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Bullied A Boy At School

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  • 22-11-2019 4:28pm
    #1
    hawley
    Registered Users Posts: 1,215 ✭✭✭


    Myself and a group of friends gave a boy a bit of a hard time in secondary school. It was a long time ago now, am in my early forties, but was listening to something on radio about a guy who called to the house of someone who he bullied to apologize for his behavior. He lives abroad now but I know that he comes home every Christmas. I'd like to catch up with him and just make sure that he was okay with it. He was a loner in school and wasn't sporty, he was an easy target for us.

    Some of the things we did to him were cruel when I think back on it now. We threw him into a dustbin, constantly used his coat to wipe up the floor, threw his bags and books out the windows, beat him up a few times, told everyone that he was gay, had a few nicknames for him. We basically tried to isolate him. I just want to know if it had any effect on him and to say sorry if it did.


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    #2
    Tangatagamadda Chaddabinga Bonga Bungo
    Registered Users Posts: 3,009 ✭✭✭Tangatagamadda Chaddabinga Bonga Bungo


    Maybe a message that asks something simple like how is everything going for him. If the conversation flows from that, and you go on to meet in person, then it could be appropriate to say some words about school.

    It completely depends on the person. I just wouldn't be too forward about wanting to show you are sorry.


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    #3
    Heres Johnny
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,738 ✭✭✭Heres Johnny


    hawley wrote: »
    Myself and a group of friends gave a boy a bit of a hard time in secondary school. It was a long time ago now, am in my early forties, but was listening to something on radio about a guy who called to the house of someone who he bullied to apologize for his behavior. He lives abroad now but I know that he comes home every Christmas. I'd like to catch up with him and just make sure that he was okay with it. He was a loner in school and wasn't sporty, he was an easy target for us.

    Some of the things we did to him were cruel when I think back on it now. We threw him into a dustbin, constantly used his coat to wipe up the floor, threw his bags and books out the windows, beat him up a few times, told everyone that he was gay, had a few nicknames for him. We basically tried to isolate him. I just want to know if it had any effect on him and to say sorry if it did.

    Nice idea, but I'd say leave sleeping dogs lie.
    If you do say it to him, make sure it's genuine and make sure it's in private and you are on your own, don't outnumber him.
    He might knock lumps out of you either.


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    #4
    zapper55
    Registered Users Posts: 684 ✭✭✭zapper55


    It's none of your business if it had any affect on you. You are thinking about yourself rather than him.

    If you are determined to contact him I'd apologise for being a dick and leave it at that. You dont deserve anything else from him.


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    #5
    Pac1Man
    Registered Users Posts: 4,394 ✭✭✭Pac1Man


    Is this apology for his sake or for yours though?

    Dragging up those horrific memories may be the last thing he needs to be honest.


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    #6
    hawley
    Registered Users Posts: 1,215 ✭✭✭hawley


    zapper55 wrote: »
    It's none of your business if it had any affect on you. You are thinking about yourself rather than him.

    If you are determined to contact him I'd apologise for being a dick and leave it at that. You dont deserve anything else from him.

    I do feel guilty about it, so that is true. He is living in America now and we don't cross paths too often. I still see his parents in town and ask after him. They don't know about bullying. I'd just like to make him feel better about it too.


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    #7
    SusieBlue
    Registered Users Posts: 8,029 ✭✭✭SusieBlue


    Yeah it isn't appropriate for you to ask what kind of effect, if any, it had on his life.
    If you were as nasty as you say you were to him he won't want anything to do with you and won't entertain it anyway.

    I would sent him a message on social media, saying something along the lines of:

    Hi ___,

    I know I'm probably the last person you'd expect to hear from, but I wanted to get something off my chest.
    I've been reflecting on my childhood lately and feel a lot of regret & embarrassment over how I treated you. I was nasty and cruel and you didn't deserve to be bullied by me.
    I want to sincerely apologise for any hurt or upset I may have caused you. I'm truly sorry for what I have done.
    I don't expect a reply to this message but I wish you all the best for the future.

    Hawley

    That message conveys your regret without being overly intrusive or expecting too much of the recipient.


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    #8
    Sunny Disposition
    Registered Users Posts: 2,712 ✭✭✭Sunny Disposition


    Realistically that kind of bullying must have had a negative effect on him. All you can do is apologise now, I bet he would be glad to have you apologise and it might be quite helpful to him.


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    #9
    Sunny Disposition
    Registered Users Posts: 2,712 ✭✭✭Sunny Disposition


    Maybe get the guy’s number and call him OP? Probably your best option if he is in the States and it’d be less tense than meeting him face to face at Christmas.


