Relationship Issues over aging and babies

givyjoe · 04-05-2021 6:38pm

Neyite wrote: »

Freezing eggs is a last resort - and an expensive, pretty gruelling one.
Many eggs fail when defrosted which is why they recommend you freeze embryos. And for that you need ICSI where a single sperm is injected into the egg, then frozen for use at a later date. You need to pay an annual amount to keep them.

First you go on medicines or injections to take control of your menstrual cycle. These effectively cause a temporary menopause. So expect things like mood swings, hormone issues, hot flushes, reactions to meds and so on. Next, take medications or injections to stimulate your ovaries into producing several eggs, Again, because you are producing more than you normally would, expect some side effects - Next you go into the clinic where they do a transvaginal ultrasound - nicknamed dildo cam. It's basically a thick wand with a camera at the end that's inserted into your vagina. Depending on how your follicles are maturing, you may need a repeat appointment. Then it's time for egg retrieval. Which is a needle going into your abdomen. Sore but necessary. Then the eggs are fertilised and they see how many were retrieved, and how many survived to day 5.

When you do want to get pregnant, you basically repeat the process except for egg retrieval and you go on different drugs after implantation (also an injection) to support the first few weeks - and again, financial costs are involved and it's not a guaranteed baby at the end of it.

Men usually get the better end of the deal - they get handed an adult magazine and a cup and go into a private room. For men with fertility issues they may need a needle through the testes to retrieve singular sperm - it would be interesting to see if he'd be willing to go through that alone -it would be very illuminating.

You could go through all this and in 5 years time he could simply withdraw his consent for you to use the embryos containing his genetic material. A famous case is Sofia Vergara who's ex wants to use embryos they froze while together, and she successfully blocked him in several court cases.

This stuff isn't the doddle he thinks it is. There's a lot involved and it puts our bodies through hell and back - but most of us do it because usual family planning didn't work for us and we have no option but to endure it in order to have a family.

I think you and he need to look in depth into this - both of you to realise what's involved and see that it's not just a nice neat solution. Houses can be bought at any time, babies have a timeframe.

Houses most certainly cannot be bought at any time, at least they can't if a bank won't give you the mortgage to cover it. Having a child may significantly affect your ability to access sufficient funds to cover the cost of purchase. Having a house in place before hand is a perfectly rational stance to take. having a child or children before you put this in place is irresponsible if you know you won't be able to once they come along. This, ah sure be grand attitude is exactly how people end up on the housing list/homeless. It may not be remotely applicable here, so apologies if I missed the detail saying it isn't.

Galbin · 05-05-2021 4:25pm

I understand that this is considered the "wrong" opinion nowadays, but I would never have kids with someone I was not married to unless it was an unplanned pregnancy. Forget about the house, I would be wondering what is the point of being together for six years with no permanent commitment. Now, of course, some people don't believe in the concept of marriage, so that is a different thing. However, if you do want to get married I wonder why he hasn't asked yet. Coupled with his odd comment about freezing your eggs, it doesn't sound like he is all in to me.

Personally, I would have a serious talk with him about the future of our relationship. There are so many men out there who would love nothing more than to get married and have kids, so there is no need to waste time on someone who has no clue about what he actually wants.

Galbin · 05-05-2021 4:27pm

Also, as someone who sacrificed their health (both physical and mental) with infertility treatment that did not work, I can tell you that it is not as easy as it sounds. Freezing your eggs does not guarantee you a live birth in the future.

LegacyUser · 06-05-2021 2:41pm

Hi OP,

Its must be extremely frustrating for you. From his point of view, he essentially saying to you “I’ll figure it out later”, deliberately putting off the conversation to avoid a fight.

An in-depth and frank conversation needs to be had where you lay your cards out on the table. It needs to be done as a conversation with real answers and zero deflection (house purchases etc).

Does he want kids with simple yes/no answers. If he is still deflecting and squirming, you need to try and understand why, is it fear or is it something else?

The remark made regarding freezing your eggs, I have been on the receiving end of a similar statement and its extremely hurtful. They expect it to be the magic ticket to put off the conversation or deal with it at a later time not realising that this isn’t as easy as it sounds. Explain to him why this might not work.

I do understand he’d like a more settled environment BUT buying a house takes time and there are no guarantees that the house buying process will be quick. As you mentioned in your post, it could another 1/2 years but buying sometimes it can even take longer. For example, if ye purchase a do-upper it will add even more time. But even after going through this process will there be another excuse 2/3 years down the line?

Its not fair as this is your fertility and your future too. Unfortunately you need to ask the difficult questions here as he won’t.

I can understand you are frustrated, anxious and unsure as to where this leaves your relationship. As mentioned a discussion needs to happen, it may be uncomfortable but you need to know exactly where you stand with him and his feeling regarding children and your future. As horrible as it is to say, if he back-pedals even more, you need to decide if this is a dealbreaker for you. Its best to know the reality of the situation rather than another 2/3 years down the line.

