Relationship over with girlfriend I’ve child with

ohaye87 · 21-07-2019 1:47pm #1

My girlfriend (28) and I (31)have broken up again (this time it’s for good)

we started dating in 2017 and hand on heart it was the greatest relationship I could of asked for.. so good we decided to have a family (yes I was a naive and a stupid idiot to agree to that so quickly while not currently living together and long distance between us ect) but I love my daughter so so much and you’ll find out more as you keep reading)

we got pregnant while 11 months together, them 11 months was the happiest of my life... everything went down hill then.. I was totally cut out of everything, pregnancy, future plans, no longer wanted us moving into together she wanted to remain living with her mammy.. literally silent treatment while loving and sharing the pregnancy excitement with everyone else..
no matter what I did it didn’t matter and she just said I’m fine when asked what’s going on or wrong..

For so long I put it down to hormones but what happened next changed everything. 3 months into the pregnancy(July) I lost my mother suddenly and unexpected (just 12 months after loosing my dad) her death was used to dump me. She wouldn’t attend the funeral and refused to see me for close to 3 weeks after her death (she’s in the uk)
When I did get over after begging for ages (normally a week together and week off when I was back at home)I barley got a hug and literally was getting attacked for stupid things.. got told stuff like the world doesn’t stop... everyone looses their mother.. get over it.. and told me I was trying to manipulate her to come over to me because I said soon after her death I might as well jump off a bridge when upset.

this conversation continued into me manipulating her apparently to go to a ed Sheeran concert a few months previous.. she decided on the day of it I don’t want to go... I said at the time while disappointed If the ticket wasn’t in your name I’d go myself, never mentioned it again until this night(months later).. not the kind of **** you want to hear after burring your mother..

Had a gender scan then.. again was totally blanked all excitement with her mother I was blanked.. went Home after a week more upset than when I came over was basically told you can’t move in with me now... find your own place... we’re not in the best head space to live together.

Refused to talk to me then till I’d stopped grieving.. got abuse off her mother at 3am in the morning via text for going to mass and releasing a balloon in memory of Mam... apparently this is all I cared about.. she took her mother’s side on all this.. Despise my best efforts to sort things out she dumped me over text and basically said I’ll text you when your daughters bornðŸ™„ over 3 months to go at this stage..

Spent the next number of months worried ****less about my daughter to be.. what would happen ect. I wasn’t with the ex but still got abuse messages because I went to visit my best friend overseas for a few nights who’s recovering from cancer... apparently she’s not able to go off but I can do what I like... went mental saying you should of given me that money...(I was always sending bits)

After this outburst I issued her a legal letter, asking what her Intentions was with me and our daughter?was she going to include me on our daughters birth certificate ? and what was her contact arrangements ? this absolutely caused murder.. her mother started posting lies about me across social media (including commenting on a post I made on a local coffee shop page) telling everyone I dumped her daughter when she got pregnant and told them I sent her a solicitors letter while expecting a baby...

Because of sending this letter, I wasn’t told my girl was born for 10 days(born 18th December not told till 28th) and had to wait another number of days -
Again before receiving a picture, her name,date of birth,weight basically everything) soul distorting..
Gets better though she then informed me because I’d purchased items to keep in my house the previous September, (stuff I’d got for her but she didn’t want them so i said we’d keep here for when we bring her over) she said this suggest I’m a flight a risk and all contact must be under full Supervision... RUBBISH..

After meeting my daughter and having a fantastic day together, me and the ex ended up having a moment while I was emotional and ended up agreeing to get back together... everyone told me I was crazy but of course I didn’t listen I was in a bubble .. next 2 months was amazing, full 24/7 access with my girl as much as possible and me me and her was getting along great.. I was starting to feel a bit down because my daughter was growing and obviously my mother didn’t meet her and being away from my daughter was hard at times,was trying to get a apartment sorted (still couldn’t move in with her) and I’d lots of issues at home by house had a fire that killed my dog and needed work sorted.
but she used this as a way to get at me saying this is all your own fault for forgetting about us when your mother died.. I explained I was a broken man and said to her unfortunately one day you’ll no what that’s like... she made out this was me wanting her parents dead and broke up with me again.. I was now restricted to Saturday’s and Sunday’s for 2x2 hours but in her house as she said I’d take our child.. was coming to my daughter every weekend for the Next 2 months, done well to get a hello when I’d arrive told me told nothing about our daughter..send on my way after a few hours..

