Shítty friend?

I think you have to trust your gut on this one, and from what you said about turning a blind eye to some of the stuff he did to others, then it would appear that your gut was right. You cant change people. No matter how good a mate you are to this guy, whatever is going on inside of him, whatever motivates him, that will always win out in the end. I mean if he wants something, like to use this girl for a while, then he'll do that. Morality, whats decent and honorable, wont get in his way. He probably doesnt even think about it in any way other than, getting what he wants from this situation. In all likelihood someone like that wont change, it'll take a Road to Damascus like revelation to open his eyes. Probably when someone treats him like he treats others, and even then he might not get the message. But when it comes right down to it, is someone like that the kind of bloke who you would place your trust in? If the answer is no, then you are better off leaving him to it and not having much future contact with him, because guaranteed, if it came down to a situation where you stood between him and getting something he wants, he'd sell you out in a heartbeat.

Had somewhat of a similar experience many years ago, my advice, cut him loose as a friend, don’t waste your time on him, he’s self serving and as poster above says I guarantee if it came down to it in the future he would always choose himself first, let life teach him his lessons it’s not your job to be his shoulder. There’s an unwritten code with what you mention above, if it was my good mate I wouldn’t go near a girl he likes you just don’t do that unless you're self serving and don’t give a crap about your friends.

Just to add some more insights.. Did this friend offer you any support or sympathy over the recent bereavement you went through?
This might add some clarity to how he perceives your friendship for us.

It's a dick and loser move that I detest in people tbh. There are so many other potential partners there, especially if you're just looking for a quick bit of casual, that to go after someone a mate has recent history with and/or is interested in is way beyond the line. Like if you were just interested in her and nothing had happened, that's a little easier to swallow, but this is close enough to an ex and a recent one at that. I'd be dropping him ASAP.

I wouldn't be too impressed with her either, truth be told. You're right in what you say that you can't dictate or control who she sleeps with, but at the same time she either obviously didn't value your time together that highly to get off with one of your friends or this is a ploy to make you jealous that she knew you'd hear back about. It's, at best, childish and a bit disrespectful. I'm not saying start any drama or anything, nothing will be gained, but don't be caught making excuses for her and still holding a candle. This is not someone worth going back to if the opportunity arises.

To echo on the above, yes, your friend (and I hesitate to use that word in this case) is a d!ck and is only out for himself. People like that are not worth your time and don't deserve a second chance. Take it from me, I know.


I had a best friend for years. We were friends for nearly 20 years and I always put more into the friendship than he did. We live about 20 minutes walk from eachother (5 minute drive). In the time we were friends, (here's a little list) :

*He visited my home maybe 2 dozen times where I would regularly call in for coffee and a chat.

*He almost never attended the rare celebration I would have and yet I attended every one he asked me to. The excuses were usually ridiculous.

*He borrowed cash many times and almost never paid it back. One time he had the audacity to say "ah, sure we are friends" (or something to that effect)when I mentioned he hadn't paid back a loan. When I needed money he owed me, he said he was broke, but then sent his wife and daughter to a Taylor Swift concert in Belfast and bought himself a new guitar.

*I kept confidential his secrets to this day, yet I know he has shared most of what I confided in him. If I shared his secrets, or what I know about his Wife, it would cause hell, but I respect peoples privacy and wouldn't intentionally hurt anyone.

*I was always there when he needed a friend and kept him out of trouble. He was never there when I needed a friend and only sometimes when I would rather he kept out of my business.

*He insisted (sober) on many occasions that he held me in higher regard than his brothers, who he mostly despised. That I was his brother :rolleyes: . And yet he never asked me to stand in as god father for his 3 children.

*He cast me aside when I needed his help because it wasn't convenient for him.

I was so disappointed in him that I stopped speaking to him. Then after maybe a year, he contacted me. His Wife had left him and he clearly needed a friend. She was clearly seeing someone else. He was suicidal and smashed up his house. I took him to hospital and spent months being the one he could rely on.

I stopped speaking to him again, because he lied to my face when I asked him about something which had affected me deeply. He had gossiped to someone I despise and denied it when I gave him a chance to come clean. He knew I knew, but still denied it.


He was at a surprise party recently. I don't consider him to be a friend, or trust-worthy anymore, but I don't hold hatred and I greeted him and had a chat. He was there with someone he had a fling with while married.

Truth be told, I would prefer not to see him again, because he is probably the most selfish person I know and I can't relate to someone like him. If only he had apologised, things would have been different, but he wasn't man enough, or friend enough to even do that.

I have endless patience for people, but only if they are willing to do the right thing.


OP...it sounds like your friend is a lot like the one I had. Do yourself a favor and cut contact now. You have kinder enemies than that.

I have a rule that I have always lived by. Any of my mates exes are off limits. Even if they have been with them causally then same rule applies. I have cut people out of my life who I considered close friends when I found out they had been with or tried to be with my exes.

There is no excusing it and the fact it has affected you proves it. Plus if he has no interest in her then it's a power play on you. You don't need this in your life. Don't feel bad. Move on and don't think twice about it.