I echo another posters sentiment, he needs to p*ss or get off the pot.

heretothere · 08-05-2021 11:37am

As others have said you really need to have a frank conversation with him. I do get the wanting his own house/ security first but that's not always possible. I know plenty of people who had children in "not perfect" situations, but everything has worked out fine. Bought houses, had more kids, got married all after having a child.

Unfortunately it's not as easy to get pregnant as I thought it would be! I'm 33, been trying for over a year now. I had one miscarriage late last year. It's only now I have discovered how erratic my cycle is, 30 days one month, 38 the next making it really hard to predict ovulation! I never knew because the pill made it regular.

It will be hard, but if this is a deal breaker for you, you need to know now. It would have been for me.

FintanMcluskey · 08-05-2021 6:04pm

Issues like this are one of the problems with a couple the same age.

Men mature slower and an age gap (of many years) is often beneficial

His issues are genuine, but he’s not considering his partners.

Have a talk but be willing to walk away

10-05-2021 11:23pm

shesty wrote: »

Setting aside fertility, I am 39 with 3 kids and I am TIRED.Can't tell you how many men I know who had kids in their very late 30s and early 40s and who realised how exhausting it is, and will often say they wish they had them earlier. There are many good reasons we are at our most fertile in our early 20s, and that's one of them.

Plus 2 to this.
I had 3 before I hit 28 and it was soo different.
One at 35 and we feel every minute of that.

threetrees · 10-05-2021 11:34pm

I can understand him wanting to be settled with a house and perhaps be financially secure before having children. However, it's not realistic, if we all waited then there'd be far fewer babies being born. Freezing eggs is not a solution, it's lip service. Does he know what's involved and how much it is?

Honestly, a big chat on wants and babies and fertility and your path as a couple is needed.

Lia_lia · 10-05-2021 11:35pm

As mentioned freezing your eggs is not a doddle and you more than likely have a much better chance of conceiving by having sex, sooner rather than later!

Just a point on the house thing. Myself and my partner (of 8 years at the time) decided to have a child while renting. We could have bought a house first but we wanted a child and the renting thing didn’t bother us. Thankfully I got pregnant straight away and we now have an almost 2 year old. Still in the same rented house. We have mortage approval and are looking for somewhere to buy. Yes, we do regret not buying a few years ago but purely because prices are so high now. We’ve been approved for same mortgage amount as we would have done without a dependent and that’s with creche fees.

In your position I’d be seriously hurrying things up and trying to convince him that you don’t need your own place to have a child. But maybe speak with a mortgage broker first, purely for financial reasons.

I was 29 when I got pregnant but wanted to be relatively young having a child so we just went for it. At your age you both really need to take this seriously.

whomadewho · 11-05-2021 9:37pm

Gettingold1234 wrote: »

Hi All,
Looking for some advice. My partner and I are living together and renting we are both 35 been together 6 years. I want children and he says he does too, however he refuses to start trying until we own our own home. Considering the current housing situation this isn't going to happen for at least another two years.
We have talked about this and he is obviously aware that my fertility is now rapidly declining, but he won't budge.
I suspect he is just avoiding having children, the other night when we were talking he said "why don't you freeze your eggs" this threw me... he said "that way you have a fall back plan when we try to have them when you are older"

I'm now seriously considering this, he denies not wanting children..but this suggestion from him seems like covering his bases ..keeping me sweet so we can stop talking about this. ..and making him feel less guilty when he possibly turns around in two years and says "nah let's have dog first" or some nonsense.

I don't know what to do. I'm so frustrated by this, but in a way I'm thinking ..ya know what freeze my eggs and if he decides to flake at least I have completely ruined my chances of having children in the future (I know it's not fool proof)

I realise this is not a good basis for going forward in our relationship..I'm lost I don't know what to think.

Any words of wisdom very much appreciated
Thanks all

In a LTR with the other half, I always wanted kids, but partner told me she didn't want them, she had more interest in drinking and socialising. I was thinking of leaving and now she decided she wanted them, so we tried for 6 months with no luck, went to an ivf clinic to get everything checked out. Everything was perfect on both sides, doctor said it should happen naturally, tried for another 6 months and no luck.
Went back to ivf clinic and had 3 rounds to of ivf to great financial cost, with no luck.
We are trying using eastern herbal methods and still no luck. Partner wants to go back down the ivf route again, but I'm reluctant now as we are both at an age where there is chance it could happen but the probability is it wont happen. Partner seems to be in panic mode after leaving it to late, so wants to spend ever last penny we have trying to get pregnent when if she only tried earlier i.e before 35 which probably would have happened naturally.
My advice is, if you really want kids, get the ball rolling asap with your current partner or if you have to break up just break up, I probably should have done it myself, as the chances of getting pregnant nose dive after the age of 35.

super_furry · 18-05-2021 10:52am

The thing is, that having kids when you go to apply for a mortgage will reduce the amount you can borrow and could decide whether or not you actually get a mortgage. It's a ****ty situation but I can see your partner's point of view.

Relationship Issues over aging and babies

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