Writing a letter 37 years later

Mad_maxx · 05-05-2021 8:24pm

Mjolnir wrote: »

Because its accusatory in nature and as far as the law is concerned is completely unfounded. (op I'm not saying your memory is right or wrong just stating a fact)
People react poorly to accusations especially one of a criminal nature.

There would be a medical record of the injuries ,it would then be up to the accused to disprove the accusation, its not " unfounded "

There is zero chance of the OP facing sanction for writing a letter , the accused could threaten ramifications but no court would rule in their favour and the accused is not going to want to go public with this ,the OP is not shouting this in a public space, a private letter expressing how this had a profound lasting effect is something many victims of bullying have done and is not defamatory

Sounds like the OP needs closure and his gut tells him this is what must be done

ztoical · 06-05-2021 11:35am

johnmck wrote: »

I was outside my parents house , in a housing estate, in a country town , on my little tricycle . My parents knew where I was , it was the 80s. In the 80s we didn't come home from dawn til dusk . We weren't watched every second of the day. Wonderful time of my life. No phones, no computers, if I was building huts in the summer , we were collecting conkers in the autumn, or wood for bonfires around Halloween.
How dare you accuse my parents of being negligent. I had loving, caring parents and a wonderful childhood

Wonderful childhood that resulted in you losing a leg? OP if you know the person who hit you then chances are they know who you are, unless they took out a load of children in the area. If you send the letter without signing it, its likely they won't need much help figuring out who sent it and may approach you in person or their family might. Is that something you want? Is that something you are ready for mentally or emotionally? What if they tell you are wrong, that your memory of the event is incorrect? How is that going to impact on your mental health?

I'm asking what the end goal is. Are you writing the letter for your own well being, as a forum of therapy or are you writing it to achieve something and if so what? Do you want money, justice, an apology? Is the letter closure for you or the start of something?

I think you should write a letter but like many others have replied I don't think you should send it. I think it would be good to get everything down on paper then really think what it is you want to get from sending it and consider the other things that could happen from sending it that will be out of your control like how he or his family react to the letter.

Mjolnir · 06-05-2021 11:42am

Mad_maxx wrote: »

There would be a medical record of the injuries ,it would then be up to the accused to disprove the accusation, its not " unfounded "

There is zero chance of the OP facing sanction for writing a letter , the accused could threaten ramifications but no court would rule in their favour and the accused is not going to want to go public with this ,the OP is not shouting this in a public space, a private letter expressing how this had a profound lasting effect is something many victims of bullying have done and is not defamatory

Sounds like the OP needs closure and his gut tells him this is what must be done

Firstly well done on quoting something completely out of context.

Second, the accusation that the man in question hit the op is unfounded based on the memory of someone who was at the time four and decades have since passed.
No one mentioned the actual accident was unfounded or in refute.

It is not the accused responsibility to prove the did or did not do something, it is to defend their innocence. I think you'll find it is up to the plaintiff/ prosecution to prove a defendant guilty.

Again taking a post completely out of context, if youd care to read back that post was in a chain of back and forth to a user who asked why the op would do it anonymously and not stick their details in.
I never mentioned defamation, however more than one communication with an accusation could be deemed to be harassment, even if the accused wrote back asking the op not to contact them again and the op doubled down.
No one mentioned shouting out in a public sphere, you also can't speak for the accused.

I've bloody advised the op to do it if it will help him.

There's little to be gained from trying to refute a point that's been taken completely out of context and adding your own interpretation to it.

Mad_maxx · 06-05-2021 1:57pm

Mjolnir wrote: »

Firstly well done on quoting something completely out of context.

Second, the accusation that the man in question hit the op is unfounded based on the memory of someone who was at the time four and decades have since passed.
No one mentioned the actual accident was unfounded or in refute.

It is not the accused responsibility to prove the did or did not do something, it is to defend their innocence. I think you'll find it is up to the plaintiff/ prosecution to prove a defendant guilty.

Again taking a post completely out of context, if youd care to read back that post was in a chain of back and forth to a user who asked why the op would do it anonymously and not stick their details in.
I never mentioned defamation, however more than one communication with an accusation could be deemed to be harassment, even if the accused wrote back asking the op not to contact them again and the op doubled down.
No one mentioned shouting out in a public sphere, you also can't speak for the accused.

