Remarks about my partner

Justhere2021 · 10-05-2021 11:10am #1

Hi guys, just need to vent a bit and probably looking for advice on how to handle it. Just to preface this by saying I realise this isn't a serious problem but I just find it a bit irritating or draining at time. I've been with my partner for a couple of years, she's very outgoing and probably doesn't always have much of a filter....not in a mean way, as in she's never rude to anyone but maybe is a little looser than some people are when you first meet them. I'm more reserved and quieter in nature I guess.

Anyways, tbh I don't really notice that she's that "different" if she is, maybe I'm just used to her or maybe it's just my own world view, I'm a bit of a just let everyone be what they are sort of person but some of my friends, family, work colleagues have passed remarks over the years and it's just unsettling me a bit at the minute. For example someone recently said to me "God how did you end up with her?" and over the weekend someone said "I can see how you'd need to know people before you'd bring her along" ....I know there's probably no harm in the comments and it's probably to do with the difference in personality between us but it's just getting to me a bit lately I guess.

YellowLead · 10-05-2021 11:16am

It sounds like your gf has some personality traits that irk others, rightly or wrongly. Clearly they don’t irk you and you are what matter here.

What do you say back when people pass comments? Maybe you should say something like - ‘you don’t know her very well, she’s a sweet heart underneath’.

I think it’s rude to make comments about other peoples partners like that - but I suppose if it’s people close to you who are doing it then it’s probably only because they care about you and clearly she is a little hard work to be around for them.

Tork · 10-05-2021 11:25am

It's hard to read what's going on here. You're obviously happy enough with her as she is and it's only other people's comments that are making you think. On the other hand, I find it strange that people would make comments about her to you unless there was a good reason. Most of us grin and bear it when we're in the company of partners we don't like. It makes me wonder if all these people can see things wrong that you can't? Are they a bit concerned for you? When you're in the middle of things you don't always see the wood from the trees.

Jequ0n · 10-05-2021 11:40am

Is it a specific group of people who feel the need to comment, for example more traditional or old fashioned people?

That would really piss me off if I were you

Justhere2021 · 10-05-2021 11:41am

I kind of just pass it off like she has no filter but that's part of her charm isn't it. To be fair no one seems to think she's rude or anything because she genuinely never says anything that would hurt anyone's feelings. She's probably just a little louder than some people are and makes jokes (usually about herself) but that maybe some people wouldn't make in the first time or two of meeting someone. The same person that passed the last comment also said she's hilarious but there's just something about the comments that unsettles me.....like you said Tork a I being completely oblivious? I just feel uncomfortable when the comments are made, on one side I'm angry because I think the people making them are somewhat rude and judgemental and on the other side I'm just like am I just not seeing it

10-05-2021 11:44am

If someone passed comments like that about a partner of mine I would just reply 'yeah but (s)he is not judgemental about people and doesn't pass comments about others'
And smile so sweetly at them. Cheeky feckers

eviltwin · 10-05-2021 11:56am

Justhere2021 wrote: »

I kind of just pass it off like she has no filter but that's part of her charm isn't it. To be fair no one seems to think she's rude or anything because she genuinely never says anything that would hurt anyone's feelings. She's probably just a little louder than some people are and makes jokes (usually about herself) but that maybe some people wouldn't make in the first time or two of meeting someone. The same person that passed the last comment also said she's hilarious but there's just something about the comments that unsettles me.....like you said Tork a I being completely oblivious? I just feel uncomfortable when the comments are made, on one side I'm angry because I think the people making them are somewhat rude and judgemental and on the other side I'm just like am I just not seeing it

If your friends are like you, quiet and a bit reserved, then meeting someone so vastly different can be a bit strange and disconcerting. Sometimes its hard to know when someone is being genuine or taking the piss.

They don't have to like her or her manner but equally you don't have to put up with negativity from them. Unless she is saying something that is crossing a line or is outright rude to your friends then they need to have respect for the relationship and keep their opinions to themselves.

Justhere2021 · 10-05-2021 11:57am

Thanks bubblypop, good advice.

Hmmm I guess most of the people who pass comment are a little more on the traditional side. Like even some of my partner's own friends would describe her as a free spirit so maybe some people who are more conservative don't know what to do with that.

bitofabind · 10-05-2021 11:58am

Why don't you ask them what they mean? The next time someone comments, ask them "what do you mean by that?"

