Wedding Avoidance

LegacyUser · 12-11-2019 4:40pm #1

I'm looking for advice about how to sort out my wedding woe's. I wouldn't say I have jitters, I just can't wait for the whole thing to be over and done with.

I was due to get married in June but a close family relative of my OH died a week beforehand so we had to postpone the wedding. The hotel were fantastic and gave us a new date and everyone (band, hair, makeup etc) were able to move. The new date is 3 weeks away and I really am just feeling so UGH about the whole thing.

Anytime anyone talks to me about the wedding (Am I excited? Everything sorted? etc) I just completely change the subject and want to run away.

This is not the wedding I planned. I had lost loads of weight beforehand and between the stress of the last few months I've piled it back on again. That's my first issue. I feel like my dress is going to look absolutely ridiculous on me and I had it taken in so much initially that I can't get it let out much more.

I planned a summer wedding. I wanted some gorgeous pictures during the day. I'll struggle to get the sunny pictures I was hoping to get. Now I know you're never guaranteed good weather here but low and behold, the weather was stunning on my original wedding date.

I've paid for 150 guests and I'll be lucky if 90 show up. Unfortunatly I never checked the date of the new wedding and it conflicts with a friend of ours wedding so a good chunk of my guests will be going to that wedding. I'm not angry about this because they had given them that date first I'm just, sad.

The hotel have been fairly ok in this regard and they've given me an extra course but i'll still have paid for way more meals than seats on the day.

As I said the wedding is paid in full. There's no option to get my money back or even a portion of my money back. The hotel didn't even have to give me a new date because it was such short notice. I put my heart and soul into planning my summer wedding and I just feel so deflated as this is not the wedding I wanted.

I know I'm probably coming across as a bit of a bridezilla but I saved for 3 years for this, lived like a pauper so I could have my dream wedding. I don't have the option of cancelling it and saving for another wedding.

I can't wait for it to be over and done with because the whole thing is just giving me anxiety.

skallywag · 12-11-2019 4:51pm

I can see your point here OP.

Any chance it can all be pushed back to next summer? OK, you say it is now 3 weeks away I guess, so perhaps that is not really possible now logistically I guess ....

LuciX · 12-11-2019 5:18pm

woeisbride wrote: »

I've paid for 150 guests and I'll be lucky if 90 show up.
The hotel have been fairly ok in this regard and they've given me an extra course but i'll still have paid for way more meals than seats on the day.

Sorry you had to give up on the summer wedding you worked hard for.

There is small chance the sun will be out :cool: I will have my fingers crossed for you.

Regarding the guests list: 150 to 90... The hotel is taking a huge profit.
I am sorry but one extra course per person is just not enough.
How much does one extra course even cost? EUR10?

I accept the non refund policy etc but what about a compromise?

You can set the guest list at 100. The hotel work out the costs for the extra 50 and put this money towards a 1yr anniversary package, something?
I know most hotels give the couple a return voucher anyway but hopefully they can offer you an alternative.

Deep breaths! Your big day is fast approaching and it will be great. :pac:

isohon · 12-11-2019 9:16pm

OP you have every right to feel dejected and deflated. You have every right to have a bit of a rant. What happened is just... just plainly crap. I'm going to be annoying from this point forward, so please don't forget that I agree that its all a bit sh!t.

What happened, happened. You cannot now have the day you originally planned, no matter how much you want it back. Another poster asked if you could postpone, I don't think that is a good idea, but if it is what you want, go for it!

Personally, I completely resonate with the sentiment of wanting this done. Your wedding will go ahead, in its somewhat battered form, but it will be great on the day. You will have a good time, and then you will be married and on your way. If it were me, i'd think about holding another celebration, maybe on the first anniversary, or another meaningful date for you and your spouse. You could choose a summer date next year, have a really lovely marquis event, hire a photographer, even make it an annual event for you, friends and family.

What is coming, is coming, you didn't unfortunately get a choice when it came to what happened, but you do have a choice now as to what happens. It can either be a misery, or a day to remember fondly. You have got to chose to see it in a way that will make you happiest in the long run.

Henry Ford III · 13-11-2019 2:24pm

OP you haven't mentioned your future spouse at all. That's a bit odd tbh.

What does he/she have to say about it?

Loveinapril · 13-11-2019 2:34pm

Henry Ford III wrote: »

OP you haven't mentioned your future spouse at all. That's a bit odd tbh.

What does he/she have to say about it?

I would imagine the OP is not discussing these issues with her partner because it was his family bereavement that created this situation.

OP, it might not help you now, and although your wedding is THE MOST important thing to you right now, it is essentially just a party. You are so lucky the hotel gave you an alternative date so you saved a load of money and heartache in the longrun. If you go into the day thinking it will be sh!t, it will be. You can control how much enjoyment you get from it. Don't focus on the 'what ifs' like the weather and the bigger guest list of the previous day, focus on all the new things your actual wedding day will have.