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    #10
    wiggle16
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 3,022 Mod ✭✭✭✭wiggle16


    SusieBlue wrote: »
    Yeah it isn't appropriate for you to ask what kind of effect, if any, it had on his life.
    If you were as nasty as you say you were to him he won't want anything to do with you and won't entertain it anyway.

    I would sent him a message on social media, saying something along the lines of:

    Hi ___,

    I know I'm probably the last person you'd expect to hear from, but I wanted to get something off my chest.
    I've been reflecting on my childhood lately and feel a lot of regret & embarrassment over how I treated you. I was nasty and cruel and you didn't deserve to be bullied by me.
    I want to sincerely apologise for any hurt or upset I may have caused you. I'm truly sorry for what I have done.
    I don't expect a reply to this message but I wish you all the best for the future.

    Hawley

    That message conveys your regret without being overly intrusive or expecting too much of the recipient.

    100% the above.

    I was picked on in school and while I wouldn't particularly want contact from any of those lads, if I was sent something like the above I could appreciate where they were coming from and would say okay and bury the hatchet - because people grow up, and life is too short. Any response though would be for their sake entirely, I'd get little from it.

    If they were to approach me in person or call me I wouldn't like that in the slightest. It puts the person on the spot and they have to come up with a response there and then and that's not right.

    If you do anything, send the above message via email or something. Otherwise leave it.


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    #11
    shutup
    Registered Users Posts: 507 ✭✭✭shutup


    zapper55 wrote: »
    It's none of your business if it had any affect on you. You are thinking about yourself rather than him.

    If you are determined to contact him I'd apologise for being a dick and leave it at that. You dont deserve anything else from him.

    Great post.
    Say sorry but don’t ask about effects. In fact asking him that **** now would make you as bad now as you were back then.


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    #12
    heretochat
    Registered Users Posts: 533 ✭✭✭heretochat


    As someone who was mercilessly bullied at school, with the treatment including but not limited to what you did to this chap, I would suggest stay away from him. I doubt he cares a jot whether you are sorry for what you did to him or not. An apology would not mean a thing to him at this point in his life and you would only be doing it to make yourself feel better.

    And I doubt his parents would engage with you either if they knew what you had done.

    Bullying can have life long detrimental effects on a person, believe me I know. I would never engage with any of those who tormented me and would have no interest in an apology.


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    #13
    hawley
    Registered Users Posts: 1,215 ✭✭✭hawley


    wiggle16 wrote: »
    100% the above.

    I was picked on in school and while I wouldn't particularly want contact from any of those lads, if I was sent something like the above I could appreciate where they were coming from and would say okay and bury the hatchet - because people grow up, and life is too short. Any response though would be for their sake entirely, I'd get little from it.

    If they were to approach me in person or call me I wouldn't like that in the slightest. It puts the person on the spot and they have to come up with a response there and then and that's not right.

    If you do anything, send the above message via email or something. Otherwise leave it.

    Thanks, I might send a card to his home at Christmas. Part of the reason behind it was the homophobia that was present in Catholic schools and in society at the time. I know that he's a bit annoyed by it because my friend is a friend of his brother. I know that he reported us to the principal too. I'll apologize for all the stuff that went on. If I don't hear from him that's fine, I just want to clear my conscience over it all. I know he wasn't very popular in school but he has had a good life since then. It hasn't stopped him from getting a good job and he seems to have a good social life on Facebook.


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    #14
    cannotlogin
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,172 ✭✭✭cannotlogin


    When you were bullying him, it was more about you than him.

    Any attempt at any apology now, will also be more about you than him.

    It's kind of egotistical to think that he needs your apology or that it will benefit him in anyway.


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    #15
    heretochat
    Registered Users Posts: 533 ✭✭✭heretochat


    hawley wrote: »
    I just want to clear my conscience over it all.

    As I thought - more for your own benefit than his. Leave him alone. As you said he has had a good life despite the torment you and the other bullies subjected him to so leave him be


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    #16
    IAMAMORON
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 9,078 ✭✭✭IAMAMORON


    Unless he wants to meet with you I would not go near it op.

    Victims of bullying mature very fast, your victim has been free of your crap for over 20 years now. He will have forgotten most of it, for real.

    You are only curing your own conscience. Grow a pair and get on with it. Everyone does stupid shít in our teenage years that we all regret. You are a different person now, bringing it up again will potentially stress him out and wreck his head. He is home for Christmas to visit his family and loved ones, you should not be interfering with that.