Justhere2021 · 10-05-2021 12:01pm

eviltwin wrote: »

They don't have to like her or her manner but equally you don't have to put up with negativity from them. Unless she is saying something that is crossing a line or is outright rude to your friends then they need to have respect for the relationship and keep their opinions to themselves.

Fair point, thanks eviltwin. I think the same, I'm just like wtf? Lol

Tork · 10-05-2021 12:02pm

If you think her outspokenness is part of her charm, then that's the end of the matter isn't it? It doesn't matter if she's a giant pain in the arse and nobody else likes her. You're the one who loves her and chooses to be in a relationship with her.

Thelonious Monk · 10-05-2021 12:40pm

I've seen "I've no filter" being used as an excuse for being really annoying and impolite in the past though.
If you like how she is that's all that matters though.

Justhere2021 · 10-05-2021 1:28pm

Thelonious Monk wrote: »

I've seen "I've no filter" being used as an excuse for being really annoying and impolite in the past though.
If you like how she is that's all that matters though.

Yeah I do get what you're saying, to be fair she isn't rude or hurtful, I'd be the first to say it if she was but maybe she irks people, she must do I guess

Tork · 10-05-2021 1:47pm

Does she take over conversations or make snide remarks disguised as humour?

qwerty13 · 10-05-2021 2:10pm

How does she get along with her own family and work colleagues? You mentioned that her own friends have remarked on her personality, which seems a bit unusual! It’s also quite unusual that even your work colleagues have said stuff about her.

Does she talk incessantly? Does she interrupt people, or talk an awful lot about herself? Does she have certain things that she feels very strongly about, and can’t let the topic go with people? Does she bring up topics too soon that people find too personal - religion / attitudes about kids or marriage / politics?

There’s obviously something about her that a considerable number of people find hard to deal with. It probably isn’t that her behaviour is abrasive, going by what you’ve said - but is it somehow inappropriate?

tara73 · 10-05-2021 3:33pm

to add to the poster above, can you give one or two examples how she's behaving or what she said when people made this remarks? It is a bit concerning that different people from different areas who don't know each other are reacting in the same way and mentioning it to you that directly.

It's a bit hard for us to give real advice if we don't know what she's doing exactly. And you said she's never rude so you must have heard what she said when others made this comments to you.

I think there's a chance here she could act or indeed be insulting when you are not around. Or would you say you are standing by her side all the time, listening to what she's saying constantly?

LegacyUser · 10-05-2021 10:15pm

You've said repeatedly she's not rude. The comment "how did you end up with her" is extremely rude. Passing neg comments on any friend's significant other is inappropriate. I hope you stood up for your gf maybe she's not 100% of the issue. If you're happy to take people as you find them and your relationship lasted years happily if she rubs others up wrong way it's insignificant. You can't please all people all the time.

qwerty13 · 10-05-2021 10:42pm

Thelonious Monk wrote: »

I've seen "I've no filter" being used as an excuse for being really annoying and impolite in the past though.
If you like how she is that's all that matters though.

Just on this - ‘no filter’ can also mean no appropriate boundaries in what she says, and I wondered if the ‘free spirit’ comment might be getting at the same thing, ie no appreciation for convention. Does she have very set ideas, or principles that she feels passionately about, that she’ll keep talking about in order to convince people?

To give you a small example from my life: a woman who is vegan that is a friend of a friend - I’m never going to be vegan, but I did think she had valid points about where you buy meat, and she was probably right about having more plant based food. But she used to do this at family BBQs. And all she did was turn people off with her preaching. So she didn’t ‘read the room’. Is it possible that your partner is like this?

Until you give examples OP, it’s hard to know what to make of it. But as mentioned by another poster, the diverse groups of people feeling the same way would give me pause for thought - and I think it’s really unusual for them to be so open to you about their views.

leggo · 10-05-2021 11:03pm

Tough one.

On one hand, the only times I’ve ever had friends make comments like this to me, hindsight has shown me they were trying to warn me to giant red flags they spotted that I was blind to and I came to eventually agree with their viewpoint.

