of the blue and saying they didn't want to be with the other person. It's probably those cases that had me asking the question regarding the different element that made you want to stay with your current partner/OH.
It is the cases where there is abuse or one partner is possessive, extremely difficult or where there are unsolvable issues like children/marriage/money that it is so easy to see why one party or both eventually left. I'm curious about situations where someone left a relationship where there was no "big issue" and the difference between that and the relationship you are currently in.

Both of those sound like classic cases of the guy just not being that into the girl and getting more and more bored with the whole situation but being too chicken**** to just come out and say it. Never understood that tbh.

professore · 04-05-2018 5:04pm

Candie wrote: »

He gives me tingles and makes me laugh and I think he's the bestest ever in the history of the world, and he seems to think I'm tolerable

Awwww...

What's different about your relationship with your OH that may have been missing from

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