Cut out homophobic family members?

#1 · 02-11-2019 2:31am #1

I'm bisexual and my extended family (aunts, cousins) abroad who would definitely not approve of it. Hell, my mother explicitly said she would "rather die" than see me with another man.

Is it worth cutting my family completely when I move out? I know a lot of LGBT people would say that they're family disapproved and came around to it but my family has subtly though explicitly made clear many times that they wouldn't approve of me being gay/bi. I think it would **** up the family dynamics if I stayed either way so no point in being with them.

Redser87 · 02-11-2019 1:00pm

God that's a tough question. I wonder if the good people over at the LGBT forum might be more equipped to answer it for you? Are you out to anyone - a good friend who could support you whatever you decide?

strandroad · 02-11-2019 1:03pm

You are not actually out to them are you? Whatever about your extended family, I wouldn't cut contact with your parents based on their declared viewpoint alone. Even if it's hurtful to hear it now, they might still change it when it's about you personally. It is fair to let them try.

nthclare · 02-11-2019 1:11pm

mr_fegelien wrote: »

I'm bisexual and my extended family (aunts, cousins) abroad who would definitely not approve of it. Hell, my mother explicitly said she would "rather die" than see me with another man.

Is it worth cutting my family completely when I move out? I know a lot of LGBT people would say that they're family disapproved and came around to it but my family has subtly though explicitly made clear many times that they wouldn't approve of me being gay/bi. I think it would **** up the family dynamics if I stayed either way so no point in being with them.

I'm bisexual myself and seriously I don't care what people think of me.
My family know,and they have banter with me about it, thankfully I came from an open minded background.
My grandmother's best friend was a screaming Queen called Dinjeo, a farmer who was the most flamboyant man I ever remember.
This was in the arsehole of Kerry
Dinjoe and my grandmother had a great bond, he looked after her after her husband died,my grandfather. He'd bring her messages and news papers etc
She was an old school pagan herself and myself and my dad are Pagans, well ahead of her time, she passed away in 1987
I'm 44 now but I remember her explaining the fact people are different, because I told dinjoe he sounded like a woman only a kid I was.
He thought it was hillarious.
She explained to me that some people are different and all that matters is treat people with respect.
Poor aul Dinjoe was a funny old man, his presence was warm and he lit up the room.
I'm rambling here.

But anyhow there comes a time when people come to terms with all that, my mum always wanted to have a gay anyhow,she loves gay men and they love her.
I'm bisexual myself and they all respect that well I'm half a ghey

ILoveYourVibes · 03-11-2019 6:44am

Tell your mother to get the **** over herself and stop being a child.

Tell her to stop being homophobic or she will go to hell for being a homophobic freak.

Ask her why she can't be like a normal parent. Ask her why she can't be a decent person.

No don't cut them out. But tell them what you really think. Honesty is the best policy.

I told my parents I was bi ...My mom had known for yrs ..my Dad said 'FINE great ...love you ..now get the **** out of the way of the TV! '

People do change OP ...they come round ..i've seen it. The sooner you tell them the better. So they can stop putting their foot in it with all the gross freakish homophobia.

Xterminator · 03-11-2019 11:00am

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

Tell your mother to get the **** over herself and stop being a child.

Tell her to stop being homophobic or she will go to hell for being a homophobic freak.....

Please don't follow anything this person says. My experience is that everyone deserves respect, including people who have voiced homophobic comments. i dont believe t would be respectful to speak in that fashion to a parent and im certain it would do more damage than good to your relationship with your family members if you treated a parent in that fashion.

I assume you are not fully out from your comments. You can gets lots of advice and support over on LGBT forum if you need help with that. Many people of the older generation have said homophobic words in their lifetime. Some are bigots, but most are not. It is during my lifetime and likely your parents that homosexuality has been decriminalised, and full rights to marriage etc granted.

If your parents cannot handle the specific situation of you openly having a partner that would be a real pity. But i wouldn't give up on them unless they cut off ties with you. i would keep lines of communication open and hope that you can have a relationship with your parents and be true to yourself. Im not saying you wont have issues, just that its worth trying.

im not sure why you are considering cutting ties, at least based on the little information you have shared. It seems extreme and unwarranted on the information shared.

splinter65 · 03-11-2019 11:48am

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

Tell your mother to get the **** over herself and stop being a child.

Tell her to stop being homophobic or she will go to hell for being a homophobic freak.

Ask her why she can't be like a normal parent. Ask her why she can't be a decent person.

No don't cut them out. But tell them what you really think. Honesty is the best policy.

I told my parents I was bi ...My mom had known for yrs ..my Dad said 'FINE great ...love you ..now get the **** out of the way of the TV! '

People do change OP ...they come round ..i've seen it. The sooner you tell them the better. So they can stop putting their foot in it with all the gross freakish homophobia.

