Hen Do - Groom's input?

irish_goat · 28-10-2019 11:44am #1

Hi all, fiancé having her hen do this weekend and casually asked if I had something organised as it's traditonal for the groom to do something.

Been reading online and I can't see any suggestion of what this might entail...Thinking maybe she means I fire the bridemaids a few quid for a few bottles of prosecco. Or does she mean a present?

Any help appreciated...

banie01 · 28-10-2019 11:47am

Its not traditional IMO, but in the age of social media promulgation of ideas

Its quite common.

My Mrs' Maid of honour organised a Mr and Mrs style quiz sheet and contacted me for the answers.

irish_goat · 28-10-2019 11:52am

banie01 wrote: »

My Mrs' Maid of honour organised a Mr and Mrs style quiz sheet and contacted me for the answers.

Done a video with the maid of honour for that already, so I'm covered there at least.

banie01 · 28-10-2019 12:22pm

irish_goat wrote: »

Done a video with the maid of honour for that already, so I'm covered there at least.

That would be as far as I'd go then other than perhaps a round of drinks or a few bottles of bubbly on you

Best of luck with the wedding.

jlm29 · 28-10-2019 4:10pm

I don’t think anyone would say it’s a tradition. I don’t think I’ve ever been at a hen where there was anything from the groom other than the answers to the mr & Mrs questions

Addle · 28-10-2019 4:22pm

You think right OP.
A bottle of champagne/Prosecco or a bouquet to be presented to your bride to be in front of all her friends so you can be praised by everyone.

skallywag · 28-10-2019 4:40pm

I know that this is getting more and more common, but if it was me I would certainly not want any involvement at all from my OH, and would say leave it be.

That said if she has asked you what you are doing then I guess the onus is now on you to do something!

El_Duderino 09 · 28-10-2019 6:05pm

I’ve never heard of it as a tradition. Traditions are there to be enjoyed and It sounds like you never heard of this “tradition” either so it doesn’t seem like you’d stand to enjoy it.

I just told my mrs to enjoy herself with her family and friends. That was the sum total of my input to her Hen night.

Do the traditions you actually want to do around your wedding. Otherwise you’ll be dragged from pillar to post trying to satisfy every “tradition” just for the sake of it.

Abel Ruiz · 28-10-2019 6:08pm

Addle wrote: »

You think right OP.
A bottle of champagne/Prosecco or a bouquet to be presented to your bride to be in front of all her friends so you can be praised by everyone.

Is this the way it is now????
So the groom can get plaudits?

How about leave the bride and her friends/family to plan the hen?

Addle · 28-10-2019 6:11pm

Abel Ruiz wrote: »

Is this the way it is now????
So the groom can get plaudits?

How about leave the bride and her friends/family to plan the hen?

She has planned his ‘surprise’. She asked about it, but won’t let on she did to her friends/family when it arrives.

Don’t disappoint her OP after she brought it up!

El_Duderino 09 · 28-10-2019 6:16pm

Addle wrote: »

She has planned his ‘surprise’. She asked about it, but won’t let on she did to her friends/family when it arrives.

Don’t disappoint her OP after she brought it up!

Surprise? Oh here, we seem to be talking about a whole different level of marriage stuff here. I can safely say I don’t know about this stuff. I just left my mrs to arrange her hen which was a night out with her aunts and some friends. I didn’t bother with a stag. Just got some mates together for pints. Apart from that we just organised the messing and got married. No surprises, no unwritten rules, no funny business.

I’m not in a position to give any advice on all this stuff so probably disregard my post above.

splinter65 · 28-10-2019 6:22pm

Abel Ruiz wrote: »

Is this the way it is now????
So the groom can get plaudits?

How about leave the bride and her friends/family to plan the hen?

I think Addle is being a bit sarcastic. Some bride somewhere in Ireland was watching either an episode of KUWTK or one of the soaps etc and saw a hens party where the groom sent pizza or fizzy wine or something and it was “soooo emotional” . This bride then instructed the groom to do the same and now it’s de rigeur.
Just more cookie cutter wedding business.
That is all.

Abel Ruiz · 28-10-2019 6:25pm

Addle wrote: »

Don’t disappoint her OP after she brought it up!

Do disappoint her op. This sounds so childish.

How about do something nice and romantic for her, when it's only the two of you before the wedding?
Not just to impress her friends.
Is it a competition? And she has to prove her hubbie-to-be is the bestest?

Addle · 28-10-2019 6:31pm

I’m in my late 30s now, so my friends are all long hitched and the bottle of champagne/flowers gift from the groom was very popular on the hens I was going to around 10 years ago.

Nekarsulm · 28-10-2019 6:34pm

Bung them four bottles of cheap fizz, that's your involvement over.
(Apart from picking them up from the train/bus/whatever)

Anne_cordelia · 28-10-2019 6:49pm

Addle wrote: »

I’m in my late 30s now, so my friends are all long hitched and the bottle of champagne/flowers gift from the groom was very popular on the hens I was going to around 10 years ago.