I've bloody advised the op to do it if it will help him.

There's little to be gained from trying to refute a point that's been taken completely out of context and adding your own interpretation to it.

i think i read your posts just fine and do not believe i took you out of context

its a big step for the OP to follow through and send this letter , I seriously doubt they are mistaken about who did this however which is something that has been suggested .

The only way this could erupt into a legal situation is if the person who the OP believes hit him with their car , were to launch a case , this would then expose what happened to the public , if the person is indeed guilty of doing what the OP claims , This would be a big risk on the part of the person driving the car , if they did it but want to hurt the OP , they need to go through the details of what happened and those details make the individual look like a monster , even the OP lost in court which seems highly unlikely as a private correspondence is not defamation , the reputational damage to the driver of the car would be immense.

if the OP is correct in assuming who did this to them , i doubt the other individual will report the OP to anyone

if there is even a tiny chance however that the OP is mistaken and unsure of themselves regarding who did this to them when they were a child , they should of course refrain from sending it

I once wrote a letter to a workplace bully who caused lasting harm to me over twenty years ago , they replied to me via email , i deleted the attached letter as i had no interest in their response which would likely be justification for their foul deeds , i sent them back an email telling them i would be binning the attached letter

it felt good getting it off my chest and the need to do so was burning inside me for a long time , it does not however make everything ok again and will not completely deliver justice , you still have to move on afterwards as a small percentage of people out there are just irredeemably bad people

Andrea B. · 07-05-2021 8:17pm

johnmck wrote: »

I'm thinking of writing a letter to a man who ran me down as a 4 year old. He smashed my leg and never told my parents. I almost lost my leg because of infection. My parents never knew exactly what happened to me , they just found me lying in the street crying. The only reason I remember who did it is because it came back to me after I had another injury on the same leg. Like a suppressed memory. He asked me to not say a word to my parents and if I did he would give me a toy. I've no doubt it was him as he used to speed on the road we lived in. There's more details, I won't go into that 100 percent makes him the perpetrator after I told my father. Anyway, my leg has never been right since. It has slight muscle wastage and starting to get arthritis in it. I want to let him know after all of this time , without revealing who I am, that what he done was wrong. He will put two and two together and know who has wrote to him, but I'm wondering if in any way me sending the letter would get me into any bother

Would you be ok with every possible outcome?
Are there outcomes you could regret?
If (as a wild example), the letter was straw that broke a camel's back and they were found dead clutching letter? You would be still ok?
Just saying, as your likely preferred outcome of sending letter is to make someone (justifiably,) feel ****e.

Mad_maxx · 08-05-2021 1:14am

Andrea B. wrote: »

Would you be ok with every possible outcome?
Are there outcomes you could regret?
If (as a wild example), the letter was straw that broke a camel's back and they were found dead clutching letter? You would be still ok?
Just saying, as your likely preferred outcome of sending letter is to make someone (justifiably,) feel ****e.

People like the driver in the OP,s story don't do things like commit suicide

If the person I wrote to 23 years later committed suicide, I'd be over the moon with delight, it's a fantasy however

Remorseless people don't do things like that

qwerty13 · 08-05-2021 1:41am

Mad_maxx wrote: »

People like the driver in the OP,s story don't do things like commit suicide

If the person I wrote to 23 years later committed suicide, I'd be over the moon with delight, it's a fantasy however

Remorseless people don't do things like that

You don’t know this to be true. What’s true for one person isn’t true for another. And what’s true for the stage of life circumstances for the potential letter recipient then, may not longer be true.

Putting things in writing gives it permanency. That letter could be used to show others, and create a backlash against the OP. I don’t know about a legal backlash.

IMO, if the desired outcome is legal or compensation ramifications, then an anonymous letter is a foolish way of going about it, as it will achieve nothing. If the desired outcome is ‘closure’, then the letter does not need to be given to this person - I’d suggest that writing but not sending it, and dealing with it through therapy, is a far better solution. And one with less unforeseen backlash for the OP.