    It is highly likely that his parents have told him they met you in the street and that you ask for him. He has more than likely explained to them exactly what he thinks of you and why.


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    #17
    Rubberchikken
    Registered Users Posts: 5,083 ✭✭✭Rubberchikken


    a close family member who experienced bullying would, i lnow, not be willing or interested in an apology from their tormentor.

    i feel your wanting to apologise to this man is for your benefit.

    the best revenge is living well and i think this man has lived up to that.


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    #18
    hawley
    Registered Users Posts: 1,215 ✭✭✭hawley


    IAMAMORON wrote: »
    Unless he wants to meet with you I would not go near it op.

    Victims of bullying mature very fast, your victim has been free of your crap for over 20 years now. He will have forgotten most of it, for real.

    You are only curing your own conscience. Grow a pair and get on with it. Everyone does stupid shít in our teenage years that we all regret. You are a different person now, bringing it up again will potentially stress him out and wreck his head. He is home for Christmas to visit his family and loved ones, you should not be interfering with that.

    It is highly likely that his parents have told him they met you in the street and that you ask for him. He has more than likely explained to them exactly what he thinks of you and why.


    A lot of it was caused by homophobia. It's not present in society anymore but it was there twenty five years ago. We were as much a victim of it as many others. We were controlled by the church. I don't think it would have happened otherwise. I just want to explain that to him. I was involved in campaigning for marriage equality, I want to let him know that I've changed. If he can accept the apology, it'd be good for both of us.


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    #19
    eviltwin
    Registered Users Posts: 17,495 ✭✭✭✭eviltwin


    hawley wrote: »
    A lot of it was caused by homophobia. It's not present in society anymore but it was there twenty five years ago. We were as much a victim of it as many others. We were controlled by the church. I don't think it would have happened otherwise. I just want to explain that to him. I was involved in campaigning for marriage equality, I want to let him know that I've changed. If he can accept the apology, it'd be good for both of us.

    Oh please, don't make yourself a victim. Plenty of us in our 40s grew up in the same society and didn't choose to be bullies.

    You had a choice not to be cruel to another person, you had a choice not to partake, you had a choice to stop but you didn't. If you don't want to take full responsibility for this then don't contact him.


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    #20
    wiggle16
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 3,022 Mod ✭✭✭✭wiggle16


    hawley wrote: »
    A lot of it was caused by homophobia. It's not present in society anymore but it was there twenty five years ago. We were as much a victim of it as many others. We were controlled by the church. I don't think it would have happened otherwise. I just want to explain that to him. I was involved in campaigning for marriage equality, I want to let him know that I've changed. If he can accept the apology, it'd be good for both of us.

    With all respect Hawley:

    1) You were not a victim of homophobia. You were participating in homophobic bullying.

    2) If you apologise to someone it should be unreserved. If you're going to be contacting someone to excuse your behaviour, then no - drop it and don't contact them.

    3) I've experienced homophobic bullying and discrimination - if someone approached me trying to make excuses for how they treated me in the past - and to boot, said that it made them a victim of it too - I'd go through them for a shortcut. I'd rather not hear it.

    If that's how you feel about it I would strongly encourage you to rethink your approach to the matter, because it indicates that you do not understand the suffering you will have caused this guy when he was a kid or how insulting that statement is. And that applies whether he was gay or not.

    A real apology does not need qualification. Leave him alone and find some other way to deal with your feelings.


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    #21
    IAMAMORON
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 9,078 ✭✭✭IAMAMORON


    hawley wrote: »
    A lot of it was caused by homophobia. It's not present in society anymore but it was there twenty five years ago. We were as much a victim of it as many others. We were controlled by the church. I don't think it would have happened otherwise. I just want to explain that to him. I was involved in campaigning for marriage equality, I want to let him know that I've changed. If he can accept the apology, it'd be good for both of us.

    I remember a really camp guy in our year in school. He is 100 % now and I know him well. Every time he would walk into class everyone would screech " weeeeeeeee" and blow whistles etc. He got over it.

    You cannot blame the church on your bullying either, no way Jose, that is not a good enough excuse, at all. The church never threw your victim into a bin or wiped the floor with his jacket.....

    Victims of bullying will have reconciled your behaviour with them long ago. As I said you need to grow a pair and get on with it.


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    #22
    zapper55
    Registered Users Posts: 684 ✭✭✭zapper55


    Ringing him is a terrible terrible idea. Your voice could bring him straight back to what sounds like a ****ty time in his life.

    Maybe he went to the States to get away from the likes of yourself and start afresh.

