My sister is physically and mentally abusing my parents - I need advice

AmyMaria2019 · 19-03-2019 6:45pm #1

Hi, my sister was living in Australia for over 10 years and struggled for many years with drug and alcohol abuse. Doctors diagnosed her with a personality disorder which made it difficult for us to help her, one minute she would plead we would come over to bring her home and the next she would be telling us to leave her alone, even though she would ring all family members and our places of work on a daily basis, drunk and incredibly abusive. We would receive disturbing messages/ pictures showing her self harm and intention to kill herself. After my mum, dad and I had all went to Australia on 7 different occasions my sister came home on the promise that she would go to rehab and get help. One year on and she is drinking 1 and a half to 2 litres of vodka a day and is mentally and physically abusing my parents who are both in their 60s. My dad has had two black eyes and a minor stroke in the last three months alone. I am living away from home but she has been physically violent towards me on two occasions, with the main incident when she shut my mum in to the back kitchen to beat her and i tried to pull her off and she dragged me to the floor, beat me, pulled a chunk of my hair out and tried to pull back my fingers to break them. I have went to my doctor to record the injuries on the advice of the Guards but my mum said she will disown me if i press charges. I know my parents are trying to hide the extent of the violence from the rest of the family but both of our neighbours have witnessed my sister hitting my dad, screaming at all hours of the morning and even barricaded herself in the family home and threatened to burn the house down.

Due to her personality disorder, when she visits her doctor she lets on everything is fine and that she can do the detox at home. My dad has spoke to her doctor also and expressed how she is self harming and is a danger to herself and others but apart from referring her to get detoxed, there does not seem like many other options are available. She went to a counselor and left after 5 minutes and told them to F off essentially. My mum is totally controlled by her and the new thing is that she is pinching my parents and twisted mums ear to make her do or say what she wants and also to harm them in places where we will not see the injuries.

The guards have been out to the house on several occassions and press the safety and protection order. My mum is against this as i feel she is totally worn down by my sisters constant abuse and is terrified of the consequences when she gets a court summons. I have gone to Al Anon, Womens Aid and AMEN to try get advice on whats the best way forward so that my mum and dad can be safe in there no home but i honestly feel like i am pushing against the wind and no matter how much we offer support and kindness to my sister, she does not want to give up alcohol.

If anyone has been in a similar situation i would appreciate your advice on what may have worked for you

Walter Bishop · 19-03-2019 6:56pm

Your parents are going to have to press charges and/or get a barring order against her, it doesn't seem like any other course of action will suffice here. Alternatively, see if you can get her sectioned on mental health grounds.

If she assaults you again, get the Guards back and have her charged. Again, barring order.

https://www.hse.ie/eng/services/list/4/mental-health-services/dsc/what-should-i-do-if-i%27m-worried-about-someone-close-to-me-.html

What if I believe the person is in real danger?

In certain circumstances, where a real danger to the person (or others) exists, and it is considered in the best interest of the person that they are admitted to hospital, and they won't go voluntarily, the Mental Health Act can be used to detain and treat a person without their consent.
There are limited circumstances in which this can be used and very clear procedures that must be followed.
Click here for further information and guidance on this process provided by the Mental Health Commission. If this is used, the person living in our catchment will most likely be brought to Tallaght or St James's Hospital depending on where they live.
Involuntary Admission is considered a last resource. The service will make every effort to avoid involuntarily detaining anybody. However if it is warrented we will try to minimise distress to everybody involved and will try to ensure the involuntary admission is for the shortest duration possible.
If there is some reason it is impossible for a relative or friend to be an applicant, there are certain members of staff who are Authorised Officers. They can make an application for involuntary admission.

leggo · 19-03-2019 9:44pm

Such a tough call, and very easy for me to say, but I’d personally press charges anyway and risk being disowned. Ultimately their safety is at risk, your father has had a stroke because of this like. She needs intervention and to feel consequences for her actions, and as an alcoholic she sounds like she needs to fully bottom out before even considering help. Even if she goes to prison (she likely won’t), the choice your parents will be left with is to disown you and lose two daughters or forgive you and keep one. If you’ve got an otherwise good relationship, I’d back the latter happening. But again it’s easy for me to say and you’d understand the variables better. Good luck and I’m sorry you’re all going through this.