Same scenario here and I’ve never heard of any input from the groom into the hen including 10yrs ago when I was on the circuit.

Addle · 28-10-2019 6:52pm

Really? I’d have thought it was commonplace.
When it’s done once in a group, probably then has to be matched or bettered.
When it’s never encountered, then everyone is in ignorant bliss!

Anyways, she asked about it, so she’s expecting something.

nice bit of green · 28-10-2019 9:14pm

You could find out what venue they’ll be in at a certain time once they’ve all had a good few drinks. Organize with the bridesmaid to get the bride to be out of the room for a few minutes. You come in, do a striptease to show the rest of them what a lucky girl she is and you’ve done your bit.

splinter65 · 28-10-2019 10:54pm

Abel Ruiz wrote: »

Do disappoint her op. This sounds so childish.

How about do something nice and romantic for her, when it's only the two of you before the wedding?
Not just to impress her friends.
Is it a competition? And she has to prove her hubbie-to-be is the bestest?

That’s about the size of it. The whole wedding shtick is one big long game of oneupmanship.

banie01 · 29-10-2019 9:12am

Addle wrote: »

l!

Anyways, she asked about it, so she’s expecting something.

And now is as good as time as any to learn a life lesson in not always getting what one wants.
Expectation management if you will.

El_Duderino 09 · 29-10-2019 9:26am

Addle wrote: »

She has planned his ‘surprise’. She asked about it, but won’t let on she did to her friends/family when it arrives.

Don’t disappoint her OP after she brought it up!

In my relationship, bringing something up isn’t the end of the matter, it’s the start of the chat. Otherwise I’d bring up BJs 4 times a day.

If she wants something, it should at least involve a discussion about all the normal things like, what, why and what’s the budget. Maybe everyone else is loaded, but I have a budget. And ultimately it’s all my and my wife’s collective money. So when she organised her hen with our pooled money, she organised what she wanted within the budget she set. That’s the end of it as far as I’m concerned.

I would certainly say ‘no’ to this.

solerina · 29-10-2019 6:30pm

irish_goat wrote: »

Hi all, fiancaving her hen do this weekend and casually asked if I had something organised as it's traditonal for the groom to do something.

Been reading online and I can't see any suggestion of what this might entail...Thinking maybe she means I fire the bridemaids a few quid for a few bottles of prosecco. Or does she mean a present?

Any help appreciated...

First I heard of it !!!! Since when has this become common ?

anewme · 29-10-2019 7:22pm

solerina wrote: »

First I heard of it !!!! Since when has this become common ?

it must be getting more common. There was a different thread on After Hours yesterday with the exact same topic.

skallywag · 29-10-2019 7:25pm

anewme wrote: »

it must be getting more common.

It certainly is, I am hearing about this myself more and more from friends and acquaintances.

I personally find it annoying and would file it away in the same folder as Engagement Party.

Scarinae · 29-10-2019 8:23pm

Maybe just ask her what she is expecting? Or if you want to be less direct about it, ask what the grooms did for her friends' hen parties so you have an idea what she's fishing for.

jlm29 · 29-10-2019 8:34pm

Scarinae wrote: »

Maybe just ask her what she is expecting? Or if you want to be less direct about it, ask what the grooms did for her friends' hen parties so you have an idea what she's fishing for.

Or ask her what she’s doing for your stag and plan accordingly

irish_goat · 30-10-2019 11:08am

Scarinae wrote: »

Maybe just ask her what she is expecting? Or if you want to be less direct about it, ask what the grooms did for her friends' hen parties so you have an idea what she's fishing for.

I spoke to her sister and turns out her groom-to-be had left a few quid at the restaurant for prosecco, so I've fired her some money for the same.

My stag do is the weekend after so will be interesting to see if the gesture is returned. I imagine it will, tbh.

banie01 · 30-10-2019 11:11am

anewme wrote: »

it must be getting more common. There was a different thread on After Hours yesterday with the exact same topic.

I'm fairly sure the AH thread took its cue from this thread.

hots · 30-10-2019 11:33am

irish_goat wrote: »

I spoke to her sister and turns out her groom-to-be had left a few quid at the restaurant for prosecco, so I've fired her some money for the same.

My stag do is the weekend after so will be interesting to see if the gesture is returned. I imagine it will, tbh.

I think it's getting more common for a few bottle of something or a round etc. from groom to bridesmaid/zillas.... Never heard of it coming the other way though. I've been forewarned myself with a few mentions of "X bought us all a round at Ys hen, that was lovely"

El_Duderino 09 · 30-10-2019 11:50am

irish_goat wrote: »

I spoke to her sister and turns out her groom-to-be had left a few quid at the restaurant for prosecco, so I've fired her some money for the same.