It IS rude to do...which is why if friends who’d never make those kind of comments do it, I take it seriously because they see it as big enough to kinda break that boundary. And I can think of two exes who were similar in being a bit full-on and ignoring boundaries when I’d introduce them to people: one realised I was en route to breaking up and tried to latch onto friends & family to pressure me not to. The other would try bitch about me to friends and spread weird, false rumours as if she was trying to turn them against me. Both times it happened, it was pretty poisonous behaviour and the warnings turned out to be justified.

But that’s just my own experiences. It could be a multitude of things really: maybe you’re a bit naive OP and people feel like they need to look out for you, maybe your friends walk over you a bit and see this new partner as a threat to that...could be anything really, we don’t have a lot to go on. But there’s something wrong with this, one way or another, so I’d get to the bottom of it if I were you.

qwerty13 · 11-05-2021 12:25am

Leggo said it far better than me.

It’s obviously bothering you. You loving the person doesn’t necessarily make the relationship ‘right’, or enough. The volume of - and very direct - comments makes me feel that this isn’t simply a situation where a few friends or family don’t click with your partner.

My advice would be to examine why this scenario has occurred, and (as you can’t change your partner’s personality) whether you can live with it - and what that means for future interaction with your friends and family.

Justhere2021 · 11-05-2021 11:36am

Hi guys, sorry I'm only getting a chance to reply now, was working all day yesterday. Thank you for all the replies. Just trying to answer some of the questions or comments. No I'm not with her every minute that we are in company of course but I really doubt she is being rude when I'm not there, she'd usually be the first to call someone out on something like that.

In terms of examples, one night about a year ago we were out in another city and my partner got chatting to these girls at the bar who were on a hen night. She came back to the group wearing one of the hairband props from the hend party, which prompted one of the group to say "She's f87king mad". The person who said "How did you end up with her?" and "I can see why you would need to know people before you'd bring her along" are the same person. They have only met my partner 3 times, although they are friends on social media. My partner does love having the craic and would be the first up singing or dancing at a karoake. My sibling tends to take the p@ss out of her at times, although does it to her face and not behind her back. For the most part it seems to be banter but occasionally it does seem a bit scathing, although she's well able for it. My partner is not as well educated as most of the people I am surrounded by (although that is not through her own choosing, she had an extremely difficult upbringing). Her siblings have significant addiction/mental health/anger problems and she has kind of broken away and forged a better life for herself, although she does try to be there for them as much as she can. Sometimes I think it is an element of snobbery, particularly with my sibling, who likes to think they are open minded but my partner's life is so far removed from my sibling's reality I think they probably struggle with it at times. That's just my take on it, doesn't mean I'm right.

My partner is very outgoing and not reserved and I get that some people might find this too much. She also gets excited about the little things in life, some people might find that silly but I suppose I get it because I understand what she has come from. Anyways I guess I just find the comments rude and hurtful and I guess I need to get better at handling them.

Thanks again for the replies everyone.

shesty · 11-05-2021 11:40am

A once-off remark from a friend about a partner, I would dismiss as quite rude.
But several people passing remarks on a partner at different times - that would be a red flag to me. And it's making you think OP, for whatever reason.

You might like her with yourself, but there may come a time when you start to worry about what she is going to say in public or whatever - maybe at a work do or something. She may be doing it from nerves, maybe just not reading her audience, maybe just not thinking - I suppose ask yourself is this something you see as being ok for the future, if you intend to stay together? I'm not saying go break up with her as a result of these few remarks, but maybe have a think about whether you are ok with this long-term around friends and family. And also if the people who made these remarks would usually say nothing, I would be questioning this aspect of things alright. It usually would take a LOT for someone to pass a remark on a friend's partner, never mind a few people to say it.

hawley · 11-05-2021 11:46am

This sounds like a class issue as much as anything else. Would I be right in saying that all your friends are better educated than her? It seems like they're looking down their noses at her and probably don't feel that comfortable being around her.

Jequ0n · 11-05-2021 11:57am

Doesn’t sound like your partner is the problem here..
Does this judging circle also tend to comment on others who fall short of their expectations?