I had a wedding, it was great, but the most important part of it was getting married to my husband! Yes there are things I would change about the day if I could go back but I don't dwell on those things. Once the day ended, that was it- married life began. The build up created before a wedding can be overwhelming and people can lose the run of themselves. Please try to see the day for what it is- it is a party where you will celebrate your love. Your partner has obviously suffered a significant loss so this isn't the day he hoped for either, I am sure.

Emme · 13-11-2019 4:34pm

OP getting through the last few months with your fiance will do more for your marriage long term than a wedding that is perfect on the day. However the hotel are taking the proverbial a bit and they know they can get away with it. Any change of getting extra drink out of them on the day?

Do you want a perfect wedding to showcase yourself, your dress etc. or as the best possible way to commit to your fiance for life?

I know 3 weeks is short notice to get another dress or get your dress altered more. However you might be able to get a nice faux fur shrug/bolero to go with your dress. It will keep you warm for a winter wedding and make up for how you have changed in the last few months.

Life is going to be hard and stressful at times. You won't always have time to stay at your perfect weight or looking perfect. Marriage is about having somebody to weather the storms with you/or you with them.

I would advise you to go ahead and get married in 3 weeks time. See if the hotel can offer at least one free drink for everyone on top of what they offered already.

You and your husband have weathered a storm already and if you continue this way you have a good marriage ahead of you.

ILoveYourVibes · 13-11-2019 4:59pm

Yeah i have this exact same issue. Which is why when i get married no big deal and ceremony ..just quiet.

Listen the only thing i can say is it will be over in three weeks ....so hang in there. And of course its only one day.

Imagine the relief of the day after. Just HANG IN there for three weeks.

You love your partner ...life throws real life **** at us sometimes. Im sorry about your partners family member and the hotel.

Its not the perfect wedding you wanted ..but its YOUR wedding ...its still just as meaningful to you.

Bigbagofcans · 13-11-2019 8:52pm

You could always get a backup dress from Zara (or another high street shop)which can cost less than €100. That's what my friend did and she looked beautiful and felt comfortable in her Zara dress.

Try not to think of the original date. Your date in 3 weeks is the only one that matters. Less pressure weather-wise for a winter wedding. I think winter weddings are great.

Focus on the people who will be there rather than the ones that won't. You'll have a wonderful day with the people who are there to support you and celebrate.

Relax and enjoy this day you've worked so hard for.

dellas1979 · 13-11-2019 9:53pm

Expectation vs reality.

If you go into this day telling yourself its going to be awful, it will be awful. If you go into this day going "Im going to have an awesome day regardless" then you will have an awesome day.

So what if your original day the sun was spitting the rocks! It could equally have been pissing rain - what would you have done then?

You can:
Speak to the photographer on how to maximize light/surroundings on the day - see what suggestions they have.

Not begrudge the hotel the cost-they too lost out on a weekend for having cancelled yours (I doubt they got something in last minute).

Re not feeling comfortable. Eat healthy and exercise for 3 weeks - at most it will relieve some of the stress. You will tone up.

Be grateful for all your family and friends who can make it. For those who couldn't make it due to the other wedding, wish them well for that wedding.

Start sending out some positive vibes OP! The choice is yours.

LegacyUser · 13-11-2019 10:29pm

I’m sorry OP.

You don’t sound like a bridezilla at all, you sound perfectly normal!

I think you should approach the hotel again, explain the clash with the other wedding & ask if there is any chance you can have another date. No harm in asking.

If they say no, accept that you won’t have the summer wedding you’d planned & embrace this one! Get a new dress off the rails or second hand if needs be & then embrace the rest of the day. I’d be disappointed if friends couldn’t mKe it but it’s all about the atmosphere & 90 is more than enough for a party. I was at a wedding with loads of older people & far fewer younger people recently & it was great fun I barely left the dancefloor & I don’t like dancing!

As others have said this is about you & your OH. I got married in the summer & my indoor photos are nicer no squinting to contend with! Do your research & get the backdrops you want. I was at a wedding in Nov & the couple took outside photos I guess they just braved the cold.

The hotel sound like they are making a bomb, try to push them to throw in more booze or something!!!

Butterface · 13-11-2019 10:40pm

I was nervous in the weeks leading up to our wedding day, and started to feel like I just wanted to get it over and done with. And we didn't even have any of the issues that you're having!

On the day I just focused on the important things.. the ceremony, making sure that our guests were having a good time, and making sure we were having a good time!

We didn't have a big wedding party but even with our numbers, we found that we didn't get to spend equal time with each guest. So with a reduction in numbers, you won't be stretching yourselves trying to get around for a decent chat with everyone.