I can’t help notice the language used around money. To “fire” money at someone kinda sums up the attitude to money in Ireland and the wedding industry is delighted with people “firing” money around the place without even thinking about it.

Maybe I’m different in that I don’t have money to fire, fling or throw. I only have money to spend depending on budget. This is probably a bit off topic.

Mango Joe · 30-10-2019 11:58am

God people get so narcissistic and painful around weddings and it's all encouraged along the way so they lose every shred of perspective and common sense entirely and don't even realise how far they gone over to the "me me me me me" side.

OP basically every female your other half has ever spoken to is heading out to suck on plastic willies for the night.

You need to be seen to be marking this wonderful event solemnly and respectfully so she can draw attention to it in front of her peer group and "one-up" several of her recently married friends who are complete b1tches who just want to see her fail.

anewme · 30-10-2019 12:25pm

Is this forum not to ask for advice on Weddings and topics around Weddings.

There are plenty of other forums populated with the "bitches" "women bashing" mantra that it is a shame to see it creeping into every forum.

Leaving a few bob behind the bar for a round for the Hens is hardly extravagant, yet people here are making out like the OP is like a millionaire throwing money around.

Maybe you took it up wrong that you had to arrange some activity OP, because leaving a few bob behind the bar for a round is not really an activity but rather a gesture that has gone on for years. Some may call it good manners or etiquette.

I'm not married but I have often been away and in the times that I have missed Birthdays, Weddings Parties etc, I have often rang the bar and booked a round of drink. I find people appreciate it and take the gesture in the way it's meant.

Some people read too much into things. Not everything is a persecution complex by the "Bitches" out to get you.

two wheels good · 30-10-2019 1:32pm

anewme wrote: »

Is this forum not to ask for advice on Weddings and topics around Weddings.

There are plenty of other forums populated with the "bitches" "women bashing" mantra that it is a shame to see it creeping into every forum.

Leaving a few bob behind the bar for a round for the Hens is hardly extravagant, yet people here are making out like the OP is like a millionaire throwing money around.

Maybe you took it up wrong that you had to arrange some activity OP, because leaving a few bob behind the bar for a round is not really an activity but rather a gesture that has gone on for years. Some may call it good manners or etiquette.

I'm not married but I have often been away and in the times that I have missed Birthdays, Weddings Parties etc, I have often rang the bar and booked a round of drink. I find people appreciate it and take the gesture in the way it's meant.

Some people read too much into things. Not everything is a persecution complex by the "Bitches" out to get you.

I didn't detect any "woman-bashing" in the thread and you're the first to mention bitches. So you may be one reading too much into things.

Firing money about to satisfy some recently adopted convention is worth questioning I'd say. Particularly when it seems to involve more alcohol consumption.

anewme · 30-10-2019 1:44pm

two wheels good wrote: »

I didn't detect any "woman-bashing" in the thread and you're the first to mention bitches. So you may be one reading too much into things.

Firing money about to satisfy some recently adopted convention is worth questioning I'd say. Particularly when it seems to involve more alcohol consumption.

Read the post above mine for clarity on the wording used. It references "Bitches" and implies all women want is to judge others and to suck on a stupid willie straw (but at the Grooms expense).

Also, leaving a few quid behind the bar for a party/event is not some "recently adopted convention".

It's been going on years as others have pointed out.

There is no indication from the OP that they are going on an alcohol fuelled bender and that leaving a couple of bottles of fizzy Prosecco is going to be a serious issue. People are adults and can control their own alcohol consumption at an event. The Groom paying for a couple of bottles of bubbly should not lead to a serious risk due to alcohol.

Iodine1 · 30-10-2019 2:03pm

It is more absolute nonsense, associated with weddings. So hens, heading off to some far place and now need more drink supplied? They're not even married and they're drawing off the poor sod for this that and the other, just because someone else had it, and now dress it up as tradition. I'm here trying to think of something else I could sell at a wedding fare? What about cup cakes with bride and groom initials in the icing? Must be worth €9 each? What! it's been done already? Must be a tradition so.

Sir Guy who smiles · 30-10-2019 2:13pm

banie01 wrote: »

And now is as good as time as any to learn a life lesson in not always getting what one wants.
Expectation management if you will.

Just before the wedding, which she is spending every waking moment planning and thinking about? An excellent time to teach his fiancée how to deal with small upsets and disappointments in a calm manner.

I couldn't see that backfire on him in any possible way.

eviltwin · 30-10-2019 2:20pm

Sir Guy who smiles wrote: »

Just before the wedding, which she is spending every waking moment planning and thinking about? An excellent time to teach his fiancée how to deal with small upsets and disappointments in a calm manner.

I couldn't see that backfire on him in any possible way.