    Your subsequent responses are very arrogant. You havent considered at all how he might feel hearing from you now. I was in that guys shoes, though to a lesser degree and I wouldn't want to hear from those losers now.

    Leave him be. And live with the guilty instead of trying to unload your feelings onto him.


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    #23
    Tangatagamadda Chaddabinga Bonga Bungo
    Registered Users Posts: 3,009 ✭✭✭Tangatagamadda Chaddabinga Bonga Bungo


    I'm not sure your apology will be in good faith OP. I think you need to reevaluate your attitude towards this first.

    Please be non intrusive to the guy in question. If you want to get it off your conscience then write to him.


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    #24
    Call me Al
    Registered Users Posts: 3,020 ✭✭✭Call me Al


    hawley wrote: »
    A lot of it was caused by homophobia. It's not present in society anymore but it was there twenty five years ago. We were as much a victim of it as many others. We were controlled by the church. I don't think it would have happened otherwise. I just want to explain that to him. I was involved in campaigning for marriage equality, I want to let him know that I've changed. If he can accept the apology, it'd be good for both of us.

    Many (dare I say most) of us here who were teenagers in the 80s attending catholic schools and with devout families succeeded to not bully others including those who were gay amongst us, so I'm sorry but that line doesn't cut it with me and it likely wont with him.

    You've turned your life around and good for you. But don't delude yourself into thinking he has any need for concern as to how you've turned out. If you say sorry then do so and leave it at that, but it is for your benefit and your benefit alone. Don't assume that his acceptance of your apology will help him feel in anyway better. He doesn't owe you forgiveness, and its his prerogative to dislike you until the day he leaves this earth. You're not a victim.

    You also need to ask yourself how you'll feel if he slams the metaphorical door of in your face and lets rip at you.


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    #25
    KaneToad
    Registered Users Posts: 3,175 ✭✭✭KaneToad


    heretochat wrote: »
    As I thought - more for your own benefit than his. Leave him alone. As you said he has had a good life despite the torment you and the other bullies subjected him to so leave him be

    I have to agree with this. Tough sh1t if it's on your conscience, you were the one who did the bullying so you should suffer the guilt. An apology to him now isn't going to do anything for him.


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    #26
    bitofabind
    Registered Users Posts: 939 ✭✭✭bitofabind


    The damage is done and that lad probably matured and developed compassion a lot quicker than the lot of you.

    I don’t believe that sort of level of bullying and physical assault is “kids will be kids” stuff but it’s good that you feel guilt and shame about it all. Use those feelings to live a value led life now. If you have kids, teach them compassion and kindness, pull them up on bad behaviours in as impactful a way as possible. Practice kindness every day with everyone you meet. Give to charity. Look out for the vulnerable in society.

    I know people who are still dealing with the repercussions of childhood bullying decades later and the last thing in the world they’d want is contact from the source of all of those painful memories.


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    #27
    Salary Negotiator
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,148 ✭✭✭Salary Negotiator


    The guy was better off without you back in school and he’s probably better off without your selfish apology now.

    Leave him be and own the fact you were a prick in school.


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    #28
    endacl
    Registered Users Posts: 22,237 ✭✭✭✭endacl


    Slightly uncomfortable to read a thread where people have a go at someone sincerely expressing remorse and regret for past actions and the effect those actions undoubtedly had on another person.

    I’ll leave it at that.


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    #29
    Sunny Disposition
    Registered Users Posts: 2,712 ✭✭✭Sunny Disposition


    https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/articles/200207/the-power-apology

    There are genuine benefits to receiving an apology, there really is no doubt about that, even one long overdue.
    Fair play to you if you do apologise OP. One thing Id say to you is don’t assume you’ll feel better afterwards, he may tell you things that make you uncomfortable. If he does you should accept it and not defend what ye did, even though ye were quite young. He’ surely entitled to be frank with you.
    Hopefully he did get over it quite soon after it happened anyway.


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    #30
    Dial Hard
    Registered Users Posts: 13,406 ✭✭✭✭Dial Hard


    endacl wrote: »
    Slightly uncomfortable to read a thread where people have a go at someone sincerely expressing remorse and regret for past actions and the effect those actions undoubtedly had on another person.

    I’ll leave it at that.

    Most of us are questioning the sincerity, that's why.


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    #31
    Alpha_zero
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 907 ✭✭✭Alpha_zero


    Bro the regret and guilt is the price that you have to pay for what you done, and remembering it should make you feel the way you do.

    It’s something that you will have to live with, just like the guy you bullied. You want to ease that feeling instead you need to live with it, I’m sure it’s not something you do anymore and just get on with your life.


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