For photos, you may find that your photographer will indulge in their own ideas of what photos/posing you will like.. we reckon 80% of the portraits of us are terrible. We had photos taken outside, but the best ones were taken of us with groups of family/friends indoors! In fact, we cut the photo taking short because we wanted to join our guests.

I hope you start to feel more optimistic about the day in the coming weeks!

ILoveYourVibes · 13-11-2019 11:20pm

Just focus on what matters.

Not on details that dont. You will have a long life with your spouse.

You can't control everything.

You can't control life. Or this wedding. Its not going to be as you planned.

I am sure your partner didn't plan to be bereaved. I am sure it will feel different for them without that family member too.

You can get a diff dress etc ...try and negotiate the hotel bill. But obviously you will have to let go ...of the inflexible 'dream wedding'.

This is your wedding. Accept it and enjoy it for what it is don't stop enjoying it because of what it isn't.

I know I'm probably coming across as a bit of a bridezilla but I saved for 3 years for this, lived like a pauper so I could have my dream wedding. I don't have the option of cancelling it and saving for another wedding.

Just when you think you have exactly the wedding YOU planned ..life goes NOPE you thought so ...nope ...

You may as well have a sense of humor about it. It will probably rain on your wedding day too.

Better get an umbrella at zara too.

Let go of your old wedding ..see what happens at you ACTUAL wedding.

sporina · 16-11-2019 12:23am

try thinking back to the reasons why you decided to get married... ?

qwerty13 · 16-11-2019 4:39am

I get that you’re disappointed, but I think you’re losing sight of the truly important things.

You’re marrying your partner. Surely that’s the most important thing, regardless of how you do it.

For the wedding to be postponed, it was obviously someone very dear to your partner, so to compare that to your ‘disappointment’ would be incredibly crass.

The practical stuff - well you are very lucky that all of the suppliers were so accommodating. Try to squeeze more out of the venue if that makes you happier.

I’m not into the ‘big day’ wedding stuff, so I’m being up front about saying that I cannot understand your point of view. But I still think it’s terrible that you ‘just want it over’. Probably none of your friends or family would say that to you, and I don’t mean it nastily, but you need to cop on if ‘the day’ is THAT important to you.

You’re marrying the person you love more than anything. Yes I could say ‘sure what does it matter if you wear a black bag and eat McDonalds’ - but that’s not the case. You’re having, what, maybe 90% of the day you wanted?? In which case, and again I do not mean this nastily, you are not seeing the wood for the trees, and you need to consider what is really important.

And you must know that you being rather less than enthusiastic will come across on some level to your partner, and make them feel bad. Don’t do that OP, make them feel bad because you’re not getting your ‘dream’ due to them losing a close family member. I understand that you’re not doing that deliberately or with malice, but you might need to think about how your actions are potentially affecting your partner - and whether they might be the one to say that they don’t want the wedding at all.

robbiezero · 16-11-2019 10:45am

I wouldn't get too worried about the weather. I have been to loads of weddings and there isn't one of them that I remember what the weather was like on. Besides you might well get a day like today (in Dublin), brisk, sunny, blue skies - one of my favorite type of days.

In terms of the hotel, you might look at getting them to do something extra at the actual reception part before the meal. Maybe some hot rolls etc particularly if people are travelling. Was at one a while back that had hot turkey, beef and ham rolls for a hungry crowd who savaged them. A good reception can really set the tone for the wedding. People often make the mistake of ignoring that part of the wedding and just throwing out a few biscuits for people who might have travelled a long way and not eaten since that morning.

I'm not really sure what makes a good wedding, a lot of weddings that I thought should have been really good were fairly formulaic and didnt stand out and some of the ones that I thought would be an awful drag turned out really good. A happy, laughing, mingling bride and groom can be very infectious at a wedding.

SozBbz · 18-11-2019 4:18pm

Hi OP,

As others have said, try to focus on whats really important.

As regards rearranging at this late stage - I don't see them agreeing to move it for you twice, let alone your other suppliers. You could chance your arm, maybe ask for a date in February which is probably the ultimate wedding off season, but even for that I wouldnt hold my breath. Its unfortunate that your best laid plans havent come to pass but there is really little point in crying over spilled milk at this point, so you really only have one choice: put on a brave face and make the best of it. Focus on marrying your partner.

I think the one thing you probably can improve is your dress. As others have said you can make a conscious effort to shed a few lbs in the next 3 weeks. Would 6/7 lbs make the dress workable?

If not, you could look at buying a new dress from a ready to wear dress retailer. I'm thinking the likes of Wed2Be/Monsoon/Asos/Debenhams. If your existing dress doesnt work at your current weight or in a winter setting, then it may be worth it to feel comfortable. Only you will know if this would really help though.

Wedding Avoidance

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