That worked out for you. It doesn’t work out that way for everyone. Right now he appears to be living at home. It might take some time before he’s in a position to live independently. Shouting abuse at his mother mightn’t be the best move at this stage. Not good advice.

splinter65 · 03-11-2019 12:01pm

mr_fegelien wrote: »

I'm bisexual and my extended family (aunts, cousins) abroad who would definitely not approve of it. Hell, my mother explicitly said she would "rather die" than see me with another man.

Is it worth cutting my family completely when I move out? I know a lot of LGBT people would say that they're family disapproved and came around to it but my family has subtly though explicitly made clear many times that they wouldn't approve of me being gay/bi. I think it would **** up the family dynamics if I stayed either way so no point in being with them.

If your family decide that they no longer want anything to do with you because of your sexuality then that would be them cutting themselves off from you rather then the other way round,
You have the right to be who you are and they also have the right to disapprove of your lifestyle. It happens all the time. It’s not always to do with sexuality it could be politics, your choice of life partner, religion....
The main thing is for you all to remain respectful of one another. In your case you are living in your mothers house so, same as always, it’s her house and her rules.
If she doesn’t want you to bring boyfriends to her house then that’s her right.
If she were living in your house then she wouldn’t have any say in who you brought in but that’s not the case.
To this end you need to put in place a plan to be living independently as soon as is feasible.
In the meantime, they’ve made themselves clear, shouting and fighting never fixed anything.

Annasopra · 03-11-2019 1:33pm

mr_fegelien wrote: »

I'm bisexual and my extended family (aunts, cousins) abroad who would definitely not approve of it. Hell, my mother explicitly said she would "rather die" than see me with another man.

Is it worth cutting my family completely when I move out? I know a lot of LGBT people would say that they're family disapproved and came around to it but my family has subtly though explicitly made clear many times that they wouldn't approve of me being gay/bi. I think it would **** up the family dynamics if I stayed either way so no point in being with them.

People change over time. Irelsnds most homophobic politician in the 1993 decrimianlisation debate had a son who eventually married a gay partner.

Dial Hard · 03-11-2019 2:32pm

Joeytheparrot wrote: »

People change over time. Irelsnds most homophobic politician in the 1993 decrimianlisation debate had a son who eventually married a gay partner.

Iirc OP is originally from West Africa, where there is a huge cultural taboo on homosexuality, so we're not really dealing with "normal" fears and issues around homophobia in this case.

OP, do your family actually know any openly gay/bi people? As in are there any neighbours/teachers/colleagues anywhere in your family's circle that they have to interact with? How they treat these people (and talk about them behind closed doors) will be very telling.

ILoveYourVibes · 03-11-2019 10:58pm

mr_fegelien wrote: »

I'm bisexual and my extended family (aunts, cousins) abroad who would definitely not approve of it. Hell, my mother explicitly said she would "rather die" than see me with another man.

Is it worth cutting my family completely when I move out? I know a lot of LGBT people would say that they're family disapproved and came around to it but my family has subtly though explicitly made clear many times that they wouldn't approve of me being gay/bi. I think it would **** up the family dynamics if I stayed either way so no point in being with them.

If your family are west African well its different. I am not going to be overly pc or the other extreme denigrate your culture.

But you seem to have a foot in two different worlds. If you understand.

I might not have the same expectations for your mother. She might come to accept it to some point though given time.

I have a feeling you will need to be very forgiving of her if you want her around long term.

I know people will say i am wrong. But sometimes people do need to be put in their place sometimes when it comes to your boundaries that includes your own family.

Your mothers ideas are just downright wrong. Her suggesting she would rather be dead than have a gay son is childish theatrics. Its not on. I would be telling her i would not stand for it.

wiggle16 · 04-11-2019 2:57pm

You have mentioned a number of times elsewhere on boards that your parents are West African. This is something that you really should have mentioned in your OP because it is relevant to your issue.

I'm gay myself but I would never tell someone they should cut themselves off from their family just because they are not accepting from the get-go - it's usually the family who cut contact anyway - and I don't really see why you're considering it. I assume you're not talking hypothetically here. Surely cutting yourself off from your family is more hassle to deal with than getting on with your life and letting them deal with how they feel about it?

Many parents need a bit of time and space to get their head around it when their child tells them they're gay or bi etc, whether they are accepting or not. For anyone to expect instant acceptance is quite self-involved, IMO. In the case of your parents, you know that they are from a different culture to the one you were reared in and you know that their attitudes reflect that. I'm certain you knew they would likely react this way. Their reaction is not nice, but you're expecting too much from them so soon after telling them.

Right or wrong, they are not going to instantly drop a prejudice they have held all their lives. That's not realistic.

As far as I recall from your circumstances, you're not really in a position to move out and cut yourself off from them either. And I don't think you should, nor do I think you need to. Just talk to them about it, keep talking about it, and give them time. They may never come around to it but if you don't give them the chance then they never will.

mr_fegelien · 05-11-2019 4:42pm

wiggle16 wrote: »

You have mentioned a number of times elsewhere on boards that your parents are West African. This is something that you really should have mentioned in your OP because it is relevant to your issue.