December2012 · 11-05-2021 1:22pm

In my opinion people who "have no filter" are either rude or don't have very good social cues. And sometimes say things that are actually a bother to other people.

leggo · 11-05-2021 1:47pm

I'd also be leaning towards them maybe picking up something you're not. Considering it's from multiple different sources and you see EVERY case as "my partner did absolutely nothing wrong." If it was a couple of specific people who were regularly bitchy...fair enough, it's probably on them. But it's the exact same feedback coming both your friends and siblings.

Look OP, ultimately if you're happy then carry on and go with your own judgement of events. I just wouldn't be falling out with anyone about this and taking their observations on the chin. If you want to push back and tell them to mind their own business, that's fair. But I've just found that I've come around to agreeing with friends' comments around ex-partners in previous times to discard them altogether. That said, I have good friends who know their limits and know when their observations are/aren't welcome so I'd trust them. So unfortunately OP it's really up to yourself here to weigh all those various factors up. Without being there or seeing her through our own eyes and not coloured with your perspective, we can't give you any valuable insight, just a guide on how we weigh these kind of situations up ourselves.

Justhere2021 · 11-05-2021 2:28pm

leggo wrote: »

I'd also be leaning towards them maybe picking up something you're not. Considering it's from multiple different sources and you see EVERY case as "my partner did absolutely nothing wrong." If it was a couple of specific people who were regularly bitchy...fair enough, it's probably on them. But it's the exact same feedback coming both your friends and siblings.

No, I never said or at least didn't mean that my partner does nothing wrong in EVERY case, all I said was that I had not seen her being rude. I do acknowledge that she is very outgoing and maybe this is too much for some people. Anyways maybe you're right that some people see something that I'm not picking up on, maybe that is the case or maybe it is partly some people's notion of "class" as another poster pointed out. I appreciate that it's difficult for people here to decide as you are seeing if through the lens of my perspective. I appreciate everyone's responses and opinions all the same and take them into account.

qwerty13 · 11-05-2021 5:53pm

I wouldn’t necessarily find it that mad that your GF got talking to others on a hen night - especially not if you were out with a gang of your friends. However, if I was out with her on my own and she kept having chats to randomers, I wouldn’t be impressed - I would find that really rude, to be left twiddling my thumbs. So a lot of it is down to context. If she disappears to talk to others during a meal, or for half an hour, then I’d find that very rude too.

There’s also the question of whether randomers want their night out invaded by someone they don’t know. Anything more than a 2 minute chat would be enough for me.

Maybe people are picking up on something in that area - there’s being outgoing, and there’s also ignoring who you’re actually out with - and being presumptuous enough to land into someone else’s night out. That’s all I can think of - maybe that’s not even close!

Tork · 11-05-2021 10:21pm

If you're a reserved sort of person, maybe you're living vicariously through her? She mightn't be rude but there are people who are a bit too much. Is she one of those people who's always "on"?

The DayDream · 11-05-2021 10:29pm

Next time they ask how you ended up with her
reply that she's just as wild and unreserved in the sack as she is in conversation. That should put the matter to rest.

Big Bag of Chips · 12-05-2021 6:49am

My husband is a very different personality to me. I'm pretty sociable whereas he is more 'odd'! He wouldn't be very comfortable in social situations. If my friends call to our house he tends to potter off somewhere doing something. Not rude, but not exactly friendly either. But that's who he is.

We're together over 20 years and in over 20 years a handful of people would have made somewhat similar comments. These people would be very close to me, would know me very well and would see my husband regularly enough. Comments like "you're very different", "how did you end up together" etc.

To be honest, up to now I never once took these comments to be negative!! I know we're very different. I know people probably do wonder how two very different personalities have stuck it out for over 20 years

I sometimes think similar looking at some of my friends and their husbands!

Maybe your friends just mean it in a way that you are both very very different. But people can be different and still fit well.

Maybe the next time someone says something ask them what they mean. They might not mean it as negatively as you are thinking.

TheW1zard · 12-05-2021 7:10am

Shes nice once you get to know her sort of thing is it?

