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Confused

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  • 28-04-2021 12:44pm
    #1
    Cloneegirl
    Registered Users Posts: 12 ✭


    I’m bi and partner knows it from the start of our 6 year relationship. I’m also realising I’m poly. It’s not about *ex, at all. I just want to have connections and vibe with other people. All my life I never understood how one person is meant to make you happy. Then I leaned about poly lifestyle and is exactly what I always wished for.

    My current relationship is more friends than anything. We get on well. A lot of the time I’m lonely and miss having a simple hug or having a laugh. We are very different, but also have a lot in common! It’s weird, but it works! I’m an introvert as is he, so alone time is appreciated too!

    We have a join mortgage and two dogs. I don’t want to leave or split up, but maybe that is my only option for us both to be happy.

    I brought up poly about two years ago- it was accepted that I could but he would remain mono. I went on one date- covid happened. Then never discussed again. We are poor at communicating.

    I can’t talk to anyone about my alternative lifestyle- as family or friends would think I’m crazy. Getting married, kids, a job and house is what is seen to be the perfect life.

    In my situation- how would you bring this up again? Any questions please ask or if to brief apologies.


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    #2
    YellowLead
    Registered Users Posts: 7,700 ✭✭✭YellowLead


    First of all I’m all for the poly lifestyle if that’s what people want - I say go for it.

    BUT everybody has to be on board with it. And if not, it’s unfair to expect them to be okay with it and continue as is.

    You need to find out how he feels about it all and what he would be willing to accept/tolerate. Does he see your current relationship as just friends?

    How about opening the conversation by asking how he feels about you your current situation and let that lead you into discussing poly.


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    #3
    Cloneegirl
    Registered Users Posts: 12 ✭Cloneegirl


    Oh absolutely, I 100% know that. If we both cannot agree on it and open communication and trust it’s never going to work.

    I don’t know what he actually sees us as. I discussed moving home, as feeling lonely away from family. He would help me move hone no problem but then would also make our house nicer and plan ideas I like?! As a way to keep me here and I love our house. Plenty of space.

    Sometimes I think we are a safety bubble for each other. More often than not he sleeps on the couch and I have a full bed to myself. I hate it, we both have trouble sleeping. But no point arguing about that.


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    #4
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators Posts: 13,783 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    It sounds like neither of you are in the relationship you'd like to be and it has now just become a front. For what? For who? The benefit of others? Appearance?

    I think you need to address it again. You live in a quiet house, you should be able to find space to bring it up. But maybe rather than talk again about being poly, this time talk about possibly separating and see how that feels.


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    #5
    Xterminator
    Registered Users Posts: 4,718 ✭✭✭Xterminator


    Hi Op

    You can seek his approval, which he already gave once. So its not out of the bounds of possibility he will agree again. But i would wonder if that's him just trying not to lose the relationship either. Long term you have to both be happy with the arrangement.

    Are you saying you would give up what you have, mortgage, dogs, stable 6 year relationship so you can follow your urges?


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    #6
    Cloneegirl
    Registered Users Posts: 12 ✭Cloneegirl


    Xterminator wrote: »
    Hi Op

    You can seek his approval, which he already gave once. So its not out of the bounds of possibility he will agree again. But i would wonder if that's him just trying not to lose the relationship either. Long term you have to both be happy with the arrangement.

    Are you saying you would give up what you have, mortgage, dogs, stable 6 year relationship so you can follow your urges?

    Yes we would both have to be happy with the arrangement, I get that. Tbh, I feel like I’m denying my real feeling. I would hate to lose everything (but I have taught about it for years) but we only live once. I think I could go on like this but I’m my old age would regret all the possibilities. I already feel I’m to old. I’m early 30s and most my age are married and kids. But it’s just not for me. I guess I’m also abit ashamed of myself and my feeling as not being the “norm”.


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    #7
    Xterminator
    Registered Users Posts: 4,718 ✭✭✭Xterminator


    As an older person, i can tell you i absolutely had moments in my marriage where there was a temptation. But what i had was worth more than a fleeting lust.

    Relationships are not strong because you don't face temptation, they are strong because you do, and then you make the affirming choices that deepen/strengthen the relationship.

    I do not mean to 'preach' but that is my opinion/experience.


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    #8
    seenitall
    Registered Users Posts: 3,710 ✭✭✭seenitall


    Xterminator wrote: »
    As an older person, i can tell you i absolutely had moments in my marriage where there was a temptation. But what i had was worth more than a fleeting lust.

    Relationships are not strong because you don't face temptation, they are strong because you do, and then you make the affirming choices that deepen/strengthen the relationship.

    I do not mean to 'preach' but that is my opinion/experience.

    What you are talking about is a different kettle of fish to what the OP is on about. Feeling a call for a certain lifestyle and a much different experience to what a monogamous relationship with anyone in this world would ever be able to offer far exceeds being tempted by a pretty face/body outside a marriage in terms of stakes raised. More is at play than a dichotomy that crops up in faithful monogamous relationships vs. cheating.

    I’m with the other poster here, OP, where your posts imply to me that this relationship has ran its course. You want something more, and different, and you can have that, but there will be a price to pay. It doesn’t seem sustainable to me to have a relationship that is monogamous on one side, and poly on the other partner’s side. That’s just a recipe for pain. Your partner’s, most probably. You both need a serious chat, but also, you do need to consider that he’d rather swallow any amount of pain from living with your choices rather than lose you. Then it would be down to you to make the necessary decision to break up, if you want to be fair to the both of you. So tread gently and carefully. No hasty decisions, but no hiding from hard truths, either. Sometimes we do need to be selfish to be kind in the long run.


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    #9
    Rubberchikken
    Registered Users Posts: 5,083 ✭✭✭Rubberchikken


    I may get shot down but I wonder if you want to have it all.
    Your partner agreeing to a poly lifestyle even though they don't want it and him also.

    I realise you brought it up and he was in agreement but then covid...but was he really?
    Has he thought through all that's involved?

    I think you need to both have an honest conversation and see where that goes.

    Good luck


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    #10
    cloudatlas
    Registered Users Posts: 3,709 ✭✭✭cloudatlas


    Esther Perel has some good videos on youtube about polyamory and nonmonogamy that you should definitely look at.


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    #11
    Windmill100000
    Registered Users Posts: 585 ✭✭✭Windmill100000


    I feel as if you are searching for something that you should have within yourself and that is contentment. You are right, no one person should make you happy. That is no else's job.

    I wonder if having a partner that is more a friend is why you are prepared to consider other connections outside the relationship.

    Your partner is very understanding, or possibly codependent.

    If you can't talk with people you know, would you consider counselling as there seems to be quite a lot to process.


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    #12
    YellowLead
    Registered Users Posts: 7,700 ✭✭✭YellowLead


    FYI there is a sex and sexuality forum (you have to request access), I saw a thread there were one guy was discussing his poly relationship (in his case there are three of them together rather than him being with others while his gf doesn’t) that he has even in for 10 years, I’m sure there are similar threads you could browse or you could start one up there - might find somebody who has navigated through it all.


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    #13
    forestgirl
    Registered Users Posts: 254 ✭✭forestgirl


    Cloneegirl wrote: »
    Yes we would both have to be happy with the arrangement, I get that. Tbh, I feel like I’m denying my real feeling. I would hate to lose everything (but I have taught about it for years) but we only live once. I think I could go on like this but I’m my old age would regret all the possibilities. I already feel I’m to old. I’m early 30s and most my age are married and kids. But it’s just not for me. I guess I’m also abit ashamed of myself and my feeling as not being the “norm”.

    First of all you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of and secondly I think you may have to set your partner free to allow him to go on to find a new relationship and maybe he is just not able to end it for many reasons.
    I'm assuming you are a woman hence your user name but either way my point still stands

    We are who we are we can't change that but we have the power to live a full life,don't worry about friends getting married and having kids thats their thing .


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    #14
    mohawk
    Registered Users Posts: 1,781 ✭✭✭mohawk


    OP when you say you would hate to lose everything do you mean the relationship or the house and dogs? Do you love your partner? Can you imagine being without them? Leaving aside that your poly for now does this relationship meet any of your needs? You don’t owe me an answer to these questions, but you do need to be honest with yourself and ask yourself if maybe this relationship has run it’s course.

    In another post you mentioned communication is poor. Key to any successful fulfilling relationship is communication and I would say doubly so if you are poly and intend on entering a poly relationship.

    Marriage and kids aren’t for everyone. Life is interesting because we are all different so forget about the norm because as long as your not hurting anyone you should go be you.


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