Andrea B. · 08-05-2021 8:32am

Mad_maxx wrote: »

People like the driver in the OP,s story don't do things like commit suicide

If the person I wrote to 23 years later committed suicide, I'd be over the moon with delight, it's a fantasy however

Remorseless people don't do things like that

Just asking that OP should consider if they could deal with all known potential outcomes and of course, the unknowns.

Mad_maxx · 08-05-2021 11:09am

qwerty13 wrote: »

You don’t know this to be true. What’s true for one person isn’t true for another. And what’s true for the stage of life circumstances for the potential letter recipient then, may not longer be true.

Putting things in writing gives it permanency. That letter could be used to show others, and create a backlash against the OP. I don’t know about a legal backlash.

IMO, if the desired outcome is legal or compensation ramifications, then an anonymous letter is a foolish way of going about it, as it will achieve nothing. If the desired outcome is ‘closure’, then the letter does not need to be given to this person - I’d suggest that writing but not sending it, and dealing with it through therapy, is a far better solution. And one with less unforeseen backlash for the OP.

the OP has not once said they are looking for " compensation "

Mad_maxx · 08-05-2021 11:14am

Andrea B. wrote: »

Just asking that OP should consider if they could deal with all known potential outcomes and of course, the unknowns.

dont be coy all of a sudden , you made a highly inflammatory suggestion by posing the idea of the driver in the story taking their own life , its actually offensive what you wrote in that it puts a responsibility on the OP for what the driver could theoretically do , its borderline a form of gas lighting on your part

08-05-2021 4:44pm

Andrea B. wrote: »

Would you be ok with every possible outcome?
Are there outcomes you could regret?
If (as a wild example), the letter was straw that broke a camel's back and they were found dead clutching letter? You would be still ok?
Just saying, as your likely preferred outcome of sending letter is to make someone (justifiably,) feel ****e.

As in they had a heart attack from reading a letter about their own actions?

johnmck · 08-05-2021 6:00pm

Hey, look , I don't want people fighting over what I will or will not do. Don't let this create division between all of you seem to be reasonable people. My leg hasn't been feeling the best the past couple of weeks and it has been annoying me. I'm just ticked off about it. That something was done to me and it's still affecting my life so long afterwards.

I'm going to speak to my counsellor again about it. Somewhere in the middle I will find resolution to this.

08-05-2021 6:09pm

johnmck wrote: »

Hey, look , I don't want people fighting over what I will or will not do. Don't let this create division between all of you seem to be reasonable people. My leg hasn't been feeling the best the past couple of weeks and it has been annoying me. I'm just ticked off about it. That something was done to me and it's still affecting my life so long afterwards.

I'm going to speak to my counsellor again about it. Somewhere in the middle I will find resolution to this.

Your foot would feel a lot better for kicking an old driver firmly up the hole me thinks.

Sunny Disposition · 08-05-2021 8:55pm

I wouldn’t agree with writing the letter anonymously.
Why not go to the police OP, tell them everything you know and let them take it from there?

08-05-2021 8:59pm

Sunny Disposition wrote: »

Why not go to the police OP, tell them everything you know and let them take it from there?

37 years later?

lawred2 · 08-05-2021 9:07pm

beauf wrote: »

Obviously there's all sorts of wrong with that the driver did. But can he be solely responsible for an unsupervised 4yr old playing in a street, where cars were known to speed on.

I'd be interested in hearing what the legal angle of this is.

Yes.

Sunny Disposition · 08-05-2021 9:08pm

Dav010 wrote: »

37 years later?

It can’t be done any earlier than now. If that is done than there is really nothing more that can be done by the OP to get justice. He’ll have gone through the appropriate channels.
It will result in the offender being confronted by the authorities and also being confronted by his past.

johnmck · 08-05-2021 9:12pm

Sunny Disposition wrote: »

It can’t be done any earlier than now. If that is done than there is really nothing more that can be done by the OP to get justice. He’ll have gone through the appropriate channels.
It will result in the offender being confronted by the authorities and also being confronted by his past.

I asked a solicitor about it some years ago when I was talking to them about another matter. Too much time had passed

08-05-2021 9:13pm

Sunny Disposition wrote: »

It can’t be done any earlier than now. If that is done than there is really nothing more that can be done by the OP to get justice. He’ll have gone through the appropriate channels.
It will result in the offender being confronted by the authorities and also being confronted by his past.