I'm gay myself but I would never tell someone they should cut themselves off from their family just because they are not accepting from the get-go - it's usually the family who cut contact anyway - and I don't really see why you're considering it. I assume you're not talking hypothetically here. Surely cutting yourself off from your family is more hassle to deal with than getting on with your life and letting them deal with how they feel about it?

Many parents need a bit of time and space to get their head around it when their child tells them they're gay or bi etc, whether they are accepting or not. For anyone to expect instant acceptance is quite self-involved, IMO. In the case of your parents, you know that they are from a different culture to the one you were reared in and you know that their attitudes reflect that. I'm certain you knew they would likely react this way. Their reaction is not nice, but you're expecting too much from them so soon after telling them.

Right or wrong, they are not going to instantly drop a prejudice they have held all their lives. That's not realistic.

As far as I recall from your circumstances, you're not really in a position to move out and cut yourself off from them either. And I don't think you should, nor do I think you need to. Just talk to them about it, keep talking about it, and give them time. They may never come around to it but if you don't give them the chance then they never will.

I understand. They are from East Africa not West and actually in regards to cutting them off, they're making me sign a family contract with a few rules and regulations.

GingerLily · 05-11-2019 7:56pm

mr_fegelien wrote: »

I understand. They are from East Africa not West and actually in regards to cutting them off, they're making me sign a family contract with a few rules and regulations.

I think you should expand on the second point if you'd like advise on your situation.

ILoveYourVibes · 05-11-2019 8:11pm

mr_fegelien wrote: »

I understand. They are from East Africa not West and actually in regards to cutting them off, they're making me sign a family contract with a few rules and regulations.

I think you need to start taking action so you can be independent. I understand that can take years etc. But some families make it easier to be an adult child living at home and some make it impossible. Its the luck of the draw unfortunately.

If you cannot right now. Make plans to do so in the future.

But they call the shots right now. And they are using that power in a very revealing way.

seamus · 07-11-2019 5:31pm

mr_fegelien wrote: »

they're making me sign a family contract with a few rules and regulations.

Just to pick this up - whatever this thing is, it's bull****. Just because they call it a "contract" doesn't mean it is anything but symbolic. It has no legal power over you.

"Mr fegelien agrees to hand over all his savings if he ever breaks these rules" has no legal power. If you are an adult, you have the right to privacy and autonomy, even from your parents, and even if you're living in their house.

My advice here would be to sit on your sexuality until you move out. Ideally you shouldn't have to, but living at home is a precarious situation.

Make plans. Ensure that when you do move out, you achieve indepedence as soon as possible. Independence is the state where you have the means to cover your own food and rent for the foreseeable future. Finding a couch to sleep on for a month is not independence.

Once you are settled and independent, then you can start planning to come out to them. Or not. You might find that with your independence you can quite comfortably be yourself and express your sexuality, and just keep a lid on it at home.

There is no one-size-fits-all approach here. In most cases like yours, someone will come out to their family, the family will be angry and crazy, but one or both parents will eventually come around.

In a small number of cases, one or both parents (or another relative) will get violent and hurt someone.

You know your family best, you know how they'll react. If telling them is likely to get you (or someone else) hurt, then perhaps removing them from your life is the best course of action.

pinkyeye · 13-11-2019 11:18pm

Just to add, am I right in saying OP depends on their parents for busfare and medication? Am I right?

isohon · 18-11-2019 6:10pm

OP,

I'm not aware of your background, as others here appear to be. I'll address what you have posted in this thread, but obviously you'd need to consider what I say in light of your full situation.

Each person knows themselves and their situations best, so I can't say conclusively either that it is best that no one ever cut off contact with family members, or that one should do so in any situation where your parents are hostile to ones life.

For me, I am always in favour of binding people together, and being slow, extremely slow, in deciding one is finally done with anyone.

Establish independence. Live your life in a way that you feel is dignified and honourable. When you are in a position to sustain yourself, be honest with those you love. Do not expect miraculous conversions when you do so. Do not accept their rejection (should it happen) as a valid estimation of your worth either. Continue to communicate but not in a way that validates hate. Be always ready, with your door unlocked for when they come to you in need, or with friendly intentions, but be ready to occasionally say 'you know I'd love to come, but if you are just going to use the time to make me feel terrible I don't think it would be good for me or for us'.

Remember too that your actions do not merely affect yourself, or those who are directly interacting with. There may be others in your family who need, or may grow up to need your example. Even if it goes badly, those who need you will remember your dignity when it comes to it. You may help make things much easier for the next generation, and that is worth doing well.

The best of luck.

Edit:

Just to note this is coming from a gay person who spent a long time torturing themself over telling family. I did and its been pretty good.

Cut out homophobic family members?

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