TBH if you're only finding out at the hen or stag stage that your intended is someone with these sorts of aspirations then there's little hope

Wildly Boaring · 30-10-2019 2:51pm

It is not a "Tradition"

This week is the first I've heard of it.

Wife reckons she's never heard of it.
She's early 30s and been to God knows how many hens.

Not too many pints bought by the bride-to-be on stags either.

Typical wedding industry nonsense - inventing "traditions" since deBeers in 1939

missmatty · 30-10-2019 2:52pm

I've not heard of it either and been to lots of hens the last ten years, including my own. The Mr & Mrs quiz, yes.

JustMe,K · 30-10-2019 3:01pm

I think it depends on the couple, I have been to a few hens in the last couple of years and the groom had provided some form of drinks. For one, we all met in the brides house and were getting a bus from there and the groom had arranged a few bottles of prosecco, another the groom had paid the wifes portion of the night out, and another the groom had bought mini Jaeger bottles for everyone that was going to put in a goody bag. Yes, goody bags seem to be a thing.

irish_goat · 30-10-2019 3:18pm

The fiancé wouldn't be the narcissistic type or care for putting it all over FB/instagram. I think she just likes the idea of me making some sort of effort for her day.

As for the alcohol aspect, they'd be drinking wine at dinner regardless of whether or not I buy it.

qwerty13 · 31-10-2019 1:48am

irish_goat wrote: »

The fiancé wouldn't be the narcissistic type or care for putting it all over FB/instagram. I think she just likes the idea of me making some sort of effort for her day.

As for the alcohol aspect, they'd be drinking wine at dinner regardless of whether or not I buy it.

Tbh, I think you’re wrong about that. If all she cared about was an ‘effort’, then she wouldn’t have told you to make a public display. And zero question, you were very much being ‘told’ to make a public display.

31-10-2019 7:22am

This is why I hate hen parties

Hal3000 · 31-10-2019 7:29am

banie01 wrote: »

And now is as good as time as any to learn a life lesson in not always getting what one wants.
Expectation management if you will.

Solid advice here. One can’t always get what they want - Jagger
.

CelticRambler · 31-10-2019 8:28am

irish_goat wrote: »

The fiancé wouldn't be the narcissistic type or care for putting it all over FB/instagram. I think she just likes the idea of me making some sort of effort for her day.

I'm an old fogey in these matters, but the "tradition" of a hen night is that it's her last chance to do whatever she likes while pretending you don't exist. Kinda hard to justify making some sort of effort under those circumstances ...

(P.S. are you not going to be making some sort of effort by turning up for the wedding ... ?

)

Hoboo · 31-10-2019 8:34am

CelticRambler wrote: »

I'm an old fogey in these matters, but the "tradition" of a hen night is that it's her last chance to do whatever she likes while pretending you don't exist. Kinda hard to justify making some sort of effort under those circumstances ...

(P.S. are you not going to be making some sort of effort by turning up for the wedding ... ? )

Tradition of a hen night for knackers maybe. What happens on bleedin tour wha!

skallywag · 31-10-2019 1:23pm

irish_goat wrote: »

...I think she just likes the idea of me making some sort of effort for her day...

Nothing at all wrong with doing ones best for the big day, but that is the wedding in my book at nothing to do with the groom having to participate in the hen.

My two cents would be that some of her buddies have had the same at their hens and she is worried about the tuttutery aspect should you not act in the same way.

31-10-2019 2:06pm

El_Duderino 09 wrote: »

I can’t help notice the language used around money. To “fire” money at someone kinda sums up the attitude to money in Ireland and the wedding industry is delighted with people “firing” money around the place without even thinking about it.

Maybe I’m different in that I don’t have money to fire, fling or throw. I only have money to spend depending on budget. This is probably a bit off topic.

I totally agree with you, I find it crass

Faith · 31-10-2019 7:14pm

qwerty13 wrote: »

Tbh, I think you’re wrong about that. If all she cared about was an ‘effort’, then she wouldn’t have told you to make a public display. And zero question, you were very much being ‘told’ to make a public display.

I suspect the OP knows his fiancée a touch better than internet strangers do.

Mod note: All, if you can’t resist attacking a person you don’t know at all (i.e. the bride in question, who is likely a completely lovely person) then don’t bother posting. If I see ANY further references to women as “bitches”, I will immediately get the ban hammer out. This is your only warning on that, thanks.

cazzer22 · 01-11-2019 5:12pm

I think things have gotten increasingly more crazy where weddings are concerned. OP, i'm sure she would appreciate a personal card in her bag that she can read when she's on the hen. If you'd like to buy a round of drinks, by all means, but there's no pressure. You do you.
I didn't even realise this was the new thing tbh, but Instagram and other social media outlets, are fuelling all this pressure. Simple, elegant and fun occasions are the best. No fuss.

Hen Do - Groom's input?

Comments