Ash.J.Williams · 12-05-2021 7:18am

I think I understand this now after the op explanation, I’ve probably been there myself, you come from a certain type of clique and she from another , and what’s perceived as normal in her world is absolutely mental to others and vice versa, I bet you’ve thought to yourself “I wonder what a wedding would be like with the two families “

The words “end up” are usually very offensive and nasty to be fair, and used against someone who’s probably just being themselves

Would I correct in saying the acquaintance who said that has a stable pensionable job , steady family life has a hobby and really f*k all else ?

lawred2 · 12-05-2021 7:58am

YellowLead wrote: »

It sounds like your gf has some personality traits that irk others, rightly or wrongly. Clearly they don’t irk you and you are what matter here.

What do you say back when people pass comments? Maybe you should say something like - ‘you don’t know her very well, she’s a sweet heart underneath’.

I think it’s rude to make comments about other peoples partners like that - but I suppose if it’s people close to you who are doing it then it’s probably only because they care about you and clearly she is a little hard work to be around for them.

Jesus don't say that. That's practically tacit agreement.

Simply ask them "what do they mean?" And watch them squirm. They won't be so rude again. .

12-05-2021 7:58am

Went through the same with my brother when he moved to the same city, and I know this because I also incorrectly said he was "very sociable".

One person saying something is rude, but many people saying something is serious. If one of these people has only met her three times, what you mean to say is "She talks too much." I thought it was great when he got here and chatted so much with my groups of friends, because I knew what he was talking about, and he's my brother. But the comments starting coming in from entirely different groups and I started to see for myself. Talking incessantly about himself and mundane topics, casually insulting other people including myself, and imagining his own traits in others and criticising them.

What you're hearing now from these people are the warnings that you're going to stop getting invited to these things soon if she continues to dominate and disrupt conversations. It happened to me as he was a plus one, and now I never invite him anywhere either because once he gets his opening, the conversation is gone. He met my girlfriend once and managed to needlessly insult her and not even try to learn anything about her. He just droned on about bitcoin, work, and then he bitched about how our mum talks too much on the phone. My girlfriend has spoken to my mum on Viber a good bit and pointed out the irony that he would say that.

Big Bag of Chips · 12-05-2021 9:08am

Just to add, OP, my husband would have been asked similar questions over time about how he ended up with me. I took this to mean he is a very lucky man, because I'm a delight

bitofabind · 12-05-2021 9:54am

This is classism. Your family / friends aren't used to being around someone less educated, who has an unconventional family background and likely was raised in a different neck of the woods that they think is unsavoury, and her loud and gregarious personality just highlights these things and makes them uncomfortable. Someone like your girlfriend is a bit confronting to people who think they are "well to do" and they likely are thinking that you "can do better".

I know this all sounds a bit Jane Eyre and is a bit harsh OP, but I've seen this so many times before. Lots of people see classes and define themselves by their education and where they live / what they and their family does for a living / where they were raised especially when you reach middle / upper middle classes. In my experience this may become a more pointed issue when/if you get to the stages of meeting families, getting married etc. But your friends / family will just get used to it, if you choose to turn a blind eye to their comments and call them out if they keep with the questioning ("how did you end up with yer wan?" "What does that mean?")

12-05-2021 10:01am

I love people saying it's classism as if only well-educated people can have manners and social skills.

Jequ0n · 12-05-2021 10:22am

[Deleted User] wrote: »

I love people saying it's classism as if only well-educated people can have manners and social skills.

On the contrary.
There are people who will look down on whoever doesn’t fit their world view. My own family are pure scum but this is hidden under a facade of prestige and wealth. Anything that differed from their ideals was looked down on. Not every higher class family will display attitudes like that, but some do. Likewise some working class families might look down on the perceived rich and fancy who never did a day of hard work.
I’m sure the OP can decide if anything said on thread applies to them

Ash.J.Williams · 12-05-2021 10:30am

Deleted User wrote: »

I love people saying it's classism as if only well-educated people can have manners and social skills.

Classism isn’t about manners it’s about snobbery

Justhere2021 · 12-05-2021 10:32am

I definitely think there is a certain element of that to be honest, as much as my siblings and their partners like to think they are open-minded and non-judgemental there has been certain little comments when their guard has dropped that makes me think otherwise. The more I think about it I do think there's a certain element of what bitofabind has said. @Bigbagofchips I actually laughed out loud out your last reply....I'm sure my girlfriend would say the same lol.