For what? dangerous driving and leaving the scene? Not a hope

08-05-2021 9:14pm

Sunny Disposition wrote: »

It can’t be done any earlier than now. If that is done than there is really nothing more that can be done by the OP to get justice. He’ll have gone through the appropriate channels.
It will result in the offender being confronted by the authorities and also being confronted by his past.

Confronted by the memory of a 4 yr old, playing on a road, deciding after an accident not to tell his parents based on the promise of a toy, who then hobbled in a cast to a neighbours house to demand payment of the bribe/toy, who then remembered the incident after 37 yrs? Seriously?

Mad_maxx · 08-05-2021 9:49pm

lets stick to the facts of what the OP originally proposed doing

he did not suggest he wanted to go to the guards so why discuss doing that ?

if the OP decides to take a step back for now but retain the possibility of writing to the offender , i think thats a reasonable position , like i said earlier , as long as the OP has zero doubts as to the identity of the person who did this , I see little wrong with contacting this person in order to get closure

closure is hugely important after a traumatic event

johnmck · 09-05-2021 2:01am

Dav010 wrote: »

Confronted by the memory of a 4 yr old, playing on a road, deciding after an accident not to tell his parents based on the promise of a toy, who then hobbled in a cast to a neighbours house to demand payment of the bribe/toy, who then remembered the incident after 37 yrs? Seriously?

Keep drinking the soy lattes

johnmck · 09-05-2021 2:02am

Mad_maxx wrote: »

lets stick to the facts of what the OP originally proposed doing

he did not suggest he wanted to go to the guards so why discuss doing that ?

if the OP decides to take a step back for now but retain the possibility of writing to the offender , i think thats a reasonable position , like i said earlier , as long as the OP has zero doubts as to the identity of the person who did this , I see little wrong with contacting this person in order to get closure

closure is hugely important after a traumatic event

Zero doubts , unlike Mr South park Seriouusssslyyyy Dave

09-05-2021 8:51am

johnmck wrote: »

Keep drinking the soy lattes

johnmck wrote: »

Zero doubts , unlike Mr South park Seriouusssslyyyy Dave

I have no idea what this means.

Mad_maxx · 09-05-2021 10:08am

johnmck wrote: »

Zero doubts , unlike Mr South park Seriouusssslyyyy Dave

Then I see nothing wrong with writing to this individual

Mimon · 09-05-2021 10:19am

Niner leprauchan wrote: »

The legal angle is speeding and leaving the scene.

"Sort of wrong"? He left s child injured on the street after hitting him!

I don't think he is disputing this but I think is making the point that the parents have to bear some responsibility for allowing a four year old to play near a road unsupervised.

I see it in my estate all the time, children as young as 3/4 out on the road, have had some walk out between cars into my path not looking at all. I obviously crawl but you see some people belting it around them.

landofthetree · 09-05-2021 10:22am

Personally Id go to the Gardai. For a serious incident like that there is no statue of limitations?

Sunny Disposition · 10-05-2021 12:18am

Yeah, I’d be minded to go to the Gardai or confront him directly not anonymously. Am thinking he’ll know who perfectly well who the letter is from anyway.

johnmck · 11-05-2021 12:42am

Mimon wrote: »

I don't think he is disputing this but I think is making the point that the parents have to bear some responsibility for allowing a four year old to play near a road unsupervised.

I see it in my estate all the time, children as young as 3/4 out on the road, have had some walk out between cars into my path not looking at all. I obviously crawl but you see some people belting it around them.

Both my parents are now dead

pah · 11-05-2021 12:54am

Weird

road_high · 11-05-2021 1:00am

Why would you not go the Gardai about this?

qwerty13 · 11-05-2021 6:29am

OP, I think you’re looking for ‘closure’ on something that’s simply not possible. You were very, very young. I’m not sure that you can wholly rely on your recollection.

I know I keep coming back to this, but what do you want? Money? An admission of guilt? An apology that your leg never served you as well as it should have? Do you know how any of those things would make you feel better, or less bitter?

I’m struggling to understand what you want to get from delivering this letter, and whether it’s not a long term issue that would be far better addressed by therapy.

Writing a letter 37 years later

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