AmyMaria2019 · 19-03-2019 9:54pm

leggo wrote: »

Such a tough call, and very easy for me to say, but I’d personally press charges anyway and risk being disowned. Ultimately their safety is at risk, your father has had a stroke because of this like. She needs intervention and to feel consequences for her actions, and as an alcoholic she sounds like she needs to fully bottom out before even considering help. Even if she goes to prison (she likely won’t), the choice your parents will be left with is to disown you and lose two daughters or forgive you and keep one. If you’ve got an otherwise good relationship, I’d back the former happening. But again it’s easy for me to say and you’d understand the variables better. Good luck and I’m sorry you’re all going through this.

Yes I totally agree she hasn't bottomed out yet and has no intention to quit because her life is too comfortable at the moment and she punishes my parents until she gets her way. It's a tricky route to try and get her sectioned as she puts on a full show anytime she is assessed by doctors and acts completely normal and then we get death threats when we have to pick her up from hospital. The court order seems to be the last resort but I see the judge can impose fines if she breaches the order which will mean my parents will have to bail her out once again. Will continue to stay positive and hope there is a turning point soon. Thanks for your help

wiggle16 · 20-03-2019 12:55pm

Press charges. Absolutely press charges. Don't even think about dropping them.

Once you've done so, call the HSE and try to get her sectioned. Do it over and over again if you have to. Your parents are not being rational about this, they are being intimidated and cowed by your sister. Their opinion of what needs to happen is no longer relevant - they will come around.

I'm sorry you're going through this, there is little worse than being at the mercy of someone else's pathology, especially when the entire system seems to be set up to enable them.

Do whatever you need to do to get her out of your life. There's alcolholism, and there's personality disorders.... and then there's this.

Good luck OP

wiggle16 · 20-03-2019 1:02pm

Once you've done so, call the HSE and try to get her sectioned.

Im sorry I didnt see you'd already tried this in your reply. Keep trying.

Emme · 20-03-2019 2:01pm

OP press charges. Do you want maimed or dead parents who haven't disowned you or ok parents who have? It sounds like an extremely difficult and toxic situation. A worst case scenario would be a murder-suicide.

If your parents are enabling your sister you are as well to try and help from a distance (as you are) but don't get sucked right in. Your sister AND your parents need help.

maxsmum · 20-03-2019 4:20pm

[QUOTE=

https://www.hse.ie/eng/services/list/4/mental-health-services/dsc/what-should-i-do-if-i%27m-worried-about-someone-close-to-me-.html[/QUOTE]

You can't 'section' someone if their diagnosis is personality disorder or addiction issues, that's not mental health grounds i.e. she's responsible for her behaviour. So Gardai are only option. Most people don't realise this. Best of luck OP.

20-03-2019 4:25pm

hmmm. Know personally a case very similIar to the OP's! Glad I found this thread. It certainly is a very tricky area.

My own two - cent: Maybe it has been mentioned previously OP, but do try to get in touch with Age Action about your parents situation. Good Luck.

Sardonicat · 20-03-2019 4:30pm

Maybe contact social services and ask to speak to older person's social worker.

20-03-2019 4:34pm

My friend spoke to the guards about their predicament: The guards treat the offending individual as if they are committing something. Importantly, the guards were helpful because their parents are elderly.

AmyMaria2019 · 21-03-2019 10:27am

[Deleted User] wrote: »

hmmm. Know personally a case very similIar to the OP's! Glad I found this thread. It certainly is a very tricky area.

My own two - cent: Maybe it has been mentioned previously OP, but do try to get in touch with Age Action about your parents situation. Good Luck.

Yes, dad is 65 in September and we can report as abuse of the elderly. Hopefully the violence stops before then and before it's too late. I am going home this weekend for a visit and going with my dad to court on Wednesday to apply for the safety and protection order. All hell could break loose but I cant sit back and do nothing.

Sardonicat · 21-03-2019 10:51am

Best of luck with it. If you witness her abuse when home straight away pick up the phone to the guards, regardless of what your folks say. I havr family have a similar member. Nothing like the boys in blue for softening that kind of cough.

Rachiee · 21-03-2019 4:02pm

Unfortunately she is not sectionable. all a safety order will do will make her actions an offence punishable by fine or imprisonment but it will be up to your parents to see that this is enforced, so they will need a lot of support and encouragement to do so.
The family support network Ireland have some groups for parents of children with drug addiction which may be worthwhile checking out.
Re social work involvement I'm not 100per cent sure but you may not have to wait til your dad is 65 it is worth giving the safeguarding team a ring and explain the situation they may accept an early referral

My sister is physically and mentally abusing my parents - I need advice

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