12-05-2021 10:35am

OP's description of all of this clearly makes the woman out to be a forceful presence in a social setting. These people can be from any walk of life. I don't know what world you're living in where you think class is a plausible reason multiple people from multiple groups, including her own friends, have commented on how she behaves in social settings. OP being blind to it is much more plausible.

Anyways, no matter. I see OP has moved from thinking people are rude for sharing their thoughts to taking the easy way out and saying it's because they're classists. Next time OP, try to take a rough estimate of how long she speaks compared to everyone else and see if it's more than average, and see if it impacts conversation. That should give an indicator.

lawred2 · 12-05-2021 10:52am

Deleted User wrote: »

OP's description of all of this clearly makes the woman out to be a forceful presence in a social setting. These people can be from any walk of life. I don't know what world you're living in where you think class is a plausible reason multiple people from multiple groups, including her own friends, have commented on how she behaves in social settings. OP being blind to it is much more plausible.

Anyways, no matter. I see OP has moved from thinking people are rude for sharing their thoughts to taking the easy way out and saying it's because they're classists. Next time OP, try to take a rough estimate of how long she speaks compared to everyone else and see if it's more than average, and see if it impacts conversation. That should give an indicator.

Better yet OP - get a stopwatch and measure her contributions accurately. No point bringing subjectivity into this.

qwerty13 · 12-05-2021 10:53am

I don't think it’s fair to jump to the conclusion that it’s because your friends, family, work colleagues and her friends are snobs. If she was a loud brash socialite, do you not think she’d be judged too? If anything, I’d say that it is often considered more socially acceptable to be harsh on someone like that.

Maybe she’s wired differently, maybe in her family everyone is like her. I’m not sure that anyone is right or wrong here - just incompatible. Maybe she finds your circle as stiff and boring as they find her OTT. So I guess it comes down to whether you can live with the knowledge that a number of your circle have an issue with her. You could ask her to tone it down a bit, but I imagine she might be hurt by that. I guess the alternative is to carry on as you are, and hope that there isn’t a heated exchange of views about it in the future, or that invites start falling away.

Justhere2021 · 12-05-2021 11:00am

Deleted User wrote: »

OP's description of all of this clearly makes the woman out to be a forceful presence in a social setting. These people can be from any walk of life. I don't know what world you're living in where you think class is a plausible reason multiple people from multiple groups, including her own friends, have commented on how she behaves in social settings. OP being blind to it is much more plausible.

Anyways, no matter. I see OP has moved from thinking people are rude for sharing their thoughts to taking the easy way out and saying it's because they're classists. Next time OP, try to take a rough estimate of how long she speaks compared to everyone else and see if it's more than average, and see if it impacts conversation. That should give an indicator.

That's not what I said if you read back over the messages. I said that I do wonder and think there is a certain element of that attached to it. It's a bit hard to ignore that completely when as I said a few messages ago my sibling has made some scathing comments dressed up as banter on occasion. I also acknowledged that maybe I don't see her the same way some other people do and that I acknowledge that if she has a louder personality that some that that may be irritating to people. When I'm acknowledging points made by posters it doesn't have to be an either-or situation, it just means that I'm acknowledging the points made from both sides of the argument and seeing if they apply to the situation.

Just to clarify her own friends have called her a free spirit, I wouldn't necessarily consider that a negative thing and when it was said it didn't seem to have negative undertones.

Anyways thanks for the advice, I'll see on average of much she speaks the next time we're in company.

Justhere2021 · 12-05-2021 11:03am

lawred2 wrote: »

Better yet OP - get a stopwatch and measure her contributions accurately. No point bringing subjectivity into this.

Stopwatch and all!

:D

Big Bag of Chips · 12-05-2021 5:20pm

Are these comments being made negatively, OP? You mention that your friend made a comment but followed it up by saying she's very funny. People commenting on her might not be pointing out what they perceive as faults. That would be just plain rude. Perhaps they are just pointing out differences between you.

I take it you're quieter? Maybe more reserved? So it might be natural that people would point out that you're very different. I think lots of people are unlikely to point out the faults of a friend's partner. They might talk behind your back! But are unlikely to put her down in front of you. One close friend might speak to you and ask if you're happy etc. But I think if many people are commenting on her then it's not in a negative sense. It's just an observation.

If it is negative, then you have a lot of very rude people in your life!