on Easter Sunday she ended up talking a bit and starting her crying episode saying she’s sorry how everything has gone and I’m a great daddy and she’s wants us to be a family so much... I explained so did I but this behavior couldn’t continue.. I said one last chance this is it... just like last time 2 months of pure heaven then she went back to old ways.. this time because I’d a anxiety attack and ended up in hospital she kicked me out of the house in the middle of it and sent me to my hotel (where I’d to stay on a Saturday night as some other family member stays over) and accusing me next day or wasting Hospital money on nothing...
then just making up random stuff out of the blue, then saying you made our daughters breakfast wrong and you only care about her when we’re arguing so it’s best we don’t get along..
broke up again... and said I can only come every 2nd week now..

With my Mams anniversary mass failing on my visit date, I said can I plesse come the following day as I want to spend my Mams anniversary with my daughter and remember her together... no way would see agree and said you’ll have to wait for the following week... I basically told her what I thought of her and how i was sick of this bullying abd behavior (I normally put up with it) because of this she’s banned me from seen my girl.. And won’t talk to me.. will send me a picture of my daughter via email every 3rd day... now I’ve had to go down the legal route and getting court appointed access which will take a while and more stress I can’t cope with...

I don’t no how I recover from this relationship.. I actually still love this person so much (and I no that’s not right) I’d take her back tomorrow if I thought we’d be a happy family. And I’ve found out she’s back online dating sites now, which I don’t no why is upsetting me.

I’m fully blaming myself for being in the gutters after my Mams funeral but can’t help that. But knowing my daughter is going to suffer because of this is killing me.. I’ve not seen her in 4 weeks and miss her more than words can’t explain.

Ursus Horribilis · 21-07-2019 2:45pm

I remember your old thread(s) about your girlfriend. She was so cruel to you back then, it stuck in my head. I'm saddened but not surprised to see you got back with her and that everything just got worse and worse.

Have you sought any professional help for yourself? As in counselling or other therapy? You were a fragile person to begin with. Unfortunately you trusted your heart to a very cruel uncaring person who has done you untold damage. Do you have any sort of support structure around you? Family and friends who care for you?

irishgirl19 · 21-07-2019 2:57pm

I remember your old thread.
This woman and her mother are toxic. I don't think she will ever change while her mother is still around. Look at what raised her.She didn't even tell you that your daughter was born until almost 2 weeks later!
You missed your babies first Christmas. On the first Christmas without your mam! This is cruel.

If there was any chance of it working out, I would say yous should both go to counseling where a decent therapist will challenge her on her crap behaviour and probably tell her to set boundaries with mammy dearest.

You are not being able to grieve properly and no wonder you are getting panic attacks with the crap these two are pulling. You deserve much better than this.
I think you should try your best to move on from this relationship. She is calling all the shots and knows she can just click her fingers and have you come running.
I think you should take time out and invest in some counselling. What you are going through is very tough.
And keep persuing access to your daughter via legal channels. Don't let your ex try talk you out of it saying you's can sort it between yourselves. She'll just pull the same stunt again and will stop access whenever she feels like it.

Take care

Kidchameleon · 21-07-2019 3:26pm

Why would everything be great with no signs of trouble then as soon as she falls pregnant, it all falls apart in the blink of an eye? It simply makes no sense. Is there any way to speak to her and find out what the problem is? Is it that she wants to live in her home country and feels like you would like to live in Ireland with the child?

Herself and her mother sound like evil cows, try not to argue with her as people like that feed on conflict. If she tries to get a rise out of you then stay calm. She holds all the cards as regards to access but there are legal avenues you can go down to ensure you have at least some time with your child on a somewhat regular basis. Just stay calm and don't give her anything to use against you.

Your story reminds me of something a former colleague told me. He was dating a girl in the 80's, everything was going great until she fell pregnant. Then suddenly she completely ghosted him, refused to speak to him, gave him no reason as to what was going on. She had the baby and he was never allowed to see his child. For a little while he would wait outside her house until she came out with the child in the pram, beg her to let him hold his child etc. but she would keep walking. He never found out why and never got any time with his child. He spoke to her mother and even she did not know what was going on, she was sympathetic to him. His only theory as to what may have happened was that perhaps she had been with someone else and was too ashamed to admit it. I guess the reason I am telling you this story is, would her cheating on you be an explanation for all of this?

ohaye87 · 21-07-2019 8:41pm

Thanks folks. I’m undergoing weekly counseling, my counsellor has said along with my grief her behavior has crushed all my self esteem that I’ve got to stand up for myself... but when I did it stopped me having contact with my daughter.

I just don’t understand how I ended up in this situation. never in a million years did I see things like this.. it’s like a million miles from the person I fell in love with. But yet 7 weeks ago she was all loved up and to be fair so was I. It was like old days and that just changed again like a click.. oddly enough towards the end last time she gave out to me for buying her a small bar of chocolate in the shop (I’m talking like €2) and went off cause i didn’t buy our daughter anything...FFS like I pay each week for her what do you buy a 6 month old in a shop that she doesn’t already have... can’t win. If I hadn’t lost my folks I’d be in a position to handle this better but seen my daughter was the only thing keeping me going for the last 6 months.. now only contact with my daughter is a email every few days but the mail is addressed like my little one is talking to me and the ex isn’t engageing in any conversation,even when asking questions regarding our daughters health.. going to be a long road even with a court order having this person in my life

Kidchameleon · 21-07-2019 9:01pm

I really feel for you OP, having contact with your child taken from you must be one of the worst things a person can go through. Stay strong

DonnaDarko09 · 22-07-2019 12:11am

As another poster said, are you sure the baby is yours? Is it possible this change in behavior has come about through guilt on her behalf?

Ursus Horribilis · 22-07-2019 12:13am

I get the impression you fell for the person you thought your ex-girlfriend was, not who she is. I've read back over your original thread (hope you don't mind) and I'm still of the opinion that she used you to get pregnant. You really didn't know her well enough when you decided to have a child and sadly, you are now paying the price for it. No matter what way you look at it, this woman and her mother are pure poison. They are despicable people who do not have your best interests at heart. Your biggest problem (apart from inexplicably being in love with the mother of your child) is that you are trying to make sense of what's going on. You are clinging onto the crumbs of niceness that your ex throws to you from the table, then you wreck your head when she attacks you for ridiculous things. I doubt she even likes you that much and that she wishes you'd just feck off and stop wanting to see your own child.

The legal part of your problem will trundle on, mostly in the hands of other people. Hopefully the result will be positive for you and that you will gain greater access to your daughter. That is the easy bit.

The harder (and more difficult) part is how you learn to deal with your ex-girlfriend and her mother. You are going to have to learn how to be tougher and more detached from them. They know you are vulnerable, they know how to wound you and they will do everything in their power to make you feel like a piece of crap. That is where your therapist comes in. You have got to develop ways of dealing with these dreadful people.

Hannibal_Smith · 22-07-2019 10:02am

OP I remember your previous thread as well. If I was you I would go back for legal advice. Do you know whether she actually put your name on the birth cert?

You can't be denied access to your child and if you can't make a particular access date, then it's not unreasonable to ask to arrange another date. These things can be regularised.

You are not to blame for any of this. It is reasonable to grieve when your mother dies and its reasonable to want to see your daughter. The woman here seems to be completely devoid of any empathy.

Hedgelayer · 22-07-2019 2:48pm

I was in a similar situation year's ago and it was tough going.

My son's nearly 20 now I'm 44, it usually sorts itself out.

And yes I had to endure my exes psychotic symptoms up until he was 18, my solicitor just suggested I ignore her and do my parental duties.

Still didn't stop the triangulation with my family, eventually my sister had to explain to her she knows what she's up to and back off from harassing my elderly parents.

I tried it but I was being hostile etc, I get on great with my exes husband he knows she's nuts but he stays out of it...

What I'm suggesting is you'll be ok and you'll find your own way, you're not responsible for her outcome.

Love your kid and forget about her, I had to go to therapy it really helps....

ohaye87 · 22-07-2019 3:26pm

Thanks again folks to follow on a few questions... I’m 99.9% the child is mine she’s the absolute double of me and everyone says this and she was planned to a tee( she was using fertility monitor in planning) I’m on the birth certificate I was with her when registering, but she’d already given her,her family name, mine and wasn’t included anywhere, durning registration I was too nervous to complain cause I knew if I did she might not let my name go down at all which would of caused a lot more problems..

I’m fully dealing legal now, so it’s out of my hands.

Ursus Horribilis · 22-07-2019 3:46pm

You said earlier that when you stood up for yourself, you lost contact with your daughter. That was going to happen anyway, regardless of whether you stood up for yourself or not. She would have found another excuse. She is an abusive bully. The sooner you accept that, the better. Even if you do everything in your power to appease her, it will never ever be enough.

It goes to show how badly she and her mother have warped your mind that you regret grieving over your mother. Even for people who have stable lives and loving family support, the death of a parent is life altering. That your ex and her mother used your grief to bully you should tell you everything you need to know about them. They are beyond contempt. There is NO WAY you will ever have a happy family by staying with your ex. If anything, you will be teaching your daughter that it's OK to grow up in a family where one parent abuses the other. Do you really want your little girl to grow up and form a relationship with someone who treats her like you have been treated?

black_and_blue · 22-07-2019 8:00pm

Pure poison the both of them. Get legal advice to gain access to your kid.

vintagecosmos · 23-07-2019 10:03am

What does the mother do by the way? has her love life been pretty crappy and possibly hate men? Could cutting you out be a way to get lone parents allowance? (Or UK equivalent?). I have heard stories of women who just want a child and the father is just excess baggage.

BrokenArrows · 23-07-2019 4:29pm

From your description you need to take the 100% legal route to gain access to your child. Dont rely on the whims of the mother as by your description she seems fairly unhinged.

Fight for as much custody as possible.

And you need to seek counciling over your mothers death. Its obviously a hard thing to have to deal with but it should not be dramatically affecting your life a year on. You should have been able to take access to your child on the same day as the anniversary. If you are legally granted access then you cannot skip these or it will likely hurt you if the mother ever tries to restrict your access.

Unfortunately you are in for a life time of problems dealing with her and her mother. I would suggest you keep a record of all the crazy stuff she does. Being unreasonable about visitation, stuff she says, stuff your child says to you that reflects negatively on the mother, stuff the grandmother says to you etc.

I wouldnt be surprised at some point in the mother will try and turn your child against you at which point you will have to fight for full custody. This is likely where your list of events will be helpful.

ohaye87 · 10-08-2019 4:55pm

Court application was issued for access and I’d to meet with her and a mediator the other day hoping for agreement outside of court that could be made legal and rubber stamped.

over 4 hours meeting, got called some ridiculous names, started off my calling me a hypocrite, started off telling the mediator I’d being sending her harassment and abuse for a months, all lies the messages was seen by a solicitor who confirmed with me was absolutely nothing abusive mentioned. I caused them upset by saying I’d be going down the custody route.
Said how I was a danger to our daughter by saying the most bizarre stuff. even the mediator was getting board at this point saying we’re going no where if you using stuff like this..
He took a brake for 20 minuets and this is the random part... she said oh btw I’ve something to show you.. she took her phone out a said I got this done for ya. Was a picture painted of Mam with our daughter. I obviously got up set and started crying.. such a odd day to tell me this..
Was no agreement anyway the most she’d give me was 2 hours every 2nd week at a hotel.. so it’s down to a judge now. She told him how horrible it felt to be around me... and wants no contact only 1 email a week to confirmed our girl ok.

And still I was looking at her saying I so wish this wasn’t happening

Ursus Horribilis · 10-08-2019 5:13pm

You seriously think that photo on the phone was random? No, it was a calculated ploy to upset you. She wants to break you and drive you to the point of madness. Then say you're too unstable to be left alone with your child. Job done.

Expect more mind games from her. Do you have anybody to come with you to these things for moral support? You should not spend any time alone with her. She is poison.

irishgirl19 · 10-08-2019 5:58pm

She sounds unhinged. If you really hate someone would you get that painting done? And she showed it to you during meditation? I cant help but be skeptical and think of it as a manipulation tactic

ILoveYourVibes · 10-08-2019 8:03pm

I am really sorry. I can see how devastated you are.

I am very sorry to be blunt op.

You picked the worst person to have a kid with.

She planned this. Have a kid then leave.

She will use you for yrs now financially emotionally etc.

I'm really sorry. Have your mind set to no drama mode. Blank all of her drama. Just dont let it get through to you.

Try and fight for your rights with your kid.

Its likely your daughter is not going to have an easy time of it living with a mother like that.

You guys need to support each other.

Sorry OP.

ILoveYourVibes · 10-08-2019 8:05pm

irishgirl19 wrote: »

She sounds unhinged. If you really hate someone would you get that painting done? And she showed it to you during meditation? I cant help but be skeptical and think of it as a manipulation tactic

She knows how to push his buttons. Its why their relationship was 'amazing' for eleven months.

Caranica · 11-08-2019 10:03am

There are groups that support Dads seeking decent access /custody for their children. I advise getting in touch with one. Joint custody would be the ideal outcome, why would you settle for 52 hours a year?

hawley · 11-08-2019 11:14am

Really sad to read your posts, but I think that you're playing this completely the wrong way. She's going to need you for financial support and you going over there to take your daughter for a few hours is a break for her. You need to become a lot more stand offish and feign a lack of interest. I think that it's worth trying for a few months anyway. She knows that she can get away with treating you like rubbish at the moment. She sounds like she wouldn't have been out of place on the Jeremy Kyle show.

Calltocall · 11-08-2019 4:04pm

That’s all really sad and tough going op, fight for your daughter and get your access sorted but please do not ever go back with this person she is wicked and toxic, I’ve seen something similar happen to a guy i knew, she absolutely destroyed his life in a similar fashion and his biggest mistake was getting back together with her many times only for him to come away even more damaged, toxic people are best completely avoided.

Put your foot down, you’re a young man and you’ll eventually work out a routine and will get past it but you need to put out the flame you’re holding for her otherwise you’ll be writing posts like this every few months and your life will be ruined.

AulWan · 11-08-2019 10:18pm

You're wasting your time attempting to mediate with someone who is going to lie their way through the process. Go straight to court and get a summons for access (and guardianship if you need it) issued. Request maintenance also be set by the court, though technically the mother will need to apply for a maintenance order.

Make sure any access order does not contain the term "to be agreed between the parents" because this will give her reasons for her to mess you about. Ask the judge or instruct your solicitor to get everything nailed down in the order, including pick up and drop off times and place, alternate weekends, alternate birthdays, christmas, bank holidays, Father's day and so on. The more detailed the less she has reason to contact you for. Get a second sim, and make sure this is the only contact number she has for you.

Look up "Parallel Parenting". You will need it. Sorry for your troubles, and stay strong for your daughter's sake.

ILoveYourVibes · 12-08-2019 12:35am

Caranica wrote: »

There are groups that support Dads seeking decent access /custody for their children. I advise getting in touch with one. Joint custody would be the ideal outcome, why would you settle for 52 hours a year?

Honestly i would ask if that child is in a safe environment.

Maybe he should have sole custody and she should have visiting rights. She doesn't sound stable.

ohaye87 · 30-09-2019 5:18pm

Well folks I put positive note on this thread.
Last week I took her to court... a very bizarre few days.

walkes by me and my family member without any communication and I said hello.

The court got us to go away for 2 hours with cafcss and come to some arrangement together.
She wouldn't stay in same room as me so this needed to be done separately so took a lot longer.

I'd mentioned all my concerns in my court application.
After she got wind of this so played her own games.
Made up literally numerous stories about my parenting which was dismissed and was told its just your patient anxiety. she got free legal aid by claiming abuse we believe. the courts and cafcss done numerous checks on me and had no issues.

I was awarded a very good arrangement.which in the end she agreed on.
With time building up all the time with over nights and full weekends coming soon down the line. Have all day next Christmas 2020 and a number of hours this xmas. Shared birthdays ect.
My solicitor was surprised on the arrangement at this early stage.

Have a nice legal bill to pay now but worth every penny.. can finally start living again. Shell obviously try to continue to make my life hard but the only communion we have now is via a note book about our daughter.

AulWan · 30-09-2019 8:08pm

I'm very glad to hear you got a good outcome in court.

But don't ever let your guard down with this woman. I would almost guarantee she will continue to try and control any contact you have with you daughter, mess around with access, ask for changes at the last minute, make excuses why your daughter shouldn't go, blah blah blah.

Do not give her an inch. Stick to the letter of the order that has been made and if she breaches it, record every breach, every time, at a Garda Station, so that you have proof the next time you end up in Court.

Keyzer · 01-10-2019 12:44pm

AulWan wrote: »

I'm very glad to hear you got a good outcome in court.

But don't ever let your guard down with this woman. I would almost guarantee she will continue to try and control any contact you have with you daughter, mess around with access, ask for changes at the last minute, make excuses why your daughter shouldn't go, blah blah blah.

Do not give her an inch. Stick to the letter of the order that has been made and if she breaches it, record every breach, every time, at a Garda Station, so that you have proof the next time you end up in Court.

This. Times 1 bajillion.

Ursus Horribilis · 01-10-2019 12:59pm

Thanks for coming back with an update. I'm glad things went your way. Having said that, I can only reiterate AulWan's advice. Be very very careful of your ex. She is a nasty, manipulative individual who is unlikely to play nice any time soon. As well as making sure she toes the line, keep your own nose clean. Given half a chance, she'll be straight on to social services or whoever she has to. She knows how to push your buttons and to upset you. So for your own sanity, keep any interactions with her to a minimum. She fooled you into thinking she was a nice person at the beginning (when she wanted a child) so she's well capable of turning on the charm again. I hope you're continuing with your own therapy so you can get better at dealing with her.

ManOfMystery · 01-10-2019 3:10pm

Agree with the others. Congratulations on your result, but absolutely do not rest on your laurels now - this is only the start, not the end.

Be on your toes around this woman, stick to the rules religiously (even if she doesn't or tries to goad you) and record every single thing that she does that isn't in line with those rules.

ohaye87 · 06-10-2019 4:50am

Ah not even a week into the court order and shes left a note in her contact book.

"A mum she knows and who knows our daughter seen her in the play centre last week" she was looking warm and red and I'd her jacket on her... ffs I literally put her jacket on 5 minutes before she was collected from me.. just goes from one extremely to the next

AulWan · 06-10-2019 4:55am

IGNORE. do not even respond to the likes of this bull. When your daughter is with you, you make the judgement call on whether she needs to wear her coat or not.

But I call bs on it being "a mum she knows". Make sure she's not stalking you.

Ursus Horribilis · 06-10-2019 12:18pm

To the surprise of nobody, she has already started the mind games. As you've already been rightly advised, don't engage with her on this sort of bull. It also goes without saying that you shouldn't respond to any of her provocations if you're annoyed/upset. She's only waiting for you to write something she can use against you and try to change the custody arrangements. It might be an idea for you to keep a private log, just to cover yourself. Expect to get more messages about you feeding her the wrong food, not looking after her properly etc.

AulWan · 06-10-2019 1:07pm

This is where you need to start as you mean to go on.

You need to get it into your head that you are a your daughter's equal parent and you do not need the mother to oversee and approve every aspect of your parenting and interaction with your own child. You can be damn sure if you tried to do the same thing with her parenting, she would not tolerate it. So you mustn't or she will have you jumping through hoops to satisfy her demands, and I 99% guarantee you right here and now that as long as she has the attitude that you somehow are the second class parent and must answer to her, that nothing you will ever do will be good enough.

There will be important things you will need to decide between you, down the road, but whether your daughter wears a coat or not, is not one of them. It's beyond petty of her to even write that down.

Study "grey rock" method and "parallel parenting" as you're going to need them.

Relationship over with girlfriend I’ve child with

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