Do I attend or not

sashafierce · 11-11-2019 7:25pm #1

This is a really petty issue but I'm gonna ask for some opinions anyway even though I know the answer...

All through school there was 4 of us in a group of friends we don't see each other often but when we do it's always fun. Anyway, for my birthday this year I had a birthday meal and two of them didn't come so me and the 4th gal who was 8.5 months pregnant at the time went for dinner. The day of my birthday one of the other girls text at 9pm to say happy birthday and the other text four days later. It bothered me because I always make the effort for them

Roll to November and it's the joint meal for the two that didn't come next weekend. I live an hour and a half drive away and I have a few expenses coming up so I could do without the drive or the fancy steak dinner. However it's always fun when I see them but I'm still hurt they didn't come to mine.

The reason they didn't come to mine one said they couldn't make it and the other last minute needed to drop her daughter to a class.

Before crucifying me for for being petty I know it looks that way but regardless it hurt me.
Opinions?

Whereisgalway · 11-11-2019 7:27pm

I wouldn’t bother but send a card and a gift and try organise a dinner early in the new year

Addle · 11-11-2019 8:05pm

I’d go. You’ve no reason to doubt they were genuine?

P2C · 11-11-2019 8:11pm

Life’s to short meet up

kippy · 11-11-2019 8:13pm

Your ages and life circumstances would be useful info here.

Batgurl · 11-11-2019 8:38pm

You say you enjoy their company. So if you don’t go, you’d be cutting off your nose to spite your face.

sashafierce · 11-11-2019 8:56pm

Batgurl wrote: »

You say you enjoy their company. So if you don’t go, you’d be cutting off your nose to spite your face.

That was my initial thought.

As for ages were all mid 30s

endacl · 11-11-2019 9:00pm

Only a thing if you make it a thing.

Addle · 11-11-2019 9:25pm

sashafierce wrote: »

That was my initial thought.

As for ages were all mid 30s

Friendships aren’t a priority once families come along, and rightly so.
Get used to plans being changed last minute.
Don’t take it personally.

joeguevara · 12-11-2019 3:00am

If you want to go, go. If you feel hurt but think you want a friendship, go. If you are still hurt and don't want to salvage it, don't.

Do what's best for you and not out of anything else. Whatever you choose, it won't be Petty.

12-11-2019 3:05am

joeguevara wrote: »

If you want to go, go. If you feel hurt but think you want a friendship, go. If you are still hurt and don't want to salvage it, don't.

Do what's best for you and not out of anything else. Whatever you choose, it won't be Petty.

i dunno. not going just for the sake of tit-for-tat would 100% be petty tbh.

you either accept the reasons as genuine and forget about it, or you don't.

one allows you to move on and not muddy up friendships. one doesn't.

choice is yours.

joeguevara · 12-11-2019 3:18am

Deleted User wrote: »

i dunno. not going just for the sake of tit-for-tat would 100% be petty tbh.

you either accept the reasons as genuine and forget about it, or you don't.

one allows you to move on and not muddy up friendships. one doesn't.

choice is yours.

Agree completely and maybe my post wasn't as clear as yours.

OP. If you want to be friends then go. If you don't then don't. It hurts when you feel let down. But it could be genuine reason. Do what's best for you.

qwerty13 · 12-11-2019 3:40am

Addle wrote: »

Friendships aren’t a priority once families come along, and rightly so.
Get used to plans being changed last minute.
Don’t take it personally.

That’s a truly terrible outlook. At the very least, it’s incredibly selfish to just drop friends once you have a partner / kids. And having an outlet outside of your family unit can be great as a sounding board, a connection to your old life, and just fun.

So what happens to someone who splits with their partner? Or who is having a hard time coping with the change in their life re kids? Do you think any friends will be there for them, if the former friends have been blown off with ‘I’m too busy with my partner / kids’ treatment??

qwerty13 · 12-11-2019 3:50am

I got a bit off topic OP. My take on things would be that if your friends make a habit of blowing you off, then don’t turn yourself inside out re driving / money re their birthday.

If you think they would like to have met you but genuinely couldn’t, then go to their meal.

Don’t do a tit for tat bitter thing though, no one is going to come out the other side happy from that.

pwurple · 12-11-2019 8:02am

It seems like they live very close by each other and you are furthest away? An hour and a half drive away?

That's difficult for you, and difficult for them too. I wouldn't be able to drive somewhere for a meal that far away and come home with kids, work, commitments etc. You're asking for 3 hours drive off them, no small ask.

The text thing, I can't even register a problem. They all wished you a happy birthday, but one wasn't quick enough is it?

Maybe have a chat about logistics to see if that's the problem... Meet somewhere in the middle, or change your dinners out to something like a walk in the woods where kids can come too.

kippy · 12-11-2019 8:03am

qwerty13 wrote: »

That’s a truly terrible outlook. At the very least, it’s incredibly selfish to just drop friends once you have a partner / kids. And having an outlet outside of your family unit can be great as a sounding board, a connection to your old life, and just fun.

So what happens to someone who splits with their partner? Or who is having a hard time coping with the change in their life re kids? Do you think any friends will be there for them, if the former friends have been blown off with ‘I’m too busy with my partner / kids’ treatment??

The poster didn't say friends are completely dropped, just that priorities change and complications arise that mean organised events sometimes have to be missed.
Surely you can appreciate this reality.

sashafierce · 12-11-2019 9:42am

Thanks all for the replies. Still not sure what to do. I've family where the meal is and was down there last week so I don't really fancy going down again this weekend especially coming up to Christmas I could do without the expense. I've also a few things on this Saturday that I'd need to reschedule to attend. So the juggling around is really what's stopping me going which I'd normally not hesitate to do but I'm kinda thinking like ya know rescheduling is a bit awkward.

Totally disagree with the whole once you've a family friends aren't as important attitude no relationship is guaranteed forever and it's so important to keep your own seperate life outside all family in my opinion.

HildaOgdenx · 12-11-2019 10:04am

qwerty13 wrote: »

I got a bit off topic OP. My take on things would be that if your friends make a habit of blowing you off, then don’t turn yourself inside out re driving / money re their birthday.

If you think they would like to have met you but genuinely couldn’t, then go to their meal.

Don’t do a tit for tat bitter thing though, no one is going to come out the other side happy from that.

+1 to this.

I would feel a bit hurt, in your situation also, OP.
I would try to put aside what happened though and just decide based on factors such as you have mentioned - cost, rescheduling stuff etc.

I completely agree, OP, friendships are important and of course, while things change when kids come along, or people move away, or whatever, it's still very important to nurture friendships.

If you decide not to go, maybe try to get a date in all diaries for a meet up in the New Year.

skallywag · 12-11-2019 1:19pm

I also certainly do not buy in to the 'Oh I have a family now so blahblah'. I know a few people who play this card whenever it suits them, it's a great catch-all for getting out of anything. I have family myself and know exactly what the commitments are, but in general I find that where there is a will there is a way, even if I have to make sacrifice myself to make things happen.

OP, I would also be pissed off with these two. Did no1 at least give a reason why she could not make it? As for no2, pulling out at the last minute like that is also not on in my book for such a reason.

I think you would be fully justified not going to be honest.

tara73 · 12-11-2019 1:55pm

I think your gut feeling is telling you the right thing here: that this two were or are not that a*** anymore to see you? do you have the feeling something changed?

I wouldn't feel too bad not going, you described in your second post what's all on your plate. Tell them in advance you have a lot on your plate and unfortunately you can't attend this time. It will be fine, if they are real friends they understand and next time you could be there again. No problem at all with real friends..!

con___manx1 · 12-11-2019 2:02pm

Life is to short. If they have been good friends to you for years you shouldn't hold one dinner against them. I can understand why you are hurt but it's not worth being petty about.

tara73 · 12-11-2019 2:38pm

con___manx1 wrote: »

Life is to short. If they have been good friends to you for years you shouldn't hold one dinner against them. I can understand why you are hurt but it's not worth being petty about.

As I read it, it's more about the way they handled it/cancelled it. One never gave a real reason and wished her happy birhtday four days later via text, the other one cancelled on the day the meeting was up with the excuse she needs to drop her daughter to a class (I don't get this excuse at all, seems perfect, drop the daughter to a class, the daughter is busy, so join a little later to the birthday bash..).

Maybe you expect too much OP, that's why I asked if things changed, whether you were closer before, becasue if you were, this behaviour would upset me too and I would ask myself whether they are that interested in a real friendship anymore.

Emme · 13-11-2019 4:43pm

OP if you have to drive 90 minutes there and back you won't be able to have a glass of wine. The others will probably have as much to drink as they like and then split the bill in 3 or 4 at the end of the night. So you will be stumping up for petrol, your food and a share of their drinks even though you can't have any.

If it doesn't suit you to go then don't. Be honest and say you can't afford it. If you're stone cold sober and they're all merry at your expense you won't be enjoying their company as much as before. My advice is to leave it on this occasion and meet again if the time and venue suit you better.

If anyone had an excuse not to come to your birthday it was your heavily pregnant friend. She made it, the others didn't. Focus on your friendship with her. People move on as they get into their 30s. Old friendships peter out, new ones begin. There is no reason to hold onto a friendship that doesn't feel right anymore.

